A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a really good relationship with my boyfriend, we are both in our 40s. My problem is that he drinks so much. What can be classed as alcoholism? He drinks wine and beer most days of the week, then friday nights gets paraletic, and drinks again saturday and sunday sometimes to excess. Is that an alcolohic? I would think so. I would appreciate other people's views on this. He thinks it is normal. Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Cateyes  + ♥, writes (19 May 2007):
 I wish their was something I could do to take your pain away, however, we all know that is something we each must go through...I am so sorry!!! I will say this, I understand why you feel the way you do, but, I am a firm believer...EVEN at my age, that the RIGHT one will come along....THE REAL RIGHT ONE! I'm not saying you didn't love him, nor that you will not always love him...there is always that "one" we still hold close in our heart, but there will be another...and HE will be the one that will have THE something that this one did not have. And that something, WILL be the something that you will have been seeking and never even knew it. Call me strange, but there is someone for everyone...maybe it is because I believe in GOD and that I have faith he will have me meet the right man WHEN it's time (GOD's time - not mine) and when the wrong one come's along (which is the test from GOD) I have to know to say no to him and not waste my time which could be years with him when the right one could have come along during that time frame. And believe me, I have screwed up alot!!!! I am not some "holy" roller either by the way, but I do believe it's all about the choices WE make when something is brought to us. That is what makes our life on this earth and with whom we make it with....the choice. Never say never...and you will love again....YOU WILL!!! And you WILL be a very happy woman! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are really kind cayteves? When I was younger and picked stupid men, I can look back and think jesus thank god that never worked out. But this relationship was the best most intense happiest ive ever known in my life. I dont think I will ever get over this one, as he was my soul mate. He wasn't a rolling around drunk, it was the drinking and driving that worried me. I honestly think too that his memory/decisions/judgements etc were all being affected by too much drinking. He could never find his keys/wallet etc. I never minded this as I loved him so much, but now its over and I am devastated. I will get over it in time. But I mean I will never fall in love again. Its taken me almost my whole life to love like that. That doesnt come round very often. At our age it was a miracle. He is a fool.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes + ♥, writes (18 May 2007):
Always know I am here for you when you want to talk or "scream"....I really am sorry for all the pain you are in, but in the long run, you will look back at this and be one very happy woman. I know you don't see that now, but you will. Time will heal all wounds!
Just take one day at a time!!! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe dont live together, we have only been together for 10 months,(best happiest time ive ever had) you would never think him an alcoholic, i just know. he is a lovely bloke. It is over now, I am really hurt. We have never even had a single disagreement. Not one row. its just that i worry over the drink/driving and know that if i dont stop this now, i could be in a serious accident. he drinks and drives and i dont want to be party to it.Ive got children to think about. Thanks for your help. Breaking up is really painful isnt it. I dont there is a pain like it on earth
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A
female
reader, Cateyes + ♥, writes (17 May 2007):
So many alcoholics are brilliant at their jobs and then there are those (like I had) who are not. It just depends on the person as an individual and how they themselves want to represent themselves in the work force and with their spouses or family members. It's very hard to answer your question being that I am not watching your home to see what goes on inside of it, but, if I had to say, it would probably be because their is some form of arguing going on and he knows that his drinking is something your not willing to put up with any longer, and probably because he does have a good job he is willing to sacrifice you because his drinking is much more important...AND always will be. It's like saying it's his new girlfriend. Where as with me, mine could have cared less and called in sick to work all the time (I made more money then he and he couldn't handle the bills on his own) and would cling to me and not want me to leave or promise me a million times it will never happen again and I always fell for it...I have learned so much about that...it very rarely happens until they hit a rock bottom and we will never know exactly what that will be in their life or if they even ever do. And a divorce does not mean that they will straighten up, that happens to some, but I wouldn't hold my breath on it! I really will hope that you will focus on this as a new beginning or chapter in your life, and one that will be so much better for you in enjoying it. Also, one that you will learn to hopefully, not fall for the same "type" of man. I know easier said then done, but, once you see the "sign"....RUN!!!...and as fast as you can! (smile) Right now, just handle the things you need to, deal with your breakup as BEST as you can and do not let it show towards him. You will make it through this.
Even though I know this is hard, start each day with a smile on your face and just be happy!
Take Care!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help, it really is nice to know someone takes the time and effort to write. I think it must be the alcohol making him forget everything he said/did/ etc, but he is so brilliant at his job. how come they are good at that but cant sustain a relationship. How can a man go from being blissfully happy one day, then its all over the next, no explanation. Is this because of alcohol?
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A
female
reader, Cateyes + ♥, writes (16 May 2007):
No one ever likes to hear someone has broken up, even if it is the best thing for them. I know you are hurting and I know that you love him dearly...truly I do, and I know being that you have been married before it will just take time to heal your pain. HOWEVER, know that you will no longer be a doormat, no longer worry for things that you should not have to worry about, not have to pick up where he slacked off, and also not have to make any excuses for him. He is on his own as you will be to. Again, I would like to ask that you please see an Alanon meeting in your area. Please understand that alcoholics do affect the wives, the children and family members in so many ways....and sometimes we just don't realize that they do because we tend to think it's just "their fault" for being an alcoholic and "they" caused all the problems. You need to focus on yourself and see that you to will have some areas that will need to "fix" on yourself...but know it's all for the good. I used to think everyone who picked up a drink had a problem, I used to worry so much about things that I shouldn't have had to because I used to worry about him so much, I always felt overwhelmed with everything...and these are just MINOR things!!! Always know I am hear for you and if you would like to add me as your friend, please feel free and I will "talk" to you anytime you need to talk....I am always here. Things WILL get better!!!
God Bless and know you are in my thoughts!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have just broken up. I am totally heartbroken. He has admitted he has a problem with drink. I could not become a doormat, so have agreed to the break. But the pain. I love him so much.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes + ♥, writes (15 May 2007):
Being that you said you were once married to an alcoholic, I can see getting involved with another was quite easy. And I don't mean that in a bad way either. It's just that sometimes "we" just don't learn...it's not healthy and nor can the relationship be either. It causes such a strain to us...mentally and phsically to our bodies. We begin to take care of them and forget about ourselves. When, we should be taking care of ourselves...and they need to suffer the consequences if they screw up, no matter what it is!!! I would like to add that just because he may not do any physcical harm now, that they may not be the case later. If you can go to an Alanon meeting to help with YOU, please find one in your area. AND I do understand about loving him, but, you have to ask yourself, can I really live like this for the rest of my life..and do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? He needs to be more responsible and if YOU let him get away with it, you are only feeding into his alcoholic self, but you should know this already. I do wish you well and will say my prayers for you and your family. God Bless and know we are always here to listen.....Take Care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers, you are all right. I know he is an alcoholic really because I was married to one many years ago and I know the symptoms. The only thing I can say is that he is not violent. Though he can sometimes be a bit nasty after a drink. He thinks because he drinks pints of water throughout the night, he is ok. He gets terrible acid and thinks pills will see him through. His memory is terrible, he cant remember a thing I tell him. It is very hard to walk away from someone when you love them. He is a lovely man. He would never consider de tox because he doesnt see a problem. I am going to have to wean myself off him before I end up being his nurse.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes + ♥, writes (1 April 2007):
HE thinks it's normal because he is in denial. I was once married to an alcoholic for 5yrs and it is very rough. You cannot push him, you can suggest he seek help. He will only hate you. As much as I hate to say this, if he doesn't want any help, there is no life with someone who will only progress and progress in the drinking and it could even get worse. I was mentally and physically abused later. I did go with him to rehab 3 times, but to know success. It wasn't till we decided to divorce that he finally sought help. He went to AA and he has been sober 11 years. I am proud of him, but we would have never worked...to much hurt and pain. Let him know you know. Do NOT put up with any of his B/S if it comes to that. You have to be strong, be stern when you need to and ALWAYS mean what you say....and I REALLY mean it, it's hard...let me know what happens, I would like to know. Good Luck to you!
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A
female
reader, Silence is Golden +, writes (31 March 2007):
you get diffrent forms of alcoholic. you get binge drinkers, or every day drinkers. But drinking alcohol every day or most days like you discribe and in the amounts is DEFINATELY an alcoholic and he needs help.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (31 March 2007):
 Most alchoholics drink wine or beer. From your description I most definately think he is addicted, and needs intervention and to get himself to rehab. Someone who drinks this much has been doing it for years and years and the disease is a progressive one, meaning it gets much worse over time.
Because of this he needs to be checked into a detox center or he could die from convulsions....he needs medication and professional help to withdraw from alchohol, that is one of the reasons, he can't just "stop", his body needs it to keep going. I am sure there is some sort of aid or insurance that would help pay for this treatment if you check into it....
To die an alchoholic is not a pleasant thing, there are many diseases he can choose from, psorosis of the liver, cancers, luekemia as alchohol is changing him at the cellular level and is killing off bone marrow cells, and other life giving cells and immunities.
Most drug and alchohol counselors would say that you are enabling his drinking by being his girlfriend and putting up with his behavior....the alchoholic can't remain an alchoholic without someone taking care of things for them.
It is not pleasant to be in a relationship with an addicted person, as you are really in it alone, he is not capable of loving you the way most men love, his personality is also disentigrating and he for all practical purposes is mentally ill, as he keeps doing it and has to deny deny deny.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): He is drinking too much alcohol, he's addicted. Get him to alcohol anomonus somehow. Excessive alcohol can cause many life threatening diseases, including cancer. Tell him that. The fact of that should make him cut down.
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