A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:why does he dislike my son? My partner and i have known each other for 11yrs, when we first met my son from a previous relationship was only 18mts. This guy and i dated for roughly a yr when suddenly he ended it saying he couldnt be a father to my son. I had never suggested that i wanted him to as my son saw his own father. We parted and i met someone else, this relationship ended after 3 yrs and my ex suddenly appeared again. We started to be involved again and he had said that when he broke up with me he had used my son as an excuse. Confused, anyway we went on to have 2 of our own, he got on ok with my son but recently things started to change, my son is now 13 and isnt a bad child, can be lazy and a little rude sometimes but he and my partner dont get on. He recently said some very hurtful things to my son and since then they have not spoke. He never invites my son out with us or on family accasions and treats him as though he doesnt exsists. I have told my partner how i feel but yet he makes no effort. does he resent him because he is another mans?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 He is resentful that his time and resources are being spent on a child who is not his own, will not carry on his name, will not think of him as father, and will not pass on his DNA. All living things are programmed to see that their DNA is passed on to the next generation - men are no different.
For men, the best two strategies for passing on DNA is: A) have lots and lots of bastards by different mothers, or B) invest all of one's time and resources into one's own children.
His animal instincts will always subtly resent the kid. Certainly, people can control it - there are plenty of good adoptive parents out there - but the instinct is there. Ignoring the kid is not the best you could hope for, but it's better than abuse.
True, since he knew that the kid would be part of the relationship when he signed on, he needs to honor that committment and try to be a good father. However, it's your responsibility to carry the bulk of that job - it's at least partly your fault the original father is not around anymore (or that you conceived a child with a father who would not be around). You need to stand up for all of your children. Be understanding, but firm, and let your man know that if you will control your oldest son's behavior, the father has to control his own.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 July 2010):
 I think you need to sit your partner down and explain that the KIDS are ALL your kids and that HE needs to treat them equally well.
If you husband doesn't "invite" your son along why don't YOU do it?
STAND up for your son.
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