A
male
age
51-59,
*reeOfLife
writes:Ok, I met a wonderful woman online, and we really, really hit it off. She is 31, and I am 48. We want the same things. Neither of us have children and both want them, and believe in marriage, commitment etc. Very attracted to each other and both agree we are compatible. Thing is she thinks I am 41. The reason she thinks I am 41 is because that was the age I put on my profile, and after so many days it does not allow you to change it. I posted that as my age because I am very athletic, in shape, active, and youthful. I'm not a couch sitter, and women my age are for the most part.....and I was getting hit on by women in their 60s, when I had posted before that I was 48.I am starting to care about this girl. There has been no sex, no inappropriate touching, only romantic dinners and nights out, and kissing and holding each other over that past month. She has expressed that she has feeling for me, and can see a future "with a guy like me". I have to tell her soon if I care about her. She might walk away, I don't know, but I would love someone to tell me the best way to handle my sin of ommission, but not telling her I was older right away. I should have, and wanted to, but I chickened out because the topic was brought up on the first date.
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male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (28 February 2013):
TreeOfLife is verified as being by the original poster of the question Still seeing each other, this girl and I. Basically we are more or less starting over. She appreciated that I came clean before things went further.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I thought that was going to be the case here.
Remember how you feel right now. Don't ever forget that lying about your age never gets you what you want. This isn't about some baggage from your abusive ex-wife. This is about you wanting a quality woman by being a man of compromised character.
Now, you have to start over. If you truly live your life by taking care of yourself physically, and love the outdoors, being active, and valuing health, you'll find a woman like that as well, and don't discount women closer to your own age. You've already decided that those who are close to your age are couch potatoes who have let themselves go and will be as emotionally unbalanced as your ex is.
Truth is, there are plenty of women who get high on an active lifestyle. It may take longer to find one, but cutting corners by lying about your age to attract a young woman is no good.
You may yet find that this other woman may give things another chance, and if she does, I swear you had better become the greatest devotee to honesty that she's ever met. You should be that way anyways.
Finally, did you know that there are young women who are on here who are especially attracted to older men?? If you're looking for specifically younger women (10+ years younger), be patient and be your true age, and you might find some who are happy with your age of 48 years.
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A
male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (22 February 2013):
TreeOfLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd another update here...and like I said.....I don't blame her.....but she said she needs time to think about things.So lesson here....is just never lie no matter what crazy reasons you may have. I could possibly cost you something very valuable.....like trust. :-(Its a good day to be a lil sad...anyways....weather looks like it sucks.
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A
male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (22 February 2013):
TreeOfLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here's the update. I told her. She was mad at me for about 20 minutes....and I am sure she is not going to entirely let me off the hook right away. It was tough...but the right thing to do. I took my whipping like a man....really didn't try to defend myself much. She said, like many of you did, that this wasn't a good way to start a relationship. She told me that I was ashamed of my past and who I am, and that I cannot allow that power in my life, nor use my past abusive relationships as an excuse to behave badly.We are still seeing each other, and she says she forgives me, but I can never lie to her again. I don't plan on it.You can see why I think I am falling for her. I'm glad I told her. And now things should be on the right track again. We have another date tonight....and I am going to work to put this behind me, and my past. I'm no longer going to be ashamed of my age, or the fact I have no children, nor a wife at age 48. I wanted all of those things but I put my faith in the wrong people. I'm still learning life's lessons, and I hope this will be a sort of a turning point for me. I hope things develop further with her, but even if they don't I think I have learned a lot more about myself through this.Thanks for your help.
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A
male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (21 February 2013):
TreeOfLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd for those saying I have a problem in my head or with my age.....well I do a bit. I had an alcoholic abusive Ex wife, who I tried to help with counseling anger management etc., who used to continually tell me that if I left her that I was too old for anyone to want me and that I would die in a nursing home alone.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I always have sucked at math and I stand corrected.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2013):
10 years may be okay, but you're actually 17 years older than she is. Basically, you did to her what a 65 year old woman would do to you.
If you're so interested in the truth, then here's the *real* truth:
You didn't falsify your age because you were afraid of 60 year old women hitting on you. Come on. You did it so you could flirt with younger women in their 30's or younger. Don't whitewash it. You aren't attracted to women your age, and you fear that the younger 30-somethings wouldn't go for a guy who is in their late 40's. You did what a lot of guys who are in their late 30's try to do to catch an early 20's aged girl.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
Good luck tomorrow! I know you are nervous but ten years is not that big a deal in my opinion. Especially since you are both over 30....
I am 13 years older than my husband and except for a few cultural references now and then we rarely notice it.... he's totally fine with it. I tend to feel more insecure about it than he does.... but when I met him I had no clue how young he was.
We have friends who just got married in September, he's 52 and she's 40....
I think the bigger concern is the lie.... but I think coming clean and explaining it may help mitigate it.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (20 February 2013):
TreeOfLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust for those who questioned whether I could still change my age on my profile.
ESSENTIAL INFORMATION - You can change your birthday and gender within 2 weeks of signing up. After that, it can't be changed.
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A
male
reader, TreeOfLife +, writes (20 February 2013):
TreeOfLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am going to tell her face to face this Thursday.....and I hope she deals with it well. If not, it's her right. If I care, I have to want the best for her, and that might mean, that her being with an older man isn't something she wants. I should have told her from the beginning. I will tell you all how it goes good or bad.
:-(
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
I’m sorry this is not a sin of omission it’s an outright lie. You must tell her NOW. And yes you risk her leaving, not because of your age but because you lied and you continued to lie….. And ya know, it may be the only think you ever lie about but, it’s now set you up to be a man capable of lying…
The difference between 41 and 48 is minimal. At 48 btw I was awesome… no problems. Now at 53 there are days I can barely walk…. A few years at our age can make all the difference in the world.
I agree with CMMP that you must tell her ASAP and telling her the truth exactly as you told us is a good place to start...... if it's not been too long she may forgive you... but she will not forget (nor should she) and you will forever be the guy that lied....
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (20 February 2013):
 " I posted that as my age because I am very athletic, in shape, active, and youthful. I'm not a couch sitter, and women my age are for the most part.."You posted a fake age because you do not want to be honest about your REAL age. I find people, whether it be men or women, who lie or refuse to answer questions regarding their age to be quite sad. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. Anything that lives only gets older, not younger. I never understood why people have such issues facing he reality of getting older and owning it.You're active and you're in good physical shape. Why can't you be an active in shape 48 year old? Why do you need to subtract from that number just because you're leading a more active life? That makes no sense at all. That's the equivalent of someone saying, well, since I like to watch cartoons, I'll take down 10 years from my age. The two are not mutually exclusive. They can co-exist and do in the real world.What you have is a problem in your head. If you're chasing youth and trying to pass yourself off as someone that is younger (which is what you are doing)then good luck in the dating pool. No one enjoys being lied to....especially over something so stupid that could have been avoided. If she has any sense, she will drop you...And maybe that will be a wake up call for you to snap out of it and quit your false advertising.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Do what CMMP said. And DON'T say the dating site won't let you change your age because that's bull and she will know it's bull.
I hope it works out for you. If she does walk away don't beat yourself up too much because for all you know she may not have even considered talking to you if you told her your real age. So it might not have made any difference.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 February 2013):
Yeah, you can't start a relationship on a lie. If you are 48, you have the option of posting which age range of woman you're interested in dating. If I found out a guy lied about his age, it would really put me off and wonder how easy lying comes to him. I would have to think long and hard whether it was a dealbreaker or not.
People forget that it's not just love and attraction that is in a relationship, it's building trust.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 February 2013):
You're already aware that she may walk away so that's a good place to start.
I'd just say, "look, I have something I need to tell you that I hope doesn't change things between us." then tell her what you said here about getting hit on by older ladies. Tell her you never meant to deceive her.
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