A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello all of you,I'm Lauren, I would like you all to know my name.I need some advice.I have just come out of a 16 year relationship, my now ex was a lot older than me and had his fill of life experience, married, 4 kids, divorced and then re wed with one kid. so we made an agreement that no more kids was the right way to go. so after 16 years putting off my life, no kids, no marriage (yep, pretty much gave up everything for that man) I have been single for 11 months and I have met the right man, my age, yes hes been married but he hasn't got any kids. no ties to any other woman. so we have been getting on so great and he has talked about the idea of children, but told me marriage is off the cards. I am kind of ok with that. so he has told me that he feels like he would like to try for a baby in the next year as he feels that he is ready and wise enough to be a parent.so heres my problem, he gets my hopes up talking about kids and then a few weeks later tells me he isn't too sure. I cant tell if I want kids because I feel like I now can or do I not want kids cos he keeps changing his mind.its really upsetting me , I keep getting my hopes up and then talking myself out of it and then he encourages me and then tells me he isn't sure.please help me as I am really confused. any advice appreciated tia Lauren
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 You need to ask yourself what do you want, stop agreeing with what the men want and start putting yourself first. If you want both marriage and children then be honest with him. Why should you make compromises? Why should you look back in five years when he has changed his mind again and regretted your decision. You need to take charge off your life and what you want. I know myself I would not want to have a child unless I was married. So I will stand my ground on that. Look after yourself first.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (31 January 2017):
 Sounds to me like you WANT both kids AND marriage, but thought if you SETTLED for "just" having a kid it would work out.
I think you figured you "gave up" marriage for him she he should be OK with a kid for you.
He wants NEITHER, he keeps talking about kids - having them, not having them to keep you around. Most people KNOW if they want kids or not.
You do find a lot of people who DON'T want kids until that day they DO want kids. That is me for instance. I didn't want kids til I met my now husband. I have 3.
DO settle for something half-assed. you say he is "the right" man, but he really isn't. He doesn't WANT the same things as you.
And you can waste EVEN more time (and chances for a family) by staying with him, or decide that you want to BE with someone who WANTS marriage AND kids. There is no shame in wanting those.
It's SO easy for these divorced men to set the rules, but does that mean YOU should just follow blindly? Like you did for 11 years?
How about you LIVE for you? Do what you feel will make YOU happy. FIND someone who wants the same things, not just TALK about wanting these things and then the next week NOT wanting these things.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 January 2017):
Easy fix...You get his hopes up about sex...then change your mind...every time.
You see this... "I have met the right man"
The right man would put a ring on your hand...not give you hope. You HOPE it does not rain after you just had your hair done. You HOPE you get good weather on your vacation....But your life...You plan.
You don't hope for a child. You plan for a child, then you work on making it happen. Do not get a man who has hope...get a man that has a plan.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 So marriage is off the cards, he's somewhat willing to get you pregnant and you're OK with this arrangement? How are you even on board with this? With marriage off the cards, he's made it clear that he doesn't want any legal ties with you; he can drop you any instant and you'll be a single mother fighting for your child's rights.
As it is he's fickle about having children, what makes you so sure he won't run for the hills as soon as there's a baby on the scene with all the added responsibility, sleepless nights, mounting expenses, doctors visits and a very difficult new life to adjust to?
Call me old school but don't go on to get pregnant without being married first. Please make things legal first. Don't give in so easily. Your child deserves the security of a family and ideally a father who's there for him/her every step of the way.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (29 January 2017):
 Sounds like he told you what he thought you wanted to hear at the time so he can keep you around and then he went home, thought about it and regretted it. What do you really want? Do you really want kids or would you be happy just being with someone who loves you for you? You need to tell him what YOU want and be prepared if he sais not me, bye bye! Are you ok with raising a child on your own with no help from a man?(if you are tell him that as well........maybe its the responsibility that scares him....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Sounds like he told you what he thought you wanted to hear at the time so he can keep you around and then he went home, thought about it and regretted it. What do you really want? Do you really want kids or would you be happy just being with someone who loves you for you? You need to tell him what YOU want and be prepared if he sais not me, bye bye! Are you ok with raising a child on your own with no help from a man?(if you are tell him that as well........maybe its the responsality that scares him....
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 January 2017):
 You're too busy focusing on what the men want. Sit down, alone, and think to yourself: do I want to be a mother? Regardless of who you're with, do you want to hear someone call you "mum" for the rest of your life?
If you decide you do want children, you need to tell this man you do and need someone who also does. If you don't, you need to tell him the same, that you need someone who doesn't.
I believe you do want marriage and children, as you have it up for the other guy and that didn't work out with you feeling fulfilled, so don't give it up for another one, or you'll do the same this time round.
Do what *you* want with your life - don't settle for a guy who doesn't want the same!
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