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Has my boyfriend gone too far? He says its just porn but I've found him on swinger sites, looking up ex's

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 June 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Has my boyfriend of 8 years gone too far?

I have recently found my bf has been watching porn. He knows I don't like this but I could have got over that. But I have also found he has been on swinger sites, sites with a list of girls to date, his find my iPhone was disabled (says it was to cover up internet history) he had searched his ex and other women he knows to look at their pictures. Also he searched for one of the women out of the porn videos he watched on fb. And then when I confronted him he denied it and swore on my life. Now Iv proved it he says it's just porn and done nothing wrong?

View related questions: disabled, his ex, porn

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (25 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo you shouldn't just get over it, he is messing with your head that is all he is doing, how has it progressed since you wrote this post? Did use manage to sort it out?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2017):

Thanks for your reply. Yeah it's the lies for the whole 8 years of our relationship that is worse than anything so now I cannot believe him when he said he had no other intention than porn. And even if I didn't mind porn I would still mind the other things he had been on. He is still adamant that he has done nothing wrong except lie as all men go on them kind if sites for porn uses. I have told him I need time on my own to think , he is making me feel as though I'm going way over the top and I should get over it I just don't know x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2017):

Thanks for your reply. Yeah it's the lies for the whole 8 years of our relationship that is worse than anything so now I cannot believe him when he said he had no other intention than porn. And even if I didn't mind porn I would still mind the other things he had been on. He is still adamant that he has done nothing wrong except lie as all men go on them kind if sites for porn uses. I have told him I need time on my own to think , he is making me feel as though I'm going way over the top and I should get over it I just don't know x

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYeah it sounds like he is wanting to revisit the past experiences you had even though he knows you don't want to. I guess when you both experimented it opened a can off worms for him and now that is all that he can see. Personally for me it would be to much. The lies would be my main problem as I would find it difficult to trust him. A lot of men watch porn but not ALL men do, and most men if their partners had a problem they would stop watching it, so his excuses are pathetic. Looking up old girlfriends and swinger sites is not simply watching porn, he wants more!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2017):

Thanks for your answers, to me he has gone too far but he is making me feel stupid and saying it's just porn all men do it. Then I start and think am I going over the top. It's the lies that's he's told and the lengths he's gone to to hide it from me. I have found things before and broke up with him he begged and promised it wouldn't happen again but this time he hid it better and went further. I needs more opinions on if this is normal or if it is too far for most relationships? The last time I found things it was cuckolding and he told me about his fantasy and I balled his bluff and agreed to do this. I didn't think he would go through with it but he did(didn't force me) although I feel so different now and he promised and swore all that was done with. But he is also now searching cuckold wife need bull and things like that and it's clearly not for me and him as he knew it wouldn't happen again. So is he looking to be the bull for another couple?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017):

Thanks for your answers, to me he has gone too far but he is making me feel stupid and saying it's just porn all men do it. Then I start and think am I going over the top. It's the lies that's he's told and the lengths he's gone to to hide it from me. I have found things before and broke up with him he begged and promised it wouldn't happen again but this time he hid it better and went further. I needs more opinions on if this is normal or if it is too far for most relationships? The last time I found things it was cuckolding and he told me about his fantasy and I balled his bluff and agreed to do this. I didn't think he would go through with it but he did(didn't force me) although I feel so different now and he promised and swore all that was done with. But he is also now searching cuckold wife need bull and things like that and it's clearly not for me and him as he knew it wouldn't happen again. So is he looking to be the bull for another couple?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Denizen, he is full of shit.

Joining "swinger sites" is not "just porn" that is him looking to see what's available out there FOR HIM to partake in. Let's be honest because HE isn't going to.

Looking up exes, well it's no crime many people get the "I wonder what's up with Jane or Peter ?" itch on occasion. Doesn't mean they want to cheat.

I do find it a bit creepy that is looking up someone he saw in a porn - because porn is one thing - that is her JOB but he is looking for her OUTSIDE of her "job". why is that? That isn't "just porn" like he says either. That sounds like he is either stalking her or wants to get to know her in person.

Whether he has GONE too far is UP to you. DO you think what he is doing is OK in a long term relationship? Do you really thin that because he got caught he will stop? And if he stops can you really trust him? Maybe he just gets better at hiding it.

Swearing on YOUR life is easy, isn't it. It sounds GRAND but in reality, it means squat. He can swear on anything and it proves nothing.

You say you have been together for 8 years, how are things going?

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

Denizen agony auntHe is telling you porkys. What you do about it is up to you. How serious is it to you? Do you feel strongly enough about it to give him the boot or can you call him to heel over this. It depends on your relationship with him.

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A male reader, judgedick France + , writes (16 June 2017):

judgedick agony auntlooks like he has falling into the trap of thinking that what he see in porn is real and looking for other women to see if he still can "pull a bird"

does he talk about your sex life , does he talk about spicing things up , or is he saying nothing if so he is looking for other women to play away from home

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