A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is this normal?I have been in relationship for two years and we both had tough financial times but things are looking up. We do not live together yet. I found myself a new job, and after two weeks of declining to join work crew for drinks I finally get forced because there was a company bonus which will pay for our food and drinks at a nice posh place. When I told my girlfriend she just started complaining there will be girls there. We started arguing. What annoyed me was I didn't even think which female was going, I don't think they care, the guys were keen on me coming.After a long month of working, and finally when I have a day off next day.....I spent 3 hours arguing and I didn't even leave my house.I turned my phone off, so work colleagues couldn't question me, because my gf was telling me to tell them I won't come if there's girls:So then my gf got annoyed when I was desperate to go.We have since stopped talking and she called me up crying last night. Problem is I wasn't ready to talk, I was sitting at home, full of anger, the more bored and helpless I felt last night the more angry I got.I had spent the evening before with her from end of work until 1am even when I had work at 8am next morning. Am I not allowed a break? This isn't about girls...this is about a little freedom. Honestly...I couldn't care about other girls, I jus want to work hard and get a house so we can move in and start a life whilst she is too busy screening what I do and how little we see each other.Does she want to move in in a year or does she want to waste all our money on travelling now to find we have no savings or progress in our relationship;I'm not a guy who just dumps and moves on like most people who often suggest break ups. If I leave her she has no one. I want to protect her for life but she is focusing on silly things.P.s I don't cheat , I just work hard, her mum has been on benefits all her life, she never owned anything, her cousin just had a baby with no dad and living off benefits, everyone jus lives off benefits, I'm not used to that im quite happy working. She is 19 I'm 24.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 Sure - go ahead and ask more questions!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2015):
 *EDIT*
I wrote at the end..
YOUR entire life should revolve around her insecurities.
It should OF COURSE be...
YOUR entire life shouldn't revolve around her insecurities.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 April 2015):
Last advice?
BE OK with telling your GF NO from time to time. IF what she is asking IS unreasonable (like this issue). If she starts and argument (over phone or text, just tell her that you don't want to fight but her DEMAND is unfair. That you going out with work-mates doesn't mean you will cheat. THAT she needs to have a little faith and trust in you. IF you have NEVER cheated on her, she has NO reason to accuse you.
Like several of us said, DO NOT feed her insecurities. THAT is not LOVING HER. That is ENABLING HER to think she gets to make all the decisions.
Then onto the holiday thing. You said she "waste all our money" is that money YOU have earned or has she put a dime in that pot too? If this is your money, she DOESN'T have a right (as a GF) to blow them on vacations, specially IF you are trying to save for a house. Again, LEARN to say no.
If some of that money is hers, KEEP track on what she puts in, and she can spend that, but that also means when you DO buy a house? IT WILL BE in your name.
With that said though, DO NOT HAVE shared finances till marriage. DO NOT give her access to your bank account. I know you love her and want to be with her forever.... And that is lovely, but..... for now you two are ONLY dating. Once you are married things are a little different. You make a budget together, make financial decisions together, but for now? SHE should have NO SAY over the money YOU earn.
So NEXT time there is a work-do - you go. You do NOT need her permission. You go, you make sure you don't get drunk and stupid, have fun getting to know your co-workers and then you go home.
YOUR entire life should revolve around her insecurities. Being respectful of your GF is good, letting her WALK all over you... is not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): You guys are awesome. I prefer honest people who shred you, any other last minute advice? Will anyone be able to answer few more questions of next steps ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): At the beginning of your post you ask "Is this normal" No of course not. You should be able to go out with work colleagues both male and female, who doesn't?I was in a similar relationship at your age. I met someone who was difficult and tried to help him but it proved futile. By the time I left I was emotionally wrecked. You say " I'm sure l could find someone more mature and easy going but that isn't what life is about" Well it IS about finding someone you are compatible with who makes you feel loved, happy and content.You seem angry and frustrated because she isn't responding to your efforts to look after her with gratitude but unfortunately some people are like that. She clearly has jealousy issues which she needs to seek help for doesn't she? Otherwise it'll only get worse.You say "She fell in love with me and I will never break her heart" Do you realise how that sounds? Feel free to carry on regardless of how well/badly things go but don't expect to win any prizes for it
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 April 2015):
She doesn't get to "allow" or "not allow" you anything. All you owe her is to not be unfaithful. You do not have to cater to HER jealousy, controlling, or trust issues. In fact, the more you try to "prove" yourself to her, the worse she will get, not better.
A relationship cannot withstand this pressure. You can't be her everything, and you shouldn't even try. In fact, you're crippling your career by walking out on work sanctioned functions just because there will be girls there. She either has to trust you, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, the relationship will never work.
She has to own her own insecurity. You are making her WORSE by feeding them. Do you hear me? By avoiding the confrontation, by bowing to her more forceful personality, you are hurting HER.
You need to tell her that she needs to get help for her insecurity, and that you won't allow her to destroy your relationship by being controlled by her illness. She can only get better by extending trust and allowing you to have a life beyond her. She cannot look to YOU to meet all of her emotional needs. You're not built for it, she's not built for it, and no matter how much of a "white knight" you want to be by proving her insecurities wrong, you can't. You don't have the ability.
You are doing her GOOD by standing up for yourself. You're doing her GOOD by not bending to the sulking and the arguments and the controlling. She has to grow up, and if she can't handle an actual HEALTHY relationship, then she needs to get help.
You've been her enabler for two years, letting her spend your money, tell you who you can be friends with, and running your life. You know what you have to do financially in saving money and all, and she is your GIRLFRIEND, not your wife. No legal institution will hold her accountable by running your money into the ground.
No more. High school is over. No more travelling if it's messing up your spending and saving goals. You must go your own way and make her accountable for dealing with her own insecurities. All women don't "moan". I've been married nearly 17 years, and my husband goes out and does things with friends all he wants, which includes work happy hours and such. I trust him. In return, I've gone out myself, including travelling on "girl trips" myself. I've never been disloyal, but if either of us had tried to put each other in gilded cages, our relationship would have exploded under the pressure.
You're hurting her by acquiescing. You're emotionally crippling her by letting her "allow" you to do anything. Let her grow up. Return yourself to a full, whole, rich life with pursuits outside of her influence. SHE has to face her inner demons. That's the only way for her to get better, by forcing her to either extend full trust or end the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): She's only 19?! There you have it.
She is still pretty much immature; and thinks a relationship means you are supposed to go blind and totally immune to other females. She's clingy and jealous; and you apparently like it. If you ask us if you're allowed a break, I'd say yes. The problem is, your girlfriend says no. So you stay home and pout about it.
You need a break, or she'll drive you nuts.
Remember, she's the one you choose to be with. You don't just dump girls; but you put up with childish tantrums until you're no longer speaking to each other. You're supposed to constantly reassure her how much you love her and pander to her insecurities. So that's your job. Apparently it's a full-time around the clock chore; with no breaks in-between. You talk tough, but she's got you pretty whipped.
Let's see how long your nerves are going to survive this.
Why are you arguing? That makes no sense. How much can you verbally exchange about it? She asked you not to go; so how much can you say to defend yourself?
This is the farthest you've come in two years?
You say you'll never break her heart, and whatever. She sounds pretty flaky. So what's the good part about being with her?
This commentary is a winner:
"Females moan too much. Sorry ladies but you really don't shutup and it's easier to agree with whatever. I have spent two years trying to make her feel secure, yet she's not happy. Than when I suggest she should find a guy who is half as motivated she says there are none"
You're both pretty immature.
If you want freedom, you man-up and take it. You don't have to ask for anyone's permission. If you're as responsible as you claim; then you shouldn't have any problem reassuring her that you just want to hangout with a few guys from work. If you don't intend to leave her, then put up with it; and don't bother writing for advice.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 April 2015):
 When a woman reveals this sort of intense jealousy now.... I assure you that it isn't going to get any better if/when you and she become closer... even marrying or living together.
ASK her: Is this (the situation you described) going to be your "normal" way of handling times when I am out of your sight?"
IF her answer is anything other than an emphatic "No,"... and an explanation that she doesn't know why she did it.. but ".. it will never happen again..." THEN run (DON'T WALK) away from her. Her jealousy will become a nightmare for you that will haunt you as long as you are in her company.
Been there; done that.... finally made that walk....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2015):
I think you should have told her (instead of a 3 hour fight) that you ARE going and that is that.
IT IS normal to go out for a company dinner and get to know your new co-workers. IT doesn't MEAN you will screw every female in sight. I have had several job where co-workers would go out for a beer (usually on Fridays) after work, some stayed for dinner, some stayed to go clubbing later one, it kind of depended. Sometimes spouses/partner came too, sometimes they didn't. From what I saw, no one cheated.
I think you need to stop CATERING to her insecurities. By staying at your house "sulking" she "wins" this argument, but she ALSO gets to CONTROL you. And that isn't healthy or helpful in a relationship. You are NOT her child.
Like Janniepeg suggested :
"You go, come back sober, do this a few times and she will get that you are not those men she's used to hearing about. She is used to drama and fighting so it's also your chance to show her that you can talk like rational adults. "
I'm not saying break up with her, that is NOT why you are here. BUT I am saying you NEED to show that you ARE your own person.
She CAN'T prevent you from doing things in life, because girls are there. THAT IS ridiculous.
And I would also advice that you DO NOT have 3 hours arguments. It doesn't mean that you two can't learn to compromise, but 3 hour of crying and yelling is NOT helpful to either of you.
You say it's about freedom, but really it isn't. It's about growing up and doing what GROWN UPS do. Networking is part of your social skills, going out to have a beer is in a way networking too. You get to know your co-workers, you get to figure out who is good at what, and you get to see them not just as co-workers but as other people. It's not like it's a LAD'S night out. So next time GO out, don't get drunk, have a beer or two (max) and then call her in the morning ( or when you get home).
She thinks you wants to go, because SHE is no fun. Pr that you are "tired" of her and looking for someone "better". Now you CAN talk to her and put those fears to bed, but I would not do that constantly. SHE needs to deal with he insecurities. YOU need to stop feeding them.
What is your GF doing with herself? Does she have a job? Is she is school? Maybe you can HELP her better herself as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): It's easier to agree than disagree. Females moan too much. Sorry ladies but you really don't shutup and it's easier to agree with whatever. I have spent two years trying to make her feel secure, yet she's not happy. Than when I suggest she should find a guy who is half as motivated she says there are none.So make your mind up?I'm sure I could find someone more mature and easy going but that isn't what life is about. She fell in love with me, and I will never break her heart, I love her too but I feel like I can't give all the love now otherwise at 30 what will I do than.She wants it all now.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 If she comes from a background of receiving benefits, she also comes from hearing guys who cheat whenever they see females. There really shouldn't have been a 3 hour argument. You go, come back sober, do this a few times and she will get that you are not those men she's used to hearing about. She is used to drama and fighting so it's also your chance to show her that you can talk like rational adults. Don't let her emotions control you into doing things to sooth her insecurities. Men find it hard to deal with girls' emotions so they do whatever to stop them. That only hurts you, and your pocket at the end. Just say, you are going, period, see you later. From the post you sound like you are afraid of her already. Don't be.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (3 April 2015):
 She is 19, and in all honesty, emotionally still a child.
I don't think she truly understands the "adult relationship"
You are perfectly in the right here. It is 100% normal when starting a new job to want to go out with your new work colleagues. If you don't you may end up missing out on the bonding to make your working life happy.
As a grown up, mature adult, you have to accept that your partner will be around people of the opposite sex, and you have to learn to trust them. If she is going to get silly about you going out where "girls" might be, does she have the same issues with you working with these same "girls"? Is she going to stop you going to work too?
From what you have said, it sounds like you want to grow,develop and work hard to better yourself. I don't think your girlfriend appreciates this, or wants the same things. She may have been conditioned to believe that benefits are the way forward, without the hard work. If this is the case, you are unlikely to change her, and I think you have to be honest with yourself if that is what you want for the rest of your life. I fear she may drag you down.
Teenage/childhood relationships rarely last, and there is a reason for that. People change, their wants and needs change, and their outlook on life changes. What you wanted at 17 is not what you want at 24. You are that bit older than her, and really, in a different stage of life where you are beginning to live as a proper adult.
You sound like very kind, caring man, and for your own benefit I personally think it is time to think about you,and put YOU first.
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