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Girl has become impossible to get back with

Tagged as: The ex-factor

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Question - (21 May 2009)

9 Answers - (Newest, 27 June 2009)

A male age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My ex-GF is 19

Her studies are very important to her

Her mom says that most times, she says she wants to do something, but doesn't follow through if she is given the freedom to do what she wants

She values her freedom a lot it seems

She used to go to an all girls school

We have fun together (or rather had fun)

We can pretty much say anything to each other though

I don't think she's had a truly close friend before

Her mom split with her husband when she was a baby

Her mom hasn't dated any guys for 19 years

My GF used to think she was missing out on having a dad

But now she says she feels nothing for him

Although during her period once, she cried uncontrollably after needing to see pictures of him, then she said 'Stupid man'

She recently found out her mom didn't love her dad

She can't orgasm at all. She's never had one

She said once that she likes to play hard to get

Her mom says that she feels stressed when we break up each time

The first time I broke up with her last year, she demanded I fix the bracelet I gave to her

She gave me a real negative attitude about it and I walked out on her

Within a week, we were together again

On MSN I said, 'I don't think we'll get married'

And she said, 'No no no', 'Don't say that'

She didn't want to hear it

She invited me to a party a couple of months later, but I declined and she ended up not wanting me to go anyway

She asked me to go to another party several times, but I declined

I asked her why she didn't want me to go to the first party, and she said the age difference would have made it weird

A few weeks later after the parties, she's txting this guy while with me

She said she met this guy, so I ask, 'Are you considering him?'

She said, '...Not really'

I then said, 'I hope you always choose me over other guys'

Then she said to me that she bascially wants to find another boyfriend next year at university

I temporarily broke up with her over this talk, but came back the next day saying how much I care for her and want us to be together

I said, 'I am enough' for her during the next argument

This raised her attraction

From this point on, she gets angry and doesn't want to be with me whenever I bring up this subject/our future

At the next argument about what she said, she said she took those words back

I then asked her, 'What will you have done (with a guy) before you decide to break things off with me?' and she refused to answer

I gave her the choice of being with me or not, and she txted me, 'There's no point (of continuing together)', 'Nothing you say will change my mind'

I managed to get back with her though. Can't remember how

A couple of times I broke up with her because of her grumpiness when we didn't have sex

But got back with her each time the next day by saying that I did care about her and it's my libido that isn't so high

I decided to lead her more strongly while on dates, and to be sexually forward

This made her like me even more

Things were going fine for a bit, but then she:

Forgot about our night together (Wednesday was always our night together)

On another day she said, 'I need my space', even though we only saw each other 2-3 times per week (doesn't want to spend 2 days in a row with me, so I stopped sleeping over)

I pretended I was ok

On one day early this year, I dropped her off at a festival with her friend, who wanted to check out guys, and I said, 'Have fun meeting guys!' :D

And the next day she was txting me more, as though she liked me more

From Valentine's Day to the start of university I was Mr romantic and things were great

We got together at her place in the first week of university and she seemed to be avoiding answering me fully

She tried to arouse me for sex by pushing herself into me, but I didn't want to do it because of her lack of connecting with me

Maybe she wasn't as into me now because of other guys?

I watched tv, while she slept, and in the end she clearly wanted me out of the house so she could go to bed

She wasn't grumpy, but she wasn't affectionate at all

The next morning I txted her not to contact me again

She simply txted to keep to my word this time

It's always so easy for her to have the attitude, 'Screw you', which makes me think, 'Did she even like me that much?'

I changed my mind within 2 days and I really pushed to meet again

But I had to give her space because she wasn't going to come back that way

I continued txting her, and she said I was txting her crap

And that it's all my own doing, because of my insecurity

So I met with her briefly with flowers to tell her 'I'm sorry' and that I wanted her back (instead of reading my words on her phone)

She said to just be friends (forever)

But she changed her mind and said that that was a bit much

Just when I thought things could start improving, I emailed her and say that she doesn't meet all my emotional needs and that at present I probably wouldn't marry her

Now it seems impossible to get back together except as friends

We talk and laugh as normal, but when she's away from me, I get the sense that she's very standoffish

It's easy to piss her off by txting direct things like, 'Movies at 6pm, I'll pick you up at your place'

I offer my hand but she refuses and folds her arms

I touched her hand and she quickly moves it away

She said to just be friends

But I've openly stated that I want to get back together

She doesn't want me in her house now

I've just owned up to the responsibility of our break up

Why is she taking so long this time?

In the past and during our relationship I occasionally used romantic talk and it clearly worked. Why not now?

Even though I lead all our dates when we were together, was she the one actually leading?

It seems I could get her back

In the past, all she needed was some time. But now it's been 2 ½ months since we broke up

She's not against going out with me

She doesn't talk to me any different

University studies appear to be top priority

She said she wants 'a simple life'

Obviously she knows another guy in the picture would make things complicated

She maybe going on dates, but it's very unlikey that she's had sex with other guys yet

She knows that I want an exclusive relationship

I've stated this in a straight forward way and she's not the type to muck people around

It's like she's testing me with her non-attachment

Perhaps she thinks I'm not man enough and she's still angry

Maybe she's waiting for me to break and say something stupid like, 'Are there other guys?', 'Why are you doing this?', 'If you don't want to be with me, then I'll leave'

What are her emotional needs now and how do I address them?

View related questions: broke up, flowers, get back together, libido, msn, orgasm, period, university

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 June 2009):

Dear Asker,

I think this girl has abandonment issues. And everytime things got tough, you walked out. You violated her sense of abandonment. Just because you are mad at her for things is not reason enough to end an entire relationship. But you broke up over fights, not principles that the relationship was based on.

That is the lesson that I would suggest that you take from this relationship.

Next, I beleive based on what she has said and did, that she does not love you like she used to. However, she has abandonment issues, and can not stand to be alone.

Which means:

Her desire not to be alone is stronger than her desire not to date you. That has been the pattern.

Now it seems that she is better equipped to not be with you. So one of two things are happening:

She is either maturing and is getting comfortable with the idea of being on her own, or she is dating other guys, and just not telling you about it.

If you truly want to be with this girl, I think the KEY is going to be proving that you will not abandon her every time you have a stupid fight, and that you will stick by her. This will require you to learn how to enforce your boundaries and explain to her your expectations of how you expected to be treated by her. You will have to learn to communicate all of this in a way where threatening the end of your relationship is not a tactic.

Hope this helps.

-Frank B Kermit

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 June 2009):

Dear Asker,

That is the lesson that I would suggest that you take from this relationship.

Next, I beleive based on what she has said and did, that she does not love you like she used to. However, she has abandonment issues, and can not stand to be alone.

Which means:

Her desire not to be alone is stronger than her desire not to date you. That has been the pattern.

Now it seems that she is better equipped to not be with you. So one of two things are happening:

She is either maturing and is getting comfortable with the idea of being on her own, or she is dating other guys, and just not telling you about it.

Hope this helps.

-Frank B Kermit

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have a strong hunch that whether we get back together is up to her mom. She may have to prove to herself and her mom that she can do well enough at university first.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She definitely has this friends thing going on with me. She txted that she has 4 years of studying to do and may consider going out with me after her degree, but doesn't expect me to wait for her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Good question. The fact that I'm not as insecure now, and can handle grumpiness.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009):

Break up with her. Permanently. It's not normal (or healthy) to keep a relationship where you keep going on and off, switching back and forth. What's to stop the endless flow of breakups in the future even if by some miracle chance she takes you back this time?

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A female reader, btflower +, writes (22 May 2009):

I'm sure you are in young condition. Some men don't mature age wise as fast as others. why don't you try getting her to talk with you and actually both of you talk like adults and find out honestly what both of you totally want. I don't mean that you each ASSUME what the other wants. I really think that you are pushing to hard to keep her. Talking everything out is a good way to really find out if you two should be together. Good Luck. But then on the other hand. you sound like me speaking and your fiend sounds like the other side of my conversations. so i just gave it up. and if they want me then they come to me if not then oh well. everything hasn't been caught yet the ocean is full.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She assumed I broke up because of my insecurity, which is correct. All I did was not have sex, she wanted me out, then I broke up. Just 2 days before, we were doing great.

Must have been like a double whammy, ignoring her sexual advance and then breaking up. She may have been testing me to assume it was my insecurity though.

The first time we got together after the break up I thought we were going to make up quickly (as per usual), but I was stupid and came on way too strong sexually (never did that before). This is probably why she doesn't want me in her house. Otherwise, we could be together right now, maybe.

Seems like a combination of things that make this so bad this time. University stress, ignoring her sexual advance, breaking up, came on too sexually, told her I probably wouldn't marry her, txting her crap (in her opinion), suggested a type of open relationship where we could date others (in case she really did want to find another BF), maybe everything I say that is romantic is having the opposite effect now.

I don't think it's an age thing. I'm in very young condition :)

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A female reader, btflower +, writes (22 May 2009):

honestly i feel like both of you are leading each other around by the collar. the way it sounds is that you knew how to put everything just right and she would break up and then contact one another then your back to gether and so on. i really don't think you need to understand her. it seems as if she has given you what she honestly wants and that is not to be with you as nothing other than friends. 2months is a while that would make me think she didn't want me. kinda sounds like my relationships sometimes. but maybe the age thing is getting to her now. shes at school with guys her own age or closer to it than your age and she is just playing with your emotions. or it would be that she really don't know how to love and receive affection. It could be that she was brought up to be like that toward men by her mother. you really can't tell. i would try to contact her one more time and if nothing becomes of it i think i would just back off and see what happens from there. i wish you the best of luck.

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