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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I withheld information from my ex. We began having sex, using condoms, then he stopped wearing them and didn't withdraw. I didn't care because I had cervical scarring from an abortion (age 23) that was performed too early. My doctor said it was affecting my ability to concieve. I had been trying for years previously with no success. I found out I was pregnant. He thinks the pregnancy was intentional. He says he thought I was on the pill. I have not told him the difference because I am ashamed of the abortion and also because I didn't want to share infertility issues with someone I may have been preparing to share a future with. I had the baby. He left us. He says I am impulsive for concieving and having this child. I was 37 when this happened. My question is do I tell him now to wipe the slate clean?
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abortion, conceive, condom, my ex, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe may not forgive me for not sharing the truth with him earlier, but I have asked my doctor to prepare a letter of documentation, explaining the fertility issue to him, in case he does not believe me.
He had expressed love for me, a desire to concieve a child, hadn't asked me about the pill, so I didn't expect him to bail on us. Now I wonder if it's because he thinks it was intentional (the pregnancy) or if it's because he was just in it for the sex.
Either way, he made a brief appearance after the baby was born and quickly disappeared again. I had to take him to court to get child support. We live in a small town. Everyone knows our business. We don't speak. He has supervised access through his mother.
The explanation at this point will not serve to change anything other than to let him know him it wasn't intentional.
Thanks for the replies and advice. :)
A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 I think for your own peace of mind I would tell him exactly what you have told us. Every person appreciates honesty. While I cannot say that it will change his mind, or that he will believe you, I think that you will know that you have told the truth and have nothing to hide. Although I don't approve of not being honest with him about your abortion or your suspected fertility issues from the beginning, being honest with him now would be a step in the right direction to repairing his feelings of being decieved by you.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (12 January 2007):
 First off, CONGRATULATIONS, many women go through what you have and never are able to have children. Your baby is a miracle and I hope you know how blessed you are. There are hundreds if not thousands of women who wish for exactly what your going through.
Secondly, If it would make you feel better to tell all now then do it. The truth should have come out the second you started having sex.
You can't make him step up and be a man, and a father no matter what you tell him. You can only legally protect your child and make him pay child support. Your amazing child's mental health on this whole issue can be compensated if you take the time.
Right now the most important issue is the well-being of your miracle child.
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