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G/f gave permission to cheat since she wants to wait till after marriage to have sex

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2011)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I pretty much just met the woman of my dreams... except for one thing. She doesn't want to have sex until marriage. She tells me that she is a virgin and wants to stay that way until she is married. The strange thing is, she has told me that I could have sex with other women and she wouldn't break up with me. Her reason was that she wants to stay a virgin but understands that "men have needs" and since she isn't willing to take care of those needs, I can have sex with other women. I don't know how to feel about this. I love her and want to have sex with her, not another easy skank from a bar/club.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (1 September 2011):

Well, I don't think she really made the offer that she suggested, she didn't say the " if you don't care about my feelings bit . . ." but I am sure she thought it. If you are truly madly in love you will have sex, just take it very very slowly, enjoy the petting as it gets heavier, she may shed a tear or two but as long as you were never pushy she won't feel negatively about it. Make sure she gets the first orgasm, maybe oral sex, and as my Hero Bill Clinton said, that isn't sex! Be aware that her being a virgin means you don't know if she will ever enjoy, sex, intimacy, and be able to express herself physically. I would definitly be sure of a few of those things before marriage. And, how do you know she is a virgin? From my experience there are sometimes some dark unhappy secrets from the past that are covered up with a virginity claim!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011):

She already told you it was a stupid test. And this was the first warning sign.

The second is that she waited until you were getting hot and heavy and full of hormones to test you again, knowing it would be so much harder to resist sex in that state.

Sorry, she sounds either insecure or cruel and manipulative.

I would not waste my time with ANYONE who needs to play childish games like this.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011):

I'm 21 and my bf is 28 we have been going out for three years now. Btw I'm virgin and my bf is okay that I wanna wait till marriage. He never pressure me about it. You might think now that he's having sex with someone else but I tell he's not. Not because he's weird or gay or any of that but because sex isn't everything in the relationship.

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2011):

angelDlite agony auntwhat she says is fine, she is sticking to her moral code but does not impose this on you. so right now she is waiting for mr right and to marry him. does she make no indication that this might be you? if she does get serious about you in the future she might change her mind and resent you for going out and doing the thing that she actually told you to do! if you love her and do not want to go with other women, then the answer is simple - don't do it. is it just intercourse she wants to abstain from or other sexual acts too?

x

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntYou just met her? Relax and give it time. Just date her and see how you feel about having a relationship with her.

She has made up her mind about remaining virginal until marriage, but has she told you WHY she has made a chastity vow?

I can not see how in the future a woman would be adamant she remain pure and virginal, but be fine with you being with other women? Get to know this woman better before you entertain the idea of marriage.

While she knows that "men have needs" she also needs to understand that some men ONLY want one woman and being told "Im waiting until marriage" actually puts undo pressure on a man who does not value that choice. If you accept that arrangement, you might find someone who suits you better! Does she understand that risk?

You also get to decide what you want to do. If you enter in a committed relationship with the freedom to get sex where you want may end up biting you later on. She could always use that against you that she "allowed" you to do this or be upset later that you accepted the offer.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

She might just be testing you to see if you would have sex with a other women.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

It could be a test. Seeing if what you actually need is infact sex. If you tell her you'll wait with her, I'm sure it'll blow her away.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

Good Lord, this is an understanding woman! Hold onto this one. I would love to find her myself and I don't just mean to be able to cheat on her.

I suggest you don't cheat on her either. You don't really want to do it from the sound of it anyway.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

OP Here. I should add some information in response to xanthic. First of all, thank you for your answer. She's said this to me more than once and we've spoken about it a couple of times. The first time she said this to me I told her that I couldn't have sex with anyone else because I am truly in love with her. She responded with a smile and said it was a bit of a test. A few weeks later, we go back to my house drunk from a party and things are getting hot. She stops me and tells me that she feels bad for making me "suffer" for her and said her offer is still on the table.

I've also talked about doing other things like oral sex and doesn't want to go there... I could see myself marrying her, and she's said the same to me.

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A female reader, frndz4life India +, writes (31 August 2011):

If u really love her then you must respect her decisions!! she is right in a way too. you need to make out what are your priorities are love or sexc and make decisions accordingly.

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A male reader, mistermann United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2011):

I think this is very much a case of her not wanting to force her beliefs on you. I can understand why she has said it, she is obviously trying to be fair.

However, I doubt that if you took her up on the offer it wouldn't affect her. As much as she is trying to be fair, I'm sure she would be extremely upset if you did.

If I were in your situation and she was the woman of my dreams I would have to accept the situation and compromise. I'd find it tough, but if my feelings were strong enough for her I'd get over it.

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

xanthic agony auntShe has already decided what she wants and doesn't seem to be open to compromise. You need the decide if this is something you can handle for the next year or two, or if the sexual aspect of a relationship is too important for you to give up for any length of time. Giving you permission to sleep with other women may have been her way of testing you, to find out whether sex is more important to you or not. At least, I hope that's the case, and that she doesn't truly have so little respect for herself. Ultimately, you need to figure out what you want in the future and if you can see this relationship as a long-term one. If so, there are other things both of you can do in the meantime, depending on her beliefs. Speak to her about it.

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A male reader, Advice_man United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

Advice_man agony auntMy friend, you found a treasure!!! This sounds like the woman of my dreams too! Be very careful not to ruin this and hurt this girl and loose her. This blessing only comes once in a lifetime, appreciate it. You found the woman of your dreams and she is a virgin and she is saving herself just for you and above all she has christian values and beliefs! Don't even make thoughts sleeping with someone else, regardless if she says it's ok. Best wishes!

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