A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been on my own for a long time now. It has been bothering me for a while but it has only become a problem recently. I don't have particularly great coping skills and feelings of loneliness have become overwhelming. I really need to make some changes/progress. I am a college student and I hang out at this coffee shop frequently but haven't been able to make friends or attract anybody, I go to the gym at school about three times a week but nobody there wants to talk with me.I am 23but I don't really drink much. I have been considering going to a bar to meet people but I'm not sold on the idea. As stated I was wondering if any girls have done this? I worry about it possibly being dangerous going alone. I also don't really know how people interact at bars (if they go with friends and stick with those friends, if they go with dates, do strangers even interact with each other). Any thoughts on the idea are appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 In the UK, we have wine bars and pubs.. I have been to the pub alone, because it attracts an older and more quiet crowd, and is often based around communities and families. Pubs here are used by people who feel lonely, or just want to watch a sport event together, maybe play some social games or relax and meet the neighbours. Wine bars are different, they are more like places people go to party and find a partner of the opposite sex. They are not very welcoming to single people as they cater more for small and large groups and are more about talking and drinking only with your mates.
Pubs are good places to be when you are lonely, wine bars aren't, and girls alone look very strange on their own, and often get unwanted attention from men.
How about doing a course, some short thing, maybe on 6 weeks or so, or a full weekend session. They cost a lot of money, but you met all types of people there, and because you share the same interests, it's easier to make friends. Other than that you could try some voluntary work, or one of the clubs that specialise in chess, politics, saving the whales, or whatever is on offer. They usually have these somewhere on campus. Contact your students union for details of social activities going on.
Student bars are good places to meet people, you don't have to drink, you can read a book and maybe someone will invite you to play a game or join a discussion. Joining the students union and getting involved, also forces you to be social as you'll have to get involved and learn to talk to all types of people.
Church is good if your religious.. libraries and gyms are not good places to meet people. People in them are busy doing their own individual thing, and don't have time to talk. Same goes for coffee bars. People grab their coffee and then rush back to work or class.
What about the people in your class, isn't there anyone there, man or woman who you think you could get to like and go out with in a social (or romantic) way. In your class their will by other shy people who would love to find someone to be social with. Best way to meet people, is decide what you like doing, what interests you and then find where people who like those things go to and join them there.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Hey there. I am not a natural talent for socializing either. I do go to bars and clubs alone, I'll say that, but the city I live in has an environment for it. It varies from town to town and country to country, so I really have no idea what the clubbing environment is like where you live. Here where I live though it is perfectly acceptable to go out alone, and you always meet new people and old acquaintances when out.
However, I do not go dancing or drinking when I want to MEET people. Go out and drink if you want to get laid, or just chill and dance and talk for that one night, but you don't usually meet up with people you've been out with! It takes more than just one night/day of meeting for people to tie bonds.
What I do when I feel it is time to socialize and meet more people/make friends (and yes, I have it down to routine as I don't tend to meet people a "natural" way) is that I sign up for some volunteer working somewhere. If you want to meet young people your own age, signing up for work at a festival or concert work is a good idea. Or any sort of activity really that young folks tend to like. For example I don't particularly like concerts or music.. Im odd that way. But I signed up to work for free for a festival last summer and made several new friends whom in return have invited me to concerts and gigs and introduced me to a lot of fun people. Again, I don't like concerts much, but I go for the people and the conversations and just to get out of the door and have a social life. Today I was at a concert with these people, I got in for free because I know them (they arrange the concerts) and got to meet two very handsome artists from the UK, and might go out on a boat trip with them later this week and in a jacuzzi etc. All because I signed up to work for free at a festival I don't particularly care about.
The gym is a bad place to meet people. At the gym people are occupied with what they are currently doing. Coffee shops are not good either. You got to join activities or do things that demand you cooperate and interact with someone else. Like a work-environment where you need to work together with someone. I signed up for a second job at a bowling alley partly because I thought the people who worked there seemed very nice and it gives me free bowling, so another activity I get to do. I'm all for the freebees.
Another thing you can work at is talking to strangers. Picking up a conversation. To some it might be weird, but with others it will be welcomed. That's a hit and miss though, and something you need to practice to get right. But it helps you out a lot to know how to talk to strangers, because it makes you feel less awkward when you meet new people.
Also accept that everyone can't like everyone. There are some people you will not get along with, or who will not like you. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or that no one can get along with you. But it's a game of hit and miss. Some people you connect with, others you don't. When you make a connection with someone let time pass, don't be clingy, but also maintain the friendship. Do activities with your new acquaintances such as join them out on town, or join them at the coffee shop you like. Friendship is a bit like dating that way. You got to give of yourself and slowly process an acquaintance into a friend through activities and "dates".
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): A girl alone in a Bar gives out the wrong signals, unless you just want sex ofcourse.Safety wise its a bad idea.
If your a student then there must be people in your class you can approach, stuff to join so you have things in common.
The evening class I enjoyed the most was Jiu-Jitsu, I learnt self defence which is always good and as it was a mixed group,came into close contact legitimately with many men and women.You couldn't avoid talking.
Another idea would be to organise ' networking' outings, say a cycling route, learn cocktail making session,a pub quiz,curry night..there must be others who would like to break the ice - just post it on FB or put info up on college site.
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female
reader, Roxypuss +, writes (13 December 2011):
Bar isn't the best idea, people in bars are usually already out with friends. Alcohol makes people less considerate and 'friendships' made in clubs are gone the next morning usually. Maybe a pub would be okay but I mean assuming you're pretty socially awkward maybe wait till you're a bit more confident before you start making friends in these environments.Good places to start would be, maybe a book club or some kinda club that requires conversation. University societies, sports teams, video game tournaments, anime conventions or even night classes (added bonus of a new skill). Or get a part time job, a lot of people make their friends from work or attending education. Try saying hello to people in class and asking if you can sit there, if stuck for a subject to discuss you could always discuss what you just learnt.Finally have you tried the internet (e.g. okay cupid etc.)? It's easy to find people in your area, make sure you do it safely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): I used to think it was ok to go to a bar alone, but last time i was out alone, this man bought me a drink, and he said he wasn't trying to chat me up, but then this woman, who wasn't even his girlfriend or anything, started being cruel towards me, and i was frightened at the time incase she was going to be physicaly violent. Luckily, she wasn't ,and she even apologised to me later, but it has put me off going out alone again.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Don't go to a bar alone, especially as a chick. You can't drink enough to really enjoy yourself when you're alone, and every guy you talk to will consider talking to you a waste of time if you aren't looking to hook up.
Are you sure nobody at the gym wants to talk to you? Try talking to a guy. Target selection is key - if he's using the dumbbells, he's there to impress girls and would flirt with you; if he's doing deadlifts or squats, he's very serious about lifting and probably won't want any interruptions; if he's using machines, he's probably a nice guy who doesn't really understand fitness but would be open to talk.
Point is, you can meet a guy and start making friends through him and his friends - or maybe get lucky and meet someone worth dating.
I've flirted with plenty of girls in coffee shops, and they're usually pretty open about giving me a shot. Not sure about meeting same-sex platonic friends there, though. Can you try a more artsy coffee shop and talk about books?
Try joining a dance club. They're always mostly full of girls, and in my experience dancer girls are always very sweet. As long as you show up and don't look like you're competing for one of the very few guys, you should be able to make a few friends. Just introduce yourself and ask them about dancing, and their major, then carry the conversation from there.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I dont think a bar is the right answer here.
What about your classmates? Cant you strike up conversation with them? or if you see one of them in the coffee shop - go over and introduce yourself. Try talking about a recent assignment or upcoming exam...just to break the ice and get the conversation started.
Is there a team or club you can join which will help you socially interact with more people?
If this was about finding a boyfriend, I would have suggested going out with a few friends and then bringing other friends etc etc... that way your social circle widens very quickly.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 December 2011):
 if you are going to the gym and coffee shop alone and have not suceeded in making friends there, what are you going to do differently in a bar? presumably you fee like you and others will be more friendly because alcohol has loosened you up, which is probably true but not really a good basis to start a relationship or friendship. i am sorry but going to a bar alone can be potentially a dangerous thing to do. it makes you look lonely and unfortunately some people prey on lonely girls! i think you should make friends outside of bars and then go to bars with them. good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Hi
At a bar you aren't really going to be in the right setting for meeting friends. If people are in a group they do tend to stay in their group, they're at that bar with friends already to have a good time so generally arent looking for new friendships. Going on your own to a bar you would risk attracting guys who notice you are alone and if that were me I would be uncomfortable with that.
To be honest going to a coffee shop or up the gym isn't really the best location for meeting people. When I'm up the gym sweating it out on a tread mill I hardly talk to my friends, so would be less inclined to start a conversation with a stranger.
I think the best ways to try would be joining classes up the gym as that is slightly different especially something like yoga as people are relaxed and you can start a conversation about how tricky it is to balance or ask someone who looks friendly how they do it etc... As it breaks the ice. Also joining sports teams like netball, hockey anything really because you will be part of a team and getting to know your team mates is inevitable. You will find a lot of teams socialise together and so that might be a better route.
A friend of mine started going to dance classes on her own, to ones she specifically found which said you didn't need to attend with a partner and she has so many friends now that she has nights out with to dance events and goes for weekends away for dance classes. To her that was her best way of meeting new people. So if you have any hobbies and joined a class or a club it helps if you enjoy what you are doing as you will have more in common with the people you meet.
Hope some of what I said could be useful to you x
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (13 December 2011):
Like you mentioned, going to the bar as a female alone and without any friends is dangerous. Women who have done this have unfortunately been taken advantage of and have even become victims of violent crime.
There are other, much safer ways to meet new people and make friendships.
What are your interests? What are some issues you feel strongly about? Is there anything you would like to change in our world today? Jot down some answers to these questions then look for some local organizations that offer classes to further your interests. You can also do a web search for local non-profit organizations that share your ideals and are working towards making a difference about something you care about. Volunteer your time and energy to further a political campaign, or help out at an animal shelter, library, soup kitchen, etc.
Once you meet these new people, you are likely to find a friend or even a whole group of them to go out bar hopping or clubbing with. You will have an advantage forming friendships by working with people who are passionate about the same things as you.
Friendships form when like-minded people meet on common ground.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Perhaps try joining a co-ed volleyball team, or basket ball, even Murder Ball team. Play darts, pool? Bowling league? What about any local singles events?
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