A
female
age
41-50,
neenie
writes:Yesterday was my 50th birthday and my boyfriend (whom I've been living with for 8 months) did very little to commemorate it. I will tell you a story as briefly as I can.He told me one night last week that we would go out Saturday night for dinner and to pick out a couple of gifts for me. I told him that dinner would be nice but he didn't need to get me anything because he has gotten me several nice things in the months we've been together and he has been rather strapped for cash lately. Well, this is what actually happened Saturday night.While he was napping Sat. afternoon, I showered and dressed in one of my nicest outfits and did my makeup perfectly. I thought we were going out for a nice birthday dinner. When he woke from his nap, he made some comment about me being ready and then he went and showered and dressed. He came out in old blue jeans and a sweatshirt!!! My heart sank. I said nothing and went and changed into something more casual. I didn't want us to look mismatched.Then we go into the city. We made three stops before we ate. We got Christmas gifts for all three of his kids and then we stopped to balance his checkbook. He had miscalculated and only had $60 left in his account. Instead of the restaurant I had chosen, we ended up at his favorite one because it was cheaper.After all this, when my birthday did roll around, he acted devastated because he couldn't get me anything and I know he was feeling guilty because he was quiet and when I asked him a question about something, he answered and his voice broke like he was about to cry and later said, "This wasn't much of a birthday for you, was it?"He did make me a card (after I asked him to) with some of the most beautiful sentiments on it, I've ever read. I'm so puzzled. Why did he blow off the chance to give me a good time when he had it and then feel so guilty when he couldn't do anything for me?Does anyone have any ideas?Thanks!
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female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (5 December 2007):
 To me it seems he did try to make it a special day... with the available funds.
Very rationally he prioritised the kids, if he thinks as me he'd not exchange anything for seeing that innocent wonderment as they unwrap their presents. As for your dinner, expensive or not he did take you to a restaurant! I'd have tried to expel that feeling of guilt right away. As for the fact you expected a more elegant place, just to [avoid such DEsynchronisations] in the future when preparing for these events or other celebrations, you could discuss them in anticipation, with a month or two before the scheduled time. Or make a pre-emption of the place earlier, preferably according to the budget. I wouldn't think it's worth it to oblige yourselves to debts, having children and family responsibilities at this age, though unavoidably during holidays the expenses will be broadened and usually richly deserved, provided that you do your estimations and have an according plan. All the best.
A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Hi poster
Just a couple of things you metions he said to go out for dinner you got all dolled up he put jeans & t-shirt on (?) then you went out he bought his kids xmas gift knowing it was your b/day the says he cash strapped go to his fav restaruant cause it cheaper then he feels guilty so he bloody should, you also asked him to make you a cards! 50 is a milstone b/d even if he was short of cash he could have bought a card cooked you a meal and made you feel special on that day like he's suppose to do.He is rotten to do that to do as you sound like such a nice lady don't let him mess with you head and I think you are mismatched already.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Some men are absolutely horrible at birthdays, but wonderful at life. My b/f is the perfect example. I am always disappointed by his lack of interest, or effort every year when my b/f rolls around. It's almost like a rebellion or something. Yet, the rest of the time (when the pressure and high expectations are off) he is very thoughtful and generous, sometimes surprising me with wonderful gifts out of the clear blue throughout the year. Also the fact, that your b/f is strapped for cash as of late, could be a determining factor as well. I think women expect a big hoopa-la when it comes to their birthdays and men underestimate the importance of these celebrations. Most men are happy skipping their birthdays altogether, though we rarely allow that to ever happen. Later when the dust settles, you should at least explain your feelings to him so next year, he'll plan better ahead of time. But even at that, he may fail to live up to your expectations. All I can say about that, is if he's good the rest of time, you may have to lower your birthday expectations and just accept that the rest of the year is peppered with wonderful gestures of his love. Good luck.
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