A
female
age
30-35,
*dviceneeded01
writes:Hi,I have read lots of different stories on here, and I feel like id like to vent, and also be able to have some people to talk to and for you all to give me advice, I would like to keep you all updated on every stage, and will come back regularly, so that people in my postion can follow what is happening.Okay so me and my girlfriend have been together 1 year and a half, we have had the most amazing relationship, i constantly smile when i am around her, and get so excited to see her, she is my world. she is the girl i would one day like to marry, and have children with. but that is a long way off, its just when i look to the future she is always in it.My girlfriend lives in the UK with me, not with me but in the same area. Her dad lives in America. He is a cowboy, she thinks the world of her dad. At christmas she went to visit him, she had the most amazing time, and couldn't wait to come back to me to tel me all about it, and for us to start our new year together. She left to the airport, got to london, and as soon as she got back, not even had a chance to get to me, she had a phone call that her dad had a accident, it was bad enough for her to have to fly back that day to him. He was in intensive care, had tubes everywhere, and the future wasn't looking god. He hung in there, he fought to survive. She came home a month later,her dad was recovering, but couldn't move from the neck down. My girlfriend was devastated, she told me before she come home, i should read up on grief, because she will be going through it, I did a little, but when she got back she seemed okay, she did seem not like her normal self, but that was understandable. We tried to enjoy ourselves but things started to not be the same, we weren't as close, she was living with me at the time in my parents house, because we got broken into before she went to america, she is so independant she didn't like it and needed her space, i guess we were probably annoying each other with that too, it wasnt ideal. anyway back on track, things weren't the same, but she never spoke to me about any of it, i felt like she didn't love me any more, i kept hassling her, asking why she is being like this, i didn't even think about the grief, i think i was being selfish but didn't realise at the time. She found a flat to move into, a few things happened and we bickered a bit, and then she split up with me, telling me she needs to be on her own.. she didn't give me any explanations, i had to come to my own conclusions. its not a situation i have ever been in before. so its hard to get my head around. I love her, i wish she needed me so i could help her through this horrible time she is going through. I have spoken to her a bit, at the beginning i was pressurising her, asking if we will be okay, she kept saying she thinks we will be, but after a few days of not hearing from her, id end up calling her again, wanting to hear the same thing, eventually i think i pushed it too far, she said she is happier on her own, and this is the right decision for her. After reading these posts, i know that i cant pressure her, i text her last night, saying I've read up on grief and understand why she has done this. she seemed happy that i read up on it, and that i am understanding. Next week she is going to see her dad for easter. i hope it is a positive trip. We have tickets to see a concert on the 6th, i hope we still go, before i pushed her too far she said she wanted to still go with me. i will let you know how everything goes, i just want some advice really, how do i play it, if she wont contact me shall i still contact her, just to let her know im thinking of her, i dont want to push her away, but i dont want her to move on with out me.Reading other posts have really made me feel better about it all, knowing its not as uncommon as i thought, however i really hope we end up okay. I know she loves me, im hoping its just time she needs. I want to be there for her, i hope this doesn't end us, its seems so unfair for something that is beyond our control to finish our relationship, when it has not ended naturally.Any stories where this has happened and it ended happily ever after would be amazing, im trying to think positively about it all! Thank you guys if you reply, i really need some support that aren't my friends and family right now.. they cant seem to understand why she is doing this, and think she is doing it on purpose, and are not being very good about it, they have to understand, that if the accident didn't happen, wed be together, she told me that.. its this that has done it to us!Please help!!!
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reader, adviceneeded01 +, writes (25 March 2013):
adviceneeded01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to say thank you all for your responses.. you are all right, when you say i pushed her away, i know i did to an extent, however i have been there for her alot, and am selfless, and all i want is for her to eventually be okay. I am going to give her all the time she needs, i understand why she has done this, its just nice to talk about it, get the thoughts in my head out and hear other opinions, i want to be there for her as a friend until hopefully one day she will want to get back into a relationship with me. I cant imagine what she is going through, and all she can think about is her dad. I will wait for her, and be there, and hope that she will come back to me when she has healed. And i think if she does, we will be stronger than ever.Teresakitty12, you said you got agitated with your boyfriend, did you guys break up. or how did it work out for you?Thank you guys
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 March 2013):
 At least you have understood your mistakes, you have pressured her way too much and been very needy when it was her that should have been 'needy' in light of the situation.
I have an ex, and when we were together his dad died. We had been together only 4 months at the time, I knew when I met him that his dad had cancer but it was only upon meeting his dad that I realised how bad it was (my ex never really spoke about it). My ex had also lost his mother when he was 6, so when his dad died he was left with pretty much no family apart from an older brother who he wasnt that close to. He is the strong and silent type, didnt like to talk much about how he was feeling but you could tell he was devastated (obviously). It actually made us strong the experience, I guess the opposite happened to us compared to what has happened with your girlfriend - but then again I handled the whole thing very differently to you.
I guess I completely put aside myself, never stopped to think about how I felt because it was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things compared to what he was going through. I knew I couldnt be 'needy' and expect him to be loving or attentive, he was lost and in a very dark place. He barely spoke about what was going on, I just made sure I was there for him at all times. Lots of hugs and silence basically - I knew not to push him to talk, just let him speak when he was ready to speak to me. I think quiet time was what he needed, so many people were asking if he was ok, how he was doing...and of course he wasnt ok, he wasnt doing good and nothing anybody could do would help. So quiet time, just me and him in front of the TV, or just sat out in the garden at his house....we didnt do much for an entire summer, I quit my summer job back at home and spent most of the time going back up and down the county between my parents house in South Yorkshire and his place in Wales, just to be with him.
He did eventually start to come out of his shell, it took the entire summer (about 3 months really) to start to get back to normal. He'd still have bad days, that is natural, but slowly he started to go back to being the person he was before.
So I guess what you need to learn if you want this to work is to become selfless for a while, dont expect anything of her and expect that you will not be a high priority for her for a while. Be supportive in a quiet way, dont pester her constantly asking questions, just be there when she wants you. Dont expect life to go back to normal, she wont want to be out and about doing fun things like going to concerts, going to the cinema, going for meals or drinks....that would be (to her) like she is forgetting what her dad is going through and carrying on like normal. Life is not normal for her at the moment, so she wont want to pretend that everything is fine.
I think what you should do next is text her perhaps the day before she leaves to visit her dad, and keep it short - say something like 'I'll be thinking of you while your away, please send my love to your dad for me'. Dont add anything about catching up when she's back, or 'hope to see you soon' or anything like that, because that turns it back to you wanting something from her. Keep the message all about her and her dad, without any expectation for her to even have to reply to you. Simply let her know that you are thinking about her and her dad, nothing more.
I'm sorry I cant give you any gurantees that this will work out, she is going through a lot at the moment and you have pushed her away, there are no guarantees that she will come back. And you might have to prepare yourself for the worst, there is no point in living in la-la land where everything is fine and it will be happy ever after for you. She may well end up deciding to move to the US to look after her dad, I'm sure she will be thinking those things at the moment so you need to prepare yourself for the worst as well as trying to stay positive.
I know that is hard, but just keep an open mind is what I'm saying - be aware that she might be considering different options which may not be great for you, but equally hope that your relationship will get back on track in time.
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A
female
reader, TeresaKitty12  +, writes (25 March 2013):
Hey, i lost my grandmother on christmas, she had been battleing cancer for 3-4 yrs. well i was with my bf when she passed christmas day. i was so happy to have him there, well a few days later with him with me constantly i got aggitated. and asked for space. its all in feeling helpless thinking that maybe you could have done more or should have been there. maybe she still loves you, but just needs time to get everything together. let her know your there, and that youll be her helping hand at any givin time and that she can depend on you. i hope her father does well. and i really wish yall the best.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Your poor girlfriend is clearly traumatised by her fathers accident and now she no longer knows where she should be. She will feel desperately that she ought to be with him - but he's her father and her future doesn't lie with him. However it must be very difficult for her to be in another country at a time when he probably needs her more than at any other time in her life. Possibly she is distancing herself from you incase she decides to return to America permanently thus making the wrench from you less painful. This is only a suggestion. She really needs time to think things through.
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