A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do you do if you want to find someone to share your life with and get married so much that your heart hurts, but you are in your thirties and feel like you missed your chance?I've had lousy luck with guys all of my life. All I want is to find a kind and supportive man who loves me as much as I love him. I held out hope all through my twenties but now I despair of ever finding them. What's wrong with me? I am a very loving person who longs to have someone to give all that love in my heart to. I'm educated, hardworking and loving. I'm not some superficial, materialistic woman who just wants a rich sugar daddy with a McMansion. I don't care about material wealth. All I want is love, mutual love. I deserve it. But, I despair of ever getting it. I live in an area where there just aren't men, and my town is extremely gender imbalanced. There are literally about 90 females for ever male, but if you're not in a relationship, you get marginalized. I've had a "chance" with two "guys..." one of whom negged me, gaslighted me, screamed at me and called me a C-word and "stupid" when I said I needed space, and the other, who was an illegal immigrant from Guatemala. I don't have any problems with the illegal/foreign part, by the way, but... a. He wanted a green card, not a real relationship and b. He ditched his wife and kid back in his own country, came here to work and spent all his money on drugs/hookers. Men are so scarce here that they get away with this abuse because it's either a. tolerate abuse or b. you just don't get a man. Everyone else I know is happily married, having babies and planning dreams and futures.It's almost 2 in the morning where I am, and I can't stand the thought of going to bed because I can't stand the thought of that empty bed one more time.My dreams are all shattered in a million pieces around me. Why can't I find someone?
View related questions:
drugs, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 Options:
- move
- speed dating
- online dating (safety precautions)
- new hobby
- therapy to understand that your worth/happiness isn't tied to having a relationship
You can foster/adopt/sperm donor if you want a child without waiting for a man to stick around. There's no shame in making your life the way you want, rather than relying on a man to appear first.
You'll never find love when you're looking for it and you'll never find a decent guy while you pity your situation, saying things like "you have to accept abuse or be single" because that's clearly not true for the majority of relationships. Your thinking is irrational, like your exaggerated gender ratio.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 OP it is never too late to find love so do not fall into the trap of thinking that your moment has passed.
You deserve love and affection just like the next person and you will get it in due time.
Try multi-dating. It's actually a thing these days. If you leave sex out of it and get to know each guy then you will quickly learn what you like and don't like. Even if you do not succeed the first time around, you will be heading into dating with more experience and knowledge on what you want and need. It will also help you figure out what are your personal deal-breakers and what your red flags are. If you date more, your chances of getting closer to finding your Mister will increase for you.
I wouldn't say that you should limit yourself to your town only. How far away is the next town? Why not go on nights out there? You could meet someone great out there if you expand your horizons.
All in all I'd say have fun with life and get out a little. You sound like you have a great quality of life already. Sometimes when we focus on ourselves, we draw people in. Maybe that is how you're meant to find your guy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Just an after-thought. Go back and think about all those guys you left in the friend-zone. The ones who showed-up when you needed a ride. He fixed your car for nothing. The guy who thought of you when he had an extra concert ticket, and gave you his jacket when you got cold. He remembered your birthday and gave you a thoughtful birthday present; and always tries to talk to you; but you brushed him off. The guy who always treated you like a lady, but seemed too "ordinary."
People don't find love; because they're too busy looking for a "type" and creating make-believe concept models of manhood/womanhood they believe is an answer their dreams. "Types" might be a first-choice, but not necessarily who's right for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Wow! You know the ratio of men to women in your town; and you've given-up all hope on only two missed attempts.
You don't find love, love finds you. You're heading towards disaster, if you give-in to desperation; and that will make you do crazy things. Hopelessness leads to despair, and no one wants a person with a broken spirit and a desperate outlook. It shows. Envying other people helps nought, because you don't know what's happening behind closed-doors. Facades of happiness are plentiful, and you're not thankful for YOUR blessings based on the envy of what others have that you don't. Blessings start to plug-up and become fewer when your heart turns bitter, and you can't see what joys life has already rewarded you.
You see, love doesn't show-up on demand. You want it now, so some guy is supposed to recognize all your wonderful attributes, get caught-up in your charms, and fall down on one knee over-come with love; and present you with a diamond. For some of us love comes early, for others it comes late. The wait is worth it. I can testify to that.
Meeting, dating, and making a connection is a process. It involves timing and chemistry. Unfortunately, life just doesn't always work according our desired schedule. So we make the best of what we have, stay hopeful, and remain visible in spite of the odds. Love came my way when I decided I'd enjoy being single, after I got dumped. It took a couple of years. I traveled, made some new friends, worked hard, and did service to help others. I also came to DC.
You're having one of those rants we all have when we're lonely, having a dating drought, and see no prospects on the horizon; so we push the panic-button. "OMG! I'm pushing forty, my eggs/sperm are drying-up, I found a new wrinkle, and no one will ever love me after I turn forty!" Pessimism is the devil, and the devil is a liar! Impatience has a way of filling our heads full of anxiousness, frustration, and gloom when we don't get what we want when we want it. Especially when it comes to falling in-love. The forces of evil delight when we plunge into hopelessness; because it is an offense to God. Ignore my commentary for those who are not believers.
When people start getting desperate and frustrated, suddenly all life is terrible, God is ignoring them, and all the powers and energies in the universe are against them. You ran into a couple of bad apples; and you're worried that somehow all the other women are finding husbands and boyfriends, but misfortune denies you the same. Why you?
If other women have found husbands and boyfriends, it's because they didn't give-up hope, and it was their time. Some jumped the gun, settled, and took the first thing with man-parts who asked them to marry him. The time-clock is ticking towards their divorces. Many may have men, but how many are happy just because they've found one? Statistics say most will end in a divorce. So cool your jets, Sister Girl! You can adopt while single, or get pregnant through a sperm bank, or willing sperm-donor. Place an ad for a husband. Better results come with patience and wisdom.
I don't know where you got your statistics and what survey says men are at some kind of shortage. Just because one hasn't asked you to marry him and have his babies. First things first, just date as often as possible. Visibility is necessary. Maybe if you decide to do some charity work, you'll meet some kind gentleman who loves giving and helping others. Destiny sets our final destination in life; and we plot the way we find our way there.
Life is full of challenges, and finding love with a suitable loving mate is one of the biggest. Men are not ignorant beasts! We are thinking feeling creatures who don't think like women. Nature gave us differences for a reason.
Women are not victims! The world is densely populated allowing everyone a wide selection of mates; but we have to get off our lazy asses and participate in making things happen. Even if we have toil now and wait for our rewards later.
Treasure isn't sprawled all out in the open just to be picked up. You have to seek it. Same goes for a good man and a good woman. Good people are worthy of the best; so sometimes meeting our match takes longer. It takes weeding through a lot of mismatches and trolls, until the right one comes along. You wait it out, and pray. Keep the faith!
You can't read the future. That's where we place hope and faith until what we strive for arrives. You found those two, and you'll meet others. Marriage and children haven't come for you; because it isn't your time. You have no way of knowing when it will happen, so how can you say it never will happen?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Romance is a funny thing. I am quite a bit older than you, divorded and really was happy in my own skin...traveling through Europe on my own...was not looking and I met someone but even though I met someone I am still a self contained unit...he is the dessert so to speak.
That being said you are younger and want to start a family so that is more pressure.
A move would be a must. I note you are from the states. Are you adventurous....Alaska has infinitely more men than women....ideal if you are an outdoors type. Here in Canada the Northwest territories and the Yukon have a lot of men...less women...come up for a holiday.
I met my guy traveling through Newfoundland...in the winter.
Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (23 July 2017):
 lonely weekend?
Do things, Have hobbies. (not reading trash or watching television)
Be generous with your smiles.
Don't lie to your self.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 July 2017):
Yeah why don't you move? 90 to 1? I doubt that, but regardless of the ratio, you don't live somewhere that is conducive to finding love.
Or become a nun like Zara here....
...............................
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (23 July 2017):
 I tend to give a lot of guys this advice on how to meet girls. And I think it would help you.
Its not where the guys are. Its where you are. If you are going to stay where you are than you are never going to meet the man you want to be with.
So a move seems like the best option for you. Failing that extend your social circle. Put yourself out there and try some new things.
You will meet different people that way.
Also you do not deserve love. You earn it. Understand that and you will get what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Move towns?
...............................
A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (23 July 2017):
 I have no idea where you're from but by the way, you described it I would love to have grown up there, 1/90 HOT GIRLS if I ever fall out with my wife I want to move to where you're from, even if AT THAT TIME I AM 70.I am not going to give you advice here, just throw out some ideas, any advice I can give here is worth just what you pay for it, Are you open to moving if you find love somewhere cross the other side of the country, why I ask is because the program on TV here at this time of year with the highest ratings is the French equivalent of "farmer wants a wife"We all love a good love story, it is not just women that read romance novels just women are into that type books than men but men are more drawn by visual things so love a good romantic movie as much as any woman.It is sweet to see a woman from Paris, and yes even in the romantic capital of the world there are people that can't find their soul mate, move long distance to be with a man they found on an internet site or even on this tv program, we have even seen women come from other countries to be with the man of her dreams, You don't say how important your job is to you so I would start by looking up the internet see what sites are out there other than the ones that jump out first, You have ones like Farmersonly, Harvestdatingusa, and farmers-dating site, Many of these are free, YOU are at the best age to be looking for love and the man you will come across that is your age will have the up most respect for you if he is in the same age group as you as he will have grown past his wild oats face, when I was young we used to say boys go out on a Saturday night hoping to sow their wild oats and go to church Sunday and pray for crop failure, My gran used to have a saying better to be an old man's darling than a young man's slave, but that was before this thing of young boys looking for Cougars came along, As I don't know what your open to I can only through out ideas to you so if you are open to a toyboy you could join a Cougars site you might scrape in at your age for a young 18/20 fellow, I am not making fun of you, and I don't know what you are open to trying but I would say a good place to start would be a site would offer you someone that is not just looking for a one-night stand, Yes there are that type site here anyway where you can just pick your self a guy for the night or part of the night, But keep in mind if you are joining an internet site looking for a guy you're opening your self up to a whole new world with all kinds of danger. Most are free to you but the men are paying so many will be men that are serious about looking for someone if you join the right type site.Don't be too fast to give out your email address to a man you don't know anything about, or better get his first and cross check him out to see if he has a wife he is not telling you about, Looking for a mate on the net is no different to going to the pub on a Saturday night and bumping into someone new if you use your head, except you are showing your open to having a relationship If I am a guy looking for a woman and I see you at church or in the supermarket or even at the pub or country dancing I will not know you are looking as well and will not approach you as you will not have a single over your head saying "30 something-year-old woman looking for the man of her dreams"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Hi, SweetheartI'm probably your same age range and have felt that loneliness too so don't worry its natural. Media makes women feel useless without a trophy marriage/boyfriend/relationship (fill in the blanks). I was married and although my Ex wasn't as abusive as yours, but he was very aggressive and irrational so I know how you feel. But one thing that has worked and continues to work the more I perfect it is: MindsetEvery bad relationship in your life is your fault. Every bad decision is your fault. Stop making decisions based on desperation. There are good people out there Men included ;)If you are a mess you will attract garbage. If you are full of love and have a healthy mind and wholesome emotions you will attract the same. Like attracts like. Marriage is not easy and it takes to two to tango so focus on the relationship with yourself. First be an amazing woman, and your ability to determine if you've met a good man will improve. Bad men/people are predatory. They smell fear, desperation, sadness, and unhappiness. they don't care about your health, or well-being they just want to use and abuse you and suck the life out of you. When you are a healthy and whole person in mind body and soul you will find people like this repulsive and repellent and their usual tricks just won't work on you. You will be easy to lose and you will not stay in a terrible situation.Eat well and nourish your body. Exercise, it improves your shape and makes you look fit and more attractive. It also makes you happier as you'll be high on natural endorphinsTake care of your looks if you can. If you have crooked teeth find a good dentist you can afford and look into fixing yourself, or if you have bad skin find a solution so you have confidence in your appearance. That is not only good for dating but it's essential for your self-esteem. It's not vain or selfish. Focus on your finances and professional goals and dreams if you have them. If you don't then put your attention on that. A man is not a financial plan. neither are children. If you feel hindered where you live then start selling everything, pack up and move. Even if it's just to the nearest city. You can at least be close to family but change your scenery to something with more opportunities. Sorry reply is so long but I know sometimes we just need encouragement :) positive mindset and love yourself xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Hi there. You can sleep like a starfish = No 1 bonus. No sweaty, snoring cheaters that call you stupid or a c u next Tuesday = No 2 bonus. You can fart like a pig = No 3 bonus.I understand you though! I live in a red light district where there are a lot of gay etc men. I am a single heterosexual girl who has been mostly single for 14 years. I am 44 soon and I have tried to find a kind and supportive man who loves and wants to be loved, but they never do because they are screwed up. The men here have sex with other men and avoid me like the plague. The men here have sex with prostitutes and then call Me a whore?! It doesn't make sense to me. Yet they want me to love them so that they can get away with all of this. The last man I knew, called me his girlfriend and 3 days later had sex with someone else, blamed me and told me that he hated me, whilst hoping he could still live in my flat. I'm telling you, they are idiots!They want our love of course, so that they can carry on being mean whilst thinking that we are stupid and Cxxxx ??! I am not generalising. I have not met an honest man yet! Even Jesus admitted that he wasn't good, but now, isn't that a good man? Most men would never tell us that there is a possibility they could be bad to us. This is what makes them without Love! They are rejectors of True Love.You're loving nature is there for a reason. God places some of us in the right places to learn. I feel that this could be your lesson. You need to Love you. Love is not out there, it's in us. If a man can't support that, he is not worthy of love. He obviously doesn't have the stuff. But YOU DO my love!I have a picture by Mattisse in my room of Mary (the mother of God) sleeping by herself. I believe you are clever enough to see into that. I have spent many a night alone in my bed because men are beasts at heart, hence the snoring! he will only suffocate you. You are an intelligent woman, love this please. If a man comes along he should be adding to your love. Never taking away. Try to be happy sister. All is not lost. Lots of Love, Zara ????
...............................
|
