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He asked me to stop tickling him but now he's the one touching me!

Tagged as: Crushes, Flirting, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 July 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 July 2017)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I developed a same sex crush on my friend. It's a long story but I will try to keep it short. He is a few years younger than me and we met at a friends birthday party a few years ago. We actually did not start hanging out until last summer. At first I didn't see him as a friend but over time I started to enjoy hanging out with him.

We don't get to hang out much now because we both work a lot. I flirt with him every time I see him now. I try not to but it's hard. I always find reasons to sit close to him and tickle him. We sometimes wrestle and will try to pants each other. It's weird, but we do. We even held hands a few times- when we do it's only a few minutes but I wait for him to pull away but most of the time I pull away first. Things like that where I sometimes feel it's more than friends.

Last month he began to act different. When I would tickle him he would say leave me alone and would be mean about it. He went away on vacation for a few weeks and just got back. He didn't talk to me at all. However, two days ago he wanted to hang out with me. Right away he said not to touch him at all or tickle him. He said that before he left but this time I listened.

For the first few hours I kept my distance. We sat on the couch and watched tv. I noticed he would poke me and then act like he didn't. I didn't poke back. Later on we went swimming. Right away he kept splashing me and tried to wrestle me, and pull my shorts down under the water. After a while I gave in and went along with it. Suddenly he kept swimming off to the other side. When I got closer he would say "leave me alone" then splash me and swim away. He kept doing it for l20 minutes. I got annoyed and said "I won't splash you or touch you, I just want to hang out." He says "I don't want to hang out with you." I got upset and said "then why did you say yes to hanging out with me? I don't get it. Just say no. I haven't bothered you all day like you asked so what's your problem?" I think he could tell I was mad and said he was joking and splashed me, and swam away. We got tired of swimming and went back to my apartment. When we were drying off I was in a towel and he was too. We sat really close together on the couch and played games on our phones together. He kept touching my face and grabbing my hand. I was confused but went a long with it. When he asked me to get him water I told him I was naked under my towel so not to look because my towel wasn't tied right. He questioned it and then started feeling around my thighs. He began to act different and kept asking if I was really naked. A few times I would say don't look my towel is falling but I would see him look right away. Later I took him home.

Sorry it was so long but it just feels complicated. Why would he get so angry about me touching him but when I finally stop doing it, he starts touching me? Why would he say he can't wait to see me but when he sees me, he will randomly act like I'm bugging him. It's almost like he likes ignoring me because he knows I will still go to him. What do you guys think? Something is up with him and I thought it was over but I can't help but feel that it's not.

View related questions: crush, flirt

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

As males, society says we can't cry or show emotion. Men are uncomfortable how we touch each other; fearing we might send the wrong message or get the wrong reaction. Your friend is just testing the boundaries and breaking a few of those rules; because he is young and wants to understand why. Straight-males grab crotches all the time. They mean nothing by that. Wait until he gives you permission to go beyond normal limits. If neither of you have come-out to each other; then stay friends, and don't push the envelope. You're acting on a crush, and he's just curious. He asked you not to tickle him and got upset. Play is play, but when you added sexual undertones; you didn't get a good reaction. My post wasn't just for your benefit, it's to all readers.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you guys for your input. He is not under aged. I forgot to say that during swimming he kept grabbing my crotch area. This is what made it more confusing that made me write this. I was afraid that if I said if, my question would be flagged. Maybe I am blind to this whole thing.

WiseOwl, I really appreciate your lengthy feedback. It really made me stop and really look at the situation. I would never do anything to hurt him. He doesn't know I'm bisexual. I have said it to him before but he thinks I was joking. I probabaly have been taking it too far lately but this is why last time I tried to keep my distance from him. Next time I see him I will put an even bigger distance.

Janniepeg, it is definitely hard to resist touching when the tension is high. He has this hold over me. I used to be able to ignore it but lately it has been hard. I'm definitely gonna have to stop and see what happens.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 July 2017):

We get these posts frequently from gay men and women trying to read the mixed-signals they receive from suspected "gay-curious;" or friends whose sexual-orientation hasn't been clearly identified or revealed. The stories are so common that they're cliche. Being a mature and experienced gay man, I think I've seen it all.

People who are in the closet, or straight(but curious), are merely testing the boundaries. They try things just to see what it's like. Society condemns certain behavior exchanged between same-sex individuals; and like a curious child, they'll touch the stove. Even when they're told they'll get burned. I've been the guinea-pig for my straight-male friends; but I set boundaries, and there is no touching allowed. If they don't want to be groped, DO NOT attempt to grope me!!! They just want to overcome their fears or discomfort. They can try things they can't with other men. Playfully, that is. I understand, when I was in the closet; so did I. I don't presume anyone's sexual-orientation. No one has that right.

For the most part, single gay-people are on the alert for sex; or hoping to make a romantic-connection. Some gay people never rest their hormones and learn to form platonic relationships. To just like people as normal friends. Especially when they are dealing with attractive people of the same-sex. Going after friends for dates or sex is fishing in a barrel. Only because it's convenient and people tend to easily blur the lines these days. Setting no boundaries leads to confusion, chaos, and anarchy. That's why gay-relationships fail so often.

They try to manipulate close-connections with other people of the same-sex under the guise of friendship. Thinking enough exposure, pressure, and teasing will "bring them out" or make them "switch sides." Maybe introduce them to bisexuality. That's the same thing straight-people (especially your parents) are doing to you most of your life; when they're introducing you to a "nice girl." Hoping you'd change. You'd think most gays would see this correlation or similarity. No one wants to be expected or forced to feel something you don't, and can't.

Straight-people do not change their sexual-preference. They remain straight, but accept others for theirs. Gay people do not go straight; they only suppress and control their gay inclinations. In spite of the TV shows and religious testimonies of people claiming they have given-up being gay. The truth is, they have learned to suppress their sexual-attraction for the same-sex, in order to seek approval from society. Some want to have children and a hetero-style family. Sometimes we need approval and acceptance into the mainstream. Most are frauds who simply continue their activities in secrecy. It's only a matter of time before they get caught, or "come out" again.

The stereotype about gay people is that we are constantly trying to corrupt, seduce, or recruit young people. Particularly the under-aged. I am appalled at this unsubstantiated presumption placed upon us; and even more so, when that is actually the case. Though this is not as predominant as homophobic-straights want to insinuate. No more than heterosexual-people going after the under-aged. In either case, it's an equal crime and immoral!

Gay people tend to be more cautious; because we're highly suspected and watched by society, regardless of much evidence to support such prejudice. It must be hell to be a priest these days! They just assume that's what the gay culture is like. Creepy men sneaking around after young boys. It's disgusting, whether true or not. Vulgar!

I notice you were careful not to indicate the age of your younger friend. This is an important factor; because adolescent-males (early teens to 20) may be conflicted when they are virgins or sexually-inexperienced. They are full of raging hormones. That doesn't mean sexually anything goes! Don't even go there!!! Only that they have no experience and have fewer defenses or prejudices; because they are coming of age.

Guys comfortable and secure about their sexual-orientation and masculinity are not intimidated by gay men. They don't mind having gay friends. Male or female. They can be at ease to wrestle and horse-around. Males play rough and horse-around to establishes dominance and test our strength. It's natural competition inherited from primal male-behavior. When a straight-guy senses you are starting to get sexual, they will cry foul! And rightfully so!!! Your friend is setting boundaries. You do your best to slyly cross them. You get frustrated; because you think he's being a tease. He's not. You see only what you want to see. In any case, regardless of gender or sexual-orientation. NO MEANS NO!!!

He can differentiate when you're being playful and when you're being sexual. You're assuming he's too naive to tell the difference. He wants to maintain your friendship; but he wants you to recognize what lines not to cross. You're too horny to see this.

You're not behaving like a real friend; by making subtle sexually-suggestive comments, or inferring sexual-innuendo. He asked if you were really naked; because you said you were. He may have wondered what you were up to; and trying to figure-out how to handle it, in a friendly-way. Without hurting your feelings or pissing you off. Not necessarily with the intent to submit to your advances, or to make any. That's purely your presumption; if not wishful-thinking. He hasn't crossed that line so far. So stop trying to go there!

Without a doubt, confident straight-males have their egos; and they sometimes like to tease gay-men when they know you desire them. That's only a natural human-response to flattery. He's flattered you find him attractive. That's all! You don't seem to hold-back the fact you're attracted.

You get distant and unfriendly if he doesn't allow your advances. Tickling is for kids. It's also seen as foreplay between adults. It's invading personal-space when you don't want it!!! He values you as a friend; so he feels he has to play by your rules. Even if it makes him feel uncomfortable or offended. He tries to compromise. You want something to be up with him, but he isn't willing to go where you want him to. He'll play along to a point. That end-point is called a "boundary!" You're gay, so some things you do differently. So he has learned to give and take. He just won't make it foreplay. He's not playing hard to get.

If he's conflicted about anything, it's whether or not he can maintain a friendship with you without you demanding that he includes gay sex-play. He's not trying to be your future boyfriend. He's just trying to be a friend.

I caution you about crossing any lines. Be a real friend, not a wolf in sheep's clothing. If he makes a blatant move without any urging on your part, and he is of an appropriate age; then he is being consensual. You can feel free to take it from there.

If you make the first-move not sure of his sexual-orientation, you are making a risky pass. If he clocks you for it, it is well-deserved. If he makes a move that is without a doubt, or any uncertainty, to be gay in nature; then he is consenting to go there with you. It is entirely up to him to do that, not you! You've already come out to him. So there's no question about you, or your preferences.

Pouting or getting angry if he doesn't accept your advances is manipulative, unscrupulous, and devious. Friends aim to please and stay on our good side. Younger-people look-up to us, and we are still a role-model; even when we're only a few years older. His same-sex attraction so far, is undisclosed, undetermined, and unconfirmed. So he gets to make the moves and the choices in that area. If he opts out, and if you're a real friend; that will not change the state of your friendship. It remains solid.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (14 July 2017):

janniepeg agony auntI think he has conflicting feelings about what he wants to do with you. He definitely likes you but maybe he doesn't want to be known to be gay in front of family and friends. He needs courage coming out and that's his decision alone. He senses that this could lead to somewhere but stopped because of fear. If you want this to be more than flirting then you could tell him to think about what he wants before he hangs out with you. It's hard to resist touching when the tension is high.

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