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He doesn't understand why I find this kinda rude. Am I being irrational?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 September 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2017)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and his baby's mom have a seven year old son together. They've been broke up for years. About a year ago she got locked up for running with the wrong crowd and he was unable to get custody at the time due to loosing his place so her parents took the child. He's on his feet now but they haven't signed custody over yet, supposedly because they prefer their school district more. Anyways, when me and him first started talking he admitted that she asked him to consider getting back together after she gets released if he's single. I'm not sure that conversation ever went further or what not but he was working closer to her parents house when we first started dating so he stayed there several nights a week or more. He got his own place again and now spends his days with me but whenever he gets his son he hangs out with them. The exes mother cooks for him, he's on the phone with the exes dad just about daily, though for seemingly good reasons like advice etc. When my boyfriend's mother died a few months ago he locked himself in the bathroom and cried to his exes mother for almost an hour. He talked about going to their house for drink nights and having cook offs with the exes mother. He doesn't understand why I find this kinda rude. Am I being irrational?

View related questions: broke up, his ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo it is not rude, you should be happy that he has them as extended family. They are his son's grandparents and I think it is great that he is close to them. If you cannot handle this then don't get in to a relationship with someone who has a child because these are the sort off things that will happen.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Cindy here.

I don't think he is being rude. The ex-GF's parents are family - his CHILD's family and in that way HIS family. Extended family but still family.

When you date someone with a kid THIS is the kind of situations you can get into.

He has a support system in his ex's parents. And I think he KNOWS they are putting HIS kid's needs first. Making sure the child has a STABLE home, in a good school etc. THEY are all thinking of the child. YOU think of YOU. (not that, that is wrong but you get the picture).

As for talking about getting back together with the ex-GF and mother of his child - not THAT I find rude of him - if he plans to be with you, he should tell her he is no longer single.

Personally? I don't think there is a future for you and this guy. And maybe dating someone with NO kids or less of a bond to his "almost in-laws" is a better option. I think for you to expect to drop them for you is unreasonable. As he has to consider what is best for his child AND himself.

My paternal grandparents got married and divorced very young with 2 small kids. My grandfather remarried (2 more times) and by the time my brother and I was born (so 20 years later) all 3!! ex-wives and their relatives were part of the family. I have a HUGE "extended" family and these women had kids and husband's after my grandfather and they became "family". That is just how my family is. I think my both my dad and uncle this extended family was good as neither of my grandparents was that interested in raising them.

I don't think this guy is a good match for you and I can easily see him getting back with the ex-GF.

Sorry. If I were you I'd date someone with less baggage and no kids.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 September 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt His ex's mother is also his child's grandmother, not to mention the person who stepped in and took care of the child in his place when the kid's mother got locked away. He may have had his good reasons to not be " on his feet " then , nevertheless he still owes this people big time. It is actually an excellent thing that he and the kid's grandparents get along , that there have not been power struggles over co-parenting, and that in time they have developped mutual trust , closeness and respect. That surely works in the best interest of the child, and , although is understandable that at times it may make you feel insecure or left out, it has nothing to do with being rude, and it is a battle that I would not advise you to fight, because it would be a lost battle ; if this situation works fine for the child, and actually contributes to a better, closer father/ child bond, - that is what comes first than any girlfriend.

I can imagine that you did not like the idea of the mother asking to reconnect once she comes out, but that surely is not the grandparents' fault, is it ? Your bf is either still interested in his ex or he is not, and either he's the type that, given the chance, would happily cheat on you, or he's not. That, regardless of how much or how little he is close , geographically and emotionally, to his ex's parents.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntNot irrational necessarily, but possibly unrealistic and unreasonable.

Your boyfriend comes as a package deal with his son. He will always be his father. His ex's parents took in their grandson when neither of his parents were in a position to look after him. They are obviously very special people and your boyfriend is obviously very close to them. They are his family. This is unlikely to change.

Can you get involved in activities at their home? Then you would not feel pushed out as you do at the moment. Or maybe suggest days out with his son so that you can get to know him and share time with him and his dad?

Bottom line is, he will do what he believes to be best for his son. His son will always be his priority, and that is how it should be. If this is not something you can handle (some can't so be honest), then perhaps this relationship is not for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):

Yes, please do not think about yourself. He finds comfort in them he's not talking to her. Would you rather him talk to her parents or her? He has to communicate somehow he wants to be in his son's life and there's nothing wrong with them being his pretend parents; they are family. It is actually quite common and they will be in his life for a very long time.

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