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Gay guy/bi guy flirts with straight girls - should I finish friendship?

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Question - (18 March 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 12 April 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm a straight girl who has a crush on her gay guy friend from college who seems to enjoy flirting with stright girls. Me and him are best friends, but his flirting with straight girls is driving me nuts - enough for me to finish our entire close and strong friendship which he'd be very upset about. It's made me realize I'm quite possessive and jealous about him, even though normally I would describe myself as laid-back and chilled.

What do I do?

This is the story. We met at college and immediately hit it off. He told me he was gay from day one. I don't feel jealous when he says he likes guys as a) he told me he was gay from the start and b) I can't provide what guys can provide so there's no competition and c) I have no problem with people being gay. I'm very open-minded.

However, somehow I DO have a problem with his female friends (he has lots, as he says gay guys have more female friends). He's nice looking and funny and has lots of female friends, one or two are close.

He is very very flirtatious so recently he started flirting with a very flirty hot straight girl, touching her up in front of me and doing this caring sensitive act. Seriously, every time they meet up his hands are all over her body, he dresses up to meet her, pays her compliments, laughs at her not-funny jokes. She was lapping it up, (what girl wouldn't?!)she knows he's gay, but she has been calling him all the time and they are becoming good friends. She's pretty hot and has a boyfriend which he knows about. I think hot girl could start an affair with my guy if she wanted, I think he'd do it if she started it.

I quizzed him about her as one time he was cupping her breasts, touching her ass etc. (He doesn't do that with me, although he has put his arm round me occasionally)

He says to me he's definitely gay, him and her aren't serious, he's just messing around, if she tried it on she wouldn't get anywhere as he's gay and I've got nothing to worry about and I shouldn't take it seriously. He says we are very close friends, he wants us to be friends forever. However, whenever I mention guys that are interested in me, he gets possessive or if I say I like a guy, he looks to the floor and looks sad.

In the beginning we were flirting like crazy and he said he wanted to have sex with me, give him BJs etc, he said we made a great couple. I was reluctant as I didn't like him in the beginning. When I did like him after 6 months of friendship, and I said I wanted sex with him, he said he couldn't do anything with girls, but then proceeded to flirt like crazy with a straight girl in a club in front of me.

This is the thing: he says he's gay, I think he's bi. Why else would he flirt like crazy with attractive sexy straight girls? And get upset/possessive when I mention guys I like? Recently I've transferred to another college this semester and he's been calling me all the time saying he misses me like crazy.

I need time out to decide whether I can continue with this friendship as I get jealous when he does this fondling of certain attractive girls in front of me and they respond back. He has friendships with other girls I don't have a problem with - mainly because they are ugly or they don't flirt with him. I'm attractive and I get offers from guys. Me and this guy have talked about marriage and kids. He's said about us living together. We're both in our late 20's, so not teenagers.

I've never had a friendship with a gay guy before. I don't know what to expect? Since I transferred to this new college I'm getting offers from guys who say I'm hot. This has made me less worried about my gay friend's friendships with other women.

I'm transferring back to my first college in the fall. I'm putting a lot of time and effort into my friendship with this guy which he really appreciates. For the reason that I have put so much time, money and effort into this friendship I expect him to make me #1. Because I know if someone else (whatever gender) put the same effort in as much as I have, I would make them #1.

Incidentally, last night he was calling me up flirting like crazy with me and doing sexy talk like you'd expect off a straight guy who wants to have sex with a girl.

I'm confused. What do I do? Also I am in the friendship for the long run, so I think I can easily ride out these flirty girls as I have and will continue to put a lot into the friendship, whereas they are out for what they can get. I want to sleep with this guy, even if it's just once. We have amazing chemistry, in case anyone is wondering why bother?

I'm grateful for any input.

View related questions: affair, best friend, breasts, crush, flirt, has a boyfriend, jealous, money

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009):

Being a gay male and having my been threw this I know your seeing his flirting as some sign that he is not gay to an extent, flirting with girls in this way is sort of a bonding session I for one really don't mean anything by it but can see how it can be mistaken. The best thing for you to do is tell him how you feel in deep detail instead of here. I cannot see you losing your friend by telling him and if anything he can explain himself better than your woundering thoughts could and who knows maybe things will go alot better but I seriously doubt they will get worse. But good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009):

Don't listen to the post below. I was in exactly the same boat as you. My best friend is gay/bi and he told me that he never thought of me "that way" when I told him I loved him. I put up with his flirting for years and suffered greatly from depression, desperately hoping that one day he'd see me in a different lighyt. One day he did...

We were in a club and another guy was dancing with me, my friend pulled me away from him and kissed me, totally out of the blue. Though he still thinks he is gay, we frequently have sex and our relationship grows every day. Don't give up!

At the end of the day you will still have a genuine loving friend that can never be replaced.

Good luck, xoxo

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009):

move on.. you have no chance, hes GAY! stop being really posessive about this guy cuz ultimatly, hes not even in to you that way! you will not get to sleep with him, and it is VERY commen for gay guys to do that to stright girls who are close to them.

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