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He asked to be my FWB, I turned him down because I want a relationship, then he claims to have feelings for his ex wife but got upset when he saw me kiss another man! What is going on?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2012) 12 Answers - (Newest, 14 March 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone this is the situation, I met a man a year ago today, he had split from him wife nearly two year before we met. we agreed to take things slow then he asked me if we could be fwbs to which I told him no I want a proper relationship with him. so we didn't speak for a while, we live very close to each other then he got back in contact with me we talked and he said he didn't know what he wanted so we carried on sleeping together. then a couple of month ago he told me he still loved him ex wife so I went out and he saw me kissing another man, nothing else happened just a kiss. I got a text off him saying he was gonna delete my number and not to text or speak to him again.

anyway after 5 weeks he got back in touch with me and he came round hugged and kissed me like he normally would but he hasn't been round since. why do you think this could be? also does by the way he reacted when he saw me kissing the other man prove he has feelings for me? sorry this is long and thank you for any answers in advance

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, kissing, text

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (14 March 2012):

Great answer Aunty Em. It should be printed and framed by every person contemplating the FWB thing. Can't imagine wow much hurt and heartbreak that would prevent....

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (14 March 2012):

YouWish agony auntWHAT AUNTYEM SAID!!!

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom + , writes (14 March 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntWhy thankyou Sageoldguy :-) Honey and sovery too xxx

Do I think women will take notice of it???...

Nope!!!

We had better gird our loins, gonna be wiping a lot of FWB tears for years to come!!!!

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (14 March 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWOW!!!! AuntyEm.... I hadn't noticed what a FANTASTIC "reply" you'd made to this submittal.... Do you suppose there's ANY CHANCE that women - all over the world (and all over this site) - will look at it and actually pay attention to it??????

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (14 March 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhat Aunty Em said. Totally. I am one of those RARE people that my FWB turned into a full fledged relationship… but it is so rare and it happened due to a bizarre set of circumstances…

Most people are possessive… MINE… is a term we use in our house a lot… it means “I love you and I’m not sharing you”…. Or it means “that’s my stapler and you can’t have it (see the movie Office Space)

His reaction to seeing you kiss another man is just like when a dog pees on a tree… a bigger dog comes along and pees HIGHER on the tree… then the bigger dog “owns” the tree. He’s just trying to piss higher on the tree.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (14 March 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou describe the "classic" "FWB" arrangement wherein the dynamics scatter all over the place... with no evidence of focus by the two participants....

HE has you putting out for him... so HE has no motivation to do anything else except continue to take advantage of you, se*ually....

YOU rebuffed his advances, with your words... but then capitulated (with your actions) to "give" him ALL HE WANTED by being se*ually available to him....

The turmoil will continue until YOU take control and say to him - and MEAN IT - that you are holding out for a "proper relationship".... and then (and ONLY then!) will you share intimacies with him....

Good luck....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2012):

Honeypie agony auntSounds to me that he wants to be with you sexually and with anyone else he chooses (ex wife or whatnot) and that you are supposed to sit at the phone waiting for him....

He is a user.

I would forget his number and never text him again and move on.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom + , writes (14 March 2012):

k_c100 agony auntEver heard of the phrase 'have your cake and eat it'? Well that's exactly what this man wants! He wants you for a FWB i.e. no strings sex, however doesnt want a relationship - yet he doesnt want any other man to have you either. He wants to have his cake and eat it - basically get his own way.

He wants to keep you dangling on a string, hanging around for him ready to have sex with him whenever he wants you. He doesnt want you to be dirtied by another man, in his eyes you are his posession that he can do with as he pleases.

He doesnt love you, he doesnt have feelings for you and he is never going to committ to you. HE JUST WANTS YOU FOR SEX! Yes he is upset about the other guy because no man wants to share a woman, even when the arrangement is purely sexual. So he is going to get stroppy when it looks like you have a new man, because you wont be his sex toy anymore.

Look - if you want a relationship where a man truly cares about you then you need to cut this man out of your life once and for all. He is no good for you, he is obviously still in love with his ex wife and has no intentions of ever being with you, he just wants someone for sex until he sorts things out with his ex.

You deserve more than this, so dont settle for him and allow yourself to be used like this. You are wasting your time hanging on to him, so cut him out of your life and move on.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (14 March 2012):

Honeygirl agony auntOutstanding advice from AuntyEm.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

I dont think he can have genuine feelings for you for two reasons.

The first reason holds the biggest clue. He has TOLD you he loves someone else.

Secondly. If he had real feelings for you, he would have jumped at the chance of a proper relationship with you from the start...or at any point since. And he hasnt wanted to do that.

As for the kiss. He probably didnt like another man kissing you because he felt you might be moving on and if you do move on, you will not be an option for him any more. I think he knows how much you like him and it is flattering his ego. So he keeps coming back for reassurance that he still has you waiting for him. I think he is wasting your time.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom + , writes (14 March 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntThere is a very very very solid and golden rule that all women should have engraved on their hearts and minds. A rule so important and so legendary that it should never be forgotten and we should know that it has no exception.

This is the rule:

When a man asks you for a Friends with Benefits arrangement, it means that he NEVER intends to commit to you or wants a LOVE relationship with you.

FWB gives him licence to manipulate you, give you mixed signals (like showing jealousy if you kiss another man, but still not wanting you as a girlfriend)

It gives him licence to not contact you for weeks or months and then suddenly pop up (with more mixed messages)to coherse you into bed.

It gives him licence to give you a sob story which may just touch on the edges of him actually having feelings for you but he 'Just isn't ready'...but you are still good enough for a random shag.

It gives him licence to gain all the benefits of having a loving female text him, call him, tell him how much she cares about him but he NEVER has to return the favour (that's the benefit part)

It gives him licence to confuse you, pick you up, put you down and mess up your head and then he can just walk away without looking back when he finds someone else he likes better.

It's a BIG RULE isn't it???

We, as women (and some men) need to know this, we need to accept that FWB doesn't even have a 'friends' part. Would he come running if you were hit by a bus? Would he be a shoulder to cry on or someone you could call on if your roof caved in?...I doubt it very much.

FWB is about having NO STRINGS SEX and ATTENTION... that's pretty much the deal!!!

There are a couple of people on DC who will tell you that their FWB turned into their lover but those incidents are very rare indeed. You can risk it of course but there has to be a point when you say, enough is enough!!! and end it because these kinds of 'affairs' (and I use the term losely) can drag on for years and leave you feeling depressed, used and abused, for years and years. They can stop you moving on with someone much better and they can damage your self esteem and make you seriously doubt your worth.

I think your case shows a hefty chunk of those problems already and you can see that it's making you unhappy.

My advice would be to learn the rule, recognise the signs of a player and never put yourself in that situation again.

xxx

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (14 March 2012):

He doesn't want a relationship. He wants to be able to keep sleeping with you, while at the same time trying to get his ex back, but he does require you to be committed to him (hence him getting upset over that kiss). In short, he's a hypocrite only looking out for himself. If that's not good enough for you (which I suspect it isn't as you pointed out you wanted a proper relationship) this one is not worth your time, dear.

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