A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend has recently asked me to move in with him. we had a conversation about our finances and his expectation of what i should contribute to the household expenses. He wants to split everything 50/50. We got into an argument over this because I make considerably less than he does. Considerably less meaning he makes triple the amount of income I earn. He is comparing what I pay now in rent to what he expects me to help out with at his house. Now his rent/mortgage is less than my rent but we were discussing other expenses such as utilities and food which is going to be a huge expense. I said I would take on one of the utilities and be responsible for groceries. He didn't like that and wanted me to split everything in half. The issue with that is I am almost living pay check to pay check right now living on my own. I really do not have much disposable income and so I don't have hundreds of dollars left over after all my bills are paid. He is also aware that right after I move in I will need to start paying off my student loan debt. He does not have debt to pay on. I am pretty upset with what he expects me to do. I do not consider this a fair arrangement. How can I be content with a situation that leaves me essentially in the same financial situation that I was living on my own? He has a significant amount of disposable income leftover while I have barely none. He is also 15 years older than me. I am not looking for everything of mine to be taken care of by him but this discussion left me with the feeling of not being secure moving forward. I do not feel like I have that support that I need from him, especially him being the breadwinner.
View related questions:
debt, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): The details of what he is proposing are one thing - and you've had lots of responses to that already. BUT it's more his approach to the whole thing that I think is very telling. Honeypie touched on this in the first post: he sounds like an extremely controlling person who is so afraid of the 'grey area' of intimacy that he is trying to pin everything down from the start, so that he can feel in control and in a position of power, rather than one of vulnerability. On the surface, it could read that he just wants everything to be fair - the 50/50 rationale seems reasonable at first glance. But as soon as you take into account your situation it becomes clear that he is almost aggressively ruling out the details and reality of your individual circumstances. Instead of coming up with an idea to help you to have a better life, he's sticking to this very impersonal rule to try to avoid becoming emotionally involved. it is also extremely confrontational - by that, I mean that it is like someone handing out an ultimatum "I don't care what your circumstances are, if you don't do it this way, then there's no deal". To take this overtly cold approach with someone that you are supposed to care about and want to live with is totally contradictory and seems like a desperate act on his part to try to avoid intimacy, where his own sense of control would, in a healthily intimate situation, fluctuate (in a good way) and he would at times be vulnerable.Again, the details of what you pay or what part of the household chores you do are, I think, kind of 'beside the point', here - it is the way that he is structuring the whole conversation about it and his need for control that I think should have you running for the hills. A less controlling man might say something like "look, ideally I think we should do 50/50 on this but only if we are earning the same, so let's come up with an initial agreement and then discuss it again in six months or when your circumstances improve". Get rid of him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2018): A true example of a cheapo! If I were you, I would break up with him altogether. You deserve a better man!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2018): I'm in the same situation my boyfriend wants me to pay half of his rent when it isn't my house and doesn't cost him anymore if I stay there. He also wants me to pay half of everything when I'm on hardly any money and he has lots of money from his job. I feel like he doesn't love me by going on about money constantly and I don't know whether to move in because of it either.
...............................
A
male
reader, liddel +, writes (28 April 2018):
I'm torn on this. Overall, the agreement is negotiable. If you can't come to terms that you can live with, just don't do it. Having said that, something Fatherly advice said made me think a bit differently and should be factored into the negotiation. Your mate will be getting the benefit of you helping to pay his mortgage and he holds the equity. He is now paying his bills. More than likely, his costs will go down drastically when you move in. Whether you pay half to a third or even a quarter, that will be money he saves. Make a counter offer. Offer a set amount of money and then be willing to live elsewhere. You can find a roommate situation, with one or two other people and spend less. Plus you can do it in the town you work and save the commute money. Then he will be getting no benefit from additional monies to his household. It's all about negotiation. As to fair, if you agree, then it's fair. If you don't agree and make other arrangements, that's fair too. Maybe if you turn him down, then $1000 savings from his expenses might seem better than $0. If you don't agree, then don't do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): this situation OP is only beneficial for your BF. The right thing to do is move in and pay half of the mortgage only if you MARRY HIM if not you do not have to pay any half of any mortgage, you can contribute with it and the expenses (electricity, food, maid, cable etc) that's all. He is 15 years older than you OP and he has not any consideration for his woman who works and support herself and pays the student loan? He expects you to do the maids job because he is not willing to continue paying it because you can not afford to pay it?!! what kind of man is it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 April 2018):
 There's something very weird about the way he's with money. It is almost bizarre that he's nitpicking to such an extent about the maid... And it is beyond disrespectful that he's telling you to either chip in or be the maid yourself! That statement alone would have me walking out of the door if I were you. Imagine having a family with a miser like this! Yikes!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 April 2018):
 Is he serious?
You HAVE to pay half the maid cost OR do all the cleaning? Really?
So in essence you either pay half the maid cost or YOU are the FREE (not paid) maid!
I honestly think, Fatherly Advice is on to something. And I agree I would NOT move in with him under these circumstances. I would however, be looking for accommodation in order to save money. Such as a room mate arrangement or the likes. Since you spend your weekends at is and you are at work Mon-Fri all you REALLY need is a place to sleep & cook meals.
Seems like he is putting up road blocks. It "sounds" like he wants to live together, but he really doesn't ( I think). Which seems to fit with FA's suggesting that he is NOT ready to commit to a full partnership.
I would NOT move in either.
Financially, yes you might save a little but 1. you give on time (and more money) on the commute and 2. you give up time to be his maid if you can't afford to cost of the maid. 3. if the relationship doesn't work out, you are SOL when it comes to just about everything.
The whole maid-debacle would be enough for me to say, no I don't think moving in with him is a good thing for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): The maid thing would rub me the wrong way. Why does HE get to dictate what you will or will not do? And why all or nothing with the maid and cooking? It’s patronizing like he’s your boss or worse your warden, ugh, no thank you. Has he been like this the whole time you’ve been together, or just about the house?
I wouldn’t be ok with the fact he’s focusing on “fairness” above all else...which means he’s not focusing on you as a person he’s supposed to love. Sorry, but people shouldn’t nickel and dime the people they love! And he’s nickel and dime-ing you, he’s super rule and detail oriented, which is bad. Or else he has trust issues or maybe even trust issues specific to his house. HIS house by the way, he’s making sure you know that, and since he’s in charge, be prepared for more rules about his house if you move in.
All of this is a bad sign because it means he’s not taking you seriously as a partner he can trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Oh my God you would have to drive a hour to work each day?All tht gas money and all tht wear and tear on your car? And then because you cannot afford the maid you will be doing all of the housework? Think with your head...really think.Does this even sound fair? Tell him ok you will be the maid but in exchange you want free room and board.That is fair.And on top of that you want to be paid.Live in maids get free room and board and they get paid.That is what you will be is his live in maid but wait itgets better.He will also get sex in this deal.Of course he wants you to move in.He gets all his bills half paid free maid service and sex...what guy would not want that? You must be smarter than this.It shows how little he respects you.Take off those rose colored glasses.This relationship is in no way equal.Why would you even consider this relationship?What is he super good in bed or something is that why it is ok to take advantage of you? Get out now before you are stuck and depressed.I guarantee this.This guy is a user.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 April 2018):
 Yes, if you do all of the maids work, you get the whole amount credited to your share. An hour commute to work will be expensive and rob you both of together time. Given this information, I think you should wait until you can find work closer to him, or find better paying work due to your degree, or until he is ready for a higher level of commitment.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to add to my original post after reading through some of the questions. We have been together for over a year now. He asked me to move in because I live and work in a town an hour from his community. I spend every weekend with him and time off from work. This is something we have discussed one day happening. He was not ready early in the relationship for us living together but he sees a future with me and does want to marry me. It does make me feel like a roommate the way he approached the situation. I think he assumes since my current rent is HIGHER than his mortgage that I can afford to split that with him along with everything else. But i agree with some of the posts that, I am helping him pay off his debt and if I am paying towards a mortgage my name should be attached to the home. Will moving in save me money? Yes, but my commute to work will be long and since he wants to split everything & I am the one moving to be with him shouldn't he contribute to gas? To address the assumption of household chores, he has a maid right now. He said I could split the cost of the maid with him or do the work she does. I have already offered to cook during the weekday and now he is giving me a choice, pay half the maid or do the maid's work. This situation alone makes me feel I should pay less since I will be doing ALL of the household chores & cooking.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Yes, it would not be unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect that once you move in with him that you contribute in some way towards household expenses. Conversely, considering the disparity in income it's very unreasonable for him to absolutely insist that you contribute more then you can afford to.
Wishing you all the best.
Ty
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 April 2018):
As I read this I keep thinking about paying on a mortgage and not earning equity. On the face it seems unfair. But, honestly renters everywhere do this. Common as mud.
I agree that the future of the relationship is bleak. And it isn't just the current earning gap. That could self correct, she has a degree. But he will retire 15 years before her. He will likely die 20 years before her. It really is no surprise that he is reluctant to commit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): Just do not do it.I can just see your future posts if you do. My boyfriend goes out without me because I cannot afford it or my boyfriend went on vacation without me because I cannot afford it.My boyfriend is mad at me because I cannot afford to do things with him but he will not pay my way.Forget him.Find a nice small studio apt. Learn from yourself who you are.Learn not to let boyfriends take advantage of you.Just like the other poster said seems like he is just viewing this as a roommate situation and not the next step in your relationship like you are. Let him go he really does not seem to care about you in the same way you care about him.You will save money living by yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): I would say that if you are expected to pay towards a mortgage then your name should be on the deeds. If this is something that he isn’t willing to do then I would not be willing to pay anything towards it, but be happy to split bills 50/50
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (26 April 2018):
 Do not move with him. END OF STORY.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (26 April 2018):
Here is how I read the original post. OP is living paycheck to paycheck now paying all of her rent utilities and Groceries. Soon she will have student loan payments added to that. She will not have enough income to cover that.
BF is offering her a new living arrangement that will lower her rent utilities and groceries to a level where she will be able to pay student debt. but she will still be living paycheck to paycheck. This is not, as she claims, leaving her in essentially in the same financial situation", because she is lowering her debt.
The offer allows her time to find improved employment matching the education she is paying off. Aside from misandrist speculation about chore allocation (which he is currently demonstrating his ability to handle alone) this is a good offer for her. Because without some change, she is not going to be able to pay her own debts and support.
Of course if she does not feel this is the deal she wants, she can find other solutions to her own problem. My Daughter moved back Home on university graduation for this very reason.
The relationship issue is much more interesting. The discussion over the financial arrangements left OP feeling not secure. Now we know that security is a top emotional need for women. His income and his age led her to expect more security. Her characterization of him as Breadwinner Tells us she sees him as husband. His insistence on 50/50 tells us he sees her as Girlfriend. He is telling her that he is not committing to her long term support right now. Today's men are very shy about this. he is over 40 and unattached. There is a fair chance that he intends to stay that way. Which of course means that OP has pinned her hopes for security on the wrong man.
Summary because this is confusing even to me. Financially this is a good move for OP. Emotional relationship wise, this is not a good move. She should think twice about moving in with, any playing house with a man who is not ready (and may never be ready) to commit.
You may want to look at this book (that I haven't read yet )Who Holds The Cards Now? 5 Lethal Steps to Win His Heart and Get Him to Commit (Relationship and Dating Advice for Women Book 1) by Gregg Michaelsen.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): If you guys are not in a stage of relationship where it doesn't matter to him who contributes more to finances, then why move in yet? Did he bring it up on his own? What really prompted him to ask you to move in if he's being so very particular about how much you contribute!? Since he's earning a lot more than you and much older too, it indicates there's not full trust or commitment from his side. This is my own personal opinion, it may not be true since I do not know much about you or other aspects of this relationship. Moving in together is a big step. Requires trust, commitment and future prospect or idea of getting married or engaged. It is not supposed to be an arrangement for benefit and convenience. Many people move in together because they feel it convenient or they think they'd get to know each other more but that is a wrong move IMO.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 April 2018):
 Technically he is right, I guess.
You still will take the same number of showers or cook the same number of meals etc., whether you are broke or if you were filthy rich. He is not a social worker and is not into social housing ; his concern is not, and should not be, to make sure you can live comfortably in a place which you can't manage with your own resources.
OTH, I don't see why would you pay half of his mortgage ?! The house remains his, and your name, I guess, is not on the house deed. His mortgage would not go up ( as, instead , his utilities and food bill would ) if there's another person living there.
Basically, he wants to become your landlord; and although asking you a rent is reasonable, although not generous, he could fix the rent at an amount which does not necessarily have to match half of his mortgage, mortgage which , again, you have nothing to do with , remains his own responsibility and costs the same, not more, whether he lives alone or with other people.
Probably his idea of cohabitating is more motivated by his personal convenience, and wish to pay less mortgage, than by a desire to share domestic bliss with you. That's why he is not being flexible and is not trying to meet you half way - which, again, technically he does not have to do , not being other than a generic boyfriend ( not your husband, or the father of your kids ) but which, I think ,he would do if he were really keen on living together.
He asked- but you are not obliged to answer yes. I would not go; it's simple, you cannot afford it. Breaking your back financially "for love " is not a good idea. I skip directly any thoughts concerning different expectations about gender roles, or different ideas about money management and relational priorities etc., because it would probably turn into along and ineffective debate, since opinions about this differ widely . Let's keep it simple: it's not convenient for you; it would cost you too much at a time when you need to start spending less, rather than more. Therefore, your most logical answer would be : sorry, boyfriend, no can do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (26 April 2018):
 It's a fair arrangement for a platonic room mate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (26 April 2018):
Don't move in with him if money is already a factor. He's technically not wrong in saying he wants things split half and then again, no one is forcing you to move in. Just tell him that you can't afford it. He shouldn't pay more just because he earns more and similarly you shouldn't have to break your back trying to have a lifestyle that you can't afford. Stay put where you are for now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 April 2018):
 If he has a mortgage rather than paying rent carefully consider all ramifications of your moving in.
The first you have already realised, you will be no better off financially.
The second to consider is what happens if you break up, you will be as financially stretched as you are now but will need to find cash for a bond and your 4 weeks rent up front, a well as the cost to move and replace any stuff you deemed superfluous when you moved into his house. These are all major outlays.
What will be the Financial outcomes for him if you split up? Obviously nothing much will change apart from the fact he has only had to pay half his mortgage for the time you lived there, add that to the fact he already has an income more than double yours, oh boy! it certainly looks good on paper .... for him.
And thirdly, was there any discussion about the household chores, was he going to split those 50/50 as well or is he planning to leave it all to the little woman.
Your life is not going to be improved by the move, in fact you will, for the reasons above, be less secure. I advise you to stay right where you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 April 2018):
His money isn't yours.
If you don't like the 50/50 arrangement DO NOT move in with him.
While I TOTALLY get where you are coming from, it isn't his job to take care of you financially. AT all. He is your BF, not your husband.
If it's going to COST you more living with him, then don't do it. Moving in together should be a way for BOTH of you to save some money on the "daily costs". You shouldn't move in to make HIM save more money if you DO NOT.
Make a budget, show him what you can afford. He can then either take it or leave it.
He wants you to pull your weight, which is fair, but he also WANTS you to live with him because it's CONVENIENT for him.
The fact that he is so focused on the 50/50 makes me think he isn't seeing it from your point at all. Nor does he wish to.
...............................
|
