A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I told a girl at work who I'm friends with. That I'm autistic and that I sometimes find it difficult to communicate people with people and to read people for example. Before I did a very stupid and foolish thing by asking if she wanted to meet for a coffee as well just as friends and since now things have become awkward betweens us. I asked her because in my heart I felt it was the right thing to do, and she is a fascinating person.But my timing and judgement may have been wrong. And by telling her I was autistic I thought it would make her aware but I don't know if I've made things extra worse. I don't want to lose her as a friend as she's been great with me and made time for me on occasions when she's been busy.What should I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 I am not sure I got the timeline right, but I suppose that " I haven't heard back from her in a couple of days " means that you messaged her a couple of days ago and she has not responded yet.
Let her be. Let her get settled,let her adjust. I am sure she's got her hands quite full in Africa and the last thing she wants or needs is to devote her time to social niceties or email banter.
If in a couple of weeks you have not heard from her yet, you could contact her again but, please !, not to whine how much you miss her and how unhappy you are and why oh why is she neglecting you etc.
Keep it light, and make it about her, not about you. Act really interested ( as hopefully you are ! ) in her job and new surroundings, ask her about her first impressions, how is she coping with everything,.... you know, " if you want a friend BE a friend ".
If she does not feel pressured to fulfill your emotional needs, I guess she will be more inclined to keep contact at least occasionally.
And if she does not- so be it. Don't take it as if you has done something horribly wrong that you should have avoided. Quite simply, some friends are for life, and some only share a part of our path .
And... go out. Do something ! Go to the gym or to the movies or go shopping or... whatever you do to distract yourself. Do not spend the next 7 months counting the days util she comes back when MAYBE she has more time and could decide to resume contact.
Life happens now, not in 7 months !
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): She is away for seven months.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): She's left now cindycares and is abroad at present. The last time I spoke to her was the end of may, after that ive not heard back from her in a couple of days.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 June 2016):
I feel that most responders, and you too, OP , sort of assume that she is cold shouldering you because you told her about your autism.
It could be ( and thanks to the mom of the 11 y.o. kid for pointing out that anyway that would not make her " mean " or cruel , just unprepared to deal with this kind of difficulty ). But also , or more probably, her
" coldness " could have nothing at all to do with it.
- I have the feeling that you may have different perceptions about your " friendship ". She has been nice to you in the past, she has been friendly, she has joked around and laughed with you... you interpret this as a solid friendship, but for her maybe it is just normal office camaraderie. There's a lot of people who get along with colleagues and enjoy a pleasant , friendly atmosphere at work, it helps to while away the hours and makes work itself easier. That does not mean that they want to take it out of the office, in fact often they don't. Whether they already have a very full schedule with their actual friends and need no more, or because once out of the office they need a total break from the workday, a total change of scene, - lots of people choose to not make stronger bonds with their colleagues. That's why she might have been taken aback and not too enthusiastic about your coffee invitation.
Of course these people do not go around with a sign reading :" Pls. don't ask me out for coffee "; or" No, I am not coming to the movies with you lot". They dont have to- there's a subtle, but yet very readable " code " of verbal and non verbal messages which says : I am a WORK buddy, no more.
Your difficulty in " reading " people may have you made miss these signs... and hey, no big deal. It's not yur fault, its not her fault,- nobody has done anything wrong.
- Variation of the above : You sound like a very intense young man, someone who feels things very strongly and takes things very seriously - this is not a prerogative of autism; it's just a trait of personality. But it's a trait of personality that may scare people off when they are not ready or willing to relate at the same level of intensity.
Not to mention that , even if your interest was not romantic, she may have thought that you were hitting on her. You said you wanted to go out just as friends, OK, but... she KNOWS that people will say anything to get a date :) !
- You did not mention in this post that this girl has left or is leaving the office to spend a long period of time abroad. A radical, exciting change of life : I think she is distancing herself , inevitably, not specifically from you, but from all her " old " life. She is turning a new leaf, she is probably very focused on the near future rather than on the near past . It's not personal against you.
Anyway : basically you'd want to be as important to her as she is important to you. Why this should have to be linked to autism ? It happens all the time to everybody, with or without " issues ". It would be great if everybody we like or love would like or love us back exactly that much - but some times they do and some times they do not. This is a fact of life to be considered with with the least amount of bitterness as possible.
It does not mean WE are wrong, flawed, unworthy- nor that they are. Just that it's not that easy to find a good match, not only in love but also in friendship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Hi sweetie.I am the mother of an 11-year old son with autism.I understand how you are feeling.And I am sorry you are feeling this way.I have had many experiences similar to yours concerning my son. I find that so many people, strangers and even family and friends, just do not understand our situation or autism in general. I mean, how could they? They do not walk in our shoes. I find that many people when they do not understand tend to distance themselves because they do not know how to handle it. We have lost some friends due to the fact they distanced themselves, not knowing how to deal with the autism. At first, it bothered me. A lot. I felt resentment towards them. But I realized that I could not harbour feelings of resentment and bitterness towards others for not understanding a condition that was not part of their lives, not part of them or their children. It is human nature to move away from something we do not understand, to be hesitant, to be afraid or not know how to handle it. And most people do not know what to say or do... And the sad part is they don't have to say or do a thing. Only be there. All they have to do is try. Just try. I think sometimes they might be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. They might overthink things. So they would prefer to do nothing at all. Sometimes a simple "hello" or "how are you?" is enough. But most people are not that enlightened. They tend to think more about how it affects THEM rather than the person with autism.I had no idea how to cope with autism as a parent either. My son and I are in this together. And we are learning every day. There is no instruction manual. And human nature is unpredictable. Some people will care. Others will not. Depends on the person. If a friend cares enough about you, the diagnosis is not going to stop a friendship. They will be your friend regardless of this label. We are ALL different in this life. Nobody is NORMAL. I do not think anybody could even come up with an explanation for what normal is. We are all unique and have our own quirks, personalities, strengths, weaknesses etc. We all struggle. Unfortunately, society is not always so tolerant and understanding and can often be very judgmental without truly knowing the situation or the persons involved. They just hear the word autism and they shy away. It is their way of coping. Running away. Which is sad because those living with autism cannot run away. The condition is with them for the rest of their lives, and with their families for the rest of their lives.Just realize that maybe your condition took her by surprise. Maybe she is not sure how to take it yet or how to react. Maybe she will come around? If you'd like to take the direct approach, maybe you can bring it out in the open? And ask her how she feels about it? And try to make her comfortable? If you do that and she does not reciprocate then maybe it is time to move on from that friendship. But I see nothing wrong with maybe feeling her out if she is important to you. That way you at least tried and know you gave her a fair chance. But remember you are running the risk that she will not respond the way you would hope. If she does not, please do not take it to heart. Ok, sweetie? It has nothing to do with you. And everything to do with HER.But I do think you were absolutely right to tell her. I think people need to know. Autism is a part of you. It is not something to hide or be ashamed of. Also telling the truth weeds out the people who are NOT your true friends. The people who care about you will not abandon you because you are different. They will value you as a person and realize that your strengths are in your differences. We all have gifts. We all need others. And I hate it when people discriminate because we do not all fall into the same cookie cutter patterns as human beings. I will tell you that some of my closest friends are DIFFERENT and I love them for it. I love that they teach me things all the time. And are not like other people. So rejoice in who you are and your gifts. That you are different and that is OKAY. In fact, it is amazing! Who wants to be just like everybody else?So please do not worry about others too much sweetie. People will come and go in this life. It does not matter if you have autism or if you are typical. True friends stick around despite it all. You were honest enough with her. Now, if she is your friend, she will be honest with you. Either through her words or actions or lack thereof.Hope I helped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): She does, I'm more than happy to listen to your advice, hers and others, as long as it makes things that bit easier for me and to ease the burden of worrying about the situation.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (7 June 2016):
Thank you for clarifying. I think followtheblackrabbit has terrific advise on this one. Autism/aspergers etc is a fairly common diagnoses these days, I know a lot of young people who have such diagnoses' and to me and lots of others its no big deal and actually helps understand certain mannerisms in people or reactions. You sound from what you write to be a young man with much charm about you, and if she is retreating somewhat just because you've shared something that is not really that big a deal in my book, then don't let it interfere with your happiness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Hope that's answered your question, it's nice to know I'm not the only one anonymous reader.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): Sorry miss frank for providing inadequate information. The reason Its awkward is because I asked if she wanted to meet up with me for a coffee as friends and the other was to do with me telling her I had autism, hence that as well. Yes we do talk less to each other, and yes also with getting away from me. I think it's because of this or she doesn't know what to do for the best or how to handle it.
She didn't give me an answer about meeting up for a coffee, I just said to her, that wasn't any pressure and I wasn't seeking more from it, to put her mind at rest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): Thank you for your kind words of wisdom, it means a lot. She probably isn't, autism is a bit of a taboo subject these days. I hope she will understand it better more when she looks up and finds out for herself what it's about. She does find me funny though.
I'll do what you suggested, and I am good with giving people space despite my difficulties, and knowing when to back off.
course I will and you will be the first to know and I'll keep you up to date. It will be fine in the end I just know it.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 I know this is easier said than done but don't overthink things so much :) Asking her for coffee wasn't stupid or foolish, you like her and want to progress the friendship to hanging out outside of work. If she feels uncomfortable because you told her you are Autistic, that's a real shame.
Maybe she isn't educated about it and now doesn't know how to interact with you etc. But you're the same person you always have been to her-she just now knows something else about you. No big deal. Don't think about it so much. Just be you and act as you always have with her and see if she'll relax a little. If you still feel awkward, and if you're really close to her, you can take her aside (or write a note) and tell her something like: "Hi Liz, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable the other day. I consider you a great friend here at work and I wanted to continue our friendship by just hanging out. But, I also understand if you'd rather we stay as we are :)
As for your Autism, I read a very interesting article about how most people have some level of it-just on different ends of the "spectrum." Someone once asked if I was autistic since at the moment, I was very uncomfortable with eye contact and fumbled through a very social event. (They fancied themselves an expert on people).
So once again, just be cool and be yourself. Give her a little space and let her gradually become more at ease. If anything, let us know what happens! :)
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (6 June 2016):
Hello. This is a tricky question to answer, because I am not clear from the information you have given as to how things now seem awkward to you. Can you give a bit more information about that? Is she talking less to you, does she seem to be getting away from you quicker? How did the conversation go when you said about coffee? Did she agree enthusiastically? Or was it more of a polite thing that people can do but don't intend to follow through with sometimes...i ask because I wonder if things are awkward because you have let her know you ate autistic or nothing to do with that and she doesn't want to do coffee? Its hard to know from the little bit of information you have given us. She may not know that people with autism can have a huge diversity in what their differences are, from quirkiness and inability to read body language, to concrete black and white literal think to exteme learning difficulties - she may not know what to make of what you have told her. So back to my original question line- why do you say it is now awkward?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): You should be able to be honest and be yourself and if this girl is put off by that, she isnt worth knowing. I am autistic too. I have Aspergers Syndrome. I like to explain to people that I am autistic too. Being autistic is nothing to be ashamed of. Our minds just work a bit differently. People wouldn't be cruel to someone in a wheelchair or any other physical disability, so why should they be cruel to people with autism or any other disability in the mind?. I have had people making comments, such as asking me what is wrong because I am so quiet. I say there is nothing wrong. Its just how I am and everyone is different. I also answer by asking them why they are so bad mannered by pointing it out. We may have trouble communicating, but we are kind, caring, witty and intelligent. These are things that make us special and that people love about us. My big interests are music and films, and a lot of people are impressed with how much knowledge I have on them.Explain these good points of autism to people, and explain the other things that I mentioned here.
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