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Girlfriend basically making me chose between her and my parents

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships

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Question - (28 August 2009)

4 Answers - (Newest, 28 August 2009)

A male age 36-40, *ombatsotre writes:

Hi,

This is a difficult one and i really need some help and guidence.

My girlfriend hates my parents so much she is letting it drive a wedge between us.

She has hated my parents for a long time because she disapproves of the way they treat and manipulate me. They are far from the perfect parents, but i love them very much and they have done a lot for me.

This has been ongoing for a while now and my gf has a big problem with me trying to develop a good relationship with them. My parents and I have had many ups and downs over time, some of them my fault and some of it their fault. But she cant seem to accept me trying to have good or at least stable relationship with them when they cause so many problems for me, and ...for us. It should be noted though, that it is my gf who makes their actions into problems for us, directly they have never done anything to cause trouble for myself and my gf.

Recently I was home and had a huge bust up with my parents. I have never ever spoken to them or argued with them like I did that day, the reason? My gf. They said quite a lot of unpleasent and hurtful things about her. I already new they dont like her because of their previous sly comments and implications, and i finally snaped. I fought with them for 3 hours defending her and our relationship, as well as a number of other things too.

I told my gf all about the argument, hoping for some kind of acknowledgment that i battled and argued and spoke to two people i love and respect like i never have before, all i the name of defending my her.

We agreed at this point that we wouldnt stay around at their house again. I nearly lost and threw away the entirety of my realtionship with my parents in that argument.

Since then i have discusse with my mum and dad some of the problems we have in our relationship, and we are all making the effort to try and correct and rebuild the bond we al once had.

I also have a 17 year old brother, a 9 year old sister who I am very close to, and a 1 year old sister.

I was talking to my gf this evening, and she said she wanted to go for a walk around the ribble valley again (where my mum and dad live), so i told her i needed to go home in september anyway to see my brother, spend time with my sister and sort some stuff out with my dad, and we also need to find my gf's neckless she had left in a beuty spot we previosuly went to. So i suggested doing evrything in one go, and maybe it would be a good idea to stay over.

Well....she went nuts. Principly because we had already discussed not staying at their house, something i overlooked when logically working out how we can do all these things at the same time. She is really really upset and pissed off ith me for wanting to develop or fix a relationship with my parents after some of the things they have said about her.

I hate what they ahve said and implyed, and i have let them know in the stronges tpossible way (our argument), but im not willing to give up my relationship with my parents over it. My gf was very upset and angry at my parents and this ll came out with her getting at me. She said that she want going to go near them so if i wanted to go i would hvae to on my own. BUt she also said, that if i went on my own she would be upset, angry and disrespected becuase its like i am overlooking and accepting their opinion and comments about her. She also said expecting her to put up with their opinon of her is disrespectful of her, and shows i can elt them get away with what they want and that i accept them saying negativee things about her.

I cant win. If i ask her to be by my side i am in the wrong for expecting her to be there and she thinks i am in effect ignoring their comments, and she thinks i am putting them before her, but if i go on my own she says its like i am letting them know they have won.

She uses emotional manipulation too, saying i it was the other way around and her parents didnt like me that she wouldnt have anything to do with them.

She is in effect asking me to choose between her and my parents. I love her very much and it pains me to know they dislike her and have said unpleasent things, but i love them very much too they are my parents!!

It should be noted that my parents have never treated my gf badly or disrespectfully in person they have just voiced unpleasant opinions.

I tried so much in the covo not to get mad I asked her to go away and calm down and we could talk about it properly when she gets home she is in america)

I havae attached the skype conversation for you to view we were both logged in as friends users so the names are not ours, i am under claire woodfield (lol).

I really dont know how to handle this. Se lets her outside upsets with my parents come between us and gets very personal and upsetting towards me by insuinuating and implying i don't love her enough because i wont cut them out of my life for the things they said. I love my family very much, its not just about my mum and dad, my young sisters are at home with them too.

Please help me out. Am i worng or not telling them to fuck off and i dont want to knwo them as long as they direspect my gf? Or is she wrong for putting me in the position where i have to choose? She says i am putting my mum and dad first by continuing to try and sort out our relationship even tho we have had many problems and even tho they have said unpleasent things about her. I really unerstand it must be horrible for my gf to have to deal with my mum and dad when they dont like her, but isnt it far worse for her to expect me to reduce my contact and relationship with them to donwn to almost nothing? She asked me how i would feel if her parents diliked me and had said bad things about me to laura. I told her that i wouldnt like being around them but i would for her sake becuase she need a relationship with them.

Please help me out and give me advice. This is the only thing we are weak on, we almost broke up once when she said there is no way she will allow our future children access to my mum and dad.

Here is the skype convo, i wanted to leave it and not let an argument form, so we could talk about it another time, the names are not ours,,,

(this is the typing at the end of our verbal convo when i asked her to go before things got out of hand)

see ya

Laura