A
female
age
30-35,
*riaz
writes:I befriended a guy at the gym I initially developed feelings for, but discovered he had a gf. My feelings for him eventually died down. However my friends think that he's interested in me. I flat out denied it. There was a rumor going around that we were together, so I started distancing myself from him a little, out of respect for his gf. After a while though, I couldn't deny that some of his actions indicated interest. He always makes it a point to touch me, and always comes find me when he sees me. I am one of the only people he talks to at the gym. He hardly ever mentions his gf, and when he does, it's always negative. He told me a month ago that they've been fighting a lot. I asked him why and he wouldn't tell me. Now they are broken up. He was very hesitant to tell me why, but eventually said he ended things because of his strong feelings for me. He didn't tell his gf the real reason. I guess I didn't give him the reaction he was hoping for. I was shocked, and ultimately felt guilty. I had a hunch that he liked me, but was hoping I was wrong because he had a gf. I feel very guilty because I feel like I broke them up, even though I never asked him to. I even defended his gf to him a few times. I've never met her, nor do I know much about her. I don't know what to do. I can't say I'm 100% over him, since I always have lingering feelings for everyone I've ever liked. I know I don't want to be his rebound. But I also don't want to hurt him. Hes become a good friend, and I don't want to lose that. But I dont think I want a romantic relationship with him either. I feel like our relationship has already changed. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): Has his girlfriend confirmed that they are officially broke-up? He just disses his girl just like that, to come for you? After he gets what he wants from you, then comes the pining and regret for leaving his ex-girlfriend. Don't be the rebound girl!
You described the typical player. They drop a girl for another girl, knowing the other hasn't quite gotten over him. He keeps a secret chat going with the ex, asking for his space to think. While she's on hold, he starts his game to see if he can taste your sweets. You don't want nor deserve a refugee from some recently broken relation chasing your goodies on the rebound. Let him get over her first, and give her some respect and let him know what he did to his girl is a dirty rotten shame.
As for being friends? Seriously?!! You have feelings and they are not in a friendly way. Truth be told you are all too flattered that he would drop his girl to chase you.
My advice! Don't be. The karma will eat you alive, and that would include him dumping you to take her back. Best you give him a wave and a smile and run for the hills!
Trying to be friends is just leaving the door open just not to make yourself look bad. Women see through each other, and his ex would do everything in her power to sabotage your so-called friendship. I don't really believe you feel guilt for breaking them up, or he never would have gotten close enough after the breakup to tell you what happened.
If you had asked if he had a girlfriend before you started getting feelings for him; there would be no reason to get over him. That is the lesson to be learned here.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 October 2016):
 I agree, you are not his friend and he is NOT yours. He doesn't see you as a friend, if he did... he wouldn't have ended it with his GF.
Friendships don't work when one person have romantic feelings for the other. It creates a different dynamics.
As for him breaking up with his GF. NOT your "fault". I think he was hoping you would be SO flattered to know he dumped her because of feelings for you, you'd date him straight away! That way he wouldn't be single - he would just jump from one girl to the next. He had already told you they were fighting, maybe she heard some of those rumors, maybe they just weren't a good fit. BUT... YOU didn't ASK him to dump her, YOU didn't suggest you would date him if he dumped her... So the dumping of the GF - HIS choice. YOU owe him nothing for that. And I agree that it's a more "decent" move to dump her than to start seeing another girl behind her back. YOU didn't break them up. OK?
If he talks about going out on a date, seeing each other etc. Tell him that you don't want to be a rebound and that you feel friendship is all you can offer. (and I really wouldn't suggest being "friends" either)
I get that you don't want to hurt him, but that doesn't mean you have to "play along". In the end, NOT telling him can be perceived as you stringing him along instead.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 October 2016):
 Oh, sweetie, don't fool yourself into thinking this man is your friend. He has a romantic interest in you, that right there means there is no friendship coming from his side. And if you use him as a friend whilst KNOWING he wants more, then you are just using him, to tell you the truth. He doesn't want to be your friend, he wants more. So no, you can't have friendship with him, not ever. Just throw that idea out of your head.
Next, it's not your fault he ended his relationship. You didn't throw a magic spell on him to make him fall in love with you. That one is on him, and he did the right thing in ending his relationship once he realized he had strong feelings for someone else. Whether you start a relationship with him or not, he still did the right thing in ending his relationship. Because you shouldn't be in a relationship if you're having feelings for someone else, that's emotional cheating, and no one deserves that either.
So bottom line is you tell him that you aren't interested in more than friendship. I must tell you though, that even if you tell him you want friendship, he will not be your friend. He might say ok, but he's not there for friendship, so probably he will stop talking to you. Which is something he has to do, otherwise his feelings for you will not die. It's a necessity to stop talking to the one you have feelings for, in order to let the feelings go away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): I think you're right to keep your relationship as friendship-only. He may have developed feelings for you because he was lonely in his relationship and you're smart to not want to be a rebound.
It's not your fault that they broke up, either. He needs time to figure out what he wants even if he doesn't think he does.
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