A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing and sleeping with a man for just over 9 months now. Just out of the blue, he told me his ex from the USA is coming over to stay with him for a month. First he said it was without warning, and then his story changed, saying it was planned before he met me, but he thought her idea of visiting him would just eventually fizzle out. I am not allowed to go to his house or try to make any contact. He was also very quick to remind me that none of us had suggested being in a relationship, or suggested any commitment either. This is true, it was a bit geared towards FWB and going out sometimes, but at the same time he has grown on me, and I am consumed by hurt and jealousy.To add to my confusion, his best friend said there was no plan for her to visit, and she is coming on a whim. They had a long relationship whilst she was working here, until she went back home. He has even visited her twice in America.Shall I go round and tell her what he`s been doing? I am at a loss and feel so shocked and empty inside. I really do not know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 No, you definitely do not go over to his house and show your ass. You said it yourself - you and him have made no formal commitment to one another. So you have no claim of right. You were perfectly happy with this arrangement until another woman came into the picture.
If I were you, I would politely bow out. I would end this arrangement you two have going on and move on completely. It doesn't seem to be working.
He will most likely call you once she leaves to get back to his booty call. But don't let him have the best of both worlds. Not unless you can handle that emotionally.
Good luck. Try not to let this consume you.
A
male
reader, Mick Mc  +, writes (5 June 2014):
It is about time women were more honest to `themselves` before entering into these mainly sex based fwb relationships.
The outcome is always so predictable.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 June 2014):
Do you understand what a friends with benefits relationship is? Aka a "fuck buddy"? You'd have a reason to be upset if he had committed to you but he didn't, end of story.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2014):
 Should you go around and tell her what? That you have been fucking her ex? WHY?
Instead of being petty & jealous (and yea, that IS petty) END this FWB or whatever it is, YOU want a proper relationship, HE doesn't. And now you know.
JUST end it. If you have any stuff at his place GET it before she comes over and pack up HIS stuff from yours. End it and MOVE on.
Don't settle for breadcrumbs if you want a sandwich. But above all do not be a petty bitter scored woman. CHOOSE to set yourself free of a "relationship" that is no longer fulfilling for YOU.
Like Auntie Daisy said, GO no contact and STICK to it, even when she leaves, DO NOT take him back.
Move on. Right now you are stuck with this arrangement you don't really want, but you think it's better then nothing. It's not. For HIM it is, not for you. Why? Because you WANT more.
Then GO out and met new people, FIND your own LOAF!
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (4 June 2014):
He has not hurt you, you have hurt yourself by believing you could handle the situation.Give up now. He has told it to you exactly how it is. Him changing the story from her coming without warning, to having planned it before knowing you, says to me that he knew it was going to hurt you, and was just looking for ways to cushion the blow.You will have to live up to the fact that he cares for her far more than he ever did you. Hope you learn to love and respect yourself more from this.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Hello! Friends with "benefits" is a dumb concept anyway. Leaving that aside, He is "free" to do whatever the heck he wants to do. and, you are free to think whatever you want about his being with someone else. Maybe your condition will serve notice on others who think FWB is a cool thing or even a relationship. It is not a relationship. You're just being used as a free hook-up. Why not get your sense of self worth together and retreat from the whole thing and find someone that will respect you?
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (4 June 2014):
 The ex was a girlfriend and by the look of things, is probably coming over to rekindle the fire.
You, on the other hand, was an arrangement. That is the big difference.
Bite the bullet, learn your lesson and walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Please don't go round there or just turn up or do anything like that. The only one who will be upset about everything will be you. He will turn against you and she will be bewildered and upset and you will look like a boiled bunny. You have fallen in love with a fwb who is clearly in love with his long distance lover. Keep your dignity and keep away. Also do not contact him anymore even after she has gone. He hasn't treated you very nicely and has denied you and pushed you away as he doesn't want his girlfriend to know about you. Who wants to put up with that! Just ignore him from now on. Undoubtedly he will be back on the phone as soon as her plane takes off but really I would kick him into touch.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Save your pride and dignity and get rid of this guy all together. He has no respect for you and does not feel strongly for you , so move on. Saying anything to his EX will not achieve anything other than humiliate you. Remember is fairness you agreed to this relationship of just sex and assumed since yourll behaved like GF/BF that there was something special. He clearly did not see you other than a sex buddy. Harsh but true. I am saying it so you can accept the reality and put your head up high and walk away from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): What do you hope to accomplish by being spiteful?
You know the rules of being friends with benefits. There is no commitment. What and who you do, is your business. Who and what he does is his. You claim he has grown on you? I suspect you gave-up in defeat when he wouldn't commit. That is often the case in FWB relationships. Settling for what you can get, and using sex as a bargaining chip. I have yet to read a post where this isn't the case. The feelings were there from the start. They didn't suddenly grow.
If you want to maintain your friendship, and still reap the benefits; then leave him alone. Find something better to do with your free-time. Like start dating people who really like you, and may want a relationship. I think you're ready for something better; but he's not the one. He's a sex-buddy. If he cared as you do, he wouldn't have told you to stay away. I warn people about this all the time.
You can't force him to be committed to you, you can't go back on the terms of your agreement. You are just friends; but sex is the benefit.
When his ex leaves, and you have a chance to talk again.
Dump him. Free yourself and go find what you really really want.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 No no no no, what do you hope to accomplish, other than looking like a pathetic fool or a bunny boiler ?... You surely would not endear yourself to your FWB, I'd say this would be a good method to make sure he 'd refuse to have anything to do with you ever again, and to stay in his memory as " my psycho ex FWB ".
As for the visitor from Usa, she is supposedly his EX, and lives in another continent- much probably she would not be particularly shocked or upset to know that a man with whom she is NOT having a relationship, also has a sex life when she is not around visiting. You want to make waves... but most probably would be a " uh ? so what ? " tiny ripple for what she is concerned.
Admitting though that in fact it's the opposite, they are sort of together long distance and he is supposed to be monogamous, ( it does not sound so, but, who knows ) that would be so petty and spiteful and low of you , .. and I still fail to see what you would gain from giving grief to a lady whom you do not know and who has done absolutely nothing to you.
As for you and him, he also has done nothing to you, technically. He made clear that you are not in a relationship, that yours is an FWB only so no monogamy , no committment, just occasional fun and games... he is not breaking any law or vow and can do what he wants with whomever he wants.
The problem, as usual, is that not everybody, in fact almost nobody, is cut out for FWBs, at some point jealousy and possessiveness take over, and that is very normal and unsurprisisng, people have trouble sharing their favourite chair or their favourite sweater, imagine if they want to share their favourite partner, and yet... if you can't stay emotionally detached , it won't work, you will have little to gain and a lot to lose. The emotional damage will exceed greatly the benefits ( with, or without Friendship ). As you are punctually feeling and showing now.
Leave her alone, leave him alone. Just decide if you really can stand a self imposed torture for which you are not psychologically equipped, and if you decide that no, you can't, stop making yourself miserable and leave FBWland for good.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (4 June 2014):
 We do not know much about the relationship he had with her, but it sounds like they both want to be together. If you want to make a fool of yourself, and end up being hated, then tell her you slept with him. I doubt it will make any difference if she was his ex at that time.
If her visit is temporary, then dont go back there again. You would be better staying away from fwb type relationships in future.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 June 2014):
 OK, it's time for you to step away from this guy all together. I know you've developed feelings for him, but he doesn't reciprocate them. You've fallen, he hasn't. You want a committed and exclusive relationship with him (or you wouldn't be so hurt now) and he wants no strings/ no rules. You two aren't compatible. As hard as it is, it's time to call it quits and move on.
Don't involve the other woman; it is nothing to do with her, and as Mark says he hasn't actually done anything wrong. He is single. He has hurt you, but he isn't cheating on anyone.
When the month of No Contact is up and she's gone, resolve to continue the No Contact. Delete his number, block him. Cut him out of your life and take it as a lesson learnt that you're not cut out for FWB/ non committed relationships. Don't wait around for him for a month only to go back to FWB. It will leave your self esteem in tatters.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Well you agreed to be in a friends with benefits situation so why are you surprised that when his actual girlfriend material comes along and you're not welcome. Just see other people.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (4 June 2014):
 This is probably someone from his past who he has not stopped caring for. For her to travel all that distance, she probably cares for him a lot too.Telling her will backfire on you. She won't like it and they may have an argument, but I cannot see it breaking them up either.You are going to have to accept that he cares for her, more than he cares for you.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Hello,
Whoooo there! Go round and tell his ex what exactly? That her EX boyfriend/husband, whom he is split from, and living in another continent too, has been having casual sex with you? He has every right to sleep with you or whomever he pleases, as his ex is not, currently at least, in a relationship with him. He has done nothing wrong in that respect. He has not cheated on you nor her! He has not made a commitment to you nor his ex.
Sorry but you needs a big reality check...you and him are both in a casual sex/friend with benefits situation. He has made it clear from day one: NO RELATIONSHIP IS BEING OFFERED, just sex and friendship. You signed up to that. You agreed to sleep with this guy when it suited you both without any prospect of commitment.
He hasn't used you, deceived you, lied to you or cheated on anyone. He was open and honest with you about where you stood, nobody put a gun to your head and made you go along with it.
In that situation, both of you have the right to call that off, or have a temporary break, whenever you choose. His EX is coming to see him, she doesn't need to justify that to you, nor does he. You his sex friend not his girlfriend.
If he wants to get back with his ex then that's absolutely fine as he owes you nothing quite frankly. He is not in a relationship with you. Likewise you can call it off with him if a prospective long term partner comes alone. That's what FWB is!
Im sorry but you have been naïve and got into a situation where you thought you could just have sex with this guy only to develop feelings for him. Now your stuck in a situation where you want more and he wants less. Clearly you are not the right kind of person to handle a FWB situation, many people are not. Generally men can have sex with a woman without developing feelings, women cannot.
Inevitably a FWB situation wont last long. There is only so many times you can meet someone for sex without doing much else. Plus one of you is bound to find someone to actually have a relationship with which makes the FWB come to a conclusion. Then there is the jealousies and the fact one develops feelings and the other doesn't. Some people can make a FWB work, most cant. Im afraid you are the latter.
Also a FWB situation tends to be discrete. He isn't going to introduce you to his friends, family and ex partner as being his sex buddy! He is absolutely right not to want you coming to his house while his ex is there.
Sorry if I sound harsh, or even like im taking his side, far from it, but OP you need to stop even considering having been deliberately hurt or cheated in some way. As for telling his ex...! You knew where you stood and what he was offering you, now you seem to be unhappy and angry with the fact you were given what was offered.
you need to tell him you are no longer happy to have a FWB with him and say goodbye. In future look for a relationship for sex, not a FWB as you will just keep getting yourself hurt.
Mark
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