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I am in love with my best friend's husband

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 November 2004) 98 Answers - (Newest, 21 January 2011)
A , anonymous writes:

Over the past few years I have come to have very strong feelings for one of my dear friends husband. I am also married. As much as I try to move past these feelings I cannot. I know to feel this way is morally wrong. I just don't know how to stop. I think these feelings started with the extra attention he would frequently show me. When I confronted him with my feelings he acted flattered, and continued to flirt. Although he says that he would never do anything to risk damage to the life he has. I don't want that for him or myself either. It seems though that these feelings will never fade. Should I try to shut him out of my life all together? Please help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011):

I would like to add as the wife it feels like the doctor just told me both of my children will be gone in a couple months and you can't hold or touch them. Breaking up is like morning the deaths of a loved one. Worse i will see them but can't touch them kiss them anymore. I know it suck but you can't be friends with the other sex cause feeling always develope. Don't start. End it now.

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A female reader, phoenix96 United States +, writes (21 January 2011):

my therpist said something today....ending a marraige does not end the problem it changes one set of problems for bigger ones.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010):

I am totally in lust/love with my close friend's husband. I am married (for 15 years, 4 kids), our marriage is solid but not fulfilling, we are not emotionally close. My friend and her husband have a wonderful marriage and a gorgeous family. Our two families are very close for the past 14 years and we see eachother often. I would be horrified to ruin the lovely happy bond we all have.

I have always been atracted to the husband, it has never led to anything but we've always flirted harmlessly.

However, when we kiss goodbye, I have noticed that he has subtly started to kiss me on the lips rather than the cheek. It's becoming more and more evident that maybe the feeling is mutual. I just can't stop thinking about how it would feel to really kiss him.....i I just re-live the feel of his lips on mine, over and over...help!! I also feel attracted to, and respect him as a person, he is thoughtful and gentle in a way that my husband will never be. I wish we could get together but I know it can't happen, it would never happen.

I just wish i could capture some of these feelings and direct them towards my own husband. What do you do when you feel youve married the wrong man but you don't want to hurt anyone? I feel so trapped and so frustrated but I love my children and my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010):

I am married to my husband for 9 years now, with a kid of 6. We have seen our share of problems. Major issue for him are my parents, and I have done nothing about it. My best friend who is now divorced for more than 10 years with a kid has fallen in love with my husband and my husband is in love with her as well. She has gone through a lot of shit in her life. her daughter is now recovering from a malignant tumor and all that. She told him she would kill herself if I come to know about this. I know she will feel like shit if she knows I know. They will end all contact and so forth. My issue is, they are in LOVE. They are not having an affair, they have not touched each other in anyway. My heart says, if they have a chance at happiness why not give it to them. what do I do?

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A female reader, BEBE75 United States +, writes (25 July 2010):

I'm sorry but I'm going through the same situtation right now and guess what? NO ONE is PERFECT! This is something that just happened and it was never planned. I've come to realization that things happen for a reason whether there good or bad? Its all about experience and this is one experience I will never regret...Considering your the BEST FRIEND of the wife, you should not be in her home and act as if nothing happened. Keep your distance! Whatever outcome comes from this, would be worth it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010):

I have been married for 7 years now. I will always love my husband. When we first got together I hated one of his best friends. For 2 years i just could not stand him. Nothing he did really it was just a gut thing. I saw everything he went through for years. The mother of his children is just down right mean and hateful to him. They have never married but have lived together for over 12 years. She is an evil person. He claims she didn't always used to be like this.

I started having some problems with my husband this year and his friend and I became closer and closer while we worked out our problems with each other. We became closer and closer over the last few years. Now that we are both about fed up with our lives we are truly starting to fall in love with each other. At least that's how I feel. We both know that if we are ever single at the same time there would be no question to the fact that we would be together for a very long time.

I know in my heart that it is wrong and that my husband will be crushed if I do leave. I don't want that truly but I am to the point I can't take the lack of responsibility any more. For once in my life I want someone to take care of me not just me taking care of them.

I am not sure if what I feel when I am around my lover is true love or mistaken lust. I do know what it feels like and it feel more real than anything I have ever felt before.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010):

My husband and I became good friends with a girl I worked with and her husband. We all became inseparable and spent alot of time together. One drunken New Years Eve, when he and I were alone, he kissed me. I never was attracted to him prior to this. He told me he was incredably attracted to me despite wanting to make things work with his wife with whom he had been having problems. We all continued to spend time together and I found myself becomming more and more attracted to him. We had a few other kissing and groping sessions but no sex. We never contacted each other outside of the time we were all together as coupes

One night, after I had an argument with my husband, I went over to their house alone. My girlfriend went to bed, we had all been drinking. He and I were alone and were in the thoes of passion with clothes coming off when she walked in the room. She went bizerk when she saw this (naturally) and called my husband and HER PARENTS to report what she saw. I apologized to her and promised to keep my hands off her husband.

she accepted my apology a bit too easily.

On future encounters we both had difficulty keeping our hands off each other despite our firm resolutions to do so. His wife was very villigant of our time together watching our every move.

I came to find out she had made several passes at MY husband several months before this incident occured. In fact she was in full knowledge of having made passes at my husband when she caught me with hers. I confromted her about her advances when I finally found out about them and she refused to talk to me about it citing she was now pregnant with their first child and that I was a home wrecker for havng brought up her affair with my husband to her husband.

They no longer speak to us despite out attempts to reconcile with them and the friendship is a complete loss. My marriage to my husband remains strong. He knew everyting. I love my husband and he loves me and treats me like a princess. I never felt in love with my friend's husband. It was complete lust. It was how he made me feel: sexy, desirable and absolutely bulletproof when I was around him. THAT is what I was attracted to...the ego boost.

I am embarassed and ashamed by my actions. My feelings of lust at the time were so strong and such a surprise to me that I was utterly powerless over them. My relationship with my girlfriend was never that good so I never felt remorse over what I did to her. I gusss I justified my actions by saying she deserved what she got beause she treated her husband and us as friends so badly. Perhaps I was subconsciously trying to punish her for not having been a better friend to me.

I still think about him 6 months later but my constant sexual fantacies about him have dissipated pretty substantially. He is really not my type. He is completely henpecked by his wife and is weak in character. Other than a very cute face, I have no idea what attracted me. UNLESS IT WAS HOW HE MADE ME FEEL. The EGO trip. The whole thing wasn't worth it. What surprised me the most was how long it took me to get over the loss I felt for the relationship. I still struggle with it. Why do I feel this way when I really never liked the her and was only in lust with him? Any ideas?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010):

It's great until the wife finds out. The worst is your lying to your husbands/wifes and your best friend. I am the wife and I hate my husband and my so called friend. Friends don't do that the friends period.

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A female reader, hotmommanell United States +, writes (21 January 2010):

Cool your jets, all of you ladies. Just because you’re feeling a strong physical/chemical attraction to these men means nothing more than that. You have no idea how it will turn out, if you went for it. It could easily turn sour. Don’t you think his wife had the same strong yearnings for him (and visa versa) why else do you think he married her?

My advice to you all is to stop spending time with the crush, get a life, get a boyfriend, re-commit to your relationship if you’re in one (you once felt that rush for the man you’re currently with at one time), or get out of current relationship and focus on you.

You are NOT in love with these crushes. You are in LUST. Stop feeding that lust with your little fantasies about how “she” done treated him wrong, etc. You have no idea what’s going on with them. All you can see is the halo around the head of the man your loins are aching for!

If he leaves her and comes to you, so be it. But you’ll never know until you stop your fantasy relationship and refocus on YOUR LIFE.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009):

Getting him out of your life is probably your best be. I am in love with my husbands best friend and I know no matter what it will not end good so I have to either enjoy it casualy or end it. I decided to end it a few times but find myself running back to him all the time. Our lives are so intertwined that we always end up in a position where it is too easy to continue our affair. I find time apart is the easiest and I am sure you will too! Good Luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009):

I found the sweet attention from a friend's husbad to be very flattering and it caused me to develop a crush on him. The mutual attraction keeps the crush alive and if I could ensure it would be all harmless, positive feelings, I would let it go on forever! But the truth is it's distracting me from household responsibilities, enjoying my child (who is growing so fast) and lavishing attention on my husband. I used to love how he made me feel, now the fear of my crush being discovered or being the topic of gossip has me terrified. Gotta undo this! It's hard, isn't it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009):

I posted back on May 15 and wanted to update. After a few weeks of trying to avoid me I found him touching my hand and it didn't take long for him to be seeking me out again. He started playing with my feet under the table at dinner, or giving me secret winks and it went on from there.

He loves me, I love him more deeply than ever and I can't imagine how I can live without him. And yet, he says he still loves his wife and tells me repeatedly that he will never leave her, largely because of financial reasons. I don't understand how he can love her and do what he does to me.

I could never say no to him. I have totally given up all dignity and pride where he is concerned and he always gets what he wants. We have had sex many more times, only ever having 5 minutes to do so, but every other minute we spend alone is spent holding hands, cuddling and trying to figure out why we do this when it can't go anywhere. We both find sex is so much better with each other than our partners.

Meanwhile, his wife is so nasty to him most of the time. We all go through hell while she manipulates him, treats him like crap, makes sarcastic comments to him and about him, and blames him for every imaginable thing. Then he does whatever he has to, bends over backwards to make her happy and make up with her and they live in sickening phony marital bliss for the next week or so until the cycle starts again. I am left alone, crying, in agony that I can't be with the one true love of my life and wondering how I can stay with my husband knowing that I don't love him as much as the other man. I'm stuck in an alternate reality where I dream of being with him and I'm afraid I'm losing my mind. Because you would think that an experienced mature intelligent woman would be able to stop herself from getting into this situation.

I try to come to the conclusion that if I get mad at him for hurting me then I'll be able to get over him. But I try and then he is so nice to me and his eyes just melt me into him through my eyes and its like my molecules are drawn into him. That is why you can't just say "Don't do it because it is wrong".

He is a beautiful intelligent funny confident interesting man and SO good looking and has fire in his eyes. My husband doesn't.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009):

I am going through the same thing. I outwardly admitted to a close friend just yesterday that I am in love with another friend's husband. I am married with 2 children and I love my husband, but our marriage lacks passion - something I had in a previous relationship that i have pined for ever since. I dated my friend's husband for a little while before marrying mine and while I was desperately attracted to him, I just felt we had nothing to say to one another. I was also nursing a broken heart and just wasn't ready to see anyone else yet, but he always lingered in the back of my mind. While we dated we never so much as held hands, but G-d, I wanted to! Fast forward 5 years later. We, my husband, myself, this man's wife - we are all good friends. And his wife is nuts. She's a lovely human being, a good soul, good heart, but she is crazy and drives him crazy. And lord, how we flirt. Sometimes we email - never calling, never texting, but I always want more. He is lovely - sexy, smart, socially appropriate, steadfast in his beliefs, and just an all-around good guy- in my eyes, at least. I know he is unhappy with his wife- it's completely obvious.

He flirts with me a lot and I know he has a crush on me and for all these years I thought I just had a a crush. I told my self it was ok, it was normal, I'm married, not dead. But then I started going out of my way for them - picking up their kids, inviting them over, and putting up with his wife's insanity just so I could be near him. Then one time I was alone with him and I had such an urge to run over to him, throw my arms around him and kiss him. And three years later I still feel the same way. it is so hard because I am wracked with guilt over how I feel. I would never want to hurt my friend or my husband because they are both wonderful people, but I cannot, as much as I have tried, stop feeling the way I do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009):

This is definitely a terrible place to be. You just kind of forget that your friend's husband isn't a guy...you know? He gets into that "safe" zone of another friend and makes it past all of your defenses without even realizing that things have progressed to a point past friendship. I love all of my friends and didn't even realize I felt anything stronger for my friend's husband until he made a move on me. It's an awkward, horrible place full of guilt and shame...and yet, it's hard to reject someone you consider a friend and call him out as a two-timer. I want to stay friends with both of them, but how do you distance yourself without really telling the friend what's going on? Withdrawing abruptly would only confuse and hurt my friend. It's not going to make me feel any better to cause problems in their marriage. I know he's not going to ever leave her and I would never even suggest or hint at it.

You can't be objective when you're heart's involved...and it's a complicated situation.

Vacation seems like the best bet to me. A nice trip to get out of the situation without your friend feeling like you've abandoned her. Different perspective can make you realize the truth of the attraction. You don't consider the husband of your friend as anything but an extension of her in a way...safe...trustworthy...and not interested in anything sexual beyond his wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009):

I'm in the same boat. Attracted to my friend's gorgeous husband, and lustfully drawn to him as well. I've felt this way for the past three years and these feelings grow stronger each time I see him. And while it may be bold of me to say, I feel that he and I have an unspoken connection. From the way he looks at me, through me, to how the room feels different when he enters, to all the similarities we share, and the many things we have in common. We even finish each other's sentences. I have dreams and fantasies about him. And, truth be told, I sometimes wonder if I spend as much time as I do with my friend only so that I can spend maybe 10 minutes near him. How sad, I know.

Neither of them know how I feel. Or maybe they do and have never said anything, which is more than fine by me. And I do love my friend, I do. But I catch myself at times feeling tense or distant when we spend time together. These feelings are so strong that I often take time out and avoid them both for a while. What other choice do I have? Or should I share my feelings with my friend, and ask that when she and I spend time together that he is no where near? I can't imagine how she would react. So I remain quiet. I've had to put on such an act, a brave face, that I'm beginning to no longer feel like myself anymore.

Honestly I would never cross any boundaries because one, I know it is wrong and two, I know myself well enough to know that guilt would wrack my conscience.

But I do enjoy the fantasy. When it's not tearing me apart.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009):

Having read so many posts on this subject and having survived my husband cheating with a so-called friend, the I can assure you that she, the other woman, does not care about the wife AT ALL! Indeed the wife is just collateral damage in her, the other woman's, headlong rush to please herself and "see where this is heading". She loves the romance, the intrigue and the attention and starts off by hoping that he will fall madly in love with her. Starts off as a big ego boost and she feels attractive, smart, witty, etc. She is usually sure that she can "control" the situation so it doesn't get out of hand. The last thing on her mind is the feeling of his wife and she justifies this by saying that the marriage couldn't have been that happy if he was flirting/coming onto her in the first place.

This is absolute nonsense - all marriages go through dull or bad patches and just because you're married doesn't mean you don't notice or flirt with members of the opposite sex. She could ignore/discourage him but no, her need for male attention drives her to encourage and flirt with him until the inevitable happens. THEN she gets hooked on him, which is usually when he loses interest in her and starts wanting to make it up with his wife. When he ends it with her, the whingeing and whining begin but even is she pretends she feels guilt for messing with her friend's husband, SHE DOES NOT. All she wants is to make it up with her friend so she can have another crack at prising the husband away! If you know he's taken - back off! You can't control your feelings and he most married men get bored and want their marriages back anyway, so you're on a hiding to nowhere. Find your own man and stop being so selfish!

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A female reader, UnfinishedSymphony  +, writes (14 September 2009):

UnfinishedSymphony agony auntyou see i couldn't put the happiness of those i care for in jepordy. i know your happiness is important to but to wreck someones marriage, its a no go zone.marriage to me is a commitment.which all people should respect.if you were to get involved with your friends husband, then you'd loose her.i guess i couldn't do that, i'd try my best to move on..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009):

I secretly am crushing on a friends husband. I don't think he knows, I am way to scary to act on it,or to even say anything to him, but I fantasize about him constantly, I don't think I would ever act on it, but the unpredictable part about it is, I'm not married, nor in a relationship so the lonliness in me takes over and yes sometimes I feel if he were to say something to me, I would take the opp and run with it, but at the same time I was cheated on in a previous relationship and I hated the way it felt. No I didn't know the person, and kids weren't envolved (his and mine) but it still hurt. confused, Lonely, Sexually frustrated, one never knows what your capable of until the situation presents itself. I'm praying I won't have to make that decision, but at the same time I would like to see how I would handle it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009):

I am glad I found this post. I have been with my husband since I was 19, that is 15 years, married 9 years. His best friend since childhood met a girl around the same time. We all became best of friends and have remained very, very close for the past 15 years. I have always been physically attracted to my husbands best friend but nothing more. Something changed about 5 months ago. It started with innocent texts, and continued from there. We both have children and spend a considerable amount of time with each other alone while the kids are playing. We talk and talk and I love to listen to him and here what he has to say (something his wife could care less about). He listens to me and makes me smile and remembers little things about me that my husband cant even remember. We are intimate when we have the chance. I really dont know where go with this. My head is a mess. I cant imagaine my life without him. Im also still in love with my husband, I just think he isnt my soulmate. I ask my self daily...am I 15 or 35?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

You know I always wonder about these sanctimonious people who say "well, if you cared for you friend, you'd walk away", or think that women in this situation are loose, sluts, evil, etc. etc. Do they not realise that it is not that easy to just walk away. That the reason we find ourselves posting on here is that we are so wracked with guilt, but we can simply not change the way we feel?? There's no way anyone would willingly place themselves in this position!

Having said that though.... I have learnt that this is a recipe for disaster. There is no way 'we' (the women who find themselves in love with their best friends husbands) will ever come out of it unscathed. It hurts like hell.

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A female reader, UnfinishedSymphony  +, writes (31 August 2009):

UnfinishedSymphony agony auntIf you cared about you're friends happiness that much, you'd walk away regardless of how painful it must be. sometimes you have to put others before yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009):

I posted last October 26 and I wanted to update. So much for turning a crush on someone else into positive feelings for your husband! I haven't been able to do it yet!

It's still a mutual crush. We haven't talked about it. We haven't even HUGGED. Our families get along soooo well and neither of our spouses seem to realize he and I can barely keep our eyes off each other, although his wife seems to have picked up on something. (ie: she suspects he likes me)

Yes, it's really fun to have a crush and also a messed up rollercoaster ride. Hubby and I are out of the worst of the rough patch and have concentrated on respecting each other a lot more, which has helped.

Now here's the real problem. Mr. Crush has gotten much better looking out of nowhere. Before, I was attracted to his physical build & how tall he is. But he's got a sexy new hair style and SOMETHING about him seems different. He's freaking HOT! And of course he can read it on my face. (Let's be honest, my deliberate long stares have totally clued him in. It's mutual.) So my crush is feeding his crush and his crush is feeding my crush. You'd think without ANY physical contact whatsoever that it would just go away but no, it hasn't. So I'm still trying to turn all the lust on my hubby and enjoy that we have good friends in this couple. Plus eye candy! :D

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009):

I am so pleased reading this stories and knowing that am not aloone! I moved from the USA to UK a year ago, have two children and a wonderful husband- I got my kids into school and met this lovely woman who now happens to be freind- I love her dearly and our kids play together, we've had dinner and outings together as couples- I have never cheated on my husband but- we had a ball party recently and I was sitting next to my freinds husband who started a move on me- first just stroking my legs..I had shivers all over my body- I never expected this to happen- he looked at me and asked me whether he should stop...I could not resist the danger , the temptation and the overwhelming feelings in my body. so I said NO.one thing led to another- we flirted all night..

the next morning I rang to find out what was going on..but then he said he didnt know what had gone into him- he had fancied me from the moment he saw me..so we greed to meet for lunch and talk about it..Because even though nothing had happened I was feeling very guilty, ashamed, I felt as though I had betrayed my freind and my husband.

we met for lunch and had a few drinks..the flirting started again..he offered me a drink at his place in london but we couldnt keep our hands off each other all the way to london..we kissed and made love on his wifes bed..it all happened very quickly and we both stopped in the middle..I felt sick to the stomach- he felt guilty too and we decided to stop..I left and havent seen his wife since..I have been able to gather my thoughts about this lust that came over me from no where..I have now put it to drink- I realise now more than ever before how much I love my husband, and how much respect I have for my friend..I feel so ashamed and guilty about the whole thing- But I truly believe that this had to happen for me to realise what I have to loose..

If you are tempted on going there with best freinds husband-please stop and think again about your relasionship-pour that effort and lust in your onw marriage and things will work out for the best- I have since been a the most wonderful wife and mother- I have learned my lesson and if I had read all this articles before allowing my lust to take over me- probably things would have been different. if you have a lovely home please do not destroy it for the sake of lust and temptation. it's the work of the devil..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009):

Although i have been given the best gift god can give i am still going threw the bs.I met my now ex-bestfriend almost 3-4 years ago.She was WONDERFUL she would give me the shirt off her back if i needed it..It all happend so fast she threw a party for another friend of ours & a couple of us were playing poker that is when her husband came on to me.He had the looks,personality,& everything you could want in a man.Well i ignored him coming on to me because nothing like this has every happend to me before well he got my number out of his wifes cell phone & called i would always say im busy well one day i was so sick & needed soup & gatoraide & some tylenol so i called her he answerd told him to have her call me not long after there was a knock at the door it was him with roses medicine soup a card all kinds of mushy stuff well thats when he came onto me again & it happend in dec 2006 in may 2007 i found out i was pregnant after being told due to cancer i wouldn't have kids well here i was scared to death because 6 pregnancy test told no lie well she found out but thought it was by someone esle & in sep 2007 they were divorced & in oct we were married everything was wonderful until he got sick with cancer then his parents came in & next thing i know i was being charged with arsenic poisoning after spending day & night by their sons side i felt this was my karma for even talking to him.They later dropped the charges b/c the arensic came from the chemo he had been getting after that i forgave his parents as well as him & went back in dec2008 he left our who was then 11months old son at home alone when i arrived he had cried himself to sleep in a dark room when my husband pulled up i told him we were leaving for the night to stay with my mom he then called the police & told them they had 5mins to get to us b/c he was going to kill his wife,son & himself the police showed up rather quickly & baker acted him i then filed for an injunction & the judge granted it indefinate.He took everything except the one thing i hold very dear & thats my baby he will be 2 in jan. i am still waiting on a court date for the divorce he filed for. LADIES IM NOT SAYING THAT THIS IS WHATS GONNA HAPPEN IM SAYING IM A FIRM BELIEVER IN KARMA SOOO PLZ I KNOW IT SOUNDS BAD BUT IF U HAVE TO CLOSE UR EYES & PICTURE A DIFFERENT MANS HEAD ON UR HUSBANDS BODY DO IT BUT DONT TOUCH HIM..I HAVE MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF & GOD & THAT IS NEVER TOUCH OR EVEN FLIRT WITH A MARRIED MAN....i was young & dumb..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

I have a very tight circle of girlfriends, all of whom are married with the exception of myself. I've always really hit it off with one of the husbands in particular. Recently it has become more than that. We eventually divulged to each other what was, by then, an obvious mutual crush. This was several months ago.

Since that time, we have become so close that I would count him as my best friend, and he would say the same of me. He had been unhappy in his marriage to my good friend for some time and is in the process of a divorce which he initiated a little over a month ago. They are still living together and she is not ready to let go of the relationship.

I do not believe that he is doing this to be with me, but I do believe that he would have remained in the unhappy marriage if I had not come along. I have been more intimate with him than what is right, though we have never had sex. I am plagued with guilt all of the time. I don't want to taint what could be a really amazing relationship (and I do think ours would be) with adultery and intrigue. And I don't want to hurt his wife, who is already being hurt enough by the divorce. I love her very much, and it is not an act of intentional evil that I am doing this to her. It is not something that I meant to happen, but we can't help who we love. I (and all of these women who are so confused and guilty as they post here and as they read) am not a thief. I don't want to steal my best friend's husband from her. I want to find someone available and be happy with him--but we can't always get what we want.

I spent this entire afternoon reading every single post on this thread. I came to one conclusion. It is something I could have figured out by myself, but that I might not have had the will power to act on. There is no way that this can end how I want it to, not if it continues how it is.

So this evening I did the hardest thing I've had to do. I told him goodbye. He's said before that we could be great in another life. But for us, another life will never start if we don't put an end to the sordid one we are living now.

The only people who have posted 'happy endings' here, the one's where they didn't completely destroy the people they love--those were the ones who left it up to fate. If we were meant to be together, then we will find one another some day when what we are doing is not wrong. And this is a challenge for me. I will struggle with every minute not to call him, not to write. When I see him in company, it will take all I have not to look up at him and smile in that way that he know's we are still 'us'.

I was afraid to let him go because I fear that this feeling that I feel so strongly will fade away. But if that is the case, then it was never real to begin with, and it was never worth hurting people over. And if it is real, if I have found my soulmate (as I believe I have) then those feelings will not abandon us with such a small thing as time.

For me it is a gamble. Any one of a million things can keep us from finding each other in a year or two (or more) when all of this business is behind us. But it is the only real shot we have. For those of you planning on staying with your spouses--I don't know how you'll do it. This small glimmer of hope is all that is getting me through.

So my advice, to all of you women who feel like there is no good solution to your situation, who can't bring yourselves to hurt your friends, your husbands, your children, but who can't turn your backs on what I know to be irresistibly strong emotions (love or lust, right or wrong)--please stop and think. Maybe you'll have the opportunities I've had to look into the eyes of your lover over lunch and then spend that same evening consoling his distraught wife. Take that time to wonder where your feelings for her are when you hold him, kiss him. I couldn't tell you, myself. It is like I was two different people. I still am. I still love him, the desire to see him, to think about him every minute isn't magically gone from me.

But tonight I'll sleep well for the first time since this started. I might cry myself to sleep over this ending I've created for myself, and I might dream of a new beginning--but I'm shedding the shame and the remorse that has been with me all this time, too.

To him: I am sorry that I have left you without your best friend during such a difficult time in your life. To her: I am sorry that I am not as true a friend as you need or deserve, but in this I am choosing your well-being over his, and over my own happiness--it isn't much but it is all I can give you.

I hope I have helped someone who reads this, but even if I don't, I've gotten it all off my chest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009):

I have also found myself in a similar desperate situation. We became extremely close friends with another couple a few years ago. My 15y marriage was not so hot and we hardly ever had sex, I was depressed and felt very alone. I started to have feelings for the other man a couple of years ago and fantasized about him all the time, I couldn't get him off my mind, but never in my wildest dreams did I think anything would ever happen. My husband and his wife knew I loved him, I can't hide it but I would tell them I love him as a very close friend. I was always so happy when we were with them, we have so much fun when we're all together. Several months ago we all got drunk and he and I ended up alone. He told me he had feelings for me ever since we met and was also fantasizing about me, although he still loves his wife. I was shocked but it just made me so happy. I told him I had been in love with him for a long time and we kissed and played around a bit. Our relationship got so close over the next couple of months, we both tried to organize time when we could be alone together, usually only for a few minutes, even if it was just to talk. I felt like he was my boyfriend. We got on so well and it felt so natural and right. We ended up having the best, explosive sex, on two occasions, but it was so good it left us wanting more. We would love to be able to lie naked and spend a whole night together. He started feeling that his wife wasn't turning him on any more and it made him feel guilty that he couldn't satisfy her, but when he touched me he would be on fire. He would wake up at night cuddling her, thinking it was me. About a month ago he told me we could only be friends as he was terrified of being caught and wants to make his marriage work. I am now in a terrible state. I love him so much and he makes sure that we are never in a situation alone together. Our family lives are so intertwined that there is no way we can stop seeing them without the truth coming out, nor do I want to, but it hurts so much when he avoids me. I cry all the time, my husband knows something is wrong and says I can talk to him, but obviously I can only tell him bits and pieces. I have nobody I can talk to. I didn't want or mean for this to happen, and now I am more broken hearted than I have ever been in my life. My husband is so good and kind to me and I feel horrible and selfish and hate myself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009):

I am also going through the same thing. I am in love with a good friend's husband whom I dated for a little while a few years before I got married. We are all mutual friends, so we see them on a regular basis, our children play together, and it is getting more and more difficult each time I see him. His wife is a sweet woman, but she's is paranoid and nutty. I know she drives him crazy. I adore my husband, but he also kind of drives me crazy. I think my friend's husband is so much better suited for me and now that I know him so much better, I wonder why in the world we broke up so many years ago and I completely regret breaking up with him. He is very flirty with me, but I am told he is flirty in general. I am exceptionally attracted to him and I find reasons to have he and his wife over so I can see him. I feel terribly guilty because his wife would crap if she knew I felt this way. She is very posessive and insecure, especially when it comes to me because I dated him. She does not get along with his parents and I do, and she even once said to me that she thinks they wish he had married me instead of her! I was horrified because she said it right around the time I started developing strong feelings for him.

When I am around them I can tell he is not happy, but I cannot imagine him ever cheating on her. But secretly, sometimes I wish he would. I dream of him often and it's always me telling him I made a mistake in giving him up, that I love him, and him saying, "Well, why did you do it, then?" Last night I dreamt I pulled him aside and told him I have loved him for 3 years.

I have to say that this is absolute torture. I cry and think about him and wish that he were with me. I know it is completely irrational and I don't know if he feels the same way. I have gotten hints from him that he does, but I am not 100% sure. I know he isn't happy with his wife, but I can never imagine him leaving her.

Then there's my husband. I have been married 13 years and every day I still doubt my decision in marrying him. He is wonderful in a lot of ways, but our marriage lacks the passion that I wanted. I had it with a previous relationship that went terribly sour, and I have never quite gotten over it. i know a relationship isn't supposed to be all passion, but I would just like a little. Maybe that is why I am reaching out to my friend's husband. I hope it goes away.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

I too am having the same bloody dilema as all of you, my dear friends husband came onto to me after a drunken night, and although I had never ever even noticed him before, I do now and it has made me my life an anxious horrible mess. I am back seeing a counsellor. When I confronted this guy after the event he simply said, I couldn't resist you any longer, any longer? I hadn't even noticed he was trying to resist me in the first place. And now to add insult to injury I have formed a complete infactuation around him. I have told him I would never be his lover and then he decided to tell his wife he was leaving her???????? Shit backtrack, this is f&*^ed, his children play with mine, I love his wife, but somehow he has me spellbound, I can only hope and pray that this feeling passes and that I can move on, I really need to as well I am 35 have two children and am single I need to get on with my own life, I have a hatred and a crush on him, hopefully it will pass please god let it pass

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009):

A crush is one thing. Acting on it is something entirely different. Want to fantasize? Fine. Men do it, too. But ask yourself something: What's so bad about my current relationship that I would actually go through with something--with someone else?

If you can't answer that question, and you're married to a wonderful guy, and you can't understand why you'd be thinking about someone like his best friend, call it what it is: a crush. Don't label it love. Stick with the one who's going to stick with you.

It will wear off, whether it takes weeks or months, or even longer. Sometimes removing yourself from temptation is the best answer. I've gone through it. My friends have gone through it. It doesn't last forever, girls, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes. Don't lose hope, and don't lose sight of what's important.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009):

Hang in there ladies. Two things.

1) having a crush or an affair doesn't make you a horrible person. Most married people on average have a crush on someone other than their partner once per decade of marriage. The question to ask yourself is when I'm old and sex no longer is my prime relationship focus, and we're both falling apart physically, do I want my husband by my side? Is the person I married still putting up with my horrible faults? If so, act accordingly. If not, act accordingly.

2) You either grow together or you grow apart. If you are so interetested in this other person, try not seeing them for a month, and focus on being good to your current spouse. Doing all the things you used to do, and telling your spouse the things you wish you could tell your lover. Chances are the lover's crush will fade, and your marriage will actually become stronger.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009):

As common as this is, as I read everyone's stories I feel sad that no one has the answers I'm searching for, and not many of us have a happy ending.

I met and secretly started connecting to my husbands friend. we hang out as couples. we are both married, each of us have strained, very difficult marriages. My husband is a very anger person and is sometimes very mean to me. At the lowest point in my marriage I met and became attracted to his close friend. His relationship with his wife is also very tough, she doesn't see what a wonderful man he is, says she's wants more and doesn't respect him, doesn't provide him the emotional support and love he craves. She doesn't treat him like a man, everyone sees it. It's sometimes difficult to ignore when we all hang out. this is no excuse but rather the catalists that started our connection.

We started off casual, emails, texts, talks- curiousity of the other, then one day our emails changed, our feeling admitted and we were besotted by each other. It's been several months now and things have progressed to a point beyond what I thought I was capable of.

We have passed the boundaries of where each of us thought we would go. Yes we became lovers, I am embarrassed and ashamed to say. We both feel a deep connection, both care for each other and both want to be together. We are good people, got lost along the way, each of us finding something in the other that we are missing in our own lives. I dream of him, I talk to him, I write to him, and when we do see each other, we are lost as if nothing else matters. We can't take our eyes off of each other. But when we are alone, It's blissful, erotic, passionate, intense, energizing, we are captivated by each other, we find in each other all the support and emotional connection we don't share with our partners. We each have not talked about love or where this can go. Both of us want to work at our marriages, stop before it got to this point, but we could not stop, or end it, we desired each other so much that neither one of us has the power to surpress our emotions for each other. We both still try to avoid talking about why we can't stop, we each think about the consequences, but somehow find our way back into each others arms. We are good people, terrible people and unhappy people in our current circumstances. We are lost, lost to move forward, lost to fall to much in love with the other, lost to try to fix our marriages, lost to know who we should be with.

So my question is how do you know you married the right person, what if your connection with another is so strong that you test the bounds of loosing everything for that one person? When they make you feel whole, more than you ever felt with your spouse, when they respect you, see you for who you are, believe in you, trust you, adore you, desire you like no other, could you be living the wrong life, COULD YOU BE WITH THE WRONG PERSON?

Are we meant to be together, is that why we found each other now, why two smart people, who never wanted to hurt anyone, find the deepest connection to risk everything? I read another posting that said people enter our lives for a reason, is there something to that, were we meant to find each other at our hardest points in our marriage? He makes me feel like I matter and we are so besotted by each other that we can't see beyond it sometimes. IS there a higher power that is drawing us together, something that binds us to the other??

There are times when people find each other and know that they were meant to be together, do we risk falling in love to see if this is who we were really suppose to be with or do we stay in our failing marriages that bring us heart ache and by doing so risk loosing a love that could be so deep, so intense that we will never see its match ever again? Could such a passionate love even be denied?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008):

imput regarding "I am inlove w/ my best friends husband"

A. Your best friend came to you because she trusted you as a FRIEND.

B. If you fell inlove with him from what your best friend has told you- youre an awful friend. Instead of being a whore= try being a friend and just listening for once! You're provbably used to lurking for a boyfriend/hook up. Be a friend for once

C. Keep in mind GIRL CODE. If one of your girlfriends has touched/come in oontact/gone out to dinner/ with- leave it at that point- u dont want sloppy seconds.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008):

I am crushing horribly on a friend's husband and have been for about a year. I have been married for almost 11 years to a wonderful man. It has hit me like a cannonball out of nowhere. We both have children and are in seemingly happy marriages. I think about him nonstop. So unlike me. We both lightly flirt, pretty harmless. I do not have any plans of acting on it, although it is nice to daydream a bit!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008):

I'm so glad to see that this is a common problem. I feel like a tramp even thinking this way and I feel so guilty. I really love my own husband. He is a wonderful man and I can't imagine living without him. I feel like there is something wrong with me. This person is actually one of my husband's good friends. I am friends with his wife, but not best friends. I've known both this man and my husband for about 15 years. He has been in and out of our lives and we only see him about 6 to 8 times a year because of where we live. We do flirt, but that has been the extent of our interaction. It seems the more I am away from him, the more I think about him. I don't think I am in love with him, but maybe in lust. I feel myself wanting to kiss him when we're near each other. I wonder if he thinks the same way about me. We do not talk or email and we rarely see each other so it doesn't make sense that I would be constantly thinking about him. I have a crush and have had an ongoing crush for about 2 or 3 years and the crush is off and on. I really think that if I acted on my feelings for him he would most likely go along with it but I've often thought that this isn't what I want anyway. Maybe it's better to keep the fantasy and forget about ever acting on it. Besides, I do love my husband and I want my marriage to work. It doesn't matter how many fish are in the sea. I don't want another "fish". I want my husband and I want to stop having these feelings for the other man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008):

I feel so much better knowing that this problem I'm having is so common. I'm also in love with my best-friend's husband.

At first I just thought of him as the perfect guy. He is so good to her. I would compare the guys I dated to him, hoping they would get along with him. Because of what he was to her, I wanted someone just like him for myself. I always told her how great I thought he was, and how lucky she was to have such a man. It upsets me that she really treats him like crap, totally taking him for granted.

Then she got pregnant. She had a few difficulties with the pregnancy and she started to worry. One day we were hanging out and she told me that if anything ever happened to her, she would want me to move in with her husband and help raise the baby. She was serious (as serious as a hormonal pregnant woman can be). She inadvertantly made me start thinking about what it would be like if I was with her husband.

It seemed like suddenly he was flirting with me around the same time. (she didn't tell him she asked me to be his back-up wife.) He and I went out once when she was pregnant and when the night was over and we went our separate ways he lingered too long in our "good-bye" hug and I knew then things had changed.

That was 2 years ago. My feelings for him have grown since then, but I knew they were wrong, and I tried to convince myself I just loved what he represents to my best-friend. I dream of him, I fantisize about him, I compare every man I date to him. Because my friend and I are so close I see him all the time. I told myself its all in my head. Denial, denial, denial.

Then I joined a soccer team he was on. I was spending time without her around. And he flirted. And I got to know him as more than my bf's husband. Nothing unsavoury happened until one night the team was out drinking and someone decided to play a stupid game where we named the top 3 people on the team you would sleep with, and I was his #1. Unfortunatey later in a drunken state (I know-bad) we had a conversation about our mutual feelings, and kissed.

I hate myself right now, I hate him. I have a huge amount of guilt right now, and I deserve it. I know there are no options for him and I. I would never be his mistress. If he offered to leave her for me I would not allow it. If he left her for other reasons (their marriage is rocky) I would stay by her side to support her, and not be with him. Even though I have already betrayed my bf, I cherish her friendship, I love her daughter, and I never want to cause her pain. I have decided that if her husband and I can't behave around eachother, I would rather cut off my friendship with them both than be a part in destroying a family.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008):

I think it is probable natural to feel this way because you are so close to your friend of course she would pick a great guy. But how great of a guy would he be if he did leave his wife/ children to be with you. And if it happenned once he would probable stray again. Marriage can be hard to him you represent something fun exciting and dangrous. That does not mean those feelings will always be there. Best thing you can do is creat distance. It is not worth it and you will hurt so many people in the prosess. If you love your friend and you love him then. Tell him to talk with his wife and not you. As much as you love the Attention. That's all it is your someone who has time. when his wife may be over whelmed with kids and things. Leave him alone and he will love his wife again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008):

i have the same problem, I am in love with my best friends husband, and he has told me he feels the same way. We tried to cut contact several times, but we have always ended up back in contact. Nothing sexual has happened between us, but he phones me daily just to chat about every day things. We have a strong connection, and we are not sure what to do. There are children involved in both marriages, so we can't jepordise our own marriages to be together. very tricky situation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008):

I have a crush on my husband's bestfriend. We are both married. I felt a connection wo him from the first time we met 3yrs. ago. He had just gotten married and we were yet to be married. I would always see him alone, he would never have his wife with him in the beginning. Once we all started hanging out on couples dates, I started to feel bad for him because his wife would always doing something embarrassing. I would catch myself staring at him and would have to get a grip. He and my husband had a falling out because of something his wife started and I didn't see him for a while. Well, I began my classes for this semester and guess who is in my class. I had no idea that he was taking classes. It was a very strong coincidence; he sits next to me. Before class starts and as we are packing up, we make small talk and he always make negative comments about his wife and I make comments about my husband as well. He makes comments about how nice I look today and how nice my hair looks. He even made a comment on how he like my earrings. One day I was sitting in class and for some reason I kept staring at his hands then his crouch, I was so hot in that classroom, I even had to catch myself a few times because my breathing was becoming labored. I was sliding up and down the chair crossing my legs and all.

My husband and my relationship is not the best. We are not connected. I don't believe we ever where. I know that he loves me though. When I met him, I was going through somethings and did not beleive a that someone of my normal standard would except me for the position I was in my life. I really did not want a relationship at the time but, he attached himself to me and I kind of got used to him being around. Then he asked to married me and I said yes. I can not tell you why and I can not tell you the emotional state that I was in at that time. I ask myself that everyday...where was I? What was going on with me mentally, really...I am emotionally back to normal,and so are my standards but, I am not happy. My husband a I do not have sex on a regular basis. We talk about sex and what we want but no matter was he does, it does nothing for me... it like...yawn, move, stop, turn over and I'm sleep.

I am baffled and don't know what to do at this time. I hoping maybe my marriage will get better over time. But, I also think...sometimes people are put in your life to bring other people in your life who are not in your normal circle...

I don't know. I spoke with my mother about this and she says she saw the connection that we had long ago and that I was just slow with it...what is a girl to do...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008):

Oh, this happens all the time doesn't it! The easiest thing to do to get over your crush FAST is to find a fault of his and obsess over it. Or actually create it in your life. If the guy is kind of a slob, let the house go and see how you like it. Or if he never helps out around the house, surprise your hubby by doing all his chores on top of yours and see if you're still dreaming about the other guy. He's not as successful as your hubby? Put yourself on a budget that reflects what he would be able to provide for you - minus child support of course - and then kiss your little luxuries good-bye for a while. THIS will kill a crush pretty quick. Reality kills EVERYTHING! LOL!

Okay, I've got an interesting story about how you can take these feelings and turn them into good:

This new couple moved into the neighborhood in December of last year and she and I hit it off right away while our husbands became fast friends. It was the perfect situation - the rare couple we both got along with! Well, I had recently had our first child and, despite my pre-pregnancy size 6 figure, was HUGE when we all met. Then I quit nursing and dropped 30 pounds in 6 weeks. Ironically, we didn't see them a whole lot during those few weeks so when he stopped in to drop something off to his wife at a baby shower and saw me suddenly much skinnier and in a cute pair of jeans, he froze in place, wide-eyed with shock and attraction written all over his face. (Yes, I am pretty and I know it's a responsibility and I'm very, very careful about other women's feelings so I blow off any husbands that try to chat me up.) Here it was again, another friend's husband "noticing" me. Yawn.

But the difference this time was that he had an attractive build himself and was fun-loving and playful. Basically the complete opposite of my husband. Worse, my friend's husband was beyond impressed with everything I did and was vocal about it. (Cooking, being good at some XBox games that I play with my hubby & brother in-laws, how creative I am, etc.) So I began being flattered by the subtle attention from my friend's husband, even though he works very hard to not let it show. I appreciate that and I'm sure his wife does, too. She's not blind and she can probably guess what he thinks of me but she appreciates the polite distance I choose to keep as well.

Then tonight there was a Halloween party. I was in a somewhat fitted yet EXTREMELY MODEST costume looking pretty cute for a mommy. But when I walked in and saw his tight-fitting shirt stretched over that well-muscled chest and his gaze across the room - with the attraction that he's trying to hide written all over his face - my mouth dropped and I hoped no one else had noticed the new gleam in my eyes. NOW it's a mutual crush.

But here's where I am different. I like the idea of having a CRUSH. Not stealing another man, not an affair. Just this tiny emotional high that makes me wear something a little cuter than I normaly would or spend a bit more time on my hair or makeup. He's just eye candy that encourages me to look my best.

Unfortunately my husband is very hard on me (he wants me to look gorgeous 24/7) and our 8 year marriage is in a bit of a rough patch. We'll come out of it, like we always have, but I actually am happy to have a small distraction. My husband has a little crush on a girl he works with, so the whole combination of "rough patch" and "outside crushes" is probably what is causing all the frustrations between us. Whoever said that you are attracted to what you think would be easier, more fun or make you happier is right. But I know I can be happy with my husband and honestly, the jittery high school crush feelings make me more affectionate towards my husband, which is HELPING things! I say use the feelings for good and turn them in the right direction and you can have what you want. It's just that you'll soon have a MASSIVE crush on your hubby! (I've done this cycle before. Crush on a friend's hubby, turned it towards my hubby and practically SWOONED after my own man for months. And we'd been married 5 years! LOL! It's sooooo much more fun than horrible affairs!) Good luck everyone! You can enjoy the feelings if you'll use them for good!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008):

2 Years?! 2 years? Dear Heavens I cannot take anymore of this! How the hell do I get over this guy?! I'm really really stuck on this guy for almost 10 months now and yeah, I thought crushes were supposed to disappear if not encouraged. It's been two months of practically no encouragement, and yet I'm still besotted. Have tried rationalising, denying, dismissing, acknowledging - bloody hell - I have tried everything, and yet, I cannot stop thinking of him. WTF is wrong with me??!! He's my best friends husband and I adore her and to top it all, I'm married too!!! Damn it, damn it, damn it - how the hell did I let myself get into this mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A female reader, booboo2 United States +, writes (8 October 2008):

Omg..I cant believe what a common problem this is! But I am so glad to of found all these posts. When I first typed those words into search, I really had no idea where I was going with it, or what I was looking for...some sort of other stories or something I guess..

I was married for 10 years, he recently divorced and left me for a ..not super close, but sorta friend of mine. But during our marriage my best friend , about 2 years ago met a guy , I had a serious crush on him from the first nite she brought him to meet me. We flirted alot and there was always just *something* there, I struggled with it for 2 years in quiet during my marriage.

My husband leaves ..I am single and suddenly find out that every time I try to date someone new I am comparing him to best friend's man. They are not married, just have lived together for a year and a half and are very serious and monogamous and so forth.

I cant get myself to be attracted to other men. All I want is her man! It's awful!!

I just ...god I swear he is just the one..

and like i said..I have had those feelings for going on 2 years now!!!

this is ridculous! I thought crushes came and went?

I am like ..really really really really stuck on him..

just totally stuck

and it's so frustrating..here I am..half way attractive, semi young, free, single..can do anything I want

and all I want is him!!!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGH...

and I am normally so not a clingy..man chasing thing..

always said if I was ever free again I would just ..totally enjoy it..

blah blah blah

yeah right..lmao

I am sooo stuck on this guy..

ahhhhhhhh!

Yah I wanna kick something..lmao

my only hope is that they suddenly break up..lol

But they are so fricken happy that yeah..

but I guess ppl thought that about me and my husband too...lol

and to sit here and feel this even though it was done to me..almost..

yet I still sit here and feel it!

Dam love:) I tell you!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008):

I posted my feelings on July 10, 2008. I'm happy to report those feelings truly have passed, just a few weeks later. This is a huge relief, because those feelings were very stong, and would have ruined everything, had I acted on them.

Mostly, I think it was just the passage of time that softened my feelings. The husband and I shared some very deep emotions in response to his wife's (my friend's) sudden departure, and concurrent infidelity. He called on me to help him through that time, and we shared...a lot. I think that created an physiological/psychological attachment to him, and that's what led to my amourous thoughts.

Being away from him initially only fueled my feelings. But, the passage of just a little more time made those old fantasies a bit redundant. (I mean, you can only make so much of one or two meetings before that gets stale.)

If I didn't make it clear enough, what was so utterly shocking to me was that I had those thoughts at all. I'm...like...the original monogamous woman. I N-E-V-E-R think about/fantasize about other men. I barely even notice other men exist when I'm out and about, and eagerly await my husband's arrival home from work each day. He's probably my perfect match.

I also did think about the natural conclusion of acting on my feelings, and what that would mean if we did get together. I can't say I was excited about the prospect of having a life with this man. He's successful in his business, but it's nothing like the lifestyle I have with my husband. Assuming I was equally attracted to both men, my husband would, hands down, provide a better life for me than this man ever could. He and his wife were struggling financially and lived in an unremarkable home. My husband and I, on the other hand, have a beautiful life full of humour, fabulous conversation, comfort and luxury, and deep respect. Maybe this realization aided in quelling my thoughts about his man? Who knows?

And, to be honest, my friend's husband is faltering a bit in how he's dealing with the situation. Initially, I was so impressed by the grace with which he handling it all. That was probably the basis for my attraction. Not to blame him, but he's now tumbling into bouts of desperation and occasional hostility. (One should expect him to experience all the stages of grief, I guess.)

In learning more about divorce (this is the very first divorce to which I've personally been privy), I've read advice for men not to beg and plead with their wives to come back, as this tends to immasculate them in a woman's eyes. I have to say, there might be a little bit of that going on, too. He seems a bit...well...pathetic, now. I feel bad for feeling that way, but it is what it is.

He was doing so well...that's what impressed me so much. He was devastated, of course. But he handled it was such character and strength. A real "man." Lately, though, he's been faltering. He's been emailing her repeatedly and leaving voicemail messages which vascilate between begging, his amateur psychoanalysis, and bordering on threats, at times (according to her). ...Not good.

I feel for him. But I can finally say that now I feel for him as a friend. A newly-close friend. But I've lost that lusty attraction. I'm so glad it doesn't appear this will be an ongoing thing for years to come. I really feel for anyone in that position, because it was really difficult for me, just during the few weeks I experienced it. I can't imagine if those feelings lasted into the future. That would have been really difficult, and probably would have led to problems in my marriage. How could it not?

Knock wood, I'm pleased to report this was a passing fancy. And I'm now even more focused on making a beautiful life for my husband and myself. (Phew!)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008):

Some good advice from readers, it helps to get this situation into persepective. I have had a crush on my friend's husband for about 4 years, but I know it's like the crushes I had on school teachers - out of bounds. I wondered if our family should stop seeing their family because of MY WEAKNESS, but I realise that would require explanation that could blow things out of proportion. Instead I need to take ownership of it, and recognise when I am feeling particularly vulnerable and minimise those contact times. Recently my friend invited me to help her husband get through the pre-cooked food she'd left him while she went away - of course I had to politely find an excuse to decline!

In the early days I had fantasies about sex with him which have fortunately passed. These days I just wonder how warm his lips would be to kiss. But I am wise enough to know that I could never allow that to happen, no matter how innocent it could be portrayed initially "just one kiss" would ultimately lead to trouble.

I have no fantasy that we "should be together" at the expense of others, but I am able to appreciate the things that make him special to me. We have many similar hobbies and attitudes. I can't help comparing his attributes to my husband's shortcomings, but I now require myself to look for more good in my husband, and encourage my husband to be more involved in my interests and vice versa.

My vulnerability to my friend's man is MY problem, and as long as I can be honest with myself I am hoping I should not need to involve others. I decided that I would not talk to him about it, partly because that transfers some of the ownership of the problem to him when it is actually my problem to deal with. If he is harbouring any weakness for me at all (which of course would be flattering), I don't need to hear about it. Another reader pointed out here that her own confession, with best intentions, only led to further emotions and temptations. I don't need any more encouragement if I am to deal with this maturely.

I am aware that the time may come where I may need to share my feelings with the other 3 significant parties, and I think I am prepared for that. Hopefully it will be in the form of admitting that I feel vulnerable and asking for understanding BEFORE anything happens, rather than having to apologise for doing something that I did not have the right to do.

"I'd rather be making a mountain out of a molehill, than try to make a molehill out of a mountain."

Good luck to you all in the same boat, I hope you find your own answers within.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008):

He is in love with me, I am in love with him but he is married to my friend. I love his children and his wife is a nice person, we dont discuss her! We spend every minute on the phone and we see each other almost every day. We feel more than just an attraction, it is sometimes scary the things we are able to share. I have become the mistress (even have the tatoo)... His wife & kids went out of town and we spent an entire week together, 24 7 and it was by far the best week of my life. Its funny, I dont feel like I thought I would afterwards. I think the best part is that I know we love one another in ways that I could not love anyone. And although I know that we will never be able to "be together", I feel like we have more than that. I was unhappily married for 13 years, I know this man is more than a husband, and I hope it never ends. We are leaving for vacation today, we are happy with what we have.... Why wish for more? I would rather have the joy I have from hearing his voice, feeling his touch, seeing his face, and remembering his smell that some grumpy ol miserable husband or boyfriend who just wants to lay on the couch and scratch himself, that buys his tshirts at walmart in a 4 pack...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

To anon from 20th July - you could almost have written my story - right upto the hypothetical conversation with the husband!

I'm the one who the guy wasn't talking to anymore....

Anyway, a bit of an update...

we are talking - we have to really, since the wife and I are still friends and see and talk to each other regularly. We're just acting like nothing ever happened. I'm still crazy about him though. Don't know how to get him out of my head. And I know he is still attracted to me. He has admitted that, but feels that it would be wrong to pursue a relationship because of the circumstances, which ofcourse makes him all the more attractive. I don't believe I'd be as attracted if he were a scumbag and cheated on my best friend! How's that for a paradox!

Have bookmarked this page and check it regularly for updates to see if someone has found out how to get out of the situation, and to remind myself of the consequences by rereading the stories from the women who have been on the other side, and particularly the story from the woman who got her man. She wasn't sure if it would work out - I'd like to know whether it is still working...

Way I'm coping at the moment is contacting my friend more often to remind myself that I'd loose her if we were to do anything.

The ironic thing is that she's my one friend who'd totally listen and understand and advise me on what to do about my feelings for a friend's husband.... I don't think she'd be as sympathetic though if she found out its her husband I've fallen for.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

Oh my goodness. I'm amazed that so many people have not only gone through similar situations, but have found this page and have responded!

I'm still in the thick of a sticky situation, and have no one to confide in. So I'm writing here.

My very good friend of 30 years just recently left her husband. But she left...literally...and disappeared out of town, permitting very little contact with anyone.

It was her husband's call to me that let me know she'd left. He was incosolable on the phone. He cried. I cried. It was awful. Knowing he carries a gun for work, I worried that he might hurt himself. I was very concerned for him and distressed about the whole situation. To hear him tell it, he thought their marriage was totally fine. This was completely out of the blue for him. ...Terrible.

Skip ahead to about a day later, he called and asked if I'd come to his home. It was completely innocent. He needed answers (although I didn't really have any) and a compassionate person who knew his wife, since he couldn't really get much out of her on the few times he reached her over the phone. (By the way, the "way" my friend left was really terrible. That we can all agree. She knows it, and I certainly didn't sugar-coat it when I spoke to her after the fact. But she has her reasons for doing what she did, and I'm trying my best to see her side. But it's difficult. There were no serious problems in the marriage, by her own admission. She left for another man.)

He and I spent 12 hours talking, crying, and theorizing, at their home. ...Mostly crying. I didn't know him all that well before this. They'd been married for 4 years. But as I was helping him through this (and myself, after all, my long-time friend was also involved) I literally found myself thinking, 'I'm falling in love with this man.' I actually thought that while I was consoling him.

Now, I know that sounds ridiculous. But we shared very deep emotions. More importantly, he showed real character during that time. He's a strong "manly" man, yet he was generous and kind in every way. He was hurt and confused, not angry and vengeful. He spoke about past relationships, and my respect for him grew in leaps and bounds. What a man!

I have been happily married for 12 years, myself. I love, love, love my husband (also a strapping, fabulous, honest, funny, generous guy...who would do absolutely anything for me) and I don't think I'd ever cheat on him. I love our life together, and with thoughts creeping-in that I'm falling in love with my friend's soon-to-be-ex-husband, that's the main thing that keeps me from fantasizing too much about it. I love our life together. I wouldn't want a life with my friend's husband. Still, I'm consumed. I'd like to "know" him...if you catch my drift.

I can't stop thinking about their break-up, and my new-found admiration and feelings of "love" for my friend's husband. As much as I hate to admit it, I've had sexual fantasies about the two of us being together. It does not help at all that this coincides with a point in my husband's career where he's spending a lot of time at work.

I won't "do" anything, I'm sure. It would be too painful and awkward for everyone, not the least of which would mean the end of my marriage. I also am lucky, in that this is so new, I have no indications that he has any feelings for me. It's my fantasy, I guess. But it's so strange and foreign to me. I N-E-V-E-R think about other men...especially sexually. This came up because he and I shared something deeply emotional, and I'm a bit of a sucker for these kinds of "all man" guys (strong, loads of integrity, funny, and kind to women).

I'm writing because it's been a week now, and I'm still consumed by these thoughts. I try to shake them, but I'm failing. I want so desperately to call him and talk to him. I know he's in a lot of pain, but I'm also worried that if we get together again, I might do something foolish. Besides, he will contact me again if he wants to. And if he doesn't, it's even more obvious this is just in my own mind. But really...that doesn't matter. I don't plan to act on my feelings. I'm really trying to get rid of them. It's the obsessive thoughts that are troubling me most.

I've tried to throw myself into being more responsive to my husband, but he's had a number of late nights recently, and simply isn't here for me right now. (Not his fault.) I certainly can't share the precise reason I need more of his attention right now. I suppose I could joke about developing stronger feelings for this man since our couple of deep conversations. It might go something like this:

Me - "Since that day I spent with (so and so), I've been feeling a lot closer to him."

My husband would invariably say something like - "Developing a bit of a crush on him, huh?" (while smiling, totally not threatened)

Me - "A little bit, yeah." (winking and smirking)

I don't know if he'd pick up on that, though, in the sense that I'm really struggling with it.

I'd love nothing more than to stop thinking about this man, and that situation. But it keeps popping up. Maybe writing all this will help? I sure hope it does. I hope I don't come back and say I've ruined everything by cheating on/leaving my husband for my friend's ex. My life with my husband is so great. I love him. The whole situation is so strange to me. I've never experienced anything like this. Two weeks ago if you told me I'd be having amourous feelings towards my friend's husband, I'd have laughed in your face. Oh what a difference a day makes!

It's so weird. My friend left her (terrific) husband because she wanted to see if she could be happier, for lack of a better way of putting it. As sanctimonious as I was, she's thrust me into a situation where I (almost) feel the same way. My mind is reeling.

I'm doing extra housework, extra gardening, making special surprises for my husband, and planning our summer getaways. It's not helping. I'm hoping that in another week, this will all be a funny memory for me. I'm sure it will. But right now, I'm still struggling.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008):

My friend left her husband. While they were separated, he and I started up an email flirtation, which culminated in us 'making out' one evening. My friend has now decided that she wants him back and so they're back together again. He's now not talking to me anymore and its agonising. I should add that I'm married to a fantastic guy. I never thought one could be in love with more than one person at a time, but now I know one can...

I'm trying so hard to do the 'right' thing, and to also maintain some sort of dignity (don't want to be the needy female chasing after a guy), but it is so damn hard!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008):

My friend is in love with my husband. However, it seems our situation may be a bit unique. No one else mentioned having sex with each other that was sanctioned by the spouse. We did this to ourselves, and now have to figure a way out of it before it consumes us all.

I used to have a more cavalier attitude about sex and marriage. Before I was ever married, sex was a regular part of my life. Much of what attracted me to this man was our sexual compatibility. Sex was fun, and we shared it with not only each other, but other people, too. We were renegades. We defied the social norms because we thought they were so passe. Well, I don't know what he thinks anymore, but I can say that I have learned a few things from this. Sex in a marriage really is a sacred bond. And no fantasy is worth the risk of your entire life falling apart. Feelings are strong motivators that people act on all the time without regard for the consequences, and every action has a consequence.

So, because we decided to live like porn stars for a while, my best friend is now in love with my husband. She is miserable, I am miserable, and I don't know what will happen. I don't know my husband's feelings. I kind of doubt that he is in love with her, but I have been wrong about things before. Even if he isn't in love with her, whose to say that he might not fall in love later on? Knowing that someone loves you is a powerful aphrodisiac.

I am no one to give anyone advice, as is evidenced by the ridiculous circumstances I have created. But, if anyone were to learn anything from me, please let it be that marriage and family are sacred and never to be taken for granted. Act cautiously, always with your eye on what could happen. Are you willing to pay that price? Are you willing for the people you love to pay that that price, especially the innocent?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

I am in a similar situation, having fallen in love with my husband's good friend. I too have been torn, trying to figure what to do, if I should act on my impulses or stand firm on my conscience.

Someone told me that I should handle the problems and situation with my husband first, before I proceed to my next relationship. If I loved my husband enough, I should try to understand why the marriage is failing, if it can it be fixed and remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Close this chapter so you can start the next one anew.

I'm trying to work on my marriage, though I think about my husband's friend all the time. It's a hard and lonely path to take, but if dealt with a lot of understanding and maturity, patience and time may help you see the bigger picture.

What I've realized is that my husband's friend is the manifestation of all the happiness i seek in life. He may not be the answer, but he shows me what's lacking in my life. Who I choose to seek this happiness with, is what I need to figure out now.

Good luck on your pursuit of happiness..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):

Back off entirely, I was in the situation where my best friend and husband had an affair and it is more devastating than you could ever imagine! If need be walk away all together. Think of what you are jeprodising!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008):

Yes you should leave him alone, you will only cause hurt to other people, stop being so selfish and move on with your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008):

Dear women,

I've also gone through this.

His wife and my best friend then was always telling me how much her husband adored me.I don't remember when I started to care about him.It's just that we are very much alike as persons and we started having some common interestes.We started having regular communication through sms on this basis.We never wrote about feelings, but we just kept in touch cause we both needed it.

I was going through a one-year treatment last year, the drugs were quite tough and I often felt depressed and exhausted.I don't know why but I made myself believe that he and his commucnication helped me to go through this and not to give up.

I started writing in a diary.If you read it you would think I'm a school girl of fifteen living the passion of her life-time...

i'm 31 though, married to a great man for 10 years, and having a daughter of 4,5...

We were still friends with Her.I would be a liar to tell you I still felt her as a friend.But I kept up our relationship for our kids and it was also a link through which I could keep in touch with him, we even arranged some family-trips together, or some nights out...

The thing I cared about was HIS FRIENDSHIP.not hers anymore.

And I felt more and more attached to him.

2 months ago I decided to advance.

Was it the coming of the spring, my doubts over the job we were going to start together,don't know exactly. I wrote him a letter through email.We started having correspondence.We very soon got to confessing we were both in love.I was thinking of him 24 hours a day, waiting for his messages, emails, calls.Everything else seemed to have stopped existing for me.I couldn't sleep at night.

The thing is that I tried hard to conceal it from my husband.And as I learnt later he didn't really get what was going on...As my husband said later, when your wife is in love with someone else it shows, you don't have sex, you don't want to be together, but "he has lived the best months " with me over this time...

I've never believed myself one can be in love with two persons at the same time...Now I do.

Well, he was always telling me we can't have a realtionship.But he was very hesitant and said and unsaid things all the time.I felt he loved me and I thought it was the thing that counts and started pushing him to start a relationship.

That was the time when-as I learnt later-his wife started reading our correspondence....

and that was the end of all, a big catastrophy.

I lost touch with him, he had to deny everything and I was the one to blame cause I was pushing him "as it turned out", I had to confess everything to my husband, I lost some of my friends because even if they don't know the whole story they know I betrayed Her-my best friend.

I was feeling very depressed for over a month, I started feeling I was a real monster, selfish, dirty, mad-all together...

luckily I'm quite better now.

We're going on with my husband.

He has showed understanding but he has lost his trust and I'm sure he's deeply hurt I could love someone else...

I started feeling somehow worried about myself.

Is it my selfishness and my ugly character that made me want him so desperately-or was it something i'm missing out on in my life and to my bad luck thought I could find in him...

will it ever happen to me again...

and I'm still thinking of him.sometimes.

2 months ago I decided to advance.I felt

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008):

I would love to know how the original poster has survived.... I first found this thread two years ago (on Google, like the lady recently) and posted a response below when in the throes of confusion having first experienced this new overwhelming and unexpected attraction towards a very dear longstanding friend. Since then I have managed to avoid saying or doing anything to give myself away - often it has faded to the back of my mind for weeks, if not months at a time,especially when I've had other things to keep busy and interested in. It did help early on to confide in a mutual friend who was supportive (and completely trustworthy) rather than horrified and helped me to keep it in the realms of soap opera/fantasy but the feelings do return sporadically....There are no easy answers - but I am determined not to be the kind of person that has caused such anger and distress to others here, and will keep trying to put these feelings back in the box and not keep pulling them out for another look. I try to love them both as a couple - as dear friends - as the parents of my children's friends - and I should also probably stop coming to check this thread out to see if there are any new answers!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

All I can say is that this happened to me, my wife went off with my best friend. Their affair didn't last very long though.

The grass always seems greener, then she realised she actually missed 'us' and our family.

We are back together again but it is very hard for me to clear the images of the affair from my mind.

There isn't any hope for these relationships as the lust will fade and then there will be emptiness and mistrust.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):

Oh my god, it's happening all the time!

I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with my x best friend! since July, they had sex and then he moved back to this country and they continued the affair via email! she sent him thousands of emails promising him everything, they spoke about their marriage on the beach, he was planning to bring her and her kids (same ages as mine) to live in this country. The stupid 'mere male' left his email account logged in and I read all of the mails even keeping some for future reference. Torture I know but at least I realise the extent of the deceit and lies. I actually didn't realise my husband had it in him, and he started downloading porn so that he could fuel his sordid emails!

She even had the nerve to come here to stay at christmas all the time telling me she couldn't wait to see me when all she wanted to do was F my husband. I told the mere male to go and have a couple of weeks to think as he told me he just didn't know what was going on. We even went to councel and he lied through that. She told him to buy me flowers so that he could stay with me in the house longer until she came over here in June, now isn't that calculating? amazing how anyone would want to be with a woman like that?

I don't know if I could have him back and certainly don't trust her, she says she isn't contacting him again but I read all of her mails and she is in love with him.

They have destroyed 2 families including 4 kids just for their lust, it's quite disgusting how 2 so called decent human beings could do that.

Actually the laughable thing for some reason is she always goes on about KARMA, well Karma will get her for sure.

Lost.....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008):

This just tells me how corrupted people became. Would you steal you neighbor's dog or cat? Probably not, but falling in love with another man's husband or wife is a lot worse. You not just stealing someone's love, you are hurting someone, you destroying family, kids...

Your question should be not "how to handle" this, but "how to run from it".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008):

I did the search "in love with my best friend's husband" to find any info I could on how to deal with these feelings. I'm shocked at all the people who have actually shared their feelings with the friend's husband. I wouldn't DREAM of letting on to either of them how I feel. It's so painful to have to keep it to myself. And like someone else wrote, my friend takes him for granted,, complains about him and works him to the bone. I feel like he deserves to be loved properly, and she's not doing it. It just kills me.

A lot of people here are saying things like - stop being so selfish, get your hormones in check, etc. But for some of us it's not just a sexual attraction..But when you spend a lot of time with a couple, through the years it's possible to simply fall in honest-to-goodness love with that man. I know, I have.

I would never tell either of them, I've never even flirted with him, it just wouldn't be right. But I wish so bad I had met him before she did. I feel guilty for feeling this way about him, I find myself feeling angry toward her simply for having him and I feel like I'm missing out on something incredible. I dream about him often, it's just so damn painful!

Just thought I'd share..I now know I'm not alone. If anyone has real advice on how to squash these feelings I'd love to hear it...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008):

what was the outcome of this? i am in the same situation and really dont know what to do..

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A female reader, Benevolence Guyana +, writes (14 November 2007):

I am sorry ladies for all the pain that you went through. But I am also in love with my friend's husband. The thing is, he had always loved me since we were in high school. She pushed herself to him, then they eventually got married since my mum thought that I was too young to get involved with someone and that I needed to go to college etc, etc.

A few moths after he got married he kept calling me telling me that he made a mistake and loves me. This went on for years, although he now has two children with her and is still with her he still came after me.

I was just out a bad relationship, this was my third bad relationship, I was vulnerable, I decided to go out with him. I have been going out with him since that day. I love him, I always liked, only now I am in love with him. We have a great relationship, he is so kind, thoughtful and caring to me. It bothers me that he is married to her with 2 children but I love him and he does not deny me of anything.

I spends almost all of his time with me...holidays, weekends almost all the time with me. He is in the process of buying a house for me, then we will consider having a family together.

If something is meant to be it will be. I am sorry that I am having an affair with my friends husband, but I love him, she knew he had loved me when we were all teenagers and that I had love him since then. It took years for us to get together but we did and we are trying to make it work.

I will never advise u on what decision to make, u have to find that within yourself, you have to know what feel like the best choice, whatever it is I hope you will be happy in the end.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007):

Stop it now - it will only end in hearbreak.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007):

Hi,

I'd be interested to know.. what was the outcome of this life story.

I'm now in the same situation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):

I was looking for other people who had been in this situation because my so-called friend has fancied my husband from the moment she saw him 18 months ago apparently. I'd only known her for about 2 years anyway. She decided to tell him 8 months ago and he was nearing a break down and just felt flattered and let it get out of hand. He wanted nothing from her and tried to forget it ever happened but she kept emailing and texting him asking him to come to her house because her husband was away. Until eventually I found out.

I can honestly say I have never hated anyone like I hate her. She lied and manipulated both my husband and I and now all our friends think she is mad and won't have anything more to do with her.

She used our friendship to try it on with my husband. We would talk about when I was going out without me realising that she actually wanted to know so she could come round to my house and try to seduce my husband.

Luckily he wasn't capable of sleeping with her but there was still intimacy that I find it very hard to get over.

If you can live with someone hating you and knowing that you've split up a family then act on your feelings. This woman is now very lonely, has had to move her children from the school they wanted to go to and has a marriage that is nothing more than a charade.

Funnily enough, I have a marriage better than ever - better than we've ever had in the past because we've realised what we mean to each other and how happy we can be together. My husband is getting help for the way he reacts to stress and it really seems to be working - he is a different person and makes me feel like a million dollars. I am getting help learning to trust people again. We will be happy - she, (according to a mutual friend that doesn't know what has gone on), I'm quite pleased to say, is more miserable than ever.

You don't want to end up like her so think very carefully before you act on your feelings.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

My bestfriend was in love with my husband as well .... and now they are married ..... do the right thing and move on with your life ....... dont get involved in something that is only going to cause problems ..... if she means anything to you ..... walk away now from her and him ..... she deserves to be happy .... if he is doing this to her then it is up to her to find out ..... but dont be the reason ..... you will feel better about yourself .... PLEASE!!! It may be hard to do but it is the right thing to do ....... my best friend became selfish and cares for no one but herself .... she turned on me and done the wrong thing ....... now we cant get along and I have a child with my ex ....... she makes it hard .... walk away now I am telling you ..... you will be miserable if you dont.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007):

You need to stop I couldn't even keep readingg because it's happening to me the women I loved as my bestfriend has pushed her self on my husband I hope she gets hit by a car. We have 3 kids and a long history my husband and I and have been going thru changes. Get help don't move in on another womens husband trust me the pain you cause will haunt you. Remeber just because your marriage sux doesn't mean you have the right to push into some one husband to get your needs met that would make lower than low.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007):

i am also in love with my best friends husband and the feeling is mutural we have even gone as far as making love to each other a year ago but nothing since we are always giving each other crap and alot of times she pushes us together we always try and make time alone for each other and we talk alot on the phone i have tried to stop the feelings but i just cant we both know its wrong i am also married and i love my husband very much but i love my friends husband too i guess what im saying that yes u can be in love with two people at the same time and make it work

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A female reader, That Girl United States +, writes (5 July 2007):

That Girl agony auntWowww! Just logged on to try and find a way to deal with MY situation and POOF! I happen upon THIS!

So...I don't think I have an answer for you, but I do have a story regarding a possible outcome to your situation if you don't put your own selfishness aside.

I'm 27, mother of twin daughters that just turned 1 last month.

My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together for 10 years, married for 2. I was a little more advanced in sex than he was seeing as he was a virgin before I'd gotten to him so if anyone were to be thought of as a cheater, it'd have been me. However, when I married this man, I knew he was all I wanted forever. NO OTHER MAN WOULD EVER MEASURE UP. After all...we always said God had chosen us for each other.

Well, on my daughters' ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY party in front of all our friends and family, his best friend calls him accusing him of having an affair with his wife.

Now, these people are our duaghther's God parents. My husband's best friend married a woman who, at first, neither of us really cared for, but in the end, I ended up loving like a sister. She and I shared secrets, fantasies, we got into arguments and loved talking it out in the end... I mean... she became a key person in my life.

When my husband's best friend accused him, it was something I couldn't even FATHOM. This is THE MOST FAITHFUL man in the world ... and my best friend LOOOOVES her husband and me. It would NEVER happen!

Well, my worst fears were confirmed in a later phone call. My husband's (now) x-best friend proceeded to read e-mail after e-mail to and from our spouses written on myspace... all while we (the good spouses) were at work.

It was DISGUSTING! Not just sexual things, but heart-felt things. Songs that they felt described their feelings to a T. Songs that I'll never be able to hear without crying AGAIN!!!

Long story short...

Her and her husband are getting a divorce. He just can't bring himself to trust her.

My husband on the other hand...he's doing everything in his power to make us work.

In all honesty...people always looked at us as having the "perfect" marriage... the "perfect" family ... the "perfect" everything. In reality...NOTHING'S perfect. All I know is he's remorseful and rightly so. He should want for nothing. Aside from the fact that we took vows in front of God, our friends and our family, we have SUCH an amazing friendship and healthy home/sex life. I leave him to want for nothing in bed. Literally...NOTHING! All his friends always tell him how lucky he is that I'm not only beautiful, but that I'm a mother, a great wife ... a phenominal cook... and from what they can tell, a WONDERFUL lover (in EVERY sense of the word).

He doesn't want to be without THAT!!! ...and while he should've been proving that all along, he's only NOW learning how to go about it.

On top of it, he's deaded all contact with her...switched his phone #, switched his car so she won't know if he's home/working...whatever...he wants to be RID of HER!

It's been REALLY difficult getting over the images that are FOREVER burned in my brain of them doing THE MOST intimate things together (as I've come to know ALL the details of each encounter they've had)...things that I hold sacred between HE and I, but I'm managing.

In a way, it's helped us. We've gotten closer.

...and where is she???? ... without money, without a home, without a business ... without a BEAUTIFUL man that was once the husband who worshiped the ground she walked on and provided EVERYTHING she'd ever need in life.

SHE'S COMPLETELY ALONE ... and all for some feelings she probably should've pushed aside to begin with.

My advice, once again... STOP ...and realize what you'd be doing to person YOU CALL a friend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007):

A similar thing happened to me. My husbands friend who I also became friends with over 10 years ago approached me about 4 years ago with his feelings. I knew he had feeling with me prior to me getting married, but I loved my husband and would never do anything eventhough I was always attracted to him. After I introduced him to his wife and they were married a year, he approached me with his feelings and that night we did end up kissing. It doesn't help that we had been drinking, but the next day he called and wanted to meet up to talk. Well thats all it took for a full blown relationship to start. We had an affair for a couple of years. Meeting up secretly whenever we could and then he moved away, but we still keep in touch and send pictures to eachother and hes coming back for a visit soon. Hes not so attracted to his wife and I am not with my husband, but we have an amazing chemistry but are both scared to hurt our spouses. The best thing to do is to shut off all contact so you can just focus on your husband. When I do not communicate with him I do much better with my husband. I have been w/ my husband for 12 years and hes an amazing man. It may be true love with his friend or just lust. but do not think its worth taking that chance. He has become an addiction to me and its hard to let go once you've gone to far.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007):

Hi! I am in an situation that I never in a million years thought I would be in. My friends husbund approached me telling me he loves me and has been attracted to me since the first day he met me. He went on and on about his feelings for me... I was in total shock! I have been attracted to him since the first time I met him. I have had feelings for him as well all these years (12 yrs).

The problem is my friend and I had lost touch for about six years and we just started talking again. I am finding myself more and more attracted to him as time goes on, but I would NEVER in a million years have acted on it or thought the feelings were mutual. He says they are both unhappy in their marriage and he is willing to give it all up and do whatever to be with me. I am so confused! I can't even believe this is all happening. He tried kissing me several times and I wouldn't allow it to happen. He wanted to know if I felt the same way. I couldn't lie to him. I did however tell him it doesn't matter how I feel she is my friend and it's not right. I am driving myself crazy thinking about this. He had been drinking, but he swore he meant everything. I was like whatever... trying to ignore the situation. But he called me the following day sober and said he meant everything he said and doesn't regret saying any of it. He wants me to meet him for lunch. What do I do???? Help!

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A female reader, cop lover Australia +, writes (9 June 2007):

What is meant to be will be, put don't push it, if you are meant to be you should be able to break up with you current partner calmly and sympathetically even if there are kids involved if you cant then you are doing the wrong thing i did indeed break up with my husband despite three kids, we still have trust and the kids have benefitted from this.

Guess what my friend that prompted all this also broke up with his wife and again they have trust, and the kids are fine, it took us another 18months before we were comfortable to explore what was happening with us, but now we have been together for 5 years and we CAN TRUST each other, Unlike many of you, think of someone else beside yourself it puts a whole new bearing on things. TRUST IS important

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

Well this is a topic very new to me, i have been happily married for 9 years and with my husband for a total of 14 years, we are happy and we have no serious issues we can talk about anything and have a very very satisfying sex life, yet still I ind myself interested in one of my closest friends husbands. I try to rationalise it to myself with the normal we are just friends, there is nothing there, its only in my head and if i ignore it, it will aventually go away, unfortunatly these tactics haven't worked and Ive found myself even more attracted. I was even so unsure of what was happening i have spent hours looking up body language sites to learn more about what this other person might be telling me, i shouldn't have it just confirms what i already know, he is interested in me. I have also read many other sites on this very topic and they all say the same thing don't tell your partner, WELL people I went against this and I did tell my partner, not the whole ugly truth just that I was enjoying being flirted with by someone else and who the someone else was. of course he read between the lines,IT HELPED he understood and we talked for hours about it, as he said you cannot have ups without downs and you can't expect to never have another attraction just because you are married its what you do when you have an attraction that makes all the difference. My husband and i have an agreement if we are seriously interested in someone else then we are over so do the respectful thing and end it first, calmly and with compassion at least at the end of the day there are no trust issues with you, your existing partner and any future partners, after all its no way to start a happy relationship with lies and hurt. Now as for moving on I love my husband dearly and would never do anything to jeopadise our relationship, he trusts me and i will never give him cause to loose that trust. Over time and keeping myself away from this other person it will get less and less and you will forget.

I will say i don't agree with telling the friend of your interest in there husband all that will happen from that is you will loose your friends trust and she will start looking for things and seeing things that are not there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007):

I've been on the other side of this. I was with my husband for 4 years when we got married. We were married for 9 months when he decided he wanted to be with my best friend of 11 years. Of course she wanted him too and made no appologies for what she wanted. I gave it my all to try and fix my marriage, but they refused to stay away from eachother. Needless to say, end of a 5 and 11 year friendship for me. It is the worst feeling in the world to be tossed aside by your "best friend" and your "husband". I want to forgive them so bad. I miss him a great deal every day even though I know I shouldn't. I miss the person I thought of as my sister. But they don't even realize how they messed up my life. I had to be the one to pick up and leave, everything I knew for 5 years to be true was gone. If your REALLY love your best friend, you will love her enough to think of her happiness over your own and take yourself out of the equation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007):

You need to stop! This lady is obviously not your best friend or this wouldn't be an issue. Take your self out of the equation.....because I hate to tell you that if he really liked you he would be with you...duh!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007):

This was done to me 21 years ago.... it was a noghtmare than and it is a nightmare now.... as a result there are 4 children ( 2 mine..2 her's) from a broken home ..who have witnessed unbelievable fighting, arguing, police, jail. thru the years i have had to see them at my children's baseball games..holding hands..kissings..her sitting on his lap humping him.. i had to be in the same room with her at my son's engagment party..then his wedding..There are plenty of fish in the sea..if you are unhappy in you're marriage... go find someone else...not you're best friends husband... i'll stop now..before this get's UGLY!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007):

I have recently figured out that I have a 'thing' for my best friend's husband. Her and I have been friends since kindergarden. She was always the straight and narrow one, boring, and somewhat no-fun. She married a great guy, who is so much fun and we get along so well. I figured out that I had feelings recently and now I have a hard time being around them. I saw her giving him a kiss (peck) goodbye and I had to look away. I think about him so much and wish he was single. He calls me everyday and makes me smile like a school-girl in love. At the same time I feel so guilty for what I am feeling for him. There marriage is not the most solid in the first place. I think he feels the same thing for me. I am afraid that one drunken night will end up with sex. I should stay away but I cannot bring myself to stay away. This sucks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006):

The same sort of thing has happened in my life. I didn't plan it, and I certainly didn't ask for it. But here it is, nonetheless. I started having feelings for the husband of my closest friend in the world. We've always joked around. In fact, her favorite joke is that we should switch husbands because her husband and I get along so well.

One night, something happened and now I've been having an affair with him for the past 4 months. We spend two evenings a week together. We spent a weekend away together and told eachother things that we promised never to repeat after that day. Yet, I think about him all the time. It physically hurts to love someone this much and know that it can only cause pain in so many other lives. I have days where I ask why couldn't it have been anyone but him? He doesn't want to leave his wife, and strangely enough, I don't want him to leave her. I've actually been trying to tell him ways to make her happier. I vacilate between wanting to have the strength to stop and wanting for once in my life to be selfish. Right now, the selfishness is winning. Yet, daily I think about how much I'm hurting her. It's funny that I don't even think about how much it would hurt my own husband. She's the one woman who I've found that truly understands me. But, she wouldn't understand this. I can't stand the thought of hurting her. Yet, I can't stop this thing. So, what am I going to do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2006):

I fell in love with my best friend's husband before they were ever married. He is unlike any other man I have ever known. He and I have developed an odd relationship over the past 11 years. I would go to their house and he and I would stay up after my best friend, his wife, had gone to bed and talk for hours, sometimes all night, arguing about politics, sometimes so loudly the neighbors complained. This has gone on for years. When I got divorced about 3 years ago, he was my rock. I have gone to him with every problem that I have had and he always had the time and the answers to everything. He is so wise and blunt. He tells it like it is, never sparing my feelings, and he is almost always right. There was always something there between us. He always referred to me as his second wife. But we never talked about having feelings for each other. Other people could see it. My father warned me many times that our relationship was inappropriate. My best friend at times commented on the fact that he was "her husband" not mine. They have always had a rocky relationship but recently had a baby and she has turned into a full blown bitch. She screams at him constantly, he is the perfect husband, any woman would be happy to have him. He does everything, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry and anything else that she asks of him and more and yet it is never enough. They no longer have sex, she says it's not "worth the effort". So about a month ago out of the blue, we are having one of our late night conversations and somehow ended up sharing our true feeling for one another. We talked about the fact that we could never be together because it is a lose lose situation.

He has worked hard to build a life for himself and put her through vet school. He plans to stick with her until she is finished with school and if nothing has changed by then, he is leaving. Not for me, but for himself, because no one deserves to be treated the way that she treats him. However, we made the mistake of sleeping together and neither one of us expected it to be so life changing but now all of those feelings we have been holding on to for 11 years have come out and every minute that we are away from each other is total agony. Yes, he is using me to fill an emptiness in his life, but we also really love each other. We always have, it's just that now that we have brought it out into the open we are both miserable every moment that we are apart. He is not going to leave her for me, if he leaves he is doing it for himself. I truly feel that we belong together and probably always have but he is married to my best friend of 16 years. If we end up together, I lose the best friend that I have ever had and I destroy a family. I am their son's godmother!

We made a mutual decision that we will be together when we can but it's not enough for either one of us. It's not about sex, it's about being with the one person who fits your perfectly in every way. We are perfectly happy curled up on the couch watching tv, the sex is just a bonus and it is better that anything I have ever felt in my life.

I don't know the answer to this. Is is better to swallow your feelings and live with the pain of not being with the person you know in your heart is your soul mate or do you lost the best friend you have ever had and destroy a family that means more to you than anything in the world? Every day that we are apart is more and more painful. I know without a doubt that he and I would be happy together forever, but at what cost. Is is worth it? Do we follow our bliss or do we "do the right thing" and live in misery? I with I had the answer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):

So I went through with it ladies!

I did what some do not.

I fell for him. I loved him, despite my friendship.

There were secrets and lies.

Shame and guilt.

The truth eventually came out, as it always does.

A marriage was broken and a friendship was ruined.

But I charted this course. You can see it coming a mile away. Disaster!

There was pain, and I learned a lesson I will never repeat. Ever!

Sadly some people (like me) have to learn the hard way.

So now I have him girls.

But before you go coveting anothers man, try to love your own. Or be patient, God has the one for you. If you get tangled up in this kind of mess you might just miss him!

In my relationship now, we are dealing with fear and trust issues. To be perfectly honest, it might not work out.

A relationship cannot function without trust.

And we are operating in the negative.

Losing the friend I lost makes this realization all the more terrible. Will it be worth it in the end?

I think a lot of people get swept away with the romantic aspects of a secret love or lover. But it's strange when reality creeps in on your fantasy.

They fart, don't put there clothes in the laundry basket and can be just as insensitive as the next guy.

And that amazing connection, and conversations do run dry from time to time. Just like any relationship!

Here is a good rule...

If it's meant to be, back off take care of yourself, and get yourself into a better situation.

Let him take care of his business and make his choices. If God wants you to be together it will happen. You will meet down the same path on the road of life.

Jusst don't go about trying to enter the country illegally, don't cross those borders, if you know what I mean. File the appropriate paperwork. Go through a waiting period, and hopefully with time you'll get a new visa on life and love.

Be honest.

It hurts to have feeling you can't let out.

It's okay to tell your best friends man that you care for them, and love them. But you also need to tell your friend. This may be the hardest thing you will ever do. But if you can't control yourself, give the control to someone who can.

It's not okay to be exchanging longing looks at each other and making inappropriate body contact when your friends back is turned.

Don't let infatuation get to that point! It's a lot easier coming clean, than looking into your friends eyes after the fact and saying I'm sorry after she catches you.

Don't be selfish. Be honest. If the friendship means anything to you at all. True love is willing to take risks, but not this kind.

You can do the right thing.

God bless you and guide you through this.

I made the wrong decision. I let love & passion overtake me. Now I have the man, but I miss the friend. Maybe it won't work out. Maybe we'll be together forever.

I would still do it over differently if I could.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006):

I, like so many others am to in this same boat. I have been friends with my best friend for 14 years and I have been good friends with her husband for 7 years. When I first met him my friend knew that I had feelings for him, she did as well. When the began dating she asked if I still had feelings for him, I lied and said no. They have been dating on and off for about 4 years and then finally married two years ago. I have easily been able to turn my feelings for him off, but we are all going out alot more. I see him often, which is making my secret harder and harder to live with. When we were younger he flt the same for me which I did not find out until years later. Knowing this makes it harder to put my feelings to rest. I daily think about what could have been, now knowing that there could have been something. Basically what I am saying is that if you dont yet know how he feels, dont make an attempt to learn. If your friend truly is your BEST friend, or even a close friend, your possible romance with her husband isn't worth losing your friendship over. I live everyday trying to find away to get over my feelings, I don't know that I ever will, BUT my friendship is too important to risk a romance over. Everythime I think about her husband I remind myself of what I could lose, My dearset friend. It's hard, but so far helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2006):

I think you are a very selfish person! To think that you would even CONSIDER having feelings for your best friends love! You are just in love with the idea that they "truly" love each other and it makes you jealous thinking it is all him that makes the relationship...it takes two- keep that in mind. Obviously you are more loyal to yourself and give in to your insecurities rather than being happy for someone who "truly" is happy. The grass IS NOT always greener on the other side, it is evident that the two of them are good together, doesn't mean you two would be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2006):

I am strangely reassured to find this - especially the woman whose feelings came out of the blue - so did mine, earlier this year, for a man I have known as my once closest friend's husband for nearly 20 years.... Part of it is dissatisfaction in my own marriage, but I believe him to be perfectly happy and I would be crushed with embarassment if he found out what I'm thinking. Part of it is due to residual awkwardness between the two couples (we used to be very close, but had a painful disagreement a few years ago, especially between my husband and my female friend - her husband seemed to be the only one I could talk to calmly at the time..) I have rebuilt friendship with my female friend but somehow things are not quite the same - our children are older now and we are not in eachother's homes so much. I cannot cut off all contact as we are neighbours and belong to the same church - our children are great friends. I think I may be trying to recapture the closeness of earlier times - or perhaps I'm jealous of her happiness and want some of it to rub off on me! Anyway I am praying that the fantasy, crush, infatuation or whatever will remain my secret and will start to fade soon, without causing the devastation that I have sadly seen in other friends...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006):

Glad to know there are others in similar situations.

I did have a full blown affair with my best friends husband. He loved me before they got married and tried to tell me, but I refused to listen. Her immigration status depended on the marriage, and I told him I'd never speak to him again if he didn't go through with it. After two years, and a really bad relationship, I turned to my best friend for comfort. Instead of meeting me, it was her husband that became my comfort. She would leave us alone to excerise, talk, cook. Him and I's friendship flourished, and I tried to get her to get involved. But eventually there was no denying that I fell in love with him. It was torture. How could I do this! But I did. The attraction, the connection was too strong. And I selfishly wanted this man as my partner in life. In January, she came to me and asked if I had something to tell her. So, I did. I told her I had inappropriate feelings for her husband. She told me to stay away, so I did. But he kept calling me, saying he didn't want this. He wanted me. So in April he told her it was over. She hasn't spoken to me since I told her. And everyday is painful for everyone. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't have been better to try to shut off these feelings. But something inside me says, I know we'll get through this. Maybe there will be forgiveness...I can only hope. I am worried about the future, because you reap what you sow...but I had to take the chance. I hope I won't be punished, more than I am right now. I hope we make it together. I really feel as though I traded a jewel for a jewel. My heart is complete and broken all at the same time. Is he worth it? Yes. Would I do it over again? In a heartbeat. (But Differently, with more honesty) He is that good to me. Am I sorry?...eternally.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006):

I am in a situation, i know that the man (husband of my dear friend) feels the same way as me. We both have even spoken about what we thought our lives would be like if we had ended up together. BUT WE DIDNT. We have lives, children, and love our spouses. We just love each other too. We wouldn't ever act on it as we love our partners too much. It's an odd thing. Don't commit adultery though - my dad did...and it's the worst thing in the world. At lease murder is overt..and not sneaking aorund. If you feel you love these people and are willing to sacrifice your, and their happiness then get it out in the open and make it right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006):

Well, Never even knew that this existed except in my own life. Our families were best, BEST friends! We went on vacations together every year. From the first time we were all together, we had a chemistry that I knew he was meant for me! WE became b/f first. After that is when our families got really close. After we both acknowledged each others feelings, we tried to stop many times. WE both know that we were created to be together even though we had to go down a broken road. It was undeniable! People around us could see how we belonged together. After almost a year of a ups and downs of trying to make it work, we could not hold out any longer. I know morally is it wrong, but what about living your life being with the one you were made for? I wont get a second chance at life to come back and be with him. We made the jump and both of us do not regret it. We are together and I am experiencing what love is really suppose to be like! We both were unhappy but feel complete now. We both have kids and they are coping fine. In my case, we were made for each other. If it is just a fling, then I wouldnt continue. There are alot of emotions and hurts that have to heal.

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (9 March 2006):

willywombat agony auntListen to the advice of all the female anons on here. The ones who have had/are having the affairs and the ones on the other side. The betrayed. Read them, then read them some more. I know you feel strongly for this man, but it is an infatuation, a lust. You must not act upon it, if you do you stand the chance of ruining not just yours and your husbands life, but that of your dear friend who will no longer be able to trust anybody (well, who DO you turn to when the two people you trust most in the world go and do this to you?) you will destroy the kids lives too. Take it from me the product of a divorced family (one parent went off with the other parents cousin/best friend)

Please please please, I implore you, get a grip on yourself and your hormones. Think about who you are going to hurt and get past this infatuation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006):

My problem is similar with a bit of a twist. This man and I met and spent one intimate evening together before I had to leave. I lived far away and he started a relationship with someone else instead. We remained friends. But I came back to live near him and started a relationship with a friend of his, whom I have been with ever since. He has since broken up with the first woman and is now married to another woman and they have a child. Throughout all this my feelings for him have not gone away completely but I got very good at pushing them away. Ultimately I pushed my feelings away so much that I became best friends with his wife, whom I love like a sister. I was able to ignore and push away my feelings because I was so sure he was happy with his wife and since I am happy with my boyfriend. This man and I still had our connection though. I could feel it but did not say anything. Then one night he asked me for one kiss. I said no but since then everything has changed. We've talked about everything we've felt for each other over the past years that we were afraid to say. Now that I know he had the same feelings I cannot stop thinking about him. There is NO solution to this. My advise is to NEVER talk about it. If he hadn't said anything I would be able to dwell on my longing for him ocasionally and then move on with my life. But now it's an ever present temptation for both of us causing only further frustration than it did before because now we know it's mutual.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006):

I am in a very similar situation. I to am in love with my best friends husband. I am also married.This is where my problem is different from yours. Her husband feels the same way about me and they are having some marital problems and so are my husband and i but they have 2 young children and i don't want to be the cause of their marriage ending and if things fall apart for them now i would feel very responsible but i don't want to put either of them out of my life because they are great friends and i need that right now. what should i do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006):

I'm in a similiar situation butI'm in love with my husband's friend and he is also married. I loved him since I first saw him, I've had these feelings for years, he is 19 yrs older than me. I think he likes me too but I'm not sure, he is very nice and friendly with me. Don't know what to do, what can be worse than this? My husband loves me very much and recently I told him I don't love him anymore but I didn't tell him I'm love with someone else. Things are very tense between us. His friend has been married for 8 years and has no children, I've been married for 5 years and I have small daughter. He lives in Wisconsin and we live in california, several times he has called to talk me, las t time I saw him I look into his eyes and he looked into mine, it was a long gaze, it was so intense I could not break the gaze, then he bowed his head a little and gave a smile, then I broke the gaze. Also last time I saw him he hugged me like he never hugged me before, he hugged me so tight that I could feel my breasts being squeezed against his chests and my breasts are small. I was looking in the internet and saw how many people are in the same situation and i found this site, I hate to be in this situation, I have never felt before what I feel for this guy, I love everything about him, I think of him 24/7. Recently he has mentioned that he is going to buy a new place in CA, sometimes I wonder if he just wants to be closer to me....don't know...I just wish I could destroy this feeling...but I can't, the more i flee, the stronger it gets...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005):

You are in a lose-lose situation. I know because I've been there and in some ways, am still there. It feels so good in the beginning, like you can conquer the world together. It just isn't so. The end brings hurt and it is a lonely, hard road because of trying to spare hurt to the other spouse, family, etc. **Pick up some books on addiction at your local bookstore and I'll bet you read about yourself in those. I know I did.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005):

I'm the same situation right now...except the fact that we have started an affair...I love him very much and I know he loves me but we have kids and aren't in a position to leave our spouses...my advice would be not to start it because nothing hurts more than knowing that he's leaving you to go home to her...believe me its not just something you can up and quit...we say all the time we have to stop but everytime we're around each other this is this amazing connection between us...our affair isn't just sex either..our kids are best friends and we get to be together all the time...his wife wife is my bestfriend and trusts me with him...right now it's to the point where I'm jealous of her and he is of my husband...he talks about us moving away together so we can be with each other...I know in my heart that I would in a minute but we have families to think about...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2005):

I'm in the same situation as well. I'm married and in love with my friends husband. We're all very good friends and hang out at least once a week. They're very unhappy in their marriage as I am in mine. Her husband and I really enjoy being together and imagine a life that would allow us to be. My husband and I have kids and they do too. Her husband and I have talked about the fact that there's no way we could end our marriages because of the hurt it would cause everyone involved. The chldren would be devastated, as well as his wife and my husband. I don't know what to do. Should I make a point to stop having our families get together? I think there probably isn't another solution since he and I obviously have very strong feelings for each other and will end up hurting many people if we keep this up. Anyone have any advice?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005):

I was dating this woman several years ago and during the relationship she had a married couple visit from her old home town 2 hours away several times each year. I would be there during their visits, sometimes they would stay the night and I would also. On occasion the man would come visit my girlfrind alone. His wife was my girlfriends very close friend from their old home town. After we stopped seeing each other this man and his wife got a divorce. Then this man started to come down to see my old girl friend more often. I tried to contact the ex-wife but she would not talk about it. After a few years went by my old girlfriend and this man got married. Now, they are married, but she still lives here and owns the same home, he still lives 2 hours away and owns a home and she goes there on the weekends. This is not a good situation for anyone and it sounds like there was an affair.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2005):

Wow, I wish I knew what to tell you. I am in a "just okay" marriage, and I have been friends with this couple for 15 years. Just recently these feelings for the man have come out of the blue. I feel like a giddy schoolgirl whenever I'm around him. I'm trying to keep my distance, but this man is on my mind all day long. It really hurts. All I can say is try to keep busy with things that interest you, and limit your time with this man. If things end with his wife, don't let it be because of you. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2005):

Every relationship has moments of weakness, and you ladies are trying to capitalize on it. You need to wake up and see things from a different perspective. If you begin a relationship as an affair, and you are both "comfortable" doing so...what's to prevent the BEHAVIOR from continuing? If you do actually get them to leave their wives, what will happen when you have problems? They'll run instead of fixing it WITH you. It's common sense. Build a relationship from TRUST not DECEIT AND SELFISHNESS. There are plenty of men out there, have faith in that. You deserve the best relationship and happiness. Don't sell yourself short.

Adultery is not the solution. Fix YOUR problems, and avoid messing up other people's lives.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2005):

It is normal to feel what you are feeling. Most people form an attachment to people they are close to, however, this is a very delicate issue. Obviously, you are unhappy in you relationships otherwise you wouldn't be seeking emotional or physical comfort elsewhere. If you read about adultery/cheating you will be able to recognize some of the motives for doing it: selfishness, excitement, boredom, yearning for your best friend's life/happiness...the list goes on and on. It is never a good idea to go out of your relationships to solve your problems. Re-examine your relationships and feelings. If you are truly unhappy, you should leave the marriage and find some who is completely emotionally avaible and SINGLE. Learn to be happy on your own two feet, and you will find someone who can truly be your partner.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2005):

I know what you mean. I found this site because I wanted to see how others coped with this kind of issue. I actually slept with a friend's husband. We had a relationship - crazy but true. We planned our days according to each other's schedules; what our spouses would be doing; what our children would be doing. It was another life within our real lives and we cherished and cared for it. We both knew we were wrong but our connection was so strong. It was so easy to continue it because my friend and I complained to each other about our spouses. But one day my friend confided in me that the marriage was not important to her anymore. It was then that I knew that my affair had to end. He agreed - it will remain our secret. We have since asked God for forgivness and keep a respectful distance. It is very difficult and we both have mentioned that it is a struggle to respect our marriages. It would be so easy to run back to each other. But God is faithful. And things are getting better for everyone involved. Stop what you are doing and deal with your thoughts. God's love is bigger than your attraction to some man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2005):

I'm so glad someone posted this. I have the same problem and they have been married for 16 years! They have a "working marriage" but I can see glimpses of how he would like to live. I'm best friend's with his wife and the same time I was becoming friends with her I would see him and started to know him separte from her so I don't even put the 2 together in my mind. I am crazy for him and he has no idea. I can't even speak when I'm near him. I have tried to get over him but it's impossible--going on 3 years. I'm not in love with him for physical reasons-I just know that we have a connection. I feel stupid even writing this. Ihave never told anyone and I'm telling complete strangers! I really would like to seduce him but I don't have the guts or the skills. I'm really shy and I have even e-mailed him at work about some general topic and he's very quick to respond but that's it. I don't know how to go any further.. How can you tell if they're interested too? Thanks :-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2005):

Both of you need to leave these men alone. Their are millions of fish in the sea. Do you not care about your husband and friend at all or do you just care about your own selfish feelings? You also need to tell your friend you are going to cut him off and the reason why because she is gonna know of she doesn't already. She will respect you more than if you don't say anything cuz she probably knows you have the hots for her man. You need to fix your own marriage and stop thinking about messing up someone else's happy home cuz you're unhappy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2005):

I know how you feel. I'm feelin the same way right now. My friend and I have been best friends for 8 yrs and she has been married to him for 5 yrs and the marriage is not going go so they just got seperated about 3 days ago and I'm also married. But I love Him. I don't know what to do either...If someone could help us...

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