A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this man for 2 years, met him online and it is a long distance relationship as we don’t see each other regularly, only twice a month which was ok with me....Anyway he started talking about having a future together... to move away and be with him but I don’t love him, I thought I did but i don’t... trouble is he does worship the ground I walk on, puts me on a high pedestal which I found overwhelming but he is a lovely kind hearted guy.... I tried to end it but he got depressed... had panic attacks at work, took time off sick he wasn’t eating and lost a lot of weight, I felt so very guilty I went back to him because i didnt want him to be ill over me.... but now I just can’t handle this situation no more but I feel so bad to end it....What shall I do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 May 2018):
 Intentionally or not, he is emotionally blackmailing you into staying with him. You need to end it for your own happiness and eventually his. Be kind, gentle, but be firm. Once you do end it you will need to cut contact, as this will not stop until he takes responsibility for his own health.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (11 May 2018):
 I hear you, i really do.
I'm going to come from a somewhat "different" approach here.
I agree with all the other Agony Aunts and i do think you need to make a clean break and stick to your guns, HOWEVER, just be YOU, be kind and be as gentle as you need to be, in the process.
I say this for a number of reasons.
You come across as a very naturally sweet, gentle, caring and loyal person and you know what?
You do not need to change who you are, not even upon breaking up with a man, who is playing with your mind.
So long as you break up with him and stick to following through with it, then do it YOUR way and the way that you feel MOST COMFORTABLE doing.
If you turn into somebody you're not, just to break up with this guy, then YOUR AFTERMATH won't be too pleasant and you'll end up questioning yourself, you'll end up with more personal identity issues, than you can cope with.
You'll feel guilty, for having acted so bitchy and hard toward him and then you'll be dealing with your own burdens.
It isn't in your nature, to act intentionally "bitchy".
If you don't feel comfortable acting this way, then don't act this way. Just feel free to be yourself.
The other thing, whilst you're not responsible for this guys behaviour, you ought still try to place yourself in his shoes at the point of break up, so it's always better to be mindful/kind than to be cruel.
None of us like to go through a break up, especially if it wasn't our choice.
Just something to think about. :-)
I know in the end, it'll benefit HE, as much as YOU, because it simply wasn't meant to be, however, we can still be MINDFUL and RESPECTFUL.
The way we treat others and the way we break up with others, can really have a heavy impact on them and sometimes, more so than we realise.
It can even have a very temporary impact on us.
Either way, you're going to leave him, so when you do, make it "easier" for the two of you and especially given the fact, that you've said he's a really lovely and kind hearted guy.
You certainly didn't say he was a monster.
Just tread lightly in your approach, but stick to ending it, because you really must think of YOU and YOUR needs first and foremost.
The other thing, you are far apart and you didn't see a whole lot of each other anyway, so it really should be much easier to break complete ties with him and he really has no power over you whatsoever.
YOU must take full control here and do it now.
The quicker you deal with this break up, the better overall for you and he'll learn to accept/appreciate your choice.
If you're that worried, i'm sure that with time, he will be fine.
This guy will have to sort out his own mental health state and his own emotional issues, as you are not responsible to "fix" him, or even help him.
As an adult, he's responsible for his own behaviours and cannot try to lay the "guilt trip" on you.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2018): I feel like these responses are sort of cold and unempathic. Let him know you don't want to be with him anymore, but let him know you're willing to be there for him as a friend. Encourage him to seek therapy. Anxiety is no fun, and it sounds like that's what he's dealing with. It can be scary to face that alone. You're not responsible for it, but you can surely help him through it a bit.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 May 2018):
 You need to end it and stick to it.
If he can’t deal with the break up then it’s on HIM to get the help he needs. If he needs therapy or councilling then that’s for him to sort out. You need to look after your own well-being and nobody else’s. It’s not fair to stay with someone out of pity, but it’s also not fair of him to expect to stay together because he can’t deal with the situation.
Tell him it’s over and you’re backing off to give him the space he needs to get over it. If needs be, block his contact. It’s not nice to be rejected but it’s life, people don’t always get what they want so don’t give him false hope, be clear that it’s over and let him deal with it however he needs to.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (10 May 2018):
There are so many red flags here I don’t know where to start. But here goes: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MAN’S HAPPINESS. He is manipulating you! For your wellbeing you need to break it off with this man and break it off now. We will start with his mental game playing again, don’t let him break it off and stay broken off. If you need to cut off contact with him and I think you do, then do it. Don’t take his calls don’t read his emails block his text.
You are not responsible for his happiness or his unhappiness. Stop feeling guilty about something you do not control!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 May 2018):
 OP, you can't date someone out of PITY.
I get that you feel bad that you mentioning breaking up affected him, but by STRINGING him along (and you ARE doing that right now as you don't love him and you don't want a future with him) THAT is even more cruel than dumping him and ending it!
You need to END this in one fell swoop. Tell him, I don't see a future with the two of us, I wish you all the best and I will CUT all contact. And then you DO JUST that.
The REASON you got back together was because you KEPT in contact you LET him talk you into feeling SORRY for him and continue dating him.
HE is an adult and RESPONSIBLE for HIS own actions. Yes, I get that a panic attack might not be in his control but GETTING help for it IS.
When you break up with him, Be kind, be gentle but BE firm.
You BOTH deserve someone who LOVES you. Worship is pointless in a relationship.
If you have to, change your phone number too after the break up.
I know it doesn't feel good to hurt someone's feeling but what about YOUR feelings? YOUR life?
You are doing NO ONE any favors by staying in a relationship with him. It doesn't even make you a "nice" person to stay.
You don't want to be with him, so DON'T!
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