A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to be married next August, and although I do not have any doubts over whether it's what I want, or my fiancée feelings either, I'm just not excited about any part of it. Recently we have been seeing friends and family due to Christmas parties etc and they all keep asking about our wedding and our plans. I find myself quickly changing the subject. We got engaged last new year's and we began planning the wedding this summer. We have been together for four years, and I love him with everything I have. He is a beautiful, strong, hard-working man who I'm extremely lucky to have, but I can't bring myself to smile about our wedding. My friends are planning a hen weekend, and they keep asking me about places they are thinking of going, and while I try and get involved, I just keep saying I just want a surprise so I don't have to get involved. I haven't yet chosen a dress, and I let the bridesmaids choose their own dresses because I couldn't choose anything myself. My fiancée has noticed I appear to not be myself but he hasn't seemed to notice it's about our wedding. I feel a little bit like it's beyond my control. My parents have pretty much insisted we have it in my home town, not where I live, which has upset my fiancée's family, and his family have insisted we have the wedding in August because he has some family coming from overseas and it's the best time for them. I really want to be excited about this. I can't wait to marry my fiancée but if I had my own way, I'd just get married, no fuss. But I don't want to upset our families or friends who seem to be excited for us and our big day. My fiancée keeps mentioning his stag weekend, and as he works as a chef, constantly saying about the menu choices, cake, and the like. He has even sorted out the suits and the flowers he wants for buttonholes before I have even thought of what I'd like. I just need some advice or guidance in how to deal with all this. Thank you.
View related questions:
christmas, engaged, flowers, stag , wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2018):
 I was extremely excited for our wedding but I think that is because we both organised it how we wanted it and therefore we where both happy. Stop putting everyone else first and start putting yourself first. Your parents and his should not be making demands it is your and your fiancés day nobody else's. You need to be strong and say its not what you both want. You need to talk to him about this and sort it with both families.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2017): Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with feeling unexcited about a wedding. You are not alone! I feel the same way about mine, and my best friend felt the same about hers too.Personally, I'm not excited about the wedding and neither is my fiance because we are both introverts. We'd rather have a very simple and private affair, instead of the traditional loud and crowded celebration that is our societal norm.And after the experience of my brother's wedding and being bridesmaid twice for two of my closest friends, the logistics of wedding can be overwhelming. It can be exhausting to plan and execute the wedding when you have very busy lives too.I'm sure there's many soon-to-be-wed persons like you would just wish to get it over and done with. Just be honest with your hubby-to-be, thank him for sorting out the details of the wedding, and tell him that you can't wait for your new life with him after the wedding!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2017): To be completely honest, I have never heard of a bride "not being excited about ANY part of it" (a quote from your first line).
Sure, arrangements get overwhelming and some are tedious. Yes, families get pushy and compromises must be made.
But really...NOTHING interests you about this day? Not the dress, not the vows, not the music you choose....nothing?
I think that perhaps you have lost sight of the significance of the ceremony. Why did you want to get married in the first place and not just live common law? Usually it is because you want to 1) say sacred vows (whether or not you are religious, they are sacred either in religious significance OR simply out of your own making) and 2) celebrate with everyone that you are spending the rest of your life with this person you love! And making it official with all your friends and family!
To be honest this just made me so sad that you are so down about it....as it should be something that makes you both happy.
It made me wonder if perhaps somewhere deep down you are questioning whether it is a good match? On the other hand, perhaps you are going through some form of depression?
I know everyone has a different style, but are you really not excited to dress yourself for this day, be it in a big poufy ball gown, or be it in a blue suit, or anything in between...you don't seem to be looking forward to presenting yourself to your husband to be. Whereas he is looking forward to presenting himself to you....
All of which is to say I do think something is going on here beyond run-of the mill getting overwhelmed. I'm just not sure what. Only you can tell through a lot of soul searching what might be underlining your complete nonchalance.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 December 2017):
 First of all, congratulations for not having immediately gone all out Bridezilla on everybody ! Relax, you are normal. Or, at least, if you are " dysfunctional " :) it's a kind of dysfunctional which is shared by a whole lot of soon-to-be brides.
I blame reality TV. You know, all those shows where the bride goes to choose her wedding gown accompanied by a cast of thousands, and there's a lot of drama, and everybody cries, faints, argues, and waxes lyrical.
Very funny, but that's not how real life works. I've never seen anything like that IRL, and I've seen many weddings by now. Many brides do not have the time or the mindset to make their whole life revolve around their impending wedding, or to consider the choice of the right cake topping or the right appetizers as a matter of life or death. The practical organization of a wedding in all its details can be fun, at times- and can also be, more often, tiresome, stressful, frustrating , particularly for someone who works full time and will actually resent having her precious little free time chipped away by having to meet the florist, the caterer, etc. etc.
Most brides ( all, hopefully ) are excited about getting married because that means they get to be forever ( hopefully ) with the one they love !, but wanting them all hot and bothered about the choice of a size for the invitations, or a colour for the tablecloths....... well, some do and some don't, and it's Ok both ways.
Plis, I think you answered your own question. You are not that excited because you have already had to compromise ( .. and that's normal too, when you get married often you must / want make other people happy beside the bride and groom ) on what you really wanted. If you could have had it your own way, you'd just had gotten married, no fuss, simple and easy. Now you have already had to accept a location that other people chose, and a date that other people chose... I think it's normal if deep down you feel that, since other people is so willing to get involved, might as well to get involved totally, and take away from you the hassle and fatigue to attend to all the details.
Don't worry, and do not feel that you have to act and react in a certain way because that's the template for the perfect bride. It's your wedding, and you do YOU. When I got married , I remember that I planned very carefully and lovingly my honeymoon in Mexico, because THAT was I was excited about, and for the rest I delegated as much as possible to everybody and his sister - like, I left the caterers total free reins in choosing the menu, ( within my budget ) because it was indifferent to me having the guests eating, say, chicken rather than fish . So sue me.
OTH, if you feel unwilling or unable to take care of all the many (...pesky ) details which organizing a wedding involves, AND you still, though, aspire to a picture-perfect wedding , with everything " just so " and all the relatives ooohing and aaahhing...you can consider hiring a wedding planner, it will cost you more, but they have eye, experience and know-how, and the best ones are great at coming up with something that's totally " you " and is exactly what YOU want- even if you did not quite know yourself what you wanted.
That has a certain cost, of course, but for the apprehensive, overwhelmed bride avoiding so many headaches may be absolutely worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 December 2017):
 Oh sweetheart. Sending hugs. You sound totally overwhelmed with everything and you need to share this with your husband-to-be. You need to sit him down and tell him EXACTLY how you feel so you can work out together how best to proceed so that you start to actually look forward to the big day.
In an ideal world, you would have the wedding YOU want - a quiet affair somewhere, with no fuss or bother. While the two most important people on the day are you two - not family or friends or anyone else - they all want to share your day and be happy with you, so, unless you are not bothered about upsetting them (which I am sure is not the case), you need to at least meet them half way.
Tell your friends how you feel too and ask them to take over the hen party arrangements so that you don't have the stress of that as well. Just tell them you are feeling totally overwhelmed with everything and need help. Tell them you trust their judgement and that they will arrange something you will enjoy, then step back and leave them to sort it out. True friends are always happy to step in to help a friend in need. LET them help you.
Who do you trust to help you make choices like your wedding dress and the food? Get them involved and ask for help. Don't feel you have to do this on your own. Allowing the bridesmaids to pick their own dresses was a great idea. I have lost count of the number of friends who have complained about the dresses they were "expected to wear" as bridesmaids. At least this way you know they will like what they are wearing.
Don't stress about everything being perfect on the day. As long as you and your fiance tie the knot, and everyone has a good day, that is all that matters.
If all else fails and you really cannot see light at the end of the tunnel, elope and come back married! People will get over it. It's always an option.
Good luck. I hope you enjoy your day - whatever you choose to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (20 December 2017):
I know how you feel. My wife and I were married this year and although we very much love eachother, and are now genuinely happy to be married to each other we were not really terribly excited about the marriage itself. It just seemed to be a massive industry to take money from you. I think that it's healthy to have the attitude. I found it helpful to remember that it's the promises you make to your husband in that hour before the expensive bit that really matter. The rest of your lives is what will make you happy. The rest is fluff. That being said, be sensitive to your family about the day. You should pay attention to what they ask- particularly if they are paying, it's just courtesy and you should be grateful that they are interested and want to engage- it's a happy problem and so many aren't that lucky. If you are paying, do what you like!
Your fiancé sounds cool. He's pulling his weight. Obviously he's keen for the food to be good, and he wants to look good for his wife so pay him the respect of engaging too! Make a list of the decisions you have to make, give them a mornings thought, have a reason ready for why you chose it just in case someone asks, and put it to bed! Remember your wedding day is just a day! It's not weird to treat it like that. Give a lot more thought to the vows and your life with your husband and a happy life you'll lead! But! Be kind to those who want it to be a great day, they are thinking of you in their own way. And if they aren't and it's some big show they want then fine, let it slide- you know what's really important.
...............................
|
