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He gets angry and accuses me of being controlling if I ask for a bit of attention!

Tagged as: Faded love, Health, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 November 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 7 November 2017)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Husband has very much a situational based depression due to work issues where there is no way out for two years as he is in a work situation where a personal guaranteee is in place that would cost us about €60,000 to get out of. So theres two more years of this.

We are arguing and he wants to be left alone to do what he needs to do until then. Im left worrying about our relationship.he doesnt seem to realise that his depression also affects me and gets so angry and makes me out to be a horrible person who refuses to understand his state of mind. I dont want to sound selfish but when i get angry because he is playing computer games for 12 hours its mostly because i dont know how to deal with all this.

He gets so angry at me and accuses me of trying to control him when all i want is a little bit of attention. Is that wrong? I just want to hold him and have a chat every now and again. I dont mind the game playing as he is doing it as a way to distract and relax. But he doesnt hear when i say things and doesnt even stop for dinner.

How can i get through to him without another huge argument about me being selfish and controlling?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (7 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat I don't understand is how he has time to work sleep and play 12 hours off games? He is acting like a child and he needs to see that you have needs as well. Okay so he may be suffering from depression but him playing video games and pushing you away is not going to help. If he thinks he has depression the first thing he needs to do is go to a doctor to go through his options. Secondly you need to tell him if he keeps pushing you away and not trying that he is going to loose you. Thirdly you both should agree on a date night weekly. Go out for dinner, or to the movies, or have a date night in doors where all phones are off and it is just the both off you. Rekindle the spark you both once had, I agree life gets in the way but both off you need to work to get the relationship back on track.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (5 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

writing a letter as Denizen has suggested is a very good idea and you could even think of expressing everything within your letter to your husband.

Place the letter, (in a envelope with his name clearly written on the envelope), where he spends most of his time and do it when he's not there.

It's best to release all of your feelings into your letter, rather than be tempted to talk to your husband again, because you know from experience that talking to him isn't working for you both.

You can state within your letter that you are there for him support wise, that you respect him, appreciate him and above all else, love him, that you really want to re-connect and most importantly, you are there for him during this difficult/stressful period in his life.

Let him know that when you speak, it's never because you want an argument, but only because you and he speak different languages.

You are female, he's male, so when you express your feelings, he's interpreting your words the way a male would and he cannot see it from your "female perspective."

Many people don't realise, that men and women are different, whereby communication is concerned and we are hardwired very differently from a biological standpoint.

This is all very normal and as wonderful a relationship as my husband and i have, even we have had our share of disagreements based upon different interpretations of things.

Let your husband know too, that your intent is only to love him and as part of loving him, this includes much important time together, as husband and wife.

Let him know you miss the wee things together and no, you are not controlling and/or demanding, but you simply miss your together time and want it back.

When you both married, you married for better or for worse.

I know that's an old fashioned statement, but yet it still rings so, so true.

It's little wonder that in this day and age, so many couples take the route of separation/divorce, because one and/or neither are prepared to work through their "smallest" issues together.

At present, you're both contending with a challenge, not an obstacle, so you can both work through this "together", BUT ONLY IF YOU BOTH COME TO AN AGREEMENT AND ONLY IF YOUR HUSBAND IS PREPARED TO HEAR YOU OUT AND TO COMPROMISE HERE.

This is where you must share with him, in your letter, that you want to be able to connect with him on every level and you want to be able to express yourself, without you both reading each other the wrong way and without you both getting defensive, because your agenda is to make peace not war.

When writing your letter, do remember to sound very supportive and encouraging and do not write anything accusatory, degrading, demeaning or defensive.

Just write a positive and supportive letter that's sure to get his attention and get your message across in a constructive way.

If you write negative and accusatory things, he will not read it and he'll become even more angry and frustrated.

Focus on writing that you "support" him and "appreciate" all he does for you and for your marriage.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (5 November 2017):

Denizen agony auntTry putting it in a letter. It will give him time to digest what you are telling him and perhaps come back with a more measured response.

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