A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is quite controlling, but loves me more than anything, he says he cant live without me. I have a list of rules of things I can and cant do/wear/say like I cant wear my hair up, flat shoes, I cant talk to my ex boyfriends and the only male friends I can have are ones he chooses (and are usually his friends so he knows I couldnt cheat). I would never cheat as I believe if you are willing to cheat on a partner you shouldnt be with them. He is Kenyan and was brought up there til he was 16, he says woman are beneath men, and woman should not be cheeky, swear or moan at men and should do as they wish at all times. He says its the way he was brought up. I love him more than life. But he keeps everything from me, his past (which caused him a lot of hurt and pain) He has been through a lot he says. He keeps chatting to girls online and getting their pictures, he says its nothing and he loves me and would never cheat. I believe that he wouldnt cheat but the things he does really annoy me, am I wrong to want him to stop looking at their pictures? (some of which are quite dirty). He has hit me a few times, slapped me, punched me, and even hit me with a glass bottle, not that hard! but was hard enough. The thing is I love him too much to walk away and he loves me, I know it. But how can I make him change??
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female
reader, compuzzled_chick  +, writes (10 June 2009):
 It makes sense that you love him, you probably fell for him before he satrted abusing you. We aren't here to judge you. I am in strong agreement of you calling womens aid. He may try to guilt you out of it, but you deserve better. You need to live for yourself and not just do things to make others feel good.
A
male
reader, heartfullalove  + ♥, writes (14 May 2009):
 On any number of levels, this is beyond tragic. Perving over other women on the internet is positively saintly compared to the other shit he's inflicting on you. Hitting you - not as a once-off moment of madness, but as part of a sustained physical and psychological brutalisation - is just pure evil. Punching you is worse. By the time I got to the bit about the glass bottle, I felt sick to the point of feeling faint.
The instant, obvious response is to turn him over to the police INSTANTLY. And it doesn't sound like you will. Your stated 'love' for, and dependence on this man, bespeaks a total lack of basic self-esteem, so serious and deep-rooted that I've no idea how you're going to address it.
Please, run for your life. There's still time to rebuild it, but there may not be if you persist in putting up with this.
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A
female
reader, _JMG_ +, writes (14 May 2009):
 I started to cry after reading this message!!!
Firstly as it says you live in the UK, please call womens aid on 08002000247 it is free to call from land lines and they can give you the advice needed. It is advised to call then the abuser is out for a while. They will tell you what the best steps to take are and can put an end to this torture!
You say you love this man but I think you fell you have to love this man to see why he hits you! If you think about it logically, he hits you with glass bottles and looks at pictures of other women on the internet, he does not love you, you are just a target for him.
I advise getting out of this relationship and having a restaining order put in as well as reporting him to the police. If you do not feel comfortable calling womans aid or the police, think to yourslef, "not only will the suffering end but you can have a restaining order so he cannot come anywhere near you. Also he can be sentenced to imprisonment for this, meaning he will be know to the police as a domestic abuser. If you do not want to do it for yourself, do it for others. God forbid if you were not lucky enough to get out if this situation alive and breathing (which is possible if you do not get help) and the police could not trace him, he may go on and do the same to other women.
If your daughter was abused and killed by a man because someone did not have the guts to contact the police, how would you feel?
I hope and pray that this misery ends for you and this disgusting man gets what he deserves.
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you want any more advice or just someone to talk to, I will not judge you on your decisions.
Best of luck, you are in my prayers
x
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A
female
reader, TalkingHelps +, writes (13 May 2009):
 I'm nbot even going to read this,please report him andleave, it's despiocable.
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A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Why are you with him?
You think he loves you? He hits you and beats you. He chats to other girls when you're not allowed to talk to other men. He thinks you are beneath him?! You will never be his equal. I mean, do yo have any say in this relationship at all, or is just do what he says? He tells you what you can and cannot wear and you think it's because he loves you?!
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Because if you think you can change him then you'll be waiting a long long time. If you don't walk away, he is going to control you forever.
You need to wake up before he puts you in hospital. He isn't going to change.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): You are an idiot! He hit you with a bottle and you love him more than life? It could cost you that. Men who behave this way are a blot on humanity. You can't change him. You just have to let the scale fall from your eyes.There is only one other way. Get some of your male relations to take him down an alley and give him a talking to. If he touches you again or disrespects you tell him they are coming back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Guess what? The fact that he hurts ya answers the question as to does he really love ya. Think about it. Worse it can get, so are you willing to risk that? You might be better off with some heartache that anything much more violent in the future....Decide on your own but know what's at risk!!!
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A
female
reader, maid_Marian_vetbabe + ♥, writes (13 May 2009):
 At the moment you feel like you love this man more than life itself, but do you realise that that is very likely what you are choosing?
Are you prepared to sit back and watch him beat your children? Demean them? Are you prepared to raise your daughters to believe that they are less than men, second class citizens in the world and worth of only abuse and hatred? Are you prepared to have no say in what happens to your children?
Please think long and hard about this relationship, and message me privately if you want to chat. I am not here to judge, butI am scared for you. Please be safe and think about the situation you are putting your own life and the life of any children you may have in!
:) hugs!
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A
female
reader, satindesire  +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Just remember that you know exactly how he's going to treat you. You are aware of the fact that he emotionally and physically abuses him.
So you're at just as much fault as he is every time he abuses you. You have free will and could leave any time, but you choose not to out of your own ability to decide.
When he hits you next time, understand that you could have prevented it by leaving.
When he abuses you next time, and you're sitting there crying and saying to yourself "Why Me?" You answer yourself by saying "Because I chose this life."
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A
female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Why do you love him? How can you love someone that treats you like that? Or that even thinks women are beneath men, because we are FAR from beneath them. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like the way you are right now? If he keeps beating you in any way, it could become a habit or become worse. No woman deserves to be beat by their man. He has a list of rules for you? Seriously? Come on.....he is just a control freak and loves the idea that you actually go with it! You need to get away from him before he seriously hurts you. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Don't let some guy do this to you and control your life. You say you love him, but I really don't know why. I don't think he will change for you. You can try, maybe talk to him, but if he doesn't change, I suggest you leave it at that and find someone else that can treat you the way you deserve.
Good luck sweetie! I hope the best for you:)
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A
female
reader, Heartbroken-xx +, writes (13 May 2009):
One thing you must do= DUMP HIS ASS! You do not deserve this, no matter how much you may think you do. Loving him, and him loving you, is now out of the question. You have to put aside your feelings for him, and get out of this relationship, before worst comes to worse = death. Seriously, it happens.
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A
female
reader, Sodee +, writes (13 May 2009):
 If he really loves you that much, and you have any bit of self respect, you should tell him this isn't Kenya, and you dont' treat women like that here and it's hurting you. and if he loves you enough, he'll listen and try and respect your wishes and try and stop doing things that hrut you.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Okay seriously, anybody that hits someone with a glass bottle of all things does not truly love that person. Get out of this relationship now before he does something even worse! Tell someone if you're too afraid to just walk away. This sounds like a very dangerous relationship to be in. Believe me, you'll be better in the end. You will fall in love with a man who genuinely loves you!Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, SyferFire +, writes (13 May 2009):
 "Love him more than life"Uhh.. yeah. You're a bit off the reservation aren't you.I can tell you will not dump this guy easily, which is really a shame. I see you are making excuses for him because of the culture he is from, which MAY explain SOME of the hitting. Actually, I take it back..no it doesn't. Only a sniveling coward or a dishonorable weakling hits a woman, point blank period. But the dirty pictures of other women online? Thats cheating, or preparation to cheat. You know, the thing that you have so much contempt for?I realize you dig being dominated, but find a more kindly dominator or something. Oh, and you CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Let me reiterate. You CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Thank you and goodbye.
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A
female
reader, pink15 +, writes (13 May 2009):
 honey...i have seen a few friends go through this. Most of them have luckily ended up in the hospital. other girls in this country unfortunately dont have the same luck. Please take my advice and end this relationship. It hurts just to think that another person is going through all of this. You think you love him because he has tricked you. But you have to open your eyes and get a restraining order before it gets to the point where you can't get any help. You can still get help. Believe me, he doesnt love you. He's obviously had some trauma in his live and is VERY insecure. I wish I was there to help you in any other way. PLEASE listen to my advice, it's all about your safety.
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A
female
reader, stressed in chatt +, writes (13 May 2009):
Ok you have to ask yourself one question. If women are beneath him, then what is he doing with you? Honey I have been in a similiar relationship and more than once. The best advice that I can give you is to first love yourself and then let him go. It is really not worth the pain and heartache that will come. LET IT GO and find yourself.
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A
female
reader, misswalston +, writes (13 May 2009):
 I have a question for you? I keep hearing about all of this love for him, but my question is: DO YOU LOVE YOU!!!!!!!Get back to me and then I will further answer this question.........
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): DUMP HIM!!! Here in the states thats what we call a PLAYER and a BEATER. Get rid of him now be 4 he cuases u anymore trouble. Hes obviosly bored with you cuase of the online stuff. Hes over possesive and sextist. Please take this advice.
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