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Pinkfish
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. Whilst he behaves in a loving manner and is respectful and caring, he never tells me he loves me, in fact he tells me he doesn't. Should I accept this at face value and leave, or could it be self preservation on his part and I should be a little patient with him? Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): If he tells you he doesn't, well then.. he doesn't. After a year with my boyfriend he told me "I really like you." I never asked if he loved me because telling me he likes me gave me the answer. He treats me extremely well and is VERY caring WHEN we are together which is mostly on weekends. He includes me in any events with family and/or friends. However, he sometimes doesn't call me for two or three days at a time and when I asked him why he said he gets busy and since we're both working there isn't anything to talk about so there is no sense for him to call me every day. When he talks to his friends he has occasionally made statements in the middle of a cheerful, fun conversation, saying to someone, "that's why I love you so much." He has said that to friends probably 6 times in the past year. My take on the whole things is love is never going to happen so.... I'm leaving myself open for someone who WILL fall in love with me.
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reader, pj24  +, writes (24 February 2008):
I'm in the same situation except it's been two years.And I thought the samething about just giving more time. I use to ask him why he didn't tell me he loved me and his reply "was that he wasn't sure he did" He cares alot, does all the right things but he just doesn't love me in that "in love kinda way" I think cause our2 yr is coming up I started asking him how he see the future and if his feelings had grown over the last year. He said he couldn't picture his life without me in it but he still doesn't have the head over heels in love feelings for me. I think after 2 yrs someone would know if they could ever love you. So this is your desicion, as well as mine, are you satisfied with the relationship you have today?? Does he make you happy without telling you he loves you? Are you going to want him to say it in the future?.Because like mine what if nothing changes after another year? I'm in the same situation I was last year. Nothing changed. If you want to be with someone who tells you they love you then you probably need to leave now. But be aware if you leave, be strong, let him know you love him but he just isn't giving you what you need in your life. And your needs are just as important as his. i had this conversation with my biyfriend just last week. I told him it's time to have some of my needs met.I was ready for amore "in love" relationship. So I told him its probably best we go our separte ways.. I didn't talk to him for two days, just two and when I did finally talk to him he ask to get together.I told him I needed space for awhile..That man texts me emails me and calls and asks to hang out all the time now..The trick to get the man to do what you want is to act like a man..Like you don't care. Let him know what it feels like to not have you in his life. that you are strong enough to go out and get what you want if he isn't meeting your needs. the fact that you stand up for yourself with confidence and self worth shows a man you deserve the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I would ask why he is around. I would also ask myself if this is the relationship I want and if I love him enough to accept the situation. If not, I would have to let go and move on.
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reader, yi  +, writes (28 September 2007):
Hi Writer,
I know how you feel. I have the same situation with you. Well, the best way I think is to leave him and find someone who loves you or who deserves you to love. The guy I love said to me, oh, I liked you a lot but our relation couldn't develop girlfriend and boyfriend. To be honest, I don't know his exalt reasons. What I could do is to love myself first and don't get hurt from these things.
So please love yourself and make yourself happy. You are a nice woman and need someone who really loves you.
Good luck to you
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reader, thashy  +, writes (21 August 2007):
Its so hard to give up on someone you love, i'm in the same situation but i agree with the rest, you sound like a great woman and you deserve better just take it one step at a time and walk away if he still says the same thing if it was meant to be believe me he will come back with those words you long to hear at this moment but only the opposite comes out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): I have to tell you that this type of person doesnt change. Once you decide to stay with him you will always be the one hurting because you cant figure out why he doeant love you. Honey there are plenty of good men looking for ladies like you and if a guy loves you he will tell you, at time to make sure that another guy doesnt snatch you. You know that you can do better so dont put yourself esteem at stake for this loser. Dump him.
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reader, Pinkfish +, writes (23 November 2006):
Pinkfish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice guys. Martini, I think you're right - if I really needed people to tell me he was a loser (or he wasn't) then my feelings weren't strong enough. I don't want to leave, but then again I don't want to leave myself open to a whole world of pain (who does). I think this situation is making me insecure and it's affecting my behavior. I think I'm going to start acting more confident and less needy and that way he'll either see me as the positive confident woman he was attracted to in the first place, or I'll realise that I'm in the wrong relationship. Either way there will be a resolution and I won't end up feeling like the victim.
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reader, marie78 +, writes (23 November 2006):
Given that it's been a year, he should be shouting it out to everyone that he loves you. Men know whether they love a woman within months, so for him to tell you that he doesn't love you and it's been a year since you've been in a relationship, I think you might want to consider moving on to a man who has the capability to love. As a woman, you should be adored and loved by the man you're with... I remember the first time my ex-bf didn't say, "I love you" back to me, after we had constantly exchanged those words on a daily basis. It hurt and I tried to stick things out. Don't allow yourself to be damaged by this guy. He could be waiting for another woman to come along and is using you in the meantime for a thrill. Respect yourself as a woman and sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel. If he still won't budge, then suck it up and move on. It will hurt, but it's better to hurt now then to go another 6 months or a year and have him dump you for someone he loves! Good luck!
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reader, Dr Pete  + ♥, writes (22 November 2006):
 Are we not getting caught up confusing ourselves with semantics here?
Surely love is more than just saying it? You said he behaves lovingly, respects you and is caring. Are these not attributes to show that he does love you? Or must one actually say it for it to become love?
Irish poses a lot of important questions that you need to ask yourself, and him. Perhaps he meant that he is not *IN* love with you? There's a big (and all important) difference.
A year is a long time to spend with someone for them to say that they don't love you. Why don't you propose the idea that you guys should break up if he doesn't love you at this stage in the relationship, and see what his response would be.
I think really you have either misunderstood him, or he hasn't properly communicated everything to you. Right now, things just don't add up. Talk to him.
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reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (22 November 2006):
 As far as I'm concerned, the one year mark in a relationship is 'do or die' time. At one year, most couples have something solid and loving established. There is a mutual love, in place. He sounds complicated and scared or just indifferent. I really think no matter how you try to assess this in your mind, you need to accept this at face value and just walk.
You can ask yourself these questions..but I feel you will still draw the same conclusion. Is there a lot of affection between you two? Has he ever been in love before? Does he even believe in love? Does he know how to recognize what a true, devoted love is for a woman? Some men have big problems with this. Could this be him? If so, again, I think he's far too complicated and you should still leave and let him have his 'space and mull over this awhile'. See if he'll miss you. If he doesn't miss you and doesn't contact you, there's your answer.
Or is it..he has loved others, but simply doesn't love you? If yes, to this question then I agree with Soulsistah. Don't waste any further time on this guy. I know how much you love this guy but you aren't getting any love back. I know he is displaying respect and caring toward you and that is the very least he should be doing. But I do think if after a year, if he can't tell you 'he loves you' then this is the time to be moving on.
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reader, martini +, writes (22 November 2006):
 I don't want to start arguments, but what makes him a loser? She just said that he behaves in a loving and caring manner, but doesn't love her. That can mean either A) the relationship chemistry hasn't been as explosive as some other relationships, thus he isn't quite in love with her yet, but getting there, or B) he likes her a lot, but isn't sure whether that can be translated to love, or C) he doesn't love her but considers her to be a great confidant in which he can adore, or D) etc.
Anyway, this is up to your personal judgment on his actions. A man doesn't necessarily have to say he loves you to love you. A man that says he loves you doesn't necessarily mean he really loves you.
With that said, what do your feelings and thoughts tell you? Do you want to stay or do you want to leave, or are you in the middle, +/- a few points either way? If you want a stranger to tell you that he is a loser and believe that person, or have a stranger to tell you that he is what I said he might be, and believe me, then that means you aren't strong in your love for him in the first place.
Love as my aniki had told me, "is a dynamic force that exists in a relationship between two people, because the love they experience in the initial phase may be unexplainable but they know it's there, but when they grow old, those feelings change and it's more because of their duty to each other" and as he continued, "i don't buy that "oh it's that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you see that person" kind of answer".
What do you think? ;]
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reader, Lemonpixie +, writes (22 November 2006):
 You've already been a little patient with him...it's been a year... If for some reason he is guarding himself, it's not up to you to help him. He obviously needs to work on himself. I wouldn't waste any more of your time. If he hasn't broken down any barriers after a year, i am sure it will only be a long bout of heartache for you anyway. Find a guy that loves you and makes you happy... good luck hun
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reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (22 November 2006):
 Get out of there. You are wasting your time on a guy who, after all you've put into the relationship, cannot even tell you he loves you and, even worse, admits he doesn't! This is crazy!
You deserve so much better than this. Find someone who loves you so much, they can't stop themselves saying it all the time and who respects you enough not to waste your time simply for their own amusement.
Leave this loser and find someone more loving and caring and more of what you need. You don't need to stick around and listen to this, you only get one chance at life and wasting it on people like that is not the way to go. Don't waste another minute on him, people like this don't change.
Good luck and be strong, you know this is for the best.
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