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Girl friends 'very low sex drive' and says she never feels horny

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 June 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1 and a half years now give or take and we had allot of sex in the beginning now in te last 6 months it has slowly been declining it's down to about once or twice a month now. I know she is not cheating on me and still loves me but recently told me it's just becuase she doesn't enjoy sex so much and never gets the horny feeling... She knows sex is important for me not just becuase it's fun but for me I feel it brings us together.

She just has no interest in sexual interaction even if I offer her oral sex I can tell she doesn't want to say yes sometimes becuase it will mean that she would have to get me off...

Ok I can understand blow jobs might not be the most comfortable things but she up right tells me it's disgusting and hates the way it tastes...

And hand jobs are to much effort for her. But now even the thought of sex with her isn't so appealing becuase now all I can think of is the fact that she is only pretending to enjoy it for me...

Do you think it's unfair of me to expect a sexual and passionate relationship? Am I being to demanding? She says she has a very low sex drive but then leaves it there and doesn't seem to care about my very high sex drive... I don't want a relationship of jerking off in the bathroom. Do you think it will change? It's not like all of a sudden im demanding sex it's that she has just been trying to fade it out. She says at the beginning it was new and exciting now it's not.

I never wanted to say this but it looks like the end might be near unless we can sort this I don't want a passionless relationship!

View related questions: blow-job, hand-job, horny, oral sex, sex drive

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOkay in short this relationship doesn't seem to be working. Passion and sex in a relationship is important. Do you both still have romance? Do you have date nights? You need to look at it from all angles, do you treat her well? Surprise her? Romance her? Does she do anything for you?

Maybe you both need to talk and try and put more effort in to the relationship, give it three months and if things have not improved and you are not happy then it is time to leave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

In my experience once the sex appeal has gone it's gone and unless your ok with once or twice a month (which is pretty normal) then it's time to move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

If she is this young and not into sex then I'm sorry to say but it is likely only to get worse. It may be that you two just don't have the right chemistry together...nothing to do with attractiveness, she may find you very attractive but somehow you have different preferences for everything in bed (right down from the way each prefers to be kissed, to the foreplay, to sex itself). This happens quite often actually. Just as there are so many different tastes in what makes a person beautiful, there are as many different tastes in how sex and affection is carried out. It doesn't mean either one of you is bad at it or wrong, just not well matched.

OR it may be that she is completely honest and that she has a very low sex drive.

So you have a choice- do you want to live with this situation, given that you two obviously get along so well on so many other levels- is it worth it to live with mediocre sex for the rest of your life, or would you go crazy? Do you two love each other enough to overlook that, and build a life that maybe isn't filled with passion but is filled with love?

Again, there isn't any easy solution. You may find a gf who is great in bed but not well matched to you in any other aspect of life....every relationship has areas where things aren't perfect, is this something you can tolerate?

I would sit down and have a serious discussion with her about these things. After all, perhaps she would cheat down the road if the chemistry here isn't right. You really want some things clarified as to what is going on. DOn't let her off the hook, keep pressing for answers on this issue.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (18 June 2017):

Was it really new and exciting for her in the beginning? Or is she just making that up and didn't really enjoy it then?

If it was truly exciting, perhaps there is a way to make it exciting again.

It seems as though she is very poor at communicating to you about any sexual interests she might have or when she has truly enjoyed it. I'm thinking that her statement that she enjoyed it early on is either untrue or she enjoyed it not for the sex but as a way to please and get closer to you.

I am concerned that she knows how important sex is to you but refuses to even give you a hand job. That's pretty selfish as well as an indication that her problem with sex runs fairly deep.

Whatever the case, this is almost certainly a situation that will become worse over time. However, it appears that the relationship is otherwise good, so it is worth having her or both of you getting consultation from a professional.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (18 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWhy can't you give her pleasure sometimes without her having to get you off too?

The pressure of someone else's sex drive could lower hers because she's not necessarily feeling the passion from you, just the horniness.

Do you go on dates? Do you do romantic things for her without wanting/getting sex afterwards? Do you try to initiate/mention sex frequently? How much do you focus on what she likes during foreplay and sex?

It's highly likely that something triggered it. You could be the cause of it, especially if she says it's boring now. She could also have a health issue, other stresses and/or just a low libido.

Give her massages, make her dinner, take her on dates (they don't have to be expensive) and don't try to initiate sex. Heck, if she tries to but doesn't really seem into it, say you'd like to skip it this time. Make her feel special because you love her, not because you want sex more frequently.

The few times you do have sex, make sure to focus more on her and ask her what she likes - don't just assume you know. Maybe a vibrator would help her enjoy it more and/or maybe you've got a bit lazy and aren't actually making sure she's relaxed and having a good time.

Show genuine concern for how she's feeling, not just about sex. Ask how her day has been, if she's stressed, if there's anything she wants to do, etc. Do nice things for her without hoping for sex as "payment".

If the situation doesn't improve a little in a few months, consider breaking up. It's not unreasonable to want a lot of sex, but it's unreasonable to expect it from someone who doesn't want it.

As for oral, some people just don't like it. I'm appalled when I've seen the odd person here suggest they should do it anyway because there's no reason to hate it. Semen does generally taste "bad" and nobody should perform sexual acts they aren't comfortable with. The hand job can be a lot of effort if it takes a while - hand cramping, arm muscles, etc. Perhaps you'd benefit from a "c*ck ring" or similar that stimulates you and may take the pressure off of her.

For what it's worth, someone expecting sex frequently can be a major libido-killer, especially if they rarely give you attention without the vibe that they're hoping for sex.

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