A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have recently started dating again and have been seeing this one guy in particular for a couple of months now. Last night things progressed further than they have and we moved to the bedroom, however it was a bit of a disaster in my eyes. He seems to find it very difficult to firstly keep an erection and then orgasm once he does. This in itself wouldn't be a problem, but in order to get there he lay flat on his back with his eyes closed, and made no noise apart from when he was telling me to do it harder and faster. It took over an hour of me using my hand as tight and fast as possible alternated with my mouth and I finally got him there, but the whole thing was just so unsexy it felt like a shift at work! He wasn't making any noises to indicate that he was enjoying himself, plus despite the fact I was gripping as tight and moving as fast as I could, he still kept losing his erection throughout. I know these things can happen, hell most women have realised they aren't going to get there more than once, but I guess it was the fact that I felt so detached from him while it was going on. I'd never expect a man to keep doing the exact same thing for an hour without so much as me glancing up at him, yet that's what he did. He did return the favour afterwards but by that point I wasn't in the mood at all, it was more the principle! I feel beyond cruel for considering ending it over this but I really can't face another night like that. I've just had a message from him saying that he had a great night and I don't want to lie to him but I don't want to be mean either. Any suggestions?For what it's worth, he'd only had a couple of drinks beforehand and he didn't at all act like this was unusual for him, so I'm guessing that it's the way he always is. Is there anything I can do to change this without hurting his feelings? Or are we just not compatible? I feel it may be that he masturbates too much and is used to his own grip, but it doesn't seem right to suggest he change his self-pleasure habits so early in the relationship. Or should I?One final point, at the beginning I was ready to have sex with him - naked in his bed and asking him to put on a condom and he kept saying he felt I was hesitant about doing it. I kept telling him I wanted to but he didn't seem to believe it. Not sure if he was deflecting due to him being unable to maintain his erection or if he has other reasons for acting that way?Thanks in advance folks!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 October 2015):
 Don't feel cruel. You gave it a shot, it's not your idea of sexy, and you have every right to end it. Continuing to date someone out of pity or because you feel you "have" to do it for some reason, is just stupid, and it's also pointless. You know now that you and him dont have a future. Stringing him along is what's actually cruel here, because you already know you don't want to have sex with him again. So why let the guy get his hopes up?
You don't owe him an explanation, and I highly recommend you say NOTHING about the reasons why (Im fairly certain he already knows anyway).
I've been with guys who have difficulties keeping an erection as well, or weren't able to get it up at all. It could be because of anxiety or nerves or just the way they were made. But that alone, like you say yourself, isn't what's off putting. It's the fact that he just laid there without any interaction with you, like a dead animal. That's not sexy. He could have done other things with you instead. When I first had sex with my boyfriend, he couldn't stay hard either. So we didn't have intercourse, we just did everything else that is fun to do in bed, and it was one of the sexiest and hottest nights Ive ever had. We had sex three times that night without any intercourse, and I was completely content and happy, and exhausted in the good way, lol.
Your guy not getting it up does not excuse him being, plain and simple, bad in bed.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 October 2015):
 I'd talk to him.
I would NOT be satisfied with giving handjobs to a guy who is laying like a limp fish and eyes closed too... Wow, that I would take as an ... He is JUST not that into me physically.
I don't think his reluctance was because he didn't think YOU would want sex, but because HE didn't REALLY want sex. A hand-job OK, but he didn't want vaginal sex. He just didn't want to be the one to say, no I don't want sex.
Could be he is not entirely ready for sex or... capable of keeping it up during vaginal sex. I would presume this guy has spend WAY to much time with with hand and is now pretty desensitized to anything BUT a hand.
I think I'd chalk it up to a "we are not compatible in bed WHAT SO EVER" and move on. I don't think there is a "fix" for this. Because HE isn't looking to change a thing, IF he was, he would have been open about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2015): Oh hell no! Sorry if it was me I wouldn't be seeing them again I'd make my excuses and fade away. If that makes me mean then call me mean! Your description of it sounds dire. 10mins is more than enough time for that activity you do not have a mechanical arm.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2015): agreed with jannipeg: you tell him immediately "youre only getting that once for a warm up...and now you only have sex in the vagina or not at all..."Personally its probably a bit of a dead end but its your turn to avoid sex right now.You worked for an hour on his dick! Now make that dowg work for you.He must take you to the cinema or out to dinner and then you tell him.."Im just not feeling it now dahlin..oh look your dicks not wanting it either."If he offers you anything but full state of arousal and jumps on you for your pleasure, then go ahead but any half cocked ideas must be shrugged off ..or your doing shift work whenever he wants it..
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 October 2015):
 He decided early on that vaginal sex won't work for him. He settled for having sex with a hand. You have to be honest and tell him. Or you wait until you are fed up with one more week of this and get angry with him. If he doesn't change his sex routine, his penis glands would be damaged one day.
I would feel like his orgasm is to release tension, and none of it is about sharing intimacy. Maybe he had been a porn addict and was used to seeing women serving men. It's right to change his masturbation habits. Even better to stop doing it so he can start to appreciate the vagina. You can say to him if he wants to be with you then it won't work unless there's a rewiring to his brain regarding arousal and pleasure.
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