A
female
age
36-40,
*1983
writes:My boyfriend, 27, dumped me outside a club at 4am at the weekend. He said although he really liked me, after 5 months dating had realised he did not love me. To begin with though he said ' I was such an idiot earlier... before saying this. He was trying to hug me and talk about it almost like some kind of bonding experience for him. I was shocked and humiliated. Right up to this point he had been proudly introducing me to his friends as his girlfriend, introducing me to his family. I got myself straight in the nearest taxi and shut the door in his face as he continued to tell me how much he valued my friendship. Later, I spoke to him about it. He said he had only realised that night. He said he saw no future - had expected we would grow more connected to me but just hadn't felt that happening. He felt he wasn't 'bowled over' by me. He also said he wanted someone he could 'fall in love with' and then said he didn't feel I shared enough of his shared interests despite us happily sharing them for 5 months and him waiting to remain friends so we could continue to hang out.. I suspect this is because somehow don't match some fantasy girl he has in his head. I tried pointing out that this major relationship ended a month before we started going out, and even then there was a fling between this for him, so perhaps he needed time before he would fall head over heels with anyone. Also, that maybe this just meant we had successfully moved on from initial attraction and now he was missing something and ready to cultivate a bit more solid relationship so the connection grows? I never pushed him or talked about 'the future'. I had literally no idea this was even on his radar! This is a guy who had a big break up relatively recently(2 years living with a girl who looked and had a personality very similar to mine), moved back home with his mother for the first time since he was 17, and is looking to move into a house share with his friends most of whom dj at clubs. I thought this would quite likely be a slow burner but we got on great and lots of chemistry so I went on with it anyways. He initiated meeting up, even chasing, and we saw each other a lot, our sex life was great and there was no change in his interest in either this or seeing me when he dumped me out the blue. There were some other changes though: he changed his facial hair, stopped smoking two days before it and also he stopped being so interested in going out partying with me - He said this was because he wanted to spend time, just us and I took this as a good sign that he was settling into the relationship. I am at an age where I am surrounded by babies and weddings. He would have liked to carry on in a 'no strings' way hanging out and sex but realised this was not going to work and also disrespectful to me. He said I was better off without him. My question is - what do you think is going on? It is just so sad... I feel it has been cut short, I feel like I have in fact, been on rehearsal by him when all the time I was falling for him, admittedly in my own gentle way. I hadn't had a relationship where I felt like that for years. I had total trust in him.
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female
reader, Red591  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 I had this done to me recently and he displayed EVERY sign of being into me and thinking I was the most beautiful girl in the world. Then he said that he didn't see it going anywhere out of the blue on the phone. He had made future plans with me the last time I saw him to go hiking. His words were he just didn't feel that crazy obsessive love. It sucks because it seemed like he led me to believe that it was going amazingly well, but I guess it wasn't. I rattle my brain to think what I could have done to wow him (I sure wowed him in the bedroom but we all know that doesn't secure anyone lol) There are several options when someone says this out of the blue:1- they are being honest and can't help that they don't feel it for you2-they are lying and don't want to say the real reason3-they met someone else or an ex came back into the picture and so they want you out of the picture.whatever the reason is, we will never know. I think if there is a spark, then it is something to persue. Expecting to be madly in love right off the bat is funny because most relationships that start that way fizzle out. Real love is built over time. At least he did not waste any more of your time. There are women who are told this same thing after spending 2 years or more with someone. Now THAT would be devastating!
A
female
reader, M1983 +, writes (3 February 2013):
M1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice - it has been really helpful to get an outside perspective on this. I have cut contact with him. It is really sad but ultimately you are right I am best serving myself by moving on now and concentrating on being around existing friends whilst I look for someone perhaps with more shared ground form the start..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2013):
 He's 27, not a baby... he realized you are not "his one" and he felt it was time to cut his losses and end it.. clearly he's ready to find someone to settle down with... and sadly it's not you.
he picked a bad time and a bad place to do it... but he did it....
you had every right to trust him..he's done nothing un-trustworthy.
it sucks.
but NO CONTACT is the best way to heal.
no need to be friends.
if you run into him be friendly and civil...
do not be hurt or surprised if he meets someone soon and marries her after a brief (under 2 year) courtship. I see this happen a lot.
Also from my own personal experience.. EVERY man I know who has gotten very serious with me knew within 3-6 months that we would be that way....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): You are doing yourself a diservice by even considering a FWB or just friendship. You need to heal and move on.
Why prolong your suffering and he has told you where he stands, dont carry on something thinking it just might happen. Also he will not respect you as he will know you are desperate. Things that are rare and precsious is appreciated. So make yourself scarce.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2013):
The only thing I can tell you is that not everyone is compatible with everyone else. Some people are willing to tolerate less compatibility than others.
Some people you can weed out right away. Others take a few weeks or months. Some people you only find out after a few years that they're just not right for you.
Just be thankful that he came to this realization sooner than later.
Get over him by blocking his number. That way you can lessen the "is he going to call?" anxiety that you may be feeling so you can move on.
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