A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please bare with me on this, it's a little tricky.Okay, I've recently entered a 'friends with benefits' situation with a friend of mine (we use contraception) but before that we did class ourselves as being in a relationship due to the strong emotions we have for have for eachother. Thing is, he's married with a 3 year old kid.He tells me about how his wife lied about being on the pill, cheated on him before marriage, allows her family to full on abuse him, persistantly lies to him and even goes so far as to make herself sick to stop him from going out. Emotional abuse basically. Whilst he's said that our natural fit makes him happy and that he could imagine a happy life between us he says he's waiting for things to 'fizzle out' with his wife and everytime they have a big argument(every week so far) she leaves for her parents house and he still takes her back.I love this guy, but I'm really worried about him to a point it makes me sick(I've lost nearly a stone in under two weeks) I have an Anxiety Dissorder with Depression and he makes me feel wonderful but it sometimes i'm left wondering if i'm just 'the other woman'.I feel amazing around this guy, we have similar interests, i even get butterflies in my stomach when i'm about to call him. I don't know what to do about this. It brings me to tears.Please help me agony aunts.
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (12 July 2015):
 Ok first of all he is MARRIED! MARRIED, committed to someone else, loves her enough to marry her, live with her, raise a child with her. Let all that sink in. 2nd you beileve his lies, yes they are lies to get you to sleep with him. He sleeps with you then goes home to his wife she can't be that bad if he still goes home to her every night.Here is the reality they have a toddler to care for, they have jobs and bills to pay, they have real life to deal with together. She his wife prob doesn't want to have sex as much as she's prob knackered by the time she gets home. Tends to her child, coooks dinner, does the housework, ect.He meets you and you don't have all that and can make as much time as he needs you too. Yay why wouldn't he grab that with 2 hands. But to him nothing more than sex, he returns back to his wife afterwards as life with her is what he really wants. Your life with all your anxiety and issues, and he is at home playing happy families! Wake up! Stop letting this man use you, he ain't leaving her. If he does or she chucks him out after she finds out, he will do the same to you. If he can do it with you, he can do it to you.She's his wife and the mother of his child and he's still cheating in her. so don't have any delusions in that one.Your destroying a family here, stop it!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 July 2015):
 Here's what I saw when I read your submittal: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,....Please help me agony aunts."
Well... I'm an Uncle, not an Aunt.... but my wisdom is great. What I can tell you is that you are chasing a rainbow....
Don't waste your time. This guy is CHEATING on his wife, with you.... AND, it's reasonable to predict that his fidelity instincts are weak or non-existent.... so - when the time comes - he will be cheating on you. WHY take that chance? Dump him and move on with your life...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): IF you LOVE somebody= NO FBuddies.Nope.Nope.Nope.IF someone is ALREADY in a relationship= you can NOT be in a relationship too. For very simple and obvious reasons (unless you live in the wild west and you are Amish... or Muslim...or any of those religions that allow several wives for one man. But I wonder what his excuse would have been then).You know what?I'm Muslim actually and IN ORDER for the guy to take on a 2nd, 3rd or whatever wife he either has to be extremely poor or (normal situation) extremely rich. WHY? Because he has to prove to HER family that he can provide a comfortable life for her and cater to all her needs. That would normally mean a separate house (normally it is frowned upon if two of the wives live in the same house. At least where I am from), a discussion with her family/her about how much time he intends to spend with her, how many children he'd like etc. etc. (Btw, funny info on that:http://gulfnews.com/news/uae/courts/wife-seeks-divorce-over-sexual-fulfilment-1.1458419 This case she didn't win,but I know a case in which the woman won-very similar to the one above. So technically the man has to prove that he can satisfy your every need).IS he PROVIDING anything for you? Nope. Just cares about the sex and places the burden on your shoulders (by unleashing all that negativity related to his MARRIAGE ffs on you that really is no business of yours).L-E-A-V-E.If you stay, you deserve all the pain that is coming your way because you have CHOSEN to stay in a miserable situation.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (11 July 2015):
 Yes, you are the other woman and everything he says about his marriage is a lie. He is saying all those things about his marriage so that the pity he tells you will keep you hooked on sex with him. Basically, his stories he tells you are tales that induce you to have sex with him.
Like others have said, your story is such a cliche and it is mind boggling that women would still fall for such BS these cheating husbands put out.
If he has no scruples to lie on his wife just think what less scruples he has for you. The fact that he is a liar to his wife yet still keeps her tells you that you are even less worth to him for any truth.
FWB is such an awful arrangement, particularly for a woman, because she craves attachment and acceptance but in FWB all she gets is cold sex and lies. I am uncomfortable when I conclude that FWB is an "unpaid prostitution" but regrettably, and ultimately it is, even though the female is often the victim. But as Ciar just noted, by staying with him you are also an accomplice. So please find the way to extract yourself from this situation by dropping that cheater ASAP.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (11 July 2015):
 You're the other woman.
We really do come across these scenarios so often it's a nauseating cliché. All these different women of different ages from different locations might as well be the same person because their posts, just like yours, are virtually identical.
You have nothing but his word that his wife is a tyrant but you've chosen to believe it because it makes it easier for you to continue doing what you've been doing.
And even if she were nasty, you have no idea what she's had to put up with from him to be in the state she's in today. You get all the fun parts while she gets the heavy lifting.
I suspect this history of making poor choices is at the heart of your anxiety and depression.
This arrangement is going nowhere, but make no mistake - you are not a victim here. You're an accomplice.
Honeypie is spot on, as usual.
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A
female
reader, mrspiggy +, writes (11 July 2015):
 In a word. Yes.
Leave him. You deserve better. And his wife deserves more respect from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): I left an abusive relationship because I wanted to be happy again.I didn't need to meet someone else to do that.Even so, if your bf's home life makes him so miserable why is he choosing that over happiness with you?Maybe his wife pretends to be sick because she thinks he's going out to cheat on her. Maybe his family abuse him because they know he's cheating on their daughter. Maybe she lies to him to try and keep him from going off to see you. Who knows?As Honeypie said she could be a sociopath and it doesn't give him the right to abuse his marriage and cheat. That's what divorce is for.I don't understand the idea of his marriage 'fizzling out' given that from his description it's dreadful anyway. Surely it's way beyond that now?It's your choice of course but given that all the anxiety is causing you to lose weight, don't you think you deserve someone that puts you first?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): "I have Anxiety Disorder with Depression"!!! Wooah - Stop right there!!! -
I would get yourself sorted out first - before you start messing around with a married man & creating more problems for yourself!!
Whether he is having a nightmare with his wife or not should be no concern of yours - he is wrong involving you in his marriage just for a FWB & you are wrong for going along with it! Imagine it from the other way round - if you were recently married & going through a rough patch with your husband - would you like him getting sexual with another woman & telling her all of your problems? No - I guess not?
If I were you - I would step back out of this situation! Married means married - & you shouldn't be involved no matter what he tells you! If one day he comes along divorced & still wants you then - then maybe go for it - if you can trust each other - but from the outside - this looks like one crazy situation!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 July 2015):
 You know, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that "song and dance" from a married guy about how HORRIBLE the wife is.. yet he usually have an equally long list of excuses as to WHY he can't leave.
I call BS.
She might be a total cow and banshee - but he is CHOOSING to stay married to her. So HIM having a horrible marriage... IS SOMETHING he is choosing.
It is ALWAYS easier to get another woman (you) in bed, if he claims to not be happy at home. You just feel the the typical cheating husband TRITE.
What you are doing is exacerbate your OWN anxiety/depression by being with a man who is using you. Yes, he IS using you.
And what IF.. he left her for you... HOW long do you think it would be before he got "bored" with you and found someone else to screw around with?
I'm sorry, YOU are the other woman. IF he really CARED for you he wouldn't USE you. He would end his marriage and when the ink is dry DATE you... but he is not.
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