A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy several months ago, when we were taking an evening class together. I was too shy to talk to anyone for a while, but then one day he and I found we took the same route home after class. We got talking. I mentioned I'd just had my 25th birthday, and asked him how old he was.He said he wasn't actually sure, as he was adopted, but his documents say 24 so "about that".I didn't think anything more of it. We got on really well. We saw each other a few more times after class and started messaging and flirting a lot. We went out together a couple of times. We told each other lots about our lives, particularly our childhoods (both of which were pretty difficult). We ended up sleeping together once. Then I was going on holiday so we didn't get to meet in person for a few weeks. During this time I missed him, but I also started feeling we weren't quite suited romantically. Our personalities are very different, even though we have a great time as friends. However, he was keen for us to try a relationship.I just got back and saw him again. I said we have a connection, but we'll both meet many people in our lives we have connections with - it doesn't mean we should be with them all. I mentioned something about how young we are, and he said "Well, I'm not quite as young as you. I'm probably around thirty."Turns out the estimate on his documents is probably way out. He says he didn't feel like he could explain it all when he first spoke to me (it's a long story, so I can understand that). But then he just didn't think to go back to the subject again, despite everything else we've talked about.I know there's not a huge age difference between us really, and he's still the same person he always was, but I feel so confused. I can't act so naturally with him now. I've always been more comfortable with people younger than me. I don't really have any friends more than a year or two older and I'm often very uncomfortable and nervous around older guys, mainly because of past abuse. I don't fully trust men, but because I don't feel like an adult myself, anyone around my age is not a "real" grown-up to my mind.So now I know I slept with a 30-ish year old without realising, and it just feels strange and wrong for me. I'd never slept with someone older before and I wasn't planning to.He accepts that I don't want a relationship but would like to keep hanging out as friends. I was all for that, but now something just feels off. Am I completely overreacting? I feel a bit of a fool, but this has really thrown me!
View related questions:
flirt, on holiday, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): Okay ageist is probably the wrong description, however you did link the age difference to your past trauma, which is understandable and I get why but it doesn't mean he is in any way in that category.
If you feel it isn't right despite being attracted then put the brakes on, advice given is just from a different perspective of what might be going on for him.
When he says these things do you not question him? Like him saying he is 'kind of' a doctor, is it possible he started training to be one but didn't complete? Just because someone is not working in said profession it doesn't mean they haven't trained. If you outright feel he lies then advice given he is not right is correct.
But my boyfriend tried to impress me at the start and didn't make stuff up as such but embellished a bit, I don't see him as a bad person, been with him 18 months and I do trust him. He had lost his job when I met him, low self esteem and he liked me, so I know there were reasons.
Best of luck whatever you choose to do
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 October 2018):
 I have to agree that it would be a big deal for me also, why would he lie in the first place about it? Some people wouldn’t want to date or sleep with a guy in their 30s when they’re mid 20s, it’s definitely not being ageist, it’s your personal preference not to do that.
My guess is he wasn’t being honest as he didn’t think you’d be interested in him if he told you his real age, why else would he hide it? I can’t think of another logical reason why he would do. Then of course it begs the question what else is he lying about? I’d be letting this communication die out if I were in your shoes. I don’t think it would of been an issue of any kind if he just brought it up at the time but your updates make me seem like he has more things to hide if he’s not being totally upfront about them or forthcoming with information when you ask.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 October 2018):
 Listen to your head, OP
And I don't think you are "ageist" either. You have been burned in the past and thus wary of guy who are older than you. While you can't paint ALL older guys with the same brush, you have to go with what YOU feel safe about.
Seems like he is a guy who lies a lot. Maybe it's because HE doesn't like HIS version of himself either, however.. that doesn't justify or help by lying.
I really wouldn't spell this out for him, I would just slowly disengage the friendship. Be busy with other things.
And OP, just because you are attracted to him and feel a connection doesn't mean HE is good for you and you for him.
Dating someone who is a habitual liar - who lies about generally unimportant AND important things, they don't stop lying because you catch them at it. It's a defense mechanism, a habit if you will. Which means the more time you spend with him, the more lies would be coming your way.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): OP again. Thank you for your opinions, I wasn't trying to get an echo chamber here. I genuinely wanted perspectives on this.I don't agree that I'm ageist, just scared. I'm not trying to discriminate, just figure out this uncomfortable feeling. I haven't told him any of this - I wanted to get a handle on my emotions before discussing it with him.I had always had a feeling he wasn't being truthful with me, but that makes more sense now. He told me he studied at university for 6 years and finished 2 years ago, but that made no sense to me if he was 24. So I thought he was exaggerating. He can be very vague. For example, he told me he is "kind of a doctor" but didn't elaborate at all. He works an unskilled job like I do, so I figured maybe he was embellishing the facts a little.Last thing, you said it doesn't sound like I'm even interested in him, but that's another problem. I'm very very attracted to him, I just feel like we might not be good for each other. We both have too many issues and he has no family...and I don't feel emotionally secure enough to be everything for someone. But the connection is there. My heart and head are saying two different things. My head is extremely skeptical.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): I disagree with trusting your gut, it simply isn't always right, google is it good to trust your gut feeling always and look at reasons why it isn't always. Maybe he is vague and confused because he is just that, if he was moved around from pillar to post and his past is bad memories and upheaval maybe he doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know all the details. You may very well be picking up on these vibes so it leaves you with a bad feeling.I agree with Wiseowl, his age is irrelevant and sorry but it seems you are simply linking him to your past in a lot of ways and almost tarnishing him with the same brush.So you have decided he is not the one for you, so move on and next time take it slowly and not so much trusting your 'gut' but spend plenty of time with someone, get to know them well so that you have built up trust. I disagree it makes him a rat bag regarding his age, he could have just been unsure, he may have just been trying to impress you but it was hardly crime of the century, it is just you tie it to bad stuff in your past. Just move on though, each experience is a learning curve in life. I hope you find happiness and peace in yourself x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): I really don't see such a big deal here. You said he wasn't sure of his age, and you don't seem all that sure you're even that interested in the guy. So what's the problem?
Thirty isn't even close to 50 or 60! You're not 20! If he hit you up there in the range of 50, I can see you might be a little grossed-out!
Older?!! Seriously?!!
You're coming across as ageist, and it doesn't make very much sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): OP here. Aunty BimBim, he was born in Asia, abandoned, moved around children's homes, adopted within Asia, and taken to different countries. I do believe that he doesn't know exactly how old he is, but I just wish he had mentioned it before things got so far with us.
I know my distrust of men is irrational but it stems all the way from childhood and I just prefer to feel comfortable... and now I'm simply not quite comfortable with him any more. I'm not going to avoid him but I don't think we'll be hanging out often.
Thanks for your advice. I feel more sure about this hunch now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 October 2018):
 You know we have a gut instinct for good reason, right? It is there to protect us, to tell us when something is not quite "right".
You need to learn to listen to yours and do what you feel is best for YOU. Never mind what HE wants. You already suspect the age thing is probably a lie/fabrication of some sort. It appears he is whatever age he thinks will get him the advantage. What else is he prepared to lie about?
If something feels "off", then it IS "off" as far as you are concerned. I doubt a friendship is going to work between you two because he really wants more and sounds like he is prepared to try to manipulate you into agreeing to more. Don't let him use you in that way. You sound like a mature young lady with her head screwed on right. Don't let him make you think otherwise.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 October 2018):
 A five year gap isn't all that huge, so stop beating yourself up for having sex with an older guy …. forgive yourself.
His lying though, that's a whole different kettle of fish … you don't mention it but, unless he was born somewhere other than the UK where there was some sort of catastrophic upheaval happening, either political or natural disaster, there is no way he can be vague about his age … over the past decades so much data has been collected on us the Govt even knows when we stub our toe, I think he is stringing you a line of BS and your instincts, also called gut feelings, have kicked in.
The reason why he acts so dodgy doesn't matter, he lies about things and that's all you need to know.
Listen to your gut, and don't allow him to get to chummy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 October 2018):
Honestly, OP
I don't blame you. Someone who is WILLING to lie (and yes, he did lie the first time he claimed his age was 24 - or about that....) is willing to lie about anything.
He might have sense that if he told you I'm supposedly 30 according to my documents but I'm not sure, that you wouldn't have wanted to get to involved with him. But really... most people would not have thought OMG! 30! that is SOOO old. And he didn't know about your past experience with older abusive men, so there WAS absolutely NO good reason for him to lie. Strange documents or not.
So, My advice is that you LISTEN to your gut. Something feels off because he LIED about something that wasn't (normally) important. His age. What else will he lie about.
It doesn't mean you have to cut him off, but I would not make an effort to make him more than a casual acquaintance.
The fact that you slept with him and him being older that you thought... well, that happens. So don't beat yourself up over that. Maybe next time... Don't sleep with someone you don't want to BE in a relationship with. Not all older guys will be like the abusive men you have known. It's a little over the top to PRESUME that if a guy is older than you he will be abusive.
And DO get tested for STD's. I'm not saying because he might be older he might have STD's, but he is someone you don't KNOW all that well that you slept with.
...............................
|
