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anonymous
writes: I am late 40's, female, blonde, healthy, and attractive. I really do think and know that I am a nice person. I treat others with kindeness, respect but I do go 'off' when people are rude and selfish to others and myself. I have no qualms about stating how I feel, if someone steps over the line and lashes out with cruel words. I am not afraid of standing up for myself. Friends and family treat me well, but love relationships, I seem to stink at. I am quite an independent woman, have my own business, own my own home and vehicle, have raised 3 great kids. I was married for over 20 years, divorced, lived on my own since then. I have had 2 serious relationships since my marriage break up.. In these relationships, the men have said..I am too stubborn. Take into mind I am only this way, when their unthinking actions hurt my family memebers or myself. Here's the kicker-all of the men have tried to be controlling, willful and did acts of selfishness, that I couldn't tolerate. One fellow said, I was too judgemental too moral..another said he was intimidated by me. All my social contacts and friends that know me, state I am a very good person and they admire my strength and my ethics that I live by. So why don't the men in my life appreciate what I bring into the relationship. I am giving and honest but I do set boundries. I do not drink, I don't do drugs, I work hard, I give a lot, have never, ever cheated on anyone (ever!) and am loyal to the core. But all in all, quite a well rounded, decent person. Is the men I have chosen or is it really me? Are there men out there, that think like me..that are giving, devoted or do I have to make changes? How as a woman, do you find that fine balance between being giving and respected just for who you are, and not getting stepped on? I'm struggling here to hang in there and keep my dignity intact, and I keep asking myself, am I really that unlovable. Any advice or thoughts are deeply appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): There is nothing wrong with you. I am a very independent woman who has been divorced for 7 years and have two children. I have been in two serious relationships during this time. Both times the men proposed. However, once they "had" me, all of a sudden there were criticisms that began surfacing. Things like "you are too independent", "I hate that you work in a man's world", "I wish you were more clingy". I am a partner in a large law firm. I am attractive, smart, funny. My male friends tell me that. But it seems like once a guy "has" me, he feels this need to "tame" me or something. I make more than enough money to provide for myself and my daughters. I don't "need" to get remarried. I just want to. I have been told that I make men insecure. I understand your problem. But I don't think its you, I think its them.
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 No probs anon. I hope you have better luck in the future with your choice of men. Not all men are like that ungrateful a-hole you mentioned, there are some well balanced men out there who will make give you the happiness your deserve.
All the best to your future....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBased on the answers here, I can tell my real problem is the type of males I have chosen to have in life. Yes, I do have negatives too as well. (I tend to stay up too late, I tend to procrastinate, I am a grouch in the mornings! lol) But I am pretty well-balanced with a good head on my shoulders. You asked how I set boundries, Ariel? I can assure it has nothing to do with putting up walls and an armor. Quite the opposite..I am a warm, person, I wear my heart on my sleeve and that is likely my greatest downfall. I love helping others. You did nail it on the head when you said, one should put up boundries when we get stepped on and disrespected. And that is exactly what I have done. As a result I have been called a 'stubborn, mule headed' woman, simply because I have big expectations of how I wish to be treated. And that is---with respect. I do draw boundary lines on that. I am too old and too wise to put up with BS. Thank you for your wise words, Roy. As you said, I have a much stronger, clearer perspective in life and I do not accept being treated like a doormat whose kindness is to be taken advantage of. A good example of some stuff that has happened to me is: I was helping one of my ex bf's paint his house, inside. While he wasn't home, I was painting in the bedroom. I moved some of his good clothes out of a closet where they could have been splattered as I am not 'neat' when I paint. (one of my negatives) When he saw that I did that, he lost it. He figured I should've just shut the closet door, but he failed to remember that the closet door was not closing properly. I tried to explain that. But he ranted on at me to leave his stuff alone as well as being told I was stupid for removing his clothes. Then, to add insult to injury, he said he didn't care if the clothes had gotten paint on them, they were clothes he never wore anyways! I am curious as to how, you women out there, would react to being treated like that? I told him to take the paint roller and stick it up his ass and I left. He tried to apologize, but I knew it was over between us.. Why would I tolerate a lifetime of that and when I told him that, he got mad and told me I was a 'stubborn bitch'. Go figure? I think my whole problem is I have 'chosen' unappreciative, selfish men who feel entitiled and were 'not' loving at all. I have learned. The crazy thing is..they appeared caring, in the beginning. So I am having doubts about my abilities to choose wisely. I can see I have to work on that. Thanks again Ariel, Eyes and Roy for your advice...much appreciated. And Eyeswideopen..thanks for your encouragement. Someday, perhaps a good, gracious, kind 'real' man will come into my life. But I will no longer think, I am unlovable. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 I totally agree with Roy. You weren't the problem, they were. You sound like a well-rounded lady that a REAL man can love and respect. He's out there, you just will have to wait a little longer. Good luck and don't settle for less than the best.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (12 April 2007):
Theres nothing wrong with you in the slightest. You have been through a marriage which changes how you see percieve relationships forever and theres nothing like experience to base your perceptions on.It does sound like its more their problem than your own. Maybe you are stubborn but as long as that does'nt mean you are being unreaonable that should'nt be an issue. There is a difference between the two. If someone really loves you they will understand you unconditionally. You are looking after yourself by making your own rules how to live which is fine, alot of people dont have that.You dont seem the type to be attracted to controlling men when you are so independent. This is what seems to cause the conflict. You obviously have a good grip on your life outside the relationships and this to some men can seem too overpowering and make them feel inadequate. But thats not your problem, thats theirs.You'll find someone who appriecates your good qualities and will value your moral attitudes. Its not you remember that. All the best..
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