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He doesn't reply to my text messages fast enough and I think I should dump him! What do you think?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 June 2007) 25 Answers - (Newest, 15 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i have been dating a bloke for around a month now, he is ok with me a part from the fact that he has done all the initiating, ie texting me and asking me out, which obviously i dont mind at all but the problem i have is that when he texts me to see how i am, i always reply within say 15 mins (as i cant ignore a person if they text me) but then when i text him back to say that i am ok and ask how he is then he will text me back maybe 3 hours later and say that he was busy or sometimes even the next day and say he fell asleep. this is beginning to really get on my nerves now as if someone texts me i reply quite quickly and thats even if im busy. i think maybe he does it to keep me waiting or for attention or something as he will know i am waiting for a reply. if anybody knows how i would go about telling him that this is a problem to me and if it carried on i would rather not continue to see him then please share your views. also like i said i never text him first and because of the way he behaves i wouldnt want to text him first as if he ignored me for hours then i would just get really annoyed, although i wouldnt tell him that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011):

Honestly, You don't need to worry about it, it's not worth breaking up over. My boyfriend is the same and we've been together for a year now. It's what guys are like. Texts and small things like that don't matter as much to them as they do to us. He clearly likes you as he asked you out so you don't need to worry about that. But just mention to him that you'd like it if he replied to you a bit sooner. It's not worth a heart break over. The majority of guys are like that :P hope this helps :)

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A female reader, RAWR007 United Kingdom +, writes (8 March 2011):

My boyfriend is the exact same!

But i dont beat about the bush if something is bothering me i say to him lol as he very well knows, so i have said to him, infact i had a wee aergument with him this morning about it - being a girl! lol and he appoligised and said that he isnt a text person and he doesnt have his phone on him all the times and he is sorry but he isnt like that... but i am a phone person and i always do reply to his texts as i dont want to look rude or something ... guys eh?? why cant u just reply, it isnt hard, or even a text to say im really busy with work .. can i call later instead or i will text you tomorrow?? nahh, they have to ignore your texts then text casually the next day like nothing.. and they wonder why women moan so much!! its like why do u even have a phone... ahhh!

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A female reader, Shrink United States +, writes (1 March 2011):

Okay, you answer your texts right away, which is what most females do. We are great multi taskers and we are all about relationships. Men on the other hand do one thing at a time and sometimes they are a lot more concerned with achievement than relationships. So, dont read more into it than that. On the other hand it is VERY annoying! Telling him is likely to come off as needy. Next time he texts force yourself to wait a good hour or two to answer. Not to get him back - just to feel in control of your own situation. Also, just answer the question. Dont ask one of your own. "My day was pretty good. Hope yours was too!"

See what happens with that.

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A male reader, boatersaremorefun United States +, writes (21 August 2010):

He could be testing you. If you never initiate the conversation, then what does that suggest to him? He may take that as a lack of interest or devotion on your part. I agree too with many others on putting down the cell phone and going for a walk in the park.

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A female reader, keishaoc09 United States +, writes (28 July 2010):

omg girl my boyfriend does the same thing..he is sweet..but it annoys the hell outta me when he doesnt text bak..a matter of fact he is doing it right now..ugh...my only solution is to dont say anything else to him (meaning text him) until he reply back first...or u could insinuate(?) by sayin stuff like...'wow u took a long tyme to reply back' or 'wow thought something happen to u..u ok? Why dnt u reply back'. Chances are he not conscience of what he doing..and that will make him aware of it!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010):

Hello everyone.

Stumbled on this conversation this morning and REALLY wanted to add my 2 cents worth. I am a guy, and will offer a guy's perspective on this because it may help you women.

Firstly, I sympathise with your dilemmas. They are not nice and I hope you all can sort through your communication concerns.

Text messaging is an interesting thing, especially in relationships. It can be a great thing when used properly and in a balanced way. However, it can be frustrating if viewed incorrectly in the context of a relationship, especially for the insecure. It can be a source of reassurance or frustration, provide a sense of connection or disconnection.

Firstly, you need to remember that a relationships work best when not dependent on technology, cel phone included!

The purpose for text messaging is a short message service (SMS) only!

According to UK research presented last July at the International Pragmatics Association conference in the UK, men primarily use messaging as a tool for managing their relationships. That means organising places to meet, where to pick up a date, messaging to saying I am running late etc... It is a practical tool that helps men to arrange REAL TIME with their significant other. In contrast, women often view text as another way to foster emotional interaction. From a male perspective, this is unhealthy.

Males and females minds are different and male-female miscommunication is perpetuated by the way men and women use and rely on text messages. For example, how many of you have for some reason become frustrated that one message included a smile and another a kiss and then neither in the following message. Honestly, you can are looking too much into it. Too many text messages complicate relationships.

Yes, text messaging is fast, cheap and easy. However, i should not replace real communication. Like a burger from a drive-thru window, text offers near-instant gratification. However, it isn't always satisfying — or healthy — in the long run.

Often it is us who needs to change our perspective on how we view messages. If you are waiting for messages all day, even if you really care about the person and he you, you need to develop some healthy thinking strategies to keep yourself occupied and disconnect from the phone. Adjusting your perspective is sometimes the answer, and not the person. It would be sad if you loose a good guy/girl because your perspective on cel messages was not balanced.

Pick up the phone and make a call. Send a text to say you like or love him without expecting anything in return, because you do love or like him. Send a next to arrange a real meeting after work, after class. The fact is... a relationship is not defined by text messages.

These are things guys want you to know about text from their perspective.

- Guys have lives outside their phone, and may not actually be connected all time

- Talking about deep stuff on sms is a recipe for frustration because it can be misinterpreted. If you send something make is short, see and clear with no room for misinterpretation. In that, (I do not necessarily agree here, but it is the reality) guys may not reply quickly or at all, and may show his appreciation for the message in another way. Remember, females are emotional, males are practical.

- Guys will loose interest if you rely on you phone too much because i can be perceived as clingy. It is not the main communication source, just a little bonus to be used sparingly. GUYS PREFER REAL TIME COMMUNICATION

So you know I am not making this up, I am in a long distance relationship, and my gf and I never have issues with cel messages. We discussed our use of technology and understand that we have busy schedules and live. We are happy single people whose lives are enhanced when together. So we balance our time and communication, and a cel phone allows us to stay in contact and keep organised. Our relationship is NOT defined by the messages we send. It is a cute extra only, and an opportunity to be selfless, and send a caring message, even in reply is slow.

If you get NO reply at all, i would be concerned. If you are getting a reply days later, address it with your man/woman to show some effort. Do not expect instant replies and realise that face to face is always the best way.

So put technology back in it's place and don't let it control your relationship. Nothing can replace face to face communication. It is a better way to build intimacy..

Here are some additional articles to read about this subject.

How Text Messaging Can Ruin a Relationship

http://vanessanlove.wordpress.com/2009/03/28/how-text-messaging-can-ruin-a-relationship/

10 Rules for Text Messages in New Relationships

http://socyberty.com/relationships/10-rules-for-text-messages-in-new-relationships/

Text messaging in relationships - do's and don'ts

http://www.examiner.com/sitemaps/x-12874-Colorado-Springs-Sex-and-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m6d30-Dos-and-donts-of-text-messaging-in-relationships

Can love blossom in a text message?

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/techinnovations/2006-01-29-love-texting_x.htm

Relationship Rules: Text Messaging

http://au.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_250/261_relationship-rules-text-messaging.html

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A male reader, Coolguy United Kingdom +, writes (17 March 2010):

I think the best thing is to put off your phone and wait for about 5 hours to see if he has replied. This way you'll focus on other things. As long as your phone is on,then your mind will be focused on when he'll reply to your text.With your phone off, you wont need to worry. When next he texts you, wait a day or two before you reply. I have a friend. She texts me and then i wait about 2-3 days before replying because she does the same. the result is that whenever i first text her, she replies almost immediately. People change when you give them a taste of their own medicine. If he doesnt change, i think you are better off finding someone who thinks of you well enough to reply your text. Personally, if someone is important to me and sends me a text, i cant think or sleep without replying. I've found out that ladies that are into me will go as far as borrowing their friends phone to call or text if they dont have credits on their phone.

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A female reader, JadaJ United States +, writes (4 February 2010):

Darlin i'm havin the same problem like at first we're talkin bout the day an then wen i ask a serious question like "why are you treatin me like this,you no i really like you" it takes him like 3 hrs 2 reply or like most of the time he doesn't even reply.

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A female reader, laces97 United States +, writes (29 December 2009):

dont get all peranoid guys dont like to text that much its better if you see him more in person. the same thing happened to me just tell him what your feeling and everything will turn out ight okay?? he is a guy and he doesnt pay attention like most guys they just can be retarted sometimes but then if you make him feel guilty n tell him how you feel he would start to text you back if he really cared but if you tell him and he continues not to text you back i would give him a week and then tell him he nneds to start caring about what you feel more.

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A female reader, Afroindia United States +, writes (17 September 2009):

Dear "Pork Hock" you wrote: My Mother died painfully of breast cancer when I was 30.

I had a child at 29 and got married at 28. If you want to know what I think,

I think you should take a long hard look at what is important and it isn't whether your

boyfriend replied within a time zone. I would chop off my right arm to have 10 LUCID

moments with my Mum, not a carcass, stinking of puss with no hair. Grow up for fucks sakes!"

Let me start out by saying I'm sorry you lost your mother. I know what it's like to want to give

anything in the world to have her back. I lost my mother to cancer at age 13 yrs. My mother battled cancer on and off for 15 years while continuing to work, raise 4 children and own beautiful homes, all by herself. My father was NEVER in my life and I had to grow up quickly! My oldest brother took most of my inheritance (because he was made executive of my estate) and after being awarded custody of myself, have lived on my own since the age of 16 yrs. I had my first (and last) child at 39 yrs old. I was reproductively challenged but through a God and the doctors, I was able to conceive. I had a loving husband (so I thought) who turned in to an abusive drunk WHILE I was pregnant and after the baby was born. I now have a restraining order on him, he's living in another state per the courts request, and isn't helping me with a f-in dime to take care of my daughter! The economy is crap right now yet I manage to take care of my 14 month old daughter alone, in a 1 bedroom apartment with a car note and other bills as well.

HOWEVER, none of this has anything to do with what this young lady is feeling! So, you grow the fuck up! Your sad story doesn't have anything to do with the subject matter, who the fuck are you? God? Don't think so! People are entitled to feel whatever the fuck they feel, so allow that or don't read her message! It's like someone telling you their homeless and you tell them to suck it up because your mom died and you were able to deal with it! WHAT THE FUCK? Has nothing to do with them so shut the fuck up!

Deal with that! And yes, I am forty fucking one years old and what does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Exactly NOTHING! Get the point? DAMN!

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A female reader, Peri Canada +, writes (9 December 2008):

Okay, If people are calling you immature then its not true. They probably dont understand that these things are felt by girls. My bf (we are in a casual relationship though) so hes not exactly my Bf does the same. He messages me asking things like "Hun How did your day go?" or "How was your exam" and stuff and when I reply in like 20-25mins, he takes AGES to write back. I dont ALWAYS expect a reply but there are times like when he asks "How was your exam?" and I reply saying "It went really bad and I am so low" he still wont reply for like 10 hours. It really hurt before and still does sometimes but we as girls are afraid to speak out because we dont want to sound too "clingy" so the best thing I have realised is if he messages you once at like say at like 5pm, wait for 20-30mins, reply back and if after that he dosent reply or takes a LOT of time. Let it be, dont bother or talk to him about it, BUT HERE IS THE THING, THe next time he does the same thing... Take another 4 hours yourself to reply so that he understands you notice these things. You might keep getting hurt but atleast you will make him realise that "you are not shit" either!

Just remember one thing, the more you run after a guy, the more easy he takes it. Try being strong and doing your own stuff, even if it is sitting and watching a movie alone half the day!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008):

Similar kinda problem here!!! I'm "happy" -or unhappy- to say that you're not alone in this, and "happy" -or again, rather unhappy- that I'm not alone in this. I was raging on am I really insecure or just plain stupid to worry bout things like that. I would want not to be bothered bout him taking the time to text me back, cuz sometimes he calls and texts me alot lot. But after few sleepless nights I figured I should do something about this. I'm not a full-frontal person who likes to go on bout her emotions (I'm like a guy in that)so I figured I'd just not text or call him in a while (playing games: I must be a girl after all..;) ). Please someone tell me would this be really childish??? But isn't that pretty much the only way to find out if he's into me really -if he starts replying me faster he's into me, and if not, well, am I just pastime for him??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008):

I can understand how you feel. I have had a similar incident happen to me. I think you should just accept the fact that some guys just are not as reliable about replying to text messages as some girls are.It's probably just a guy thing (well some guys anyway). I'm also like you, I also reply to text messages quite promptly, and don't believe in ignoring text messages, I understand how hurtful it can be. However, there was a time where i accidently gave my phone number to a customer at work and he started texting me a bit too much, and i felt uncomfortable with this and so i stopped replying. But anyway, I think dumping him might be a bit extreme. First of all, i think you should talk to him about your concerns, and if he really is serious about the relationship he will listen to you, and try better to respond to ur text messages more promptly. I think u should be happy your getting a reply at all, because there have been times when I got absolutely no reply, and I got so hurt, I cried. But enough of me, this is about you. Hope I've helped you out. Wish you all the best.

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A female reader, blast United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2008):

hiya..i totally understand what you mean and how you feel .. basically you feel that if the guy was totally in love with you he wouldn't be able to think of anything else. To the person who's mum died of breast cancer I appreciate how you feel as my dad died when i was 23 but there is really no need to go calling someone immature because they are feeling hurt by someone. Of course my dads death is more important than some stupid man but that doesnt stop it hurting all the more when I feel rejected. back to the texting question, I would say that the man you are dating does like you but is clearly one of those annoying guys who once they realise you like them starts to take it easy. He is probaby a twat but us girls tend to like twats. It is very annoying to have to treat men like children but sometimes I think its for teh best . I would stop answering his texts at all and wait til he calls you are asks you why you didn't answer and at that point tell him its because you don't like how he doesnt reply straight away...keep light hearted though ...dont get all serious with him.. .. or alternatively when he texts you , reply but dont reply witha question so then he doesnt need to answer. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008):

40 years ago we didn't have mobiles so no texting. 40 years ago people didn't have phones at home because they were too expensive. But people still managed to maintain relationships and get married.40 years ago, we didn't have fast foods and had to prepare our meals. What I am trying to get across is that society in general wants instant gratification, we want it all and we want it now. Lets slow down a bit, I think it would do us a power of good for our relationships and our own emotional well being. So because someone doesn't reply to your text within 3 hours you're prepared to write him off? Our grandparents would probably sigh in disbelief. I was guilty of exactly the same thing I texted and wanted a reply straight away.... let's just slow down, as they say Rome was not built in a day.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

Hi there friend.

I understand what you mean as i am the same as you but i have to be honest me ex got annoyed with me for wanting replies straight away and as she told me"she can't always reply immediately" The other thing i noticed is that sometimes she did reply pretty quick but with the networks sometimes they take longer coming through. try and see what time it says on his reply. you may even find he did reply quickly but it just took longer to get to you. Not all the time i know but maybe some of the times.i would just ask him that if he is busy just to send a secret code to you or something so that youknow he is busy. i wouldnt end a relationship just on texts. Good luck.

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A female reader, Jendorset United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2007):

I do understand how this can be annoying sometimes, my boyfriend and my males friends often text me, then when i reply...i never get an answer. But i sometimes dont have my phone on me when i get a text, so i can understand that he may be busy or have a perfectly good reason for not replying straight away. Perhaps you just shouldnt text each other...wait untill your together to talk.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

I think it's a man thing. Most of them are not very good at talking at the best of times, so texting isn't one of their strong points either. At least you're getting a reply even if it is 3 hours later. I would be concerned if he stopped texting all together,but this is not the case here either. My ex was exactly the same, it drove me mad in the beginning and I asked him why? He said he didn't think it was that important as it was only a text. I think we look too much in to texts us ladies, I used to text 4/5 times and I would normally only get 1 in return. Also is he on pay as you go? maybe he's watching his pennies as well, so one text would seem enough for him, even though you'd really like to receive a 100 a day. :) Just chill out, he's interested, so why worry so much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

Well just maybe he is telling the truth. You are being very demanding and insecure. It is his right to text you when he has time. Maybe, just maybe he WAS asleep. Maybe he is not a slave to his mobile phone. What if I told you that the speed that he responds to your texts says nothing whatsoever about the way he feels about you? Well it does not.

What you will most certainly do is put him off if he sees this clingy behaviour go on. You should not be sitting there, timing his responses as though you had no life of your own. My partner oten does not reply for hours during the day, but we LOVe and trust each other so much. The conclusion that you have reached is way off beam - chill out, he will always respond when he can, the timing says nothing at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

hi i am the person who wrote the post and to the 2 people that have called me immature then i think you have got me very wrong. i find myself quite mature actually. as i see it, if a person texts you to start a conversation and you replied with your answer and then they just ignored you back then why the hell did they bother to text you if they are just going to ignore your response. and also the person concerned usually texts me around 1 or 2 in the morning. maybe they have been busy all day but like i said i dont see that anyone could be to busy to send a text. i havent come across a person like this before and the reason i dont text him is because im not prepared to wait hours or a day for him to respond with a simple answer. the only problem that i have is i dont know how to assert myself to tell him that i dont like this.

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A male reader, Dr. Reality Check United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2007):

Dr. Reality Check agony auntOh my God, what are you, like 13 disguising yourself as a 30 year old. Perhaps you should read what you have written. Are you really whining because he doesnt text you fast enough?!?! Bloody hell!

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A female reader, Variety United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2007):

Variety agony auntGet a grip. Some people reply quickly to texts, others take more time. It is not a big deal. If it was important then you would be communicating with him in a medium more personal then a text. Call him if you want a flipping instant response.

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A female reader, Pork Hock Canada +, writes (14 June 2007):

Ok so you are between the ages of 30-35...grow up! You told him you wouldn't respond etc...I actually got bored of reading your message. I actually checked your age as I thought you were 15.

My Mother died painfully of breast cancer when I was 30. I had a child at 29 and got married at 28. If you want to know what I think, I think you should take a long hard look at what is important and it isn't whether your boyfriend replied within a time zone. I would chop off my right arm to have 10 LUCID moments with my Mum, not a carcass, stinking of puss with no hair. Grow up for fucks sakes!

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2007):

flower girl agony auntHe obviously likes you as he is doing the chasing even though you are already dating, i know it's against what you normally do but like i say to many people in this sort of situation play them at their own game and see how they like it maybe when they have been ignored for a few hours they will realise how annoying it can be.

Take care.xx.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

Call me old fashioned but for me texting can't replace the voice of the other person on the other end of the line. Give him a call - he shouldn't ignore you then but if he does then you probably need to think about where your relationship is going.

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