A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m married 20 yrs to my 1st love. We have 3 kids (14, 10 and 6). I found out 5 yrs ago my husband was cheating on me for a few years. I confronted him with evidence found in his emails and texts, pics of escorts and hotel records. He confessed that it was all purely physical and promised never to cheat again. I forgave him but kept hurting. Two yrs ago I again found him cheating on me. This time talking to childhood friend for months. He denied having physical relations with this one. It seemed like an emotional affair. I was deeply hurt. Somehow he convinced me this meant nothing to him and that he only loved me and was just helping her deal with her divorce and sicknesses. He cut all contact with her and starting making sincere changes.We have a picture perfect life. All our family and friends look up to us as role models happy couple and he is the main provider. He is a great father to our kids. He does a lot around the house and treats me well. The problem is since last 1 year I noticed some close family friend taking interest in me. Initially I just flirted with him to make my husband jealous but gradually I started liking this friend a lot more than I wanted to. He is married too. After almost 1 year I told him I like him and he said he has always liked me and thought about me over the years but never said anything out of fear. (The) last few months we talked on phone a few times and chatted online but it’s not too frequent. He lives far (away) so we don’t get to see each other more than once or twice a year. We haven’t had any physical contact but recently he told me he wants to meet me alone. He is planning a Visit soon. I’m in big dilemma. Half of me wants to meet him but other half thinks it’s morally wrong and this will only bring shame and trouble to our lives. Also I’ve found out I’m not the only woman he talks to. There are rumours of him having affairs etc. and his wife is kind of aware of all this. I’m very emotional and I don’t know my true feelings for him. I’ve been bitter by my husband’s past but he has changed for good. Still I think an affair will help me judge him less and make it easier to forgive him for all the years he hurt me. But I’m also hurting by this friend of mine as he is more in this for physical needs. I’m trying to find a way out. One day I feel I’ll end this all and the next day I’m waiting to talk to him. Please help!!
View related questions:
affair, divorce, escort, flirt, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (6 November 2017):
 I should also mention, if you do decide to carry out this affair with your close family friend, you'll most likely come out of it feeling even unhappier, somewhat dirty, confused and so many more negative emotions.
This affair isn't going to "heal" you or make things "better", only add to your hurt.
You'll never be able to forgive yourself, because you'll know and have to live with the knowledge that, you've done exactly that, which your husband did to you.
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (6 November 2017):
There are a number of issues here, as i see it.
Firstly, your husband has had numerous affairs, yet you say you've forgiven him and you can still call your marriage "picture perfect".
That perfect picture was destroyed the moment your husband chose to cheat on you.
You cannot be 100% certain, ever, as to whether or not your husband will stop cheating behind your back for ever, because many men/women who've had affairs continue to repeat their actions and often without their partners being aware.
This can never be guaranteed, even though he's declared that he'll not do it again and that it was only "physical".
The fact that he "chose, needed and wanted" to sleep with another woman, would be a serious red flag for most women.
You too, have tried to make your husband jealous by way of flirting with your close family friend.
You're now realising that things are getting deeper and that this guy would like to meet you one on one.
Remember the saying, two wrongs don't make a right.
You shouldn't do the wrong thing by YOU, just because you feel like punishing your husband for having done the dirty to you.
Either way, YOU LOSE.
You've been able to maintain the role of committed wife for all these years, whilst your husband had two affairs that you are aware of.
The sad thing is, i'm almost certain that if your husband hadn't had numerous affairs, that you'd ever be thinking of having an affair.
If your husband is truly sincere about changing for the better, then you shouldn't go down the path of having an affair.
If you do, you'll be just as guilty as your husband and with time, things may spiral downhill for you both.
If you cannot forgive your husband and his prior affairs are simply too much for you to live with, then you should consider marriage counselling and/or worst case scenario and last resort, a divorce.
Any decision made regarding your marriage, must be YOUR DECISION.
You cannot undo the past, so you either learn to accept and live with it, or if you cannot, you move on without your husband.
Also, if you carry out your affair with this close family friend, chances are that eventually everybody in the family will find out and your reputation will be ruined and it isn't worth all of the drama, not to mention the pain it will bring to your children.
For just 15 mins of cheap pleasure and fun, is it really worth it?
Continue to carry yourself with the respect that you've been doing so for all these years and don't allow bitterness, resentment and pure jealousy destroy you and your marriage, if you truly wish to make it work.
One of the issues of affairs is that, although we say we have forgiven our spouse for doing the dirty behind our back, it's still very difficult to completely forget what they've done to us.
Unfortunately, it will always be lingering somewhere in the back of your mind and often, when you don't want it to, not to mention that learning to place full trust in your partner once again, would be even harder.
On a subconscious level, this is why you are feeling the way you do and this is why you've contemplated seeking revenge on your husband.
Yes, your wanting to have this affair is partly based upon revenge, hurt, anger.
You say you think an affair will make it easier for you to forgive him and make you less judgemental of him.
It doesn't work like that.
As i mentioned prior, two wrongs do not make a right and then what?
You'll both have hurt each other and have destroyed the sacred commitment placed within your marriage.
You and your husband would benefit from one on one marriage and/or couples counselling, if your marriage is to survive for the long term.
I wish you the best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Okay I'm going to be the lone voice here saying what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Just make sure the guy's wife isn't hurt (maybe they have an open marriage).
Your husband cheated multiple times, you DESERVE to have some fun as well. If he broke the vow, that's on him. You will always have the moral high ground. He didn't just fail once, it was twice. Once maybe you forgive MAYBE. Maybe you try to work it out. Twice, no that is a choice. You can forgive but be damn sure you are getting yours too. You go girl.
I think you are making a wise decision to stay with him for the sake of the kids, while still getting yours on the side. He deserves exactly what he gave. You can still be a "good" wife to him in other ways just as he was a "good" husband in other ways, but HE opened your marriage up. Now the opening has been done so there is no going back, only make it so you enjoy too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): The sad thing is that until last year you could tell this story as the innocent party, deserving care and sympathy.But now, you've been emotionally cheating on your husband after he's changed himself for you and is making every effort to give you the 'perfect life'.In the face of that, you're throwing it all back in his face, and probably when he finds out, you'll have thrown away your marriage.You could have left at the first or the second affair that he had and have left with the moral high ground. Your kids would have grown up to respect you, and see you as 'the good guy', even if they were sad that things didn't work out. But now YOU are the guilty one, YOU are the one hurting your husband and this other man's wife. They will find out eventually, even if it remains as an emotional affair, and then you will be the one that has caused the pain, even when you understand how much it hurts. Why have you done this? Did you really think that it would feel good to hurt people just because you've been hurt in the past?Damage limitation would be to end the affair now and to tell your husband. Then decide between you if there's any marriage left to be saved.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (4 November 2017):
You plan to do to this fake family friend’s wife what your husband’s women did to you? Of course there is a difference, you know the fake friend’s wife. On top of that you are pretty sure fake friend cheats with other women. But you are confused about what to do. You’re a piece of work sister. If you can’t forgive your husband and work to rebuild your marriage divorce him and move on. You can then find a single man.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 You know how it feels to be cheated on so are you seriously willing to do that to someone else? Just because your husband is an unfaithful ass why should some other poor woman have to go through the same because you feel the need to get even?
You should know better at your age, either forgive and forget what your husband did or divorce him. Having an affair and ruining this poor woman's marriage would be incredibly selfish, especially considering you know how it makes you feel. You could tear help tear that other family apart, remember there's other people besides his wife that it would affect also.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 If you feel bitter about what your husband has done to you why would you do that to another woman? There is no excuse for cheating. You say you forgave your husband well if that was the case you would not be talking to another man. Don't tell someone you forgive them if you can't. You say he was emotionally cheating with someone but so are you talking to this guy. Your marriage sounds like it was over a long time ago. If you are not going to think about him, then think about your children and the damage it could do to them and don't be selfish.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 November 2017):
 OP, you need a divorce - it's that simple.
You thought your husband changed before, after doing it for YEARS. Then you found him doing it again. Are you waiting for a third time?
As for the married man, what's the point? You'd be as bad as your husband. Is that what you want for your kids? Two parents who cheat on each other? Forget about yourself and your husband, think about them!
OP, you're old enough to know better - you need a divorce, not an affair. Your kids have a good father, but you don't have a good husband.
Let's say, just for the naivety of it, that your husband has changed for the better - you now want to betray him. The "it'll help me judge him less" is a BS excuse for a revenge affair. It won't help anything, just make it all worse.
Seriously, both you and your husband need to stop being selfish and focus on the examples you're setting for your children. They WILL notice.
You clearly can't forgive your husband, so your marriage is doomed, *especially* if you cheat too. Either get couples' therapy to deal with the betrayal, or get a divorce. Cheating won't resolve anything; it'll just hurt him - which is what you want; him to feel the hurt he caused you. It doesn't work that way, though.
A divorce is inevitable and, if you cheat too, you'll leave it with resentment and hurt on both sides, which will harm your children.
What you need to do, OP, unless you get couples' therapy, is divorce him. Then stabilise yourself as a single mother, sharing custody of your children with him. Spend 6 months or so (post-divorce) to work on yourself as a single woman, before dating SINGLE men.
You probably won't listen to the advice because you're set on cheating being the answer or staying with your husband, even though you can't trust him, but I hope you do - before you irreparably damage the way your children view relationships and their parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 November 2017):
 Two wrongs are not going to make a right.
You already know what it feels like to be cheated on. Do you want to be responsible for putting another woman through that?
If you have found out so easily that this man has affairs, do you not think others will find out about YOUR affair with him if you choose to go that route? How do you think your friends will see you if they find out?
If you are still bitter about your husband's affairs, then you need to sort that out with HIM, not involve another party.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2017):
If you are going to cheat, at least do it with someone who isn't related at all to the family. This makes no sense and you are way in over your head. Revenge cheating is not an excuse. If you are unhappy then why don't you just get a divorce?
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 November 2017):
 You are having issues with your husband cheating and think it is very wrong what he is doing yet you are attracted to precisely the same guy, who is doing the same thing to his wife, only worse because he is doing it with family members. I'd say that the new guy for whom you got the hots seems far worse a choice then your husband because your husband is, at least, refraining from doing it with family.
Not to mention that cheating back is exactly the worse remedy for being cheated. The two men around you maybe cheaters out of impulse but you seem interested in becoming a premeditated cheater. Please don't.
Nor is there any gain there for you. What exactly would you gain, aside from a 30 second orgasm and few hours of "fun" which you know is fake?
Nor are economics in your favor. Your husband is, as you say, the bread winner, sow hat do you gain with that other guy?
If this was me, I'd cut off that scummy guy who does it to family, and take back all the flirts and never speak to him again. Then I'd turn to your husband and deal with his cheating by first deciding am I gonna forgive or not. If I won't then I'd break up, take my portion and move on to plant my life with a person with whom there is something to gain long term.
...............................
|
