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Have I lost her forever? She has no patience left for me...

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2011)
A male United States age 30-35, *chellmer87 writes:

Ok so if you have read my other question you already know what has been going on somewhat, but for those who havent. My girl that i am madly in love with has decided she wants to know what its like to be single. To not have to worry about anyone but her self. It started off be her saying she wanted to still be together in the end and she just needed time and i didnt have to worry about her dating other guys. But I have been pushy even as hard as i try not to. I just love her so much and she was my best friend. Im lost without her. So after pushing to much she decided that it is best if she didnt tell me that she still loved me and wanted to end up together because if it didnt happen that would be giving me false hope. And she did want to be able to go out with other guys and date. She said she is not looking for a relationship of any kind but she wants to know who else is out there. This hurts and scares me so much! I try so hard not to bug her and give her space but it is just so hard for me. We were together for almost five years and I am just lost without her. She is now at the point were she has zero patience with me and gets furious when we talk. There is no sympathy and she just says that she wants to be left alone and not deall with any bull shit of any kind. It hurts so much that she seems just fine without me when I am hurting so bad. This has been going on for two months now and I just cant seem to let go. get over it. She says i cant bank on us getting back together and I cant wait around. I need to move on and do my own thing because she is going to do hers. I just dont know what to do. She doesnt tell me that she loves me anymore but she wont tell me that she doesnt either. She says that there is a chance that we will end up together because what is suppose to happen will happen. But she says I cant keep hoping and having it in my head that we will get back together. Have I lost her for good? Have I pushed her to far? How can one be pushed so far away by love. I want her so much the way she has always wanted me to. I dont get it...Has her feelings really changed from wanting to be with me and end up with me to really wanting it to be all over, period?

View related questions: best friend, get back together, move on, period

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A male reader, renshinkia United Kingdom +, writes (2 April 2011):

Hi, That's a powerful lot of pain you have there. You may not be able to hear this right now but, she has told you in the nicest way possible that it's over. That's no ones fault, just the way it is.

Love can be a wonderful thing, it can also be one of the most destructive emotions you will ever feel when it turns from love to obsession. Believe me, I have been there as have so many others. It hurts, you want the pain to go away and it wont, you want her to cal you and she wont.

She is not telling you that she loves you because she doesn't. It has clearly died for her, it's time for you to move on too.

There is no magic wand, no easy solution, just time and the knowledge that it will get better.

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A male reader, rolfen Lebanon +, writes (10 September 2008):

rolfen agony auntShe seems to be afraid of commitment... or maybe love has faded... any case LEAVE HER ALONE, ok? Make a plan on when u call her and stick to the plan, however you feel.

If you love someone, set them free, if they come back to you, they're yours forever.

If she comes back to you, then you're back. If she doesnt, the SHE HAS LOST YOU, not the other way round.

Believe me, trust peoples advice and common sense otherwise you'll be regretting it forever. You're not in a state where you can take spontaneous decisions yourself now.

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A female reader, Jia Canada +, writes (31 July 2008):

Jia agony auntMan, that's one tough situation you got there bud. As painful as it sounds, I don't think she's into you that much anymore. If she really loves you then no amount of pushing or nagging on your part could make her not love you. From what I can see she's taking you for granted. She's been with you for five years and has been loved and pampered by you after all, so I think she's a little bored of the monotony and sees you as a weight keeping her down rather than the devoted boyfriend you are.

I think you should take her advice and move on; no amount of begging is going to make her come back it seems, and you're just hurting yourself with delusions of her coming back anytime soon. She obviously doesn't appreciate how much you love her and maybe some time away from her will be just the thing to revive the relationship. You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well I'm not saying that you should use a girl just to get her back, but it would help. If you're with another girl, then maybe she'll come around and give you another chance, and if she doesn't then maybe she isn't worth the trouble anyways. Just a thought, I hate to see a guy like you suffering, there aren't enough of your kind on this planet and frankly, the world is suffering for it.

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A female reader, talker United States +, writes (31 July 2008):

talker agony auntWhen people break up there are a lot of feelings and thoughts that run through our heads. Some you have listed already. It's difficult but you have to understand that she has pretty much made her decision: she wants to see what else is out there for her.

Now, you can follow the old saying "if you let something go and it comes back..." etc. And you can continue to give her space and leave her alone, but it's not fair to you. You know what you want and she doesn't. Let me explain...a relationship involves two need to step back and give yourself time to take in what she has just said to you. Evaluate how it makes you feel and think about how the relationship made you feel. Be selfish, because that's what she's doing to you...think is this the person YOU want to be with? And now I know that at first ever love struck person will say yes, this can I ask that? It's so obvious. But, you need to re-evaluate the situation and wonder what it is about her that you can't live without and then think about how she's treating you right now. She might get back with you, she might not...and then she's telling you not to bank on it.

What I would advise you to do is...get your mind of her. Go out and work on you. Be selfish. She has just done something to break the happy relationship the two of you had...what can she do, if she comes back, to make it right with you. Because at this moment, she has broken your trust. How do you know, if you get back together, that she won't do the same thing again?

You are doing what anyone would do with someone that they were in love don't feel like this is completely your fault (although, as I said, relationships are 50-50).

And yes, some people's feelings can change from being completely in love with someone to not wanting to be with them. It involves many factors...but yeah, basically, it can happen.

Stay strong. Everything will be ok in the end. Whether you end up with this girl or not.

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