A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years and have lived together for a year. He is currently in Afghanistan with the military.He has a female friend who I feel is inappropriate. She often sends him pictures to his phone of little notes saying "love you" and he is often telling her he loves her, too. I let all of this slide because I do believe that they are only friends.I've never met her and she lives about 2 hours away from us and he sometimes goes to visit her and sleeps over the night and I trust that he won't do anything.An important thing to tell you is that my boyfriend isn't very trusting of me. If I ever go to visit a male friend or go for a night out with the girls I get questioned constantly and he calls me all the time when I'm out which obviously results in me getting quite annoyed with him.Anyway, just after valentines day this year he called me and told me he had recieved all the mail from the past few weeks and had got my valentines card and asked me if I had recieved his and if I'd had any of anyone else. I thought this was weird and said "no of course I haven't, have you?" and he said no.I then saw he'd sent a message to this female friend (him not realising she was my friend on fb and could see her wall) saying "Thanks for the valentines card, really made me smile. Love you hun xxxx"I messaged her and said "I think it's inappropriate that you sent my boyfriend a valentines card. It is rude and unacceptable" her response to this was to delete me off her facebook and not say anything to me but post to him the day after saying "hey how are you? xxx" which is SUPER rude if you ask me. He has defended himself saying he "forgot" to tell me that he'd had a card from her and h wasn't hiding it because I would have seen it when he comes home, but how could I know that's true? He has defended her saying "she doesn't mean anything by it, she's just trying to be a good friend while I'm in Afghan" I think I have put up with a lot from their odd relationship and this is a step too far. Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to stop speaking to her? I don't know if I could ever accept their weird friendship from now on. I think she is very rude and totally out of order.. please give me some advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Hi OP here
his deployment is not over until June and I can't bare the thought of them carrying on this weird relationship for the next 3 or 4 months before I discuss it further with him. If I do I will go insane...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 My now fiancé was two hours away by car and i would spend the night and tell my then husband that we were just friends.
I call BS on your boyfriend's part.
if they were just friends there would not be "love you" or the anger or the unfriending of you... also you would have met her.
something is not kosher
but i agree with Honeypie that R&R is not the time to deal with this.
how long till his deployment is over?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 February 2012):
 First of all don't forget OPSEC :)
Second of all I would not bring this up over R&R, it is not the time nor the place. I would quite honestly wait til he gets back (fully) from the deployment and have a chat about what you two find acceptable and what you don't, when it comes to friends/co-worker/acquaintances of the opposite sex.
I understand why you told her off, but all you did was give her incentive to carry on. She seems like of of those females who thrive on "believing" that other women are jealous of her.
As for him driving to see he and sleep over? I don't understand why anyone would accept that in a relationship, specially when he hasn't even introduced her to you in the 2 years. That just sounds shady.
Personally I don't take V-day very serious, but her sending him V-day cards and I love you notes is not appropriate, she can be a supportive friend without the lovey dovey stuff.
I think when he gets home for R&R you two enjoy it and then talk about the big issues when he comes all the way home. Thing like that doesn't resolve easily. She isn't worth ruining the R&R over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Hi, I am OP thank you so much for all your replies, I feel a little embarassed reading them as it's all so true and so blantantly obvious to see that this CANNOT go on. He returns from Afghanistan tomorrow for 2 weeks and I am going to discuss with him how it is making me feel and stress how down it is making me feel.
Thank you so so much for your replies, they are just what I needed.
xx
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 This is right there in your face and I dont know why on earth you are putting up with this. I would have said that *maybe* your B/f is innocent and this girl is just trying to get his attention and step on your relationship with him in the process but the fact that he isn't trusting of YOU is a big red flag. In my opinion, its the people who are untrustworthy themselves are the ones who constantly doubt others. They know what they're doing is wrong and so they keep doubting everyone around them, esp their partners.
The valentine's day card was way of out line, sleeping at her place is just not acceptable. What is even worse is that he questioned you about getting a card from some other guy. Then of course the way that this woman deleted you off her friend list and had the cheek and the audacity to still post stuff for him...that's unacceptable.
Look OP, this girl has gone too far only because your B/f has given her the liberty to do so. Had he drawn the boundaries of the "friendship" and made a clear distinction of this far and no further, she would never have dared to cross the line. If anyone is to be blamed, it is entirely your boyfriend. Sure its rude of the girl, but why do you even expect any courtesy off her, when she is a stranger? Your boyfriend being your boyfriend hasnt stood up for you nor respected your relationship, why do you expect some other woman to?
I think a frank talk with your B/f is due. You need to tell him that this cannot go on, and no matter what he says, this is not a normal friendship. How would he feel if you were doing this with some other guy? What the hell he doesn't even trust you to be alone with your friends, who is he to expect that you understand this bizarre and clearly unacceptable relationship?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I want to comment on the OP's question and the replies below.
Yes, the V-Card is out of order, don't disagree. Yes, if you've been together 2 years and never met this great friend, that smells decidedly fishy too.
However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with close male-female friendships, which is what I am getting from some of the replies below. I have a female best friend. Everyone knows this. We are both single and spend a lot of time together because we like a lot of the same things. We have been there for each other through some really tough times. As a result, we have often said "I love you" to the other, either in person, in a thank you card or via text. We have never once kissed or dated. When we met we were both in relationships. I have crashed at hers after a night out and she has crashed at mine. Never in the same bed. We go on weekends away together - same room, twin beds. We have both said whoever takes us on has to accept that we have a close friend of the opposite sex and if they don't like it then they are the wrong person for us.
A partner should accept you as you are and not expect you to change or ditch long-term close friendships - it's those friendships that have made you who you are! There is still too much nonsense that men and women can't be friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): WOW.. you are a saint.. or not a psycho like me :P I freaked out when I saw messages in my bf's inbox.. where he was asking if he could see her cam.. if he could meet her and I was shocked.. I thought he wasn't even talking to anyone..Anyways when I confronted him.. he said he had actually delteted those messages.. and how did I see them... rofl.. needless I could never trust him after that .... and we are no longer together even though we tried to stay together...And when we would have any arguments he would immediately go start talking to that girl.. so I just dumped him..anyways.. I think you are being far too lenient with him.. he goes for sleep overs :O wtf .. at night :O... why are you giving this scum bag such an advantage over you.. he will basically not listen to anything you say.. and he doesn't even respect you.. it's a no brainer... he's not worth it..I won't tell you to break up with him.. just start looking for another guy asap.. and do not have sex with this asshole.. if you want to curb him from talking to that girl.. just stop fulfilling his every need...Maybe he hasn't been unfaithful.. but I'm scared for you.. that you might catch an sti.. or something.. just be careful..
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but all of sudden, multiple red flags go up to show that your boyfriend isn't that trustworthy after all.That is extremely inappropriate behavior on both their ends. I was actually disgusted reading it, because it really sounds like they are the ones dating. He seems to be entertained from the fact that he has two girlfriends. What do you mean he "forgot" to tell you she sent a valentine's day card to him? Why is he defending her all the time?The fact that the girl responded by deleting you and continuing to talk to your boyfriend clearly shows that she doesn't just want to be friends with him- she wants to win him over. You're an obstacle in HER way. And think about this. Why is he not being trusting of you? Is it perhaps because he himself is not being trustworthy? He's projecting the untrustworthy things he's doing behind your back, it seems. Untrustworthy people can get paranoid that their significant other is doing the same untrustworthy things they are doing. Guys don't like ultimatums. You can't just all of a sudden demand "if you want to be with me, you have to stop talking to her." But please, tell him how you really feel. Just don't say "she's being inappropriate." You really need to explain how it's making you feel. Don't blame her, focus on how it's effecting you and how it's effecting the relationship. But you are absolutely right, this is extremely rude and inappropriate behavior the both of them are displaying. If he keeps defending her and continues to do what he is doing even after you talk to him, you have to consider ending the relationship. He seems to be playing you, and that's not fair to you at all.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (28 February 2012):
 You definitely got one thing right: you've definitely put up with way too much unacceptable shit. There is NOTHING normal, or platonic about their relationship. To think that you chalked up a lot of the evidence as "they're just friends" is very naive of you. Sorry to break this to you, but they DON'T have a normal, or appropriate friend relationship. 1. He is receiving pictures with "love you" messages and2. He visits and sleeps over at her place3. He received a V-Day card and sent an inappropriate message to her4. He sends her messages back saying he loves herHave you ever met a taken man, who gets pictures with love you messages from a female FRIEND? This is such a no brainer that I find it difficult to understand how you could even think this is normal. If they're such good friends, why is it that you have never met her? Why are you never invited to come along when he visits her? Why do you think that is? It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he was cheating on you with her.You should be upset with your boyfriend moreso than with her. She is single while your boyfriend is with YOU. He is a very WILLING participant in this, never saying NO to her. Instead he is visit her, sending love you messages, sleeping over and hiding cards he received from her. If you think they're just friends, you're lying to yourself, or you're completely oblivious to the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This same type of thing happened to me and I'm a lot older than you and should have known better. So I want to try to help you here. A serious boyfriend I had had a female "friend" that he had actually dated in the past. But they became good "buddies". When I first met him, he told me flat out that any woman that he dated would have to be okay with the fact that he was in a "brother-sister" friendship relationship with this woman. I'm here to tell you that even IF he considers the girl just a friend, there is probably something that satisfies his ego about having this girl who probably sees him as more than a friend calling him "hun", sending him notes and cards and visiting him and vice versa. It also adds some 'boy drama' to the relationship with you. This girl is way out of line, in my opinion. The ex girlfriend of my ex was constantly hanging around. They talked on the phone more than we did. She went to his house and he cooked her breakfast and they talked and talked and talked. She felt sorry for herself when she was not seeing anyone and injected herself into our dinner dates with other couples BY HERSELF where she proceeded to sulk about being single and making eveyone else feel unconfortable and bad. It did our relationship lots of harm. He refused to see that it was not okay for me to have to feel funny and slighted when they hung out when I couldn't (because I have kids that needed me and she was fancy free). He forgot my birthday one year and she KNEW IT! She waited until the day after my birthday and THEN called to tell him becuase she couldn't wait for the fight to begin. SHE WANTED HIM and he knew it but refused to (or pretended not to) believe it becuase he LOVED the ego boost of having two women that wanted him! Well, fast forward...my boyfriend and I are no longer together. I believe that he learned (too late) that having this female third wheel around was not such a good idea. And...the girl...Well, she used him and made me miserable until she found a man of her own. Then she dropped my ex-boyfriend like a hot rock. She didn't need his friendship nearly as much, apparently, when she was happy with a man of her own. Hmmmm...She's now happily married and I'm sure doensn't feel an ounce of guilt regarding her part in stressing our relationship. Bottom line...if your boyfriend doesn't care enough about your feelings to heavily subdue this relationship with another girl, then he doesn't care enough about you. This is a recipe for disaster. She is trouble with a capital "T". It's not about him and her. It's about the fact that part of the deal in a relationship is to make sure by your actions that your partner is secure in your relationship to the best of your ability. Providing, of course, that your partner is a reasonable person. You sound like a reasonable person to me. I would not put up with this. He needs to man up and put his girlfriend first.
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