A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months officially, but we met and started dating about a year ago and started dating exclusively and having sex 7 months ago. We took everything in our relationship really slow which was nice. The sex was GREAT, it still is great, except now he comes really quickly almost every time. He used to joke around in the start of the relationship that he sometimes comes quickly and that with alcohol he can go all night, but I remember our first time lasted all night and we weren't drinking and up until about 2 months ago he could last much longer. He also turned me down for sex last week and again last night. To be fair we had already had sex yesterday but it ended really quickly and we were in the shower and I asked him if we could move to the bedroom and he said he wanted to come first and we could go again after we got out of the shower. I gave him a massage then he gave me a massage and we never had sex. I felt cheated.We see each other about 3-4 times a week, but are alone together maybe 2-3 times a week. Those times when we're alone I want to have sex, and now when we do it doesn't even last very long. I know some guys have that problem, but he didn't really up until now. We use condoms sometimes and other times don't, and that doesn't seem to make too much of a difference and he usually ends up taking them off because for some reason when we use condoms (and this is with other partners too) I can't stay wet. I've tried giving him oral before sex and that makes some difference but not much. Is this something to do with him being selfish? I must admit I have never by any of my past boyfriends been turned down for sex, usually it was them wanting it way more than me and me turning them down. My boyfriend asked me in the beginning of the relationship to initiate sex more because its a turn-on for him, and I learned to be confident enough to do it and now that I'm confident enough to do it I am getting turned down. He did start a new job so it could be stress, and to me that makes sense for turning me down and being too tired, but why can't he last long anymore? Is he just trying to get it over with?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he doesn't have an issue with getting it up, just lasting long. He never has an issue with getting it up, or at least never with me. And we wake each other up in the middle of the night for quickies lol, in fact a few times recently when he said he's too tired I couldn't sleep cuz I really wanted to do it so I laid awake and eventually woke him up and he was sooo ready to go. I don't know.. I'm confused!! It's not really the turning it down so much I'm confused about as the suddenly not lasting long
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 You can tell him that you are not going to initiate anymore since you get hurt by being turned down.
What we say is not necessarily what we want to get. This applies for both men and women. When he says he wants you to initiate sex, it only means he doesn't want to risk rejection, even one time, so the responsibility came to you. It could also be said to mask the fact that he couldn't get it up on demand so by saying this he wants to give you the illusion that he is all manly and can't fail. I can bet you any man who says this would not want to be woken up at 3 am for a quickie, they will just go right back to sleep. I asked my boyfriend if I could take this literally and he says yes. But I am not going to be humiliated in reality, and who needs sex at 3am anyways. I am not going to test him and call his bluff. My relationship is more important than who's right who's wrong. I will cut him some slack. Being the compassionate woman it means to read in between words and not be harsh in pointing out his weaknesses. What good does that do? He did not mean to deceive you but you need to communicate your feelings to him, and that you miss his affections and his attentiveness.
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