A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused1231986
writes:This is your typical good girl meets bad boy story...I have been with my partner for 3.5years and we live together. A year into the relationship, we were living together at this point, he found out I was seeing someone when we first started dating. I stopped seeing the other guy (who I had been seeing for a year, but not in a committed relationship because he worked away and was on a visa) after 2 dates with my now boyfriend. I don't consider this cheating as we weren't in a relationship, but with our age difference (he is 10 yrs older and has quite old fashioned views) , i think he still considers this cheating as everyone he has ever dated has always turned into a relationship. Anyways this took a big toll on my boyfriend, he couldn't cope with this information and started needing to know every detail about my sexual past and really violated my privacy in his quest to need to know everything, which to be honest i don't think is that bad, , it's not in the double digits. Anyways, he went into depression and stopped working. Now, 2.5 years later, he's still not working and I have been paying his mortgage, bills and everything on my own. He says he has anxiety around starting a new job, meeting new people, which is probably true but you have to work? I can't do it all on my own and I feel myself becoming quite resentful that he can't put his anxiety aside to help me out when he can see how stressed I am, we barely keeping our heads above water. I have a good career and am quite ambitious but he is content with a roof over his head and a nice car. I'm also quite social but he is happy just fixing things in the garage, he is a great handyman. I have concerns that he may be using drugs again, he takes to his bed for like 4 days and sleeps but I don't know if that could be the depression (he is on anti-depressants) I just get the feeling that he doesn't tell me everything. A bit of history on my boyfriend, he was with a girl for 8 years, they got married and after 6 months he found out she was cheating, this broke his heart. Then he went to jail for a year for dealing drugs to pay for the mortgage. Now I know reading this he sounds terrible, but he's not, he has a lot of unresolved issues that stem from his previous relationship and his parents. He can be very romantic, thoughtful, I love him and he is my best friend. I'm 29 this year, he is 38. I don't want to waste my time. Do I just cut my loses or do I suggest counselling?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2015):
 You just cut your losses and real fast. And stop paying his mortgage.
So, he's got issues, oh my oh my.
Everybody's got issues.
You've got issues too, if young ,intelligent , ambitious, a good girl with a good career- are contented to waste your money on a drug dealing gigolo.
Let's each of us worry about fixing our own issues before going around wasting our time and money fixing other people's issues.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): Sorry, you are paying for His mortgage?! Why not save up for your own?
Don't waste your time.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 March 2015):
He has a lot of unresolved issues so when is he going to resolve them? He is 38 and can't resolve his issue now, when is he going to resolve them?
I get that people in general have a lot of baggage, issues, problems and all these things but we always try to overcome them instead of letting them dictate our lives.
I do not think what you did was cheating and to make this an excuse to be depressed for his work seems a little over dramatic. But even so, 2.5 years of no job, no ambition, he is never going to get a job.
My take on the situation is that he is just recycling these issues because you are giving him what he needs and he has spilled his guts enough times that you now feel too sorry for him to leave him.
I do not think I need to give you any advice here because you seem quite fine and you are doing really great for yourself. It is just up to you if you want to live with this person for the rest of your life or not. If you do decide to stay with him, you can "try" to encourage him or have a calm but serious talk with him. There doesn't need to be any yelling and he can have some time to think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life. I think you can decide from there much better for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Phht! His "quite old fashioned views" didn't stop him dealing drugs nor do they stop him from being supported by a woman .......
You didn't cheat, he is using this as a tool to manipulate you into feeling bad, and so that you will, in an effort to assuage your "guilt" continue to support his lazy life style.
I agree with Honeypie, move out and care from a distance, let him sign up for Centrelink and start taking care of himself.
Tell him he needs to get his shit together, without your continued financial support.
A final word to you, YOU are not responsible for his failed marriage, you are not responsible for him dealing drugs and going to jail, you are also not responsible for the relationship he has with his parents.
HE needs to deal with these and come to some sort of resolution, while YOU need to start living your life, and looking towards building a secure future for YOU.
In my opinion this guy is a write off and this is a situation you would be well rid of.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Bad boy isn't the right description of him. He has a lot of baggage and found you to be the savior to his problems temporarily. He put you on the pedestal until one day he snooped and found out you are not so perfect, according to his standards. Getting all depressed over the fact that you did not wait your whole life to meet him as the first guy is extreme. You did not cause this. He was messed up along the way and waited for the right moment to snap. He also found an excuse to be lazy. Besides depression I won't be surprised to hear he as a diagnosis of some personality disorder.
You want to feel like working 2 years to support him is not going to end in vain. You also feel that because he has a gentle, beautiful soul that is super sensitive to the rough, outside world and therefore he needs to be protected, to your expense though. At one point you will realize there is a difference between loving a lot and feeling sorry for one self. Using drugs to cope, to get rick quick is also not about traditional values. As a stay at home man with a woman working outside that can hardly be traditional. It seems like he has one standard for you and another for himself.
At least the mortgage is not in your name so if this ends you just have to worry about moving out yourself and let God tend to him. You can still care for him, visit him but as self preservation you have to improve your own financial situation first. Having one less person to feed saves you a lot. You only consider long term with him again if he shows some responsibility towards the relationship. Or you can just say screw it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 March 2015):
 I would honestly cut my losses now.
I understand HELPING out paying bills but for you (or him) to be the SOLE breadwinner? No, not a BF/GF
And then the issues about violating your privacy, because HE DID violate it. IT really IS none of his business how many you slept with in the past.
And no, I would consider it cheating either. You ENDED "whatever it was" you had with the other guy when you realized you wanted to be with your BF. If you weren't DATING the other guy, how is it cheating?
It seems to me like your BF has a LOT of issues, ISSUES you can not fix. Not even with counseling. HE might be able to get a better handle on his issues, but I don't think he really wants to. Right now, he has YOU to take care of him so why should he "fix" anything about himself?
And he is 38. Seriously? Just a hew years younger then me and he is having his YOUNGER GF CARRY him financially, while he plays the "woe is me" card? For YEARS?
I think you need to cut lose. If you still care, do it from "afar" - as in, move out to something YOU can afford on your own. HE will either sink or swim.
You are ENABLING him to lay on the couch and DO nothing.
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