A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone experienced fake friends? Ones that will do enough to be there but on their own terms. So I have a friend I have known since child, and he is actually very negative. If I don’t say something right, he will jump at it to steer it in a negative way. If I say work was tough, rather than asking I will hear from him “your work, your team, your efforts all rubbish, don’t even know why you stay at this place”So I thought that from outside perspective it must b bad. So when I move onto another job my friend said: “you should go back, they have good opportunities, I heard staff there are really doing well”Why? When he jus advised against it, In my head I realised I’m always chasing that approval. Because over 20 years you build trust that what the other person is saying is for the best for u and your well being. We often turn to friends during times of need or when we cannot make sense of situation. When I have had a clear head I think I always feel frustrated afterr sharing with him. Yet his life is perfectly displayed when it’s not, but I would not dare be negative because I don’t want to discourage, demotivate or upset someone when there is no need. Am I just weak?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): Yep, he's got a hidden agenda and most definitely saying things to confuse you'gas lighting' as code warrior explained. He is trying to change your own perception of things and doubt yourself, he is never going to approve of anything you say or do, because he is the one who is weak..not you, and he is the one who has low self esteem. Negative people are all around us and very close sometimes, we believe the ones closest o us and that is what makes it so confusing, they shape us in some ways. Here is your problem, he is shaping your self belief into a distorted version of your true self. Time to see your own strong qualities and make solid judgments about the things that matter in your life. You do not need approval and confidence votes, just jump straight in to your life's journey and dig what you do. I feel sorry for your friend he has issues. I used to have a few close people around me like this but it eventually became so obvious what they were doing that I just used to laugh and say' Yeh, right, ok then, until they got the message that there efforts to down me were not going to work. My sister sad but true was the biggest culprit, so imagine the confusion, it broke my heart and still does because I trusted my sister so much, she shattered my belief in family and loyalty to this very day. It's a terrible covert way to cause psychological harm to someone. He is not healthy to be around at this time, maybe he'll change but doubt it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 January 2019):
 I agree with the gaslighting. While it might just be HOW /WHO he is - as in he might not even be aware of it. To me it also sounds like a person who is jealous of others and thus gives advice NOT to help but to hinder. IF he feel he is competing with you he'd want you to NOT succeed as well as he does.
I don't see this person as someone who can TRULY offer friendship.
And while I know MEN (in general) like to offer solution instead of just listening. You have to ask WHY his advice is ALWAYS negative and leave you feeling frustrated afterwards.
I wouldn't trust this person with my "well-being" or anything else.Regardless of 20 years of history.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): You are still very young and getting rid of your childhood "friend" will be easier now than when you grow older.I speak from experience.Ask yourself this:Had you just met this person, would you develop a friendship?No?I didn't think so.There's however a bigger problem. Why, in the first place, do you put up with this?This may be a pattern you've developed and continue to use with other people and in other arenas of your life. I know I did. It took a lot of time and effort but I'm on my way of letting this pattern of behavior go.Just because you've known someone for a very long time doesn't make him a friend. Just because someone is family, it doesn't mean that he cares for you. Even when people do have your bests interests at heart it doesn't mean that they can help you with some problems you may be having.So, work on your self-confidence, widen your network of acquaintances and friends and get rid of all the negative influences in your life, parents, friends, cousins...
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