A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Girlfriend just told me she doesn't find me physically attractive? Said she loves me and is emotionally connected to me, therefore she is into me physically. Said she sees her life with me. But just that it's not a sexual thing. I'm really confused and rather hurt. We have a fantastic sex life. So I don't know what to make of this. Please help. I've never had a girlfriend tell me she isn't sexually attracted to me. We've been together about a year and a half. Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2013):
 OP, I'm not 100% sure I'm following this correctly but let me tell you about my feelings for my husband.
He's adorable to me. I want him. I love him... but when I met him it was NOT about his looks and it's still NOT. He is basically odd looking... he wears his hair military short and he's not military. He wears glasses... he dresses horribly on a day to day basis (he cleans up well as needed) his teeth are not great... (at least he has them) he's not that tall, he's not muscular or anything remotely handsome in a classical way and yet he's my heart and soul and I look at him and feel all warm and cozy and I wanna love on him. I LOVE HIM... warts and all.
Perhaps what your lady is saying to you is that she loves you for YOU and not for how you look and that is a GREAT thing because over time looks fade, weight is gained, butts and chins sag... gray takes over all your hair... and you are not the young handsome stud you were when she fell in love... if the reason she loves you is how you look more than how you are, then the reason to love you has faded as well.
You say you have a good sex life... does she? if you both have a good sex life, then I think the issue is your pride is wounded because you want her to think you are the hottest thing since sliced bread but I will tell you that relationships based on that fade and die.
I would rather be with my current husband who we agreed that it was a wise thing to marry. We did not marry out of a red hot passion... it was more of a "we work well together and our quality of life is better together" yes we love each other but not because of how we look... but over time the love based on the internal stuff has led us to see each other and our faces light up.
I'd rather have what I have now with him than a love that's going to fade as my butt sags with age.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso my girlfriend has a history with eating disorders. I wouldn't really call it a history so much as it is still a problem today. I used to play soccer in college so I was always extremely fit. Granted I am nothing like I was in college in that was a long time ago. But I am NOT overweight and massive or anything. so this just really caught me off guard.
I guess it just hurt my pride way more than anything. I have never had a woman that I was with makes me feel so unattractive. Especially when I know that I can be considered attractive to most other women.I can't help but feel like she's nit picking me because she nit picks herself. she always criticizes her small and her weight because she thinks she's fat even though she's small. I didn't think she applied the same principle to me but apparently she does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason she offered me dating other people is because when she said she loves me but isn't sexually attracted to me, I got upset and told her I get hit on rather frequently by other people who can appreciate me for my physical appearance. Hindsight maybe not the best comment, but I was really hurt. However, it is true. I do. So then she told me I should date them and see if they make me feel better and more secure. She said looks are nothing to her but if that matters that much to me, then go see. She said she didn't want to be with other people. She knew she wanted me. but since I may want to be with other people, based on my comment, that I should take a few weeks or month and decide what I want. She says she's confident I would come right back.
I don't want to date other people. I told her that. But I also don't want to feel ugly. All I want is to feel desired by the one person I want to feel desired by. she told me in no way does she find me ugly. And she confirmed sex was great. She just said that her love for me is what makes her so happy in our relationship. but I can't help but feel bad and sort of cheated. No woman I've ever been with has ever told me they don't find me attractive. I knew my exes were attracted to me. It's not like I think I'm the hottest thing to ever walk the earth. But I don't think I'm undesirable, either. I DO get lots of attention from women. And I think it's human nature to want to feel desired. But I don't want the attraction from other women. I want it from my gf. I don't want to be with them. But I don't know if I can feel secure knowing I don't do it for her at all.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 She basically does not find you attractive but she loves you on an "emotional level". The question I have if she is so in love with u, why the hell would she be okay with you dating other woman while she waits at home. I don't think she is into you, you did not give much of her history here to understand if she has baggage and settled for you because she finds emotional security with you?
I would not want to share the man I love with any woman. Maybe take a break from this relationship and let both of you figure if what you getting from this relationship is enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): Well, try and go for a run or walk for an hour twice a week up hills, and you'll be fitter in no time also consider wearing something more risquee than you'd usually wear. I wasn't sexually attracted to my girlfriend but I was emotionally connected to her, except I didn't tell her, and she never knew because I gave her regular sex even though I wasn't particularly fancying it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cerberus. That response helped a lot. I know she's emotionally connected to me. I know she loves me. She even offered to let me go out and date either women while she only dates me to let me see if I would rather be with a different woman who finds me sexually attractive.
Thing for me is that looks don't matter to me in the way it matters to a typical woman. I'm not super feminine and feed off of my looks. But I do want to feel desired. Maybe that is a woman trait. I wanted to be someone she loved emotionally and also someone she found sexy. But she says she doesn't find me sexy. Just emotionally.
Anyway, thanks for the good advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): You're not crazy OP, you're a woman and as such are obsessed by appearance and the need to feel pretty. Forgive my generalizing and stereotyping but it's true.
Not being told you're the most amazingly beautiful creature she's ever seen is going to sting, because you're a woman and you like to live in the bubble of that supposedly being something that really matters.
It doesn't.
OP when I met my wife and we started dating I was short, fat, bald, she was much younger than me and frankly while she didn't think I was ugly she didn't go weak at the knees for me either. She was into the mop haired, skinny rock guys kind of men. I was nothing like those. If I'd asked her out before she got to know me she would have said no without hesitation.
It was during our friendship that she grew connected to me, grew to love me, grew to view my appearance as something she loved and adored. If she didn't know me and love would me she lust after me? No she wouldn't, but I don't need her to my ego isn't that fragile. I know what we have means more than just a physical attraction and I know she is physically attracted to me even if it that has more to do with the person I am than how I look, frankly I wouldn't have it any other way. Looks fade, that kind of connection can be unbreakable.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 November 2013):
Wow, that's a backhanded compliment to give you.
Something along the lines of, "I don't find you physically attractive, but because I feel connected to you, you're attractive to me."
I know what she's talking about, BUT this is something she's supposed to keep to herself! She shouldn't have told you that. Even though what she was saying is her love for you isn't just superficial, she loves the person you are and that's what makes you attractive...it's actually kind of hurtful, which is what you're feeling.
I don't think you have to worry about her going anywhere. You might just have to let this one roll off your back, unless you really feel like you want to tell her that it kind of hurt your feelings. Sometimes women forget that men care about their looks too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just literally never had a woman tell me this before. She made reference to my weight, which I'm far from huge but not tiny, either. But I've always been considered attractive and never had problems with women. I've always had a positive self image.
I don't know what to do. I get lots of attention from women. I get phone numbers etc rather frequently, as I work in a bar. But the person I'm with isn't into me.
Can you really, truly be happy this way? She insists she sees her life with me and that her emotional connection is everything. That even if a person was drop dead gorgeous, it was what was on the inside that mattered. And she couldn't get into a person who was flawless physically but had a bad personality. She said that she loves who I am and how I make her feel. That was what mattered to her.
Am I crazy and over thinking this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): I think you're taking what she said wrong OP.
She didn't say she wasn't sexually attracted to you, she told you how she feels goes deeper than just that and that what she feels isn't lust it's a deep love that makes you makes you very attractive to her.
All she was saying is that you mean more to her than physical attraction, not that she doesn't find you attractive. She obviously does or you wouldn't have such a great sex life and she wouldn't have gotten romantically involved with you.
Basically OP she's telling you something that's good, professing a deep love for you and a wish to have you for life. She loves you not just lusts after you, she didn't just tell you that she thinks you're ugly or anything like that. She basically just said she loves you beyond the physical.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): U sure she is havin a fantastic sex life, too?? My best friend is a guy and i truly do love him but we tired sex twice it was terribile for me, he seemed think it was great which made it worse , im just not attracted to him dat way. Why wud she tell u this if she is happy, its strange
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): I'm not sure if this is going to help..
But I'm in a similar sitation like your girlfriend..I'm not physically attracted to my boyfriend but I'm emtionally connceted to him and I like him a lot and love spending time with him,we have an amazing life going on but no I don't find him attractive..
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