A
male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are trying to get through a bad time, basically last year we broke up for 6 weeks and in that time she was with 3 other people.In that time I never stopped thinking about her, but she was out having a good time and sleeping around.She met up with me 6 weeks later and was a changed person. We were so happy but 8 months later I found out about these people and have been finding it difficult getting through it but we're trying.She wants to stay in contact with these guys, although they were drunken one night stands, they are in our group of friends. One guy helps her out with her singing and she wants to carry on going to see him. She says it's 100% professional but I don't want to have any thing to do with these guys.Am I being unreasonable? I realise we had a 6 week break but I'm hurt that she came back to me, hid the truth from me and can't understand why i'm upset about it and want to put it all behind me. I don't want to see these guys and although I feel uncomfortable about her seeing them, and I've said I can't support it, I haven't told her what she can and can't do.Should she put my feelings before her needs of seeing these guys, particularly the one involved in her singing? Or is this something I will get over in time and be happy with?Thanks for your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell... she refused to not see him, nor the other guys. I can't believe after 2 years she chose what she has.
Gutted. In reply to the other post I am going to see a councellor next week and get over this. I am devistated that things worked out like this, i can't believe i got her so wrong. I really wanted to work through this :(
Thanks for all your replies people.
A
female
reader, persepheth +, writes (9 May 2006):
It sounds to me that you are being very understanding and trying to get through this but it is not something she wants. Personally I don't see how a relationship can continue if her one night stands are still in the picture.Relationships can get through something like this, but both people really need to work together for it to work. I think she needs some counseling and you do too. From the way you described things it doesnt sound like you are being a control freak, it sounds like she is not willing to compromise or understand your feelings at all. You should ask yourself why she is getting so angry at you when you haven't actually done any thing wrong; she is the one that has.You can't keep on giving her chances to act the way you want her too. I don't know the circumstances of why any of this happened but the important thing is how you both deal with the issue now and she is not acting in the way you want her to. I think you know what to do.Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): Has this kind of thing happened before?
I don't want to upset you but your girlfriend obviously have some emotional problems to be acting like this. i suspect this isn't the first time shes gone looking for attention from other men and it won't be the last.
i dont know everything about your relationship but if she loved you, she would not want anything to do with these one night stands either. she certainly wouldn't be choosing one of them over you. Like a reader said. she has plenty of other options for her singing.
you have to ask yourself, if you did this to your girlfriend, would you react in this way? would you shout at her and tell her you are going to continue seeing your one night stand "mistake" or would you put yourself in her shoes and understand how upset she must feel and do everything you can to reassure her how much you love her?
you also have to ask yourself why she went with three guys so quickly, and why she came back to you, hid it from you, and is not wanting to put it in the past. if you had been split up for longer, perhaps you could understand her being with other people. But. I would say sleeping with 1 other person is forgivable. It seems it took her 3 people (practically every weekend) and by the looks of it the emotional reasons behind this are far from being fixed. i think there is more to this than meets the eye and she has a lot more stuff going on in her head.
you seem like a caring and supportive guy who has done the right things, dont get trapped in to this relationship. you've given it a chance, shes obviously not on your side. therefore i think its time to move on and let some other guy deal with her issues. Take care. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI emailed her about this and I told her that I don't want him my our life, I told her that I want her to email him, explain the situation, and to tell him that she doesn't want to see him any more. I then said I wanted to read her email myself.
I told her that to get over this, I would concentrate on going out with her other friends, but that the friends involved in her one night stands I want nothing to do with.
I told her that I would support and encourage her singing, but her response to all this was to refuse, to say I am a control freak and that her singing is important to her and I am being unreasonable in these "conditions"
She kept on shouting at me so I told her Goodbye and hung up on her.
Is it time to call it a day?
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A
female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (8 May 2006):
 I think the way your girlfriend is behaving is wrong if she wants one night stands anhe whouldn't have committed herself to you. and no I doi not think you are being unreasonable
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): If this woman loves you it's a very warped version of love. Personally I wouldn't stand for that kind of behaviour. If you have any self respect you shouldn't either.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (8 May 2006):
 In a 6 week break she was with 3 people? This is a high number and it sounds to me that this girl has little self respect. Three drunken one night stands on a six week break from your partner shows a lack of dignity and self esteem.
I think you have been very understanding and I don't think you are being unreasonable here. She should have the decency and respect to understand that this situation makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable.
The fact she was not upfront when you got back together is simply not good enough and I understand why you are hurt and distrusting of these guys.
I think that you can sweep your feelings under the rug but that will just lead to more resentment and mistrust, it already sounds like you harbour resentment for her sleeping with other guys on your break and that is understandable,it was only six weeks and three guys in a six week break from your boyfriend does seem a bit much.
I think the two of you need to work out a solution and I think that she needs to compromise a little bit here.
You don't have the right to tell her what to do and who she can't see but she is not showing you much consideration or respect.
Surely he is not the only who can help her with her singing?
I think that you two need to really address these issues and I think that you need to really forgive and forget or reach some compromise or it will all end in tears.
I know what I would do but that is me. You need to do what is right for you but stand your ground and make sure that you are happy with the arrangement too.
Good luck
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