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From a dream to a nightmare....

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 July 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 3 July 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi everybody... If I came here to look for help it means that I'm really f*** up at this point... Well I'll try to make the long story short.

My and my bf (?) meet up 7 months ago, trough internet. I couldn't belive I'fe founded a guy like him: the first 2 months and a half were magic, he gave me attentions like anybody did it before, his sensitivity astonished me. I'm not talking about romantic things like flowers or gift, but calls 5 times a day, talking hours over the phone,being always attentive, he adored me.

I fell for him, and he seemed fell for me. I was an easy catch in some ways, he started spend whole weekends to my place and since i love to cook I spoiled him on this, we easily became very intimate.

I'm from another country, so sometimes we had some cultural misunderstandig, easily figured out, since we both have an open mind. Well he also was very honest with me about some bad stuff of his past, his shallow realatinships, he told me since the beginning that he wanted something serius (becouse he knew that that's what I wanted) so we automatically became exclusive.

He started being somewhat paranoid about the fact that I may wanted to 'use' him and marry him for convenience, thing that I tried in anyway to deny, trough my actions, I always showed him love, care and respect, no matter what.

But as at the very beginning he was so open and upbeat, after 3-4 months he starded to mistrust me, from stupid to serius things, taking me for guranteed in someways... At the same time, he knew a lot of stuff of my life here, but I never met no one of his friends, family member, nothin... But I always tried to be understanding, since he said this was his first 'relationship'.

Anyway... Since he wanted to spend any minute with me and we don't live in the same city, I always made time for him, even last minute... He started to don't plan nothin, we had a serial of routine-week-end always to my place, eating, talking, doing stuff, douring the winter, and then I thought that with the spring the things could change but they're getting worst. Also because he's going trough a lot of troubles in his family, that even if I don't know, he talks me about a bit.

He knows that I want to meet them and he told me that they also want... We had talks about it and almost 2 months ago he said this will happen soon.

BUT, he started getting really lazy with me, like spending week ends 'at home' watching sport (not only for this, but also 'couse he works and he can take care of home stuff and family only on the we) and also once he dumped me with no reasons... then we broke up and after talks and talks, where then he opens up a lot, we decided to work things out, he reaffirmed he loves me and that I'm the only woman he wants.

So I was very happy, a month and a half ago, because I really appreaciated his will to figure out his comunications handicaps, his being open.

But things are worst then ever... After a couple of good week end together, were I was all happy (oh, that's my mistake i started always proposing let's do this, let's plan this other thing, not because I'm a control freak, just because he's not good at that and our schedules are crazy) one we he totally dumped me. We we're supposed to stay together and he disappeared. The following monday he told me that something bad happened to his family. Ok, as very often, he said it afterwards. Well anyway that week end I decided to stop my behaviour, to stop pursuing him, be totally drama-free, play cool, and see what will going to happen. Ah, and almost stop my calls, just returning his.

1st week, he keeps call every day, texts, being nice, feeling a little neglect... Second week, texts, 3 calls in a week...He offer me a last minute date as always, but for the 1st time in 7months I said i alread had plans... He started playng cool as well like he's doing things, he's seeing friends (I never said he couldn't!) trying to make me gelous.

Well, I havent seen him for 3 weeks now. He hasn't call me up in 4 days.

I terribly miss him,I love him, I feel so bad, but at the same time my self esteem in this relationship was slumping.

Plus his whole world it's a mistery to me... Still after 7 months, so I'm getting very souspicious that here there is something really wrong.

I maybe gave him too much, but I think if you really love someone, you don't let it go like this, he may realize that he's missing someone special.

I look forward to hear your opinions, thanks.

View related questions: broke up, flowers, self esteem, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you very much for your advice TimmyD. I think you're right.

I'm not blaming myself, not looking for him, but... I still have this silly hope that everything it may be all right. I'm still so much in love.

I really don't get why, seriousy, people love me, my friend are supportive and loyal, and HE is treating me like that.

Any other opinion by anybody else will be welcome:)

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (1 July 2010):

TimmD agony auntYou didn't do anything wrong. Don't put any blame on yourself. This man is a text book case of TROUBLE. He is showing all of the signs of a man with major issues that will never allow himself to commit to you or any relationship for that matter.

I know it's difficult. I know you love him. And I know your mind is going to try to convince you he is a good man, and since you had good times in the past you can do that again.... but it won't happen. If you continue trying to make things work with this man you will be forever in this cycle of him leaving and coming back. We've seen it MANY times.

You need to do 2 things. First, remove him from your life. Completely. 100% gone. If you give him even a little bit of room he will squeeze himself back in and continue to torture you. Second, you need to realize that you did nothing wrong. It's not your fault. This is just the kind of man he is. This is the type of man he will ALWAYS be.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts. And I know it isn't what you want to hear. But you deserve better than this...

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