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He gets hard but can't get off! It's making me feel as if I can't please him. Help

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 August 2006) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 August 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

im hoping i can find some advice here.the problem is that my boyfriend has trouble getting off during sex. any kind of sex,even oral sex although he can get off that way sometimes but it can take hours.it doesnt bother me exactly,the only thing is that it makes me feel as if i cant please him. he says thats not the problem,and that he has only gotten off during sex a few times in his whole life.he can get off during masturbation a lot easier than through sex.

he has mentioned viagra recently,but im not sure that would help because isnt the purpose of viagra to make you last longer?? he doesnt have a problem staying hard or anything,and he already lasts for hours so im not sure viagra would be the solution. could there be some other kind of solution? or maybe theres a reason why he has so much trouble getting off during sex? i was thinking stress maybe, but im not sure if that would be right because he says hes always been this way.like i said,it doesnt really bother me as long as he is still enjoying it,but it does bother him that he cant get off,and he wants to be able to get off faster rather than taking hours to be able to even possibly get off in the end.i guess i would just appreciate any advice that might seem helpful to the situation because it can be frustrating for both of us at times.for me because i want to give him pleasure but it seems almost impossible to get him off,and for him because he really wants to get off but cant.

View related questions: last longer, oral sex, viagra

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (28 August 2006):

Yos agony auntI have had this problem myself. It's quite unusual, but happens more than many people are aware. It is particular in that most people feel it would be a 'nice problem to have', but in reality it isn't. It can undermine sexual confidence for both partners.

It can have many causes. You need to determine the cause so you can figure out the cure. You could talk these over with your boyfriend to see if any of these fit:

- Holding back emotionally. Inability to 'let go'. This can happen connected to performance anxiety, sexual insecurity or negative previous sexual experiences. It can be tied to sex 'feeling wrong' in some way, or feeling that letting go is selfish. These causes can be challenging to pin down. Therapy or other techniques (eg sensate focus) can help with this.

- Physical problems of some sort. Also drugs like antidepressants and beta-blockers can have this effect. This is something to talk to his doctor about.

- Stress and anxiety can be a cause, although generally they seem to reduce overall sex drive rather than just inhibit orgasm. Everyone's different however.

- Not getting enough physical stimulation. This can happen if someone has masturbated a lot (especially if they still are a lot...), since you can exert more and specific pressure with your hand. The solution: stop masturbating! A few times I have seen this issue come up, it turned out the guy was sneaking off and masturbating every day when his girlfriend / wife wasn't around. And then wondering why he was having trouble climaxing with her...

- Not getting enough mental stimulation. This can be from having experienced too much porn. Porn can raise the bar for the level of visual stimulation needed to get someone turned on. Especially if they are used to recalling porn-derived images and fantasies to get off whilst having regular sex (more common than you think). The best thing to do if this is the case is cut out all porn. It does improve over time as the memories and stored porn images fade. If your boyfriend is looking at porn a lot then this could be a cause (although men hate to admit this).

- Not being attracted to the person. You are going to have more difficulty getting turned on if you don't find the person you are with attractive.

Viagra is NOT a good idea. It will have the opposite effect to what you want (as it sounds like you've already guessed).

Do by careful how you communicate about this. It can effect his sexual confidence, which is dangerous territory. My girlfriend said at the time 'All men should be able to orgasm every time'. She didn't mean anything negative by it but it took many months for me to get over that comment (I'm still not fully over it...). Why? Because you can translate that comment into: "None of my previous boyfriends had this problem". And so on...

If you want more information I suggest you research 'retarded ejaculation', which is the medical term for this condition.

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A female reader, chunkymunky United Kingdom +, writes (28 August 2006):

chunkymunky agony auntit could be a number of reasons why he doesnt 'get off' so to speak but i think the best idea is for him to go see a gp and see what they say, because like you said it could be stress related. Maybe you should try doing some differant things with him? try experimenting with your sex life together and try some differant things to see if thats a solution to the problem - it wont hurt to try ;) hope things turn out for the best xxx

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