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Girlfriend of 4 years cheated, I forgave and she's still cheating! I'm afraid to leave home anymore

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2016)
A male Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey guys,

Im new to this kind of thing however i don't know where else to turn to for this so figured it's time to ask here. so right to it...

Me and my gf have been together for over 4 years now... we've had our ups and downs like anyone else. About a year ago i discovered she had been cheating on me after we relocated to a different part of the country.

Turns out that while i went to work she would invite this guy over to our home... Things happened... and i found out about it and after a week i decided to let it go out of the amount of work already poured into the relationship and i loved her so there was that.

I became very insecure and always have had that churning feeling in my stomach when i know something is on going on. So i began snooping around... yes i snooped cause i just knew there was something going on... to my dismay i discovered she was still talking to this one guy who she had over before... i lost my mind for a few mins... but retained my composure... Out of some screwed up feeling of whatever... i forgave yet again... i've tried and tried and tried to trust her again... but i just can't after it's been shattered but i've bene trying none the less.

Just the other night while at work i came home to her computer still open and low and behold... she had recently signed up for yet another dating site... one of which contained fake pictures...and another .... So i love this girl... probably more then i should... but i try so damn hard to make things go right... im a really great guy... i do anything for anyone... i help wherever i can and i fight for what i love... in this instance i don't know what to do... im afraid to leave my home as i don't know who the hell will be in it later... it's affecting me looking for work anymore as again i feel like i can't leave this house... i dont trust her anymore...at all... I really don't know what to do anymore....

View related questions: at work, insecure

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI hope you find the strength to stay away from her, not only have you lost al, trust but staying with her will effect your whole life, your health aswell. I really hope you have the strength to stand up for yourself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

thanks guys for the response.... i know in my heart what needs to happen... i will take the advice of all of you... thank you.... it's gonna be rough but i didnt ask for this... i know it needs to be done... i really can't go on living like this... it has to end somewhere... so ill do what needs doing thank you all once again...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

Once trust is lost, its very hard to regain it. If she is not putting the effort in and trying to regain YOUR trust, then she doesn't want it. If you have kept your side clean and she has done this twice, you may have too look at why. I would say leave her, she has done it twice already, it is almost guaranteed that she will do it again. But if you love her and cant leave her, try a different approach. Sit down with her and try talking. Ask why she does it. That may shed some light on if its you or her, however you both have to be completely honest. Then at least you both have some kind of stepping stone to find your way back. Be advised, this could hurt you alot.

All the best. I hope she realizes what she has and holds onto it this time.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

The most important part of loving someone is that they love you back.

Your love has turned into possessiveness and you've crossed over to obsession, my friend. You are now defying logic and can't seem to see she wants out; but perhaps she knows you will not let her go. So she will cheat, and you will suffer trying to hold on.

Forgiveness does not mean you blindly dismiss the wrongs that are done to you. You will become so emotionally damaged that it will become unhealthy; and that could lead to serious acts of desperation. It won't be long before the frustration and distrust gives way to rage.

It is time you man-up and let her go. You are holding her against her will, and she is doing everything she can to push you to break. If she can't make you let her go, she will force your hand to do something foolish or dangerous. Do you not see how she is playing this against you?

You now have to listen to reason; because what she is doing is no longer cheating. It is an act of rebellion and defiance. She will not allow you to keep her from someone she would rather be with, or her freedom. You are very stubborn. From the way you describe it, you're not making any sense.

If you can't let her go, she will continue to find a way to be with the man she has chosen anyway. Your love is not supposed to be a chain around her neck; and you cannot force her to be faithful.

I believe she has proven over and over that she does not wish to be faithful to you; she is demonstrating to you that there is no way to stop her. You are pushing this in a very very unhealthy way.

Staying home to keep an eye on her is tantamount to holding her hostage. If you can't trust her, how can you love her?

Being a martyr, sucking it up, and forgiving every-time she betrays you is foolish. She is beginning to break you down. You've lowered yourself to snooping and trying to force her to bend to your demand that she be faithful, and love you as you love her. It isn't working, and you're getting a little crazy.

Please don't say you don't know what to do. You do. You are already in tremendous pain; so letting her go is the start towards getting over her and moving on. Being in total denial and trying to convince yourself forgiving her will make her stop is childish thinking. You are a man, not a boy. I have to be blunt, your heart is broken, and you are emotionally distraught. You're not presently in the state of mind to act on common-sense. It's your feelings and you love deeply. Unfortunately, you've learned those feelings are now misplaced.

You should read all the advice we have offered; and comeback to let us know your thoughts and feelings. You have to keep a cool head, and yield to reason. We're here for you.

I am not insensitive to how you feel; because you have invested so much in your relationship. If she doesn't respect you or your feelings; and continues to cheat, what is the reason or logic behind trying to keep her?

If you want to protect your heart and regain your strength; you will have to put yourself first, and give her up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

"we've had our ups and downs like anyone else."

Standard Dear Cupid disclaimer indicating a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship. Committed, stable, mature couples do not have "ups and downs," what few minor disagreements they may have are quickly resolved in the spirit of mutual respect and consideration for each other.

"I really don't know what to do anymore.... "

Accept the reality that your so-called-girlfriend is playing you for a sap and respond accordingly. She's content to continue making a fool of you for as long as you're willing to let her, which would appear to be indefinitely.

That you continue to profess "love" for a lying, cheating wench who obviously has zero respect for you suggests you have significant self-esteem issues and I suggest you seek counseling to address them.

Behaving like a cowering, spineless wimp is only going to encourage her to walk all over you. Grow a pair, dump her, and take control of your life.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (30 October 2016):

N91 agony auntThis isn't healthy.

She didn't change her ways after you caught her the first time and she doesn't seem like she has any intentions of doing so. You need to leave her because it's not going to get better.

Of course it will be hard because you love her, but how can you go on like this not knowing when she could cheat again? You need to start putting yourself first and be with someone who's as comitted as you are. No on deserves to be cheated on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

Hi

There is only one option. This isn't a relationship. It's nowhere near what a relationship should be like.

If you are worried that when you leave the house there will be another man in there soon having sex with your girlfriend then you will destroy yourself if you carry on with this. And you know what? Your girlfriend couldn't care less. Knowing and realising this may help you to extricate yourself from this torture.

She is sitting in the house you share together looking for other men. ACTIVELY LOOKING for someone else to let into her knickers. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but the sooner you see her for what she is, the quicker and easier you can untie this union and start to be happy again with someone who wants you and only you.

Take back some self respect and some power and realise that she IS NOT the be all and end all of life and when you meet someone you are truly happy with, who respects you, you will wonder why on earth you stayed with this person for so long.

Toughen up and get rid of her. In life these things sometimes have to be done. I have finished two relationships in my life where I was still 'in love' with the man I had to end it with. Really difficult, but guess what? You will return to happiness within a few weeks, sooner maybe if you can stop looking at her through rose coloured specs. Cos she really isn't all that. In fact, she sounds pretty awful.

Good luck x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

Once trust has been broken in a relationship it's really hard to come back from. You'd expect both parties to work really hard at it if they were genuinely concerned about putting things right.

This doesn't seem to be your girlfriends approach and whilst you may love her she is hurting you and being very selfish.

If you carry on together you will always have questions about what she's up to and that's no kind of a relationship- it's unhealthy.

I wish you the best in finding someone who has your best interests at heart.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntStop forgiving her and end it.

I GET that you love her, but she isn't really respecting you OR the relationship. The fact that you forgave her once, didn't make her stop cheating. Which means she felt NO remorse.

And you forgiving her made her do what? Cheat again. She has emotionally checked out of the relationship.

YOU need to understand that you can LOVE someone and NOT live with them anymore.

YOU need to understand that your relationship is no longer healthy. Trust is gone. Respect is gone. Next will be love.

Your relationship is now ruled by fear from your side and absolute disregard from hers.

What you spend 3 years building is no longer there, no longer functioning. WHY invest ANY more time, money and emotions into this disaster? Why not see it for what it is? A toxic and broken relationship.

Want more for yourself. Expect more of a partner.

OR you can keep "forgiving" and she will keep cheating.

The ONLY person you hurt by forgiving her over and over - is YOU.

Maybe it's time to put YOU first?

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