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age
41-50,
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writes: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about two months (I’m 27, he’s 25). Everything has been going really, really well, until about 3 days ago. He went into my cell phone and found text messages from another guy. There were two series of messages…Both were the guy asking what I was doing on that evening and I responded by telling him I was traveling on business, which I was. The messages were short and to the point. Nothing that could be considered “flirting”. I had no intention of going out with this guy. Through my short messages back telling him I was out of town, I thought he’d get the message that I was blowing him off. Now that my boyfriend saw these messages he says that he can’t trust me, he doesn’t believe anything I say and basically won’t let this go. It’s hard for me to deal with because I really like my boyfriend and I don’t want any negative feelings between us, but at the same time I haven’t done anything wrong. In the past few days I’ve been having to explain myself constantly and try to convince my boyfriend that I’m not seeing anyone else, have never cheated on him and that I’m only interested in him. I don’t know what to do! I just everything to be good between us again.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Who was the guy? I can understand that you had no intentions of going out with this other guy but why didn't he know your relationship status? If he does know your relationship status, he's showing no respect. You are not obligated to be courteous to a person who does not respect your boyfriends status in your life.
If some guy asked my wife out I'd expect her to say "No thank you and by the way, I'm married" If she said "I'm busy tonight" that would not give a very clear signal. You did not give this a guy a clear signal. Judging from your reply, he'll have no reason not to try again.
If you want to have a confident boyfriend, he needs to see you're trustworthy. If you saw those messages on his phone you'd wonder too. He may have been wrong to snoop but at this point he feels justified based on what he found.
A
female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Your b/f feels threatened, possibly because your relationship is still new. Speak to him some more, maybe he has been cheated on in the past. Be understanding to him although make it clear you have done nothing wrong. As for reading your text, maybe he shouldn't have, but i feel people should be able to read each other texts despite what others might say. I don't care if my husband reads my texts or e-mails, why would I? I have nothing to hide.
Texting and e-mail nowadays make it so easy for people to cheat on their spouses, I know of someone who's husband has some female co-worker texting and e-mailing him, and being VERY familiar with him. I don't think she was wrong to check, she has a right to know.
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female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Here is the opinion from someone who is traditional... Offending you is not my intention...But...
I don't want to sound cynical, but if things are sooo innocent, how did this guy get your phone number in the first place? If you are really into your boyfriend, why are you still passing out your phone number? Perhaps you LIKE the attention from other guys. Attention from JUST your boyfriend isn't enough for you. Which is the reason why you still are giving out your number. If that is the case, then you are not ready for a "one on one" commitment.
If I were you, I would tell the other guy, to stop contacting you. That is, if you want to stay with your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (1 February 2008):
Here is the opinion from someone who is traditional... Offending you is not my intention...But...
I don't want to sound cynical, but if things are sooo innocent, how did this guy get your phone number in the first place? If you are really into your boyfriend, why are you still passing out your phone number? Perhaps you LIKE the attention from other guys. Attention from JUST your boyfriend isn't enough for you. Which is the reason why you still are giving out your number. If that is the case, then you are not ready for a "one on one" commitment.
If I were you, I would tell the other guy, to stop contacting you. That is, if you want to stay with your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Your b/f is insecure and the next time , you should learn to delete any texts after reading them in the receive and send sections.
You may have the perception that you did nothing wrong or it is not your fault.
Do you know what goes on in your b/f's mind?
He is thinking that you encourage them to text or like to flirt with them.Otherwise why would a man send you texts?
This wrong perception of his is the cause of your problem. You cannot change this perception of his. You try to get around it.
He will sulk for a while and if you leave any male texts around, your problem will appear again.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Hi there,
maybe your boyfriend has been cheated on in the past, why else would he be looking at messages on your mobile phone, this demonstrates a complete lack of trust, not to mention the invasion of privacy. If anything he should be explaining this to you.
On the flip side , you might want to tell this guy to stop texting you as you are in a relationship, there is no question he is chasing you ( guys just don't go after girls who are in relationships unless they want to wrestle them away for themselves )
But it still looks like you have a boyfriend who has been burned in his past, you need to find this out from him as he owes you an explanation for the invasion of your privacy. What next? he will check your mail? listen in on your phone calls? vet your friends? If this cycle of mistrust does not resolve itself you are in for a rocky road.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): well, whats the origin of those texts- who was the guy?
it could be viewed if people are hitting you up, maybe its because they dont know that you're with someone...and why dont they.
nothing worse then a man acting insecure. if you care, do something for him that will show him theres no reason for doubt.
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (31 January 2008):
was it really innocent? if it was then theres nothing else you can do about it. he has to drop it. youve only been with him two months and hes this jealous? maybe hes insecure or maybe hes been burned before whatever ...the reason hes gotta let it go.
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A
male
reader, Jugurtha +, writes (31 January 2008):
I fail to understand how you can be responsible for messages sent by someone else to your phone.
It seems obvious to me that your boyfriend has been cheated on in the past and that this is pushing his buttons. Therefore, this isn't really about the text messages, but more about his own insecurities and unresolved issues.
I think you need to confront him about this, and let him know that by equating you to his previous experiences he is doing you a disservice, and that you won't put up with that.
You are not his past, does he want you to be his future? And is his current behaviour the future you want for yourself? He should be flattered (instead of afraid) that other men pay you some attention. It shows what a good catch you are.
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