A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, I am in a serious relationship for a year now. 3 years ago in 2009 I broke up with my ex and was very depressed. During that time I even had to see a councillor. And he advised me on what I should have in mind for my next bf. that year, I met this amazing guy friend whom we clicked off well and after some time he confessed to me. But I didnt accept him till a year ago. He is now my current bf.My previous bf was a guy who needed a lot of girl attetntion, always reminding me how many girls like him and things went wrong went I realsed he was secretly messaging him juniors (he would cover his phone when I looked at his phone and I wasnt concerned until after a while with him). And Esp when he told me tt one of them was the prettiest in his cca. I started having trust issues. I felt very unhappy with myself and would worry when he message. Then we brokeup.Now that I am with my current, I have let him know about what I want in a relationship after learning from the previous. And all is good. I never worried. I feel secure. During the period I broke with my ex and was single, I started gaining confidence as well. But awhile ago, the girl he used to have a crush on started attending all the clique's gathering( they were from the same clique but she never attend most of the outings) and would ask him for a meal alone or watch her performances. From what he says in the past, she is the type that would make use of my bf. it didnt help that my bf told me in the past (we are alr together then) that she was prettier than me. and she was in the school pagaent. Before my bf and I were together, he mentioned that he find he girl he likes the prettiest in his eyes. as such, I was really sad and heartbroken. I am affected by this. Her attending the outings made it worse. and my bf would occasionally message his friends which include her to ask about their lives. I feel very uncomfortable. It makes me want to end everything so I have nothing to worry about. and all this has resulted in my low self eestem. I feel that my appearance is normal, i dont feel attractive. what should I do? My bf says he dont really contact her but i feel so uncomfortable when he message her and i really dislike it when she ask for a meal alone and he agrees. MY bf assures that they are just friends and says that I dont trust him. I do, but all this is too much to take.. What should he do? should he stop meeting her alone and not text her?Thank you for reading.,
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Honey, you need to look at the basics.1. He has a crush on her2. He's attracted to her3. He spends time ALONE with herSo he has a crush on her, he thinks that she is hot AND he is spending time alone with her, texting and hanging out with her. If he doesn't like to eat alone, why doesn't he invite other people to eat with him? Why aren't YOU invited when they get together or some other friends? Does he eat alone with any other female as he does with her?You have to understand that if he's attracted to her, if he has a crush on her and they're spending time alone, chances are things will escalate. If she doesn't like him, why does she want to eat out alone with him, or why is she inviting him to her performances? Does she invite any other guy that has a girlfriend out to lunch or dinner? Does she ever invite YOU to come along? Is she inviting YOU to come to the performance with him? Would you think it's OK if you had a crush on some guy right now and you were eating alone with him, texting and hanging out without your boyfriend? People in relationships DON'T and SHOULD NOT spend time lone with their crushes. It's a risk to the relationship as stronger feelings can develop, or the sexual tension will lead to inappropriate sexual relations. You'd have to be very naive if you continue to allow your boyfriend to hang out with his crush. If your boyfriend continues to hang out alone with his crush and you don't put an end to it, or leave him, the chances of you getting screwed at the end of it all are very high.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Dear all, thank you so much on your replies. Let me tell you guys more so that you can uds better.
She would ask him out for meals when he comes to school to look for me. And when he needs to pass stuff with her, he would let her know and she would ask if he wants to meet for lunch. And he agrees. He mentions that normally he don’t let her know that he is in school (yes, irritatingly we are in the same school and she in the same faculty as me). My bf in not studying there. So my bf’s point is that he don’t normally inform her he is in school and him meeting her for lunch is just because he is in school to look for me, not a deliberate action on its own. And he mentioned that he don’t want to eat alone( he can. Just that he would prefer people eating with him).
Also, when I was really sad about him saying she is prettier, he started to change his mindset. He told me that now I am the prettiest in his eyes. But I don’t really believe as I felt that it was himself subconsciously trying to feel that way. I don’t feel good. Because for me, the one I love would always look the best. And not after some issues that changed your thinking. Am I wrong to feel this way? I know there are people who can accept their partner saying other girls are pretty.
And as per what Mandy said, I don’t know if he is doing that cause of her looks. I don’t think so. Is it wrong of me to not want my bf to not text his ex crush and meet her alone? When he say they are just friends? I am so confused. And they are from the same friends group, while I am not. And he told me I have his heart.
PerhapsNot, previously I was dumped. My ex created my trust issues and he told me ‘bush created the problem, but Obama is the one who needs to solve it’ implying that I am the one who should solve my trust issues. And my current bf assures that the girl wont like him and he has no feelings for her. So does “You have two people who are attracted to each other, spending time alone over meals. It's the classic, standard definition of a date, except that your boyfriend is dating YOU” still stand? Does that mean when two people are alone it’s a date? My bf says that during the meal its just normal talking and that after the meal they would say bye alr.
Jamespike, I asked him if he would feel anything if I had a meal with my EX, and he says he is entirely okay with that, provided that I know my own feelings. Because he trust me. So I can never use that to ask him back. Or if I ask other questions, he would say its different because my ex is someone whom I had a relationship with, whom I held hands etc. but for his crush its just a crush, nothing physical. And I would be loss for words.. AM I supposed to feel okay because its just a crush?
My bf used to like her even though she had a bf. My bf was the type that would stay silently with that girl, listening to her, not wanting anything in return.
In addition, that time my bf, that girl and another female friend went to the beach together. 2 girls, 1 guy. And there were quite some pics of him and her alone. And the worst thing is, she was wearing a bikini with a white tank top and she went into the water. Can anyone uds how I would feel? After being in water the white top looks translucent and one can only see the bikini inside. I was horrified, thinking that the girl is TOO MUCH. But I asked my cousin K and K mentions that why should she care what she is wearing. What is that girl trying to do? I believe that she is using my bf, to watch her performances and stuff but now my bf don’t see it. He know that in the past she use him but he don’t think so now.
I wont say my bf is a jerk. He saves up for me to bring to high class restaurants, looking at forums to bring me to nice places and takes note of what I say. He even checks my timetable to surprise me outside the lecture theatre.
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A
male
reader, jamespike  +, writes (23 February 2012):
He is completely out of line. If she spends time with him as a part of his group of friends that's one thing (even then I think you should be there)but it is inappropriate for her to ask him to dinner. If you asked a guy out to dinner alone how would your boyfriend react. How about if it was an ex or someone you admitted to having a crush on? This needs to stop or you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (23 February 2012):
Looks like you're dating the same exact guy that you dumped. They both told you that they know a girl that is much prettier than you and both have inappropriate relationships with women. Your boyfriend is taking this girl on dates while you're standing idly by wondering if this is inappropriate.
You have two people who are attracted to each other, spending time alone over meals. It's the classic, standard definition of a date, except that your boyfriend is dating YOU. He doesn't care though, s he enjoys going out with her. Maybe you need to look back on your counceling sessions and look what you wanted
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 HI
Yes he should stop meeting her and texting her, your his girlfriend, and its you he should be going for meals with, and texting. Im not surprised you feel so low when he seems so shallow about a girls looks rather than whats inside as well as out. If he dosen't stop this I would tell him it's over. You deserve better than that.
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (23 February 2012):
I think you need to let him talk to who ever he wants to talk to. If hes friends with her, why not let them talk. Dont you have guy friends?
As for the lunch dates, i would say to him that it bothers you. and i think any one in a relationship would be mad about that. and raise some trust issues over it. regardless if they are just friends one on one lunch dates are not okay when you are in a relationship. if its with a group of friends that is different and should be okay. He should stop meeting her. and you should say i have trust issues with u and this girl and I want you to stop texting her. IF he says no. you should end it. Im my own opinion he is taking just being friends a lil too far
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A
female
reader, rosycheeks +, writes (23 February 2012):
I think there shouldn't be a problem with your request for him to stop meeting her alone, he could meet with her in a group of friends if it makes you feel that bad.
But you also need to work on your own self esteem and confidence. Its not attractive if he sees you not believing in yourself. Be assertive, be clear about your reason when you ask him. If its fair then he will listen. If you outright demand, he will resent it.
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