A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Whenever me and my boyfriend argue he always blames me for whatever problem has occurred 100% and never takes any responsibility.Though I must say we do not argue any more than any other couple I know. I used to take this that things were 100% my fault and instantly back down, apologise and try and change my ways, this would result in the end of the argument but tended to breed resentment within me and arguments would reoccur.I had some counselling over self confidence issues and stopped just instantly taking everything on as my responsibility. Now I take what I feel I have done and will attempt to calmly disagree with what I don't. As a result the frequency of our arguments has reduced but the intensity of them has got worse. We seem to now reach a stalemate rather than an end and while I feel like I try and consider all of what he says he still does the same thing of blaming me 100%. This has left me feeling quite downcast and unhappy.Recently he described me in an argument as selfish. I found this painful as I have recently been devoting a lot of time to helping a family member in need, along with a job that is very demanding this has wore me out so on an evening I have been falling asleep earlier so we haven't been out as much. But as soon as I've had energy I've always tried to suggest things he liked to do. I told him I understood he may not have been getting my total attention but I didn't feel I was selfish as such id just temporarily put the family first and I would try harder to give us more.time He refused to listen to my point of view. He carried on blaming me for everything and didn't really suggest a solution to make him happier.This seems to be a common theme in our arguments... A blame game rather than trying to find a solution.My question is, Is there anything else I can do.to try and help us find solutions not blame.. And am I feeling frustrated by this unjustifiably or is it not normal to never reach a compromise as at the moment I feel like I'm the only one ever making any.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 When disagreements become contests of who was "to blame".... then the relationship is rounding the 4th turn and heading for the finish line....
When YOU have tried to make adjustments and amends.... but HE continues to need YOU to be "to blame" for all your (mutual) disagreements... THEN the relationship has crossed the finish line.. and you will do well to part ways....
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): You didn't learn anything from your counseling, or you're regressing. You can't do it all yourself. He has to share responsibility in finding solutions to your problems. If he cares for you.
"Is there anything else I can do.to try and help us find solutions not blame"
What's wrong with this question?
"I" should be "we!!!"
You're always reaching a stalemate; because he is a stubborn and uncompromising person. Arguments are a battle of wills, not a means of airing your differences in order to reach solutions. You now know how, he doesn't. The passion behind arguing (emotionally-charged communication) is supposed to ease tensions in your relationship.
Arguments are ineffective, if there is no compromise and mutual apology exchanged between you. They are simply venting and tantrums, when there are two adult-sized children screaming at each other.
You have a false-impression of your relationship, that all is good as long as you don't argue.
It's what lies dormant beneath the surface that defines what you have between you.
He always has to be right. Maintaining the position of "always being right;" is a position of power, authority, and control. You are a smart and considerate lady. You went and got help; so you could make sure it wasn't you causing unnecessary problems in your relationship. Now it's his turn.
Passing blame is his way of avoiding the loss of his control and authority. From his point of view; admitting he's wrong, is a form of defeat or weakness. Leaving it up to you to always find ways to make HIM happy. Ways to appease him. To keep the peace; you either have to surrender, or draw a truce. In-effect, back-down.
You can't find solutions to two-sided/couple's issues, if he is unwilling to work with you. Problems within your relationship are not just your problems, they're his too! He does not respect you as his equal; because you're female. He equates his authority with his masculinity. Therefore; you must stand firm. Suppressing an issue is not solving it. It will only comeback twice as bad, having more time to rot and fester. As you have experienced.
What it now comes down to, is deciding whether it is worth the trouble of continuing to try? You may have reached the end of the road here. He has made it clear, he will never accept responsibility for anything, thus will not be fair.
That is not an adult-relationship. He believes you're the reason for all the problems in your relationship. Is that so?
Now you figure it out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Relationships are not 50/50 they are 100/100
so that BOTH of you are 100% responsible. It's not YOUR fault or HIS fault. IT just is.
However if he can't or won't take responsibility for his actions, then he is not mature enough to be an adult. If he won't even discuss or consider how HE contributes to things there is not much you can do and to be honest I'd stop trying.
I agree that he won't change. this is who he is and so far it's worked for him. I would not buy into his blame game at all.
try saying "you MAY be right, I'll consider what you said and get back to you" and then walk away. He thinks he's right because he won't hear the "may" and you know he's wrong and you walk away with serenity and try to figure out how you want to cope with this.
After a while the blame game gets old...and then the relationship dies.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2015):
 Honestly, there isn't anything you can do to change this. I don't this is all about you though.
HOW does he treat his mother?
How does his dad treat his mother?
I ask that because this BLAMING you 100% of the time is a learned behavior. I think he learned before he started dating you. The fact that you in the beginning PRESUMED he was right and you 100% wrong, might also have set a "tone" for his treatment of you.
Why does he do it? Because it is the EASY route. Blaming you, means he has to take 0 responsibility. It means YOU are the "bad guy" and he is not.
YOU have worked on changing YOU and betting YOU, what has he done? NOT a thing. Because he sees himself as blameless and with out fault. I'm sorry, honey THIS will not change, because HE will not change.
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