A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year and a half now, and this has largely been a very happy period of my life. I was conscious when entering into a same-sex relationship that difficulties may arise, and was both surprised and hugely appreciative that my family and friends were fully supportive. I have also never experienced problems within the general public towards my relationship, and feel very lucky. It is unfortunate that, despite this, my girlfriends immediate family continue to provide agro.I could give direct examples but I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. The mum and sister are malicious gossips who like to spread lies and rumours about a person to their entire family in order to turn them against them. The mum idolises the brother who sits around all day playing x-box pigging out and gambling - food and money wasted that is not offered to my girlfriend. The dad, despite recognising ill-treatment, does little to stop it in order to have an 'easy life'. He believes that it is easier to control myself and my girlfriend than it is to criticise the mums behaviour, and tries to keep the peace by agreeing with the mum to her face. The rest of the family have an awful perception of me based on these lies.So far, I have done little to fight these claims. I ignore them, take them, and have only ever tried to be polite. I find it difficult to say more because I stay at my girlfriends house and I feel that I have to respect the fact it's her parents house - and so endure abuse. Recently I have been more vocal, I was branded manipulative and controlling, and began sarcastically shouting back - which led to me getting told off by the Dad. When the mum commented that she could have got a lift off of me I ignored her - which led to me being called very rude and disrespectful, a fact now accepted by her family.I don't know what to do. If I avoid the house then I feel like they've won. Likewise if I end the relationship, I feel like they've succeeded in their aim. However if I fight back I'm made to seem the aggressor. Furthermore, when I move out, and if my girlfriend comes with me, they'll abuse me in my own home, and that's a prospect I can't live with - if I then exert control and then ban them, I'm then being controlling and manipulative. I just feel like it's a battle I can't ever win.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 You say that you stay at their house, right? Does that mean that the two of you *live* there? If a fight is over whether or not you give the mom a lift, that sounds unlikely unless you live there. So why are you there? Why are you two not staying with your parents in a much better environment?
I agree with Honeypie - avoiding the house doesn't give them a "win". The two of you need a place of your own or to be with your family.
I also know that the mom has a very strong personality, which is why the dad and everyone else, including your girlfriend, defer to her. To handle her, you need to not compete. To look at things in terms of a "win" will ensure that you will lose. She has the advantage because it is her house and family. However, your true goal should be to keep the peace and love your partner.
That does not mean that you need to roll over. You have an advantage in her maternity. How would she react knowing that her words about you are daggers in her daughter's heart? How would she feel knowing that her competition with you was tearing her own daughter? You and she love the same woman in different ways.
Also, communicating with a strong personality takes courage. Use her own strength against her. Sarcastic comments, asides, and displacing are tools of the weak. If you are strong, you will talk directly and levelly. Meaning, you look her in the eye and say "I love your daughter. We don't have to like each other, but we have common ground in our love for her, so the ugliness on all sides to and about each other needs to stop for her sake, because it hurts your daughter's heart to see her mother and her partner tear each other up."
She will want the last word because that is what strong personalities want. You'll have to decide whether or not you want to compete for that last word, or whether you walk. If she gets really ugly and calls you names or adjectives, calmly and evenly tell her that her ugliness reflects on her and that you love her daughter and refuse to engage at that level. Open the door for civil talking.
If she levels specific charges as to why she is calling you things, use verbal aikido - don't get defensive. If they call you rude and disrespectful, tell her that is not your aim. If she starts calling you manipulating and controlling, ask her what makes her say that. Ask her what, specifically, did you do to generate that. Here's the thing, if there's truth to what she is saying, you need to be self-aware enough to acknowledge it, because one reason your girlfriend may not be stepping in is that on some level, she may agree. You may be clashing with the mom because you're very alike and need to win at the cost of truth and more heartbreakingly, at the cost of your partner's heartbreak.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Well maybe they don't have a good perception of you, but also your perception of them is not that stellar . You may be right, but still is not your place to decide how they should treat their children in their own house , in which you are a guest, and who ?? should get THEIR money etc.etc. If you don't like it, move out and offer your gf the option to follow you ,if she too feels she is being neglected and disrespected.
As a matter of fact, they sound pretty easy going to me. You SHOUT back sarcastically because you don't like their criticisms ? , and ignore the lady of the house when she asks something, ... what did you expect , a round of applauses ? Had it been me, you would have been out by the scruff of your neck.
It does not matter that you feel you have been provoked, or that you have ACTUALLY been provoked- these folks are still way older than you, the parents of your girlfriend, and the people who right now are kindly putting a roof over your head. If taking these things into account does not help you to keep your cool, then leave. You don't have to stay there , if you don't like the atmosphere/ family dynamics.
For the rest I agree with Honeypie, nobody wins and nobody loses because there is nothing to battle about. There is a basic incompatibility, a basic dislike between you and certain people, and it's easily solved if you just don't socialize with them. You can date your gf meeting her outside , or bringing her to YOUR parent's home. If you and her will go live together and share a place as equals, I don't think you would be entitled to ban access to her relatives if she wants them to come, because that would be as much her house as yours. But you can easily organize and agree that they'd visit only at times / days when you are/ can go somewhere else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Interesting that your girlfriend is a silent party in all this. The onus is on her to speak to her family and let them know how they hurt her by treating you unfairly.Also, you're not obliged to go to their house regularly. Once in a while is fine. You kill them with kindness and let the insults roll off your back because a shouting contest is not going to make anyone better off. Getting a house with your girlfriend is really the best idea in your situation. In your house, you can be assertive and let them know that you do not appreciate their disrespect under your roof. They are welcome, but you should assert yourself and show that in your house, sly remarks are not ok.Your girlfriend is the one who should be really saying that is not acceptable and defending you every time! She can tell them off without losing their love plus she chose you and she should not let her family abuse you like this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 January 2014):
 I don't think you will "lose" if you avoid their house, I can't see why YOU should just suck it up however, even IF they are rude and obnoxious - you yelling and shouting because you get your feelings hurt, isn't right either and it's getting you NO where.
I would tell your GF, if you want to spend time with me, it has to be outside your home, I can't deal with that constant drama.
Also how they spend their money (on food and xbox or whatnot) is actually none of your business. I understand you want to look out for your GF but if she is over 18, she needs to start taking care of herself.
As much as it sucks you will have to accept that THIS is her family and THIS is how they act. It is not your job to "change" her family and it's not their job to accept you. It would be nice, but obviously, they do whatever they please.
Not everyone are tolerating and good people. It's a fact of life.
Be glad YOUR family is good and loving.
Also, maybe TALK to your mom about how you should handle the situation.
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